Axelle

Telling my parents about my Long distance boyfriend (who is an atheist)

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Hi guys, 

 

With the new year come new dilemmas. I have had a relationship with a man that lives in another country (with regular visits) for the last 2 years.We have decided we want to move in together, I want to be the one moving abroad. It's an exciting change of environment and I will be with the person I love, also have job opportunities. The problem is, my parents don't know about any of this. I never told them because they are strong conservatives. I have discussed not wanting to be in Christianity anymore with them, but nothing about the relationship (they also expect me to be a virgin until marriage, I am not). I do not know how to do this without the wrath of the seven seas coming out to get my sweetheart XD. Hmmm...what do I do? 

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@Axelle That’s awesome. Very happy for you. 

 

“What do I do?”

 

If you choose to tell your parents about your situation then do so without apology or self guilt. You’ve got nothing to apologize or feel guilty about. You’re a grown ass woman with the world at her fingertips. You can’t control their reaction. Maybe they do flip their shit on you. Guess what? They will get over it. And if they don’t, that’s not your problem. 

 

Christianity teaches people to feel bad about who they really are. It teaches you to go around and apologize for literally just being yourself. Do you and fuck what anyone thinks about it. Period. 

 

To reiterate; be yourself and offer no apology for it. Sever the cords of self guilt that Christianity planted inside you. Cut ties with that mentality and accept every single aspect of yourself as best you can. You need not explain your actions or living situation to anyone, including your parents. Form and shape your own destiny based on what works for you. People have a hard enough time living their own life let alone trying to live yours for you. Do what thou wilt. 

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28 minutes ago, Aaron81 said:

@Axelle That’s awesome. Very happy for you. 

 

“What do I do?”

 

If you choose to tell your parents about your situation then do so without apology or self guilt. You’ve got nothing to apologize or feel guilty about. You’re a grown ass woman with the world at her fingertips. You can’t control their reaction. Maybe they do flip their shit on you. Guess what? They will get over it. And if they don’t, that’s not your problem. 

 

Christianity teaches people to feel bad about who they really are. It teaches you to go around and apologize for literally just being yourself. Do you and fuck what anyone thinks about it. Period. 

 

To reiterate; be yourself and offer no apology for it. Sever the cords of self guilt that Christianity planted inside you. Cut ties with that mentality and accept every single aspect of yourself as best you can. You need not explain your actions or living situation to anyone, including your parents. Form and shape your own destiny based on what works for you. People have a hard enough time living their own life let alone trying to live yours for you. Do what thou wilt. 

Exactly this. Print this out and put a copy on your mirror and refrigerator door. Maybe keep one in the car as well. You can get no better advice.

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I agree with all the above advice. And never blame yourself for other peoples reactions. You are not responsible for others' emotions, that's one thing my therapist reiterated to me over and over. Christianity would have you think you are. Live your life that you want without the "I have to please people" mentality. If your parents don't like it, they will get over it. If they don't get over it, it's their problem. 

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Hey @Axelle,

 

Are you in school? Are your folks financing it?

If so then don't tell them and don't move anywhere. School is more important.

 

HOWEVER, if you are on your own then you do not owe them an explanation. Telling them you are moving will go along ways to prevent them from sending out a search party when they don't find you at home. But if they attempt to lay a guilt trip on you just say "That's really nice Mom & Dad but I gotta go now!" If they threaten to cut off communications with you just say "Really? For reals? COOOOOOL!"  :moon:

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4 minutes ago, MOHO said:

Hey @Axelle,

 

Are you in school? Are your folks financing it?

If so then don't tell them and don't move anywhere. School is more important.

 

HOWEVER, if you are on your own then you do not owe them an explanation. Telling them you are moving will go along ways to prevent them from sending out a search party when they don't find you at home. But if they attempt to lay a guilt trip on you just say "That's really nice Mom & Dad but I gotta go now!" If they threaten to cut off communications with you just say "Really? For reals? COOOOOOL!"  :moon:

It's a bit complicated. I am 22 and totally financially independent. 

I currently live alone, well in a flatshare. But my mom's recently being diagnosed of something I'd rather not describe, but she will need surgery and bed rest, and she may not be able to take care of herself for a couple of months. I love my family with everything else. Right now they live in a bad house, a house that is not fit for habitation by a disabled person. My two brother still live with my parents, but with my mum not working money will get bad. And she needs a better house for the recovery period. 

 

My father is asking me to please unite financial forces with them and take up a bigger and more equipped house. He is working +12h a day and money's still an issue. What he proposes is for all of us to rent a big house, each sibling with their own private space so 4 bedroom house, and split the rent so my mum can have a place suited to her needs. He can't rent this kind of house on his own and I would love to be close to my mum and help taking care of her...

 

But then this forces me to tell them. I don't wanna go live back with them having to hide my SO's existence from them. When he calls, when visits happen, I don't wanna lie, I don't wanna have to sneak around like if I was doing something wrong. But I fear that if I move back in with them, it's gonna be just like when I was a teenager. But at the same time, I want to be there for my mum... so I have to tell them I will move in with them as log as they are okay with my choices and don't retaliate or guilt-trip me or try to break me up from my boyfriend. I dont know :( 

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1 hour ago, Aaron81 said:

@Axelle That’s awesome. Very happy for you. 

 

“What do I do?”

 

If you choose to tell your parents about your situation then do so without apology or self guilt. You’ve got nothing to apologize or feel guilty about. You’re a grown ass woman with the world at her fingertips. You can’t control their reaction. Maybe they do flip their shit on you. Guess what? They will get over it. And if they don’t, that’s not your problem. 

 

Christianity teaches people to feel bad about who they really are. It teaches you to go around and apologize for literally just being yourself. Do you and fuck what anyone thinks about it. Period. 

 

To reiterate; be yourself and offer no apology for it. Sever the cords of self guilt that Christianity planted inside you. Cut ties with that mentality and accept every single aspect of yourself as best you can. You need not explain your actions or living situation to anyone, including your parents. Form and shape your own destiny based on what works for you. People have a hard enough time living their own life let alone trying to live yours for you. Do what thou wilt. 

 

43 minutes ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

I agree with all the above advice. And never blame yourself for other peoples reactions. You are not responsible for others' emotions, that's one thing my therapist reiterated to me over and over. Christianity would have you think you are. Live your life that you want without the "I have to please people" mentality. If your parents don't like it, they will get over it. If they don't get over it, it's their problem. 

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your advise. I wonder whether you'd mind to read the response I just posted to MOHO's post? Does that make it any different? 😕 

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41 minutes ago, Axelle said:

It's a bit complicated. I am 22 and totally financially independent. 

I currently live alone, well in a flatshare. But my mom's recently being diagnosed of something I'd rather not describe, but she will need surgery and bed rest, and she may not be able to take care of herself for a couple of months. I love my family with everything else. Right now they live in a bad house, a house that is not fit for habitation by a disabled person. My two brother still live with my parents, but with my mum not working money will get bad. And she needs a better house for the recovery period. 

 

My father is asking me to please unite financial forces with them and take up a bigger and more equipped house. He is working +12h a day and money's still an issue. What he proposes is for all of us to rent a big house, each sibling with their own private space so 4 bedroom house, and split the rent so my mum can have a place suited to her needs. He can't rent this kind of house on his own and I would love to be close to my mum and help taking care of her...

 

But then this forces me to tell them. I don't wanna go live back with them having to hide my SO's existence from them. When he calls, when visits happen, I don't wanna lie, I don't wanna have to sneak around like if I was doing something wrong. But I fear that if I move back in with them, it's gonna be just like when I was a teenager. But at the same time, I want to be there for my mum... so I have to tell them I will move in with them as log as they are okay with my choices and don't retaliate or guilt-trip me or try to break me up from my boyfriend. I dont know :( 

You're paying rent there, that isn't the same at all as you living under your parents roof. And if it really comes to it and they want to try ruin your life, you can remove yourself. 

You're an adult. You do not deserve to have your parents ordering your life in any way. Particularly when you are pitching in, helping out and doing what you can for your mom. Gratitude should be expressed, not judgement. What you're willing to do is admirable. 

Edit: Don't go near the guilt complex that may be left over from religion. Be matter of fact and upfront about your SO. If they try lecture or guilt trip you can tell them straight out you live by different principles and have little in common there and therefore you're asking for respect in spite of your differences, as any adult would expect it. 

You can tell them straight out your SO may visit etc and that they need to be aware of these facts before they pool resources with you. 

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42 minutes ago, Axelle said:

 

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your advise. I wonder whether you'd mind to read the response I just posted to MOHO's post? Does that make it any different? 😕 

 

I am very hesitant to give someone life advice like that without knowing them. It would be reckless of me to tell you who you should or shouldn’t live with. That decision will ultimately have to be made by you alone. 

 

Having read the details of your situation, the advice still stands; do exactly what you want to do without apology or guilt. 

 

Do you want to live with your parents and help your mom? If so, when the TIMING is right, tell them your situation with love and respect. I wouldn’t go the “there is no god because of such and such contradiction in the Bible” route. I’d just simply state why it doesn’t work for you in your own words. Do not engage in debate. Respectfully ask for them to respect your new beliefs and offer any and all help towards your mom if that’s what you feel you need to do. If you approach this subject and can’t give legit reasons in a confident manner, you’re going to run into trouble. This could infuse a debate or they could play the “victim” role as parents. “Oh where did we go wrong Lord? Did we not

raise her right?” Prepare for all of that. 

 

So, you’ll need to express that you would love to move in and help on the condition that you live your life how you see fit. 

 

Formualte a plan and execute it. 

 

 

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Is it necessary to reveal the religion issue at all? Is there a possibility of just introducing the s.o. without bringing up religion? 

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Hey mom and dad, I want to introduce you to my live in lover and the man that took my virginity. Well, gotta run now. Love to all. Write soon. Once you get to know him, I'm sure you'll love him too. Bye now! :rolleyes: 

 

Okay, so maybe not great advice, but definitely effective. I'm sure you'll come up with some better ideas though. :wacko:<_<

 

 

 

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18 minutes ago, older said:

Is it necessary to reveal the religion issue at all? Is there a possibility of just introducing the s.o. without bringing up religion? 

No chance in hell of doing that if the parents in question are like mine. You do not date anyone out of the fundie church, let alone another xtian. So yeah.... atheist SO...it goes over well lol. Mind you I've come out about my non belief to my parents and I do my own thing but it's a whole other scenario if you're hitting them with two sledgehammers at once. 

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5 hours ago, Axelle said:

It's a bit complicated. I am 22 and totally financially independent. 

I currently live alone, well in a flatshare. But my mom's recently being diagnosed of something I'd rather not describe, but she will need surgery and bed rest, and she may not be able to take care of herself for a couple of months. I love my family with everything else. Right now they live in a bad house, a house that is not fit for habitation by a disabled person. My two brother still live with my parents, but with my mum not working money will get bad. And she needs a better house for the recovery period. 

 

My father is asking me to please unite financial forces with them and take up a bigger and more equipped house. He is working +12h a day and money's still an issue. What he proposes is for all of us to rent a big house, each sibling with their own private space so 4 bedroom house, and split the rent so my mum can have a place suited to her needs. He can't rent this kind of house on his own and I would love to be close to my mum and help taking care of her...

 

But then this forces me to tell them. I don't wanna go live back with them having to hide my SO's existence from them. When he calls, when visits happen, I don't wanna lie, I don't wanna have to sneak around like if I was doing something wrong. But I fear that if I move back in with them, it's gonna be just like when I was a teenager. But at the same time, I want to be there for my mum... so I have to tell them I will move in with them as log as they are okay with my choices and don't retaliate or guilt-trip me or try to break me up from my boyfriend. I dont know :( 

 

Given this additional information, I suggest you distill your choices, weigh the advantages/disadvantages, predict the negative consequences/positive consequences to all concerned (based on either choice) and determine how you can mitigate the predicted undesirable results (again, based on either choice).  For example perhaps your male friend can move to the UK (instead of you moving to his country of residence), assist with the finances and live with you in the new house while your mother recovers from her medical condition.  That may be a horrible decision, but then again it may contain the chance show your parents that your male friend is a great human being.

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A few thoughts/questions, Axelle... you don't have to answer them in case I'm taking it too far.

 

1. Would moving back in with them be a temporary or a permanent thing? Would it mean you'd move away later or not at all?

2. How far is abroad? Any chance of going "home" once a month for a (possibly long) weekend to help out and be with your mom (and/or somehow help out with finances)?

3. What's your SO's take on the matter? And your brothers'? Would they be allies or are they hardcore believers?

 

To be honest, I would abso-f******-lutely not have my SO move in with me AND my parents at the same time if I were you. Dealing with a) moving back in with the fam while b) a family member possibly needs intense care while c) getting used to living with the SO and d) possibly having to find a secret spot for all things physical and, last but not least, e) possibly having to protect the SO from being converted would just be too much for me. And it might be too much for you, too.

 

Maybe try to look at the whole thing separately for a minute:

-- Is there a way to reconcile moving away AND the fact that you want to help/be with your mom?

-- Telling your parents that your beliefs have changed and that you don't believe in virginity-'til-rapture is not per se linked to the whole situation, although it seems like. Why not tell them about the BF in a totally separate conversation first and see how they react? What I'm trying to say is I wouldn't "mix" topics at first. Telling them you possibily want to move away and/or discussing whether you'll move back in with them can wait a little bit. One thing at a time. This way, you could see how they react to your new beliefs and then decide how you want to proceed.

 

Sorry, this is long...

 

OTRR

 

 

 

 

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On 1/2/2019 at 1:42 PM, Axelle said:

It's a bit complicated. I am 22 and totally financially independent. 

I currently live alone, well in a flatshare. But my mom's recently being diagnosed of something I'd rather not describe, but she will need surgery and bed rest, and she may not be able to take care of herself for a couple of months. I love my family with everything else. Right now they live in a bad house, a house that is not fit for habitation by a disabled person. My two brother still live with my parents, but with my mum not working money will get bad. And she needs a better house for the recovery period. 

 

My father is asking me to please unite financial forces with them and take up a bigger and more equipped house. He is working +12h a day and money's still an issue. What he proposes is for all of us to rent a big house, each sibling with their own private space so 4 bedroom house, and split the rent so my mum can have a place suited to her needs. He can't rent this kind of house on his own and I would love to be close to my mum and help taking care of her...

 

But then this forces me to tell them. I don't wanna go live back with them having to hide my SO's existence from them. When he calls, when visits happen, I don't wanna lie, I don't wanna have to sneak around like if I was doing something wrong. But I fear that if I move back in with them, it's gonna be just like when I was a teenager. But at the same time, I want to be there for my mum... so I have to tell them I will move in with them as log as they are okay with my choices and don't retaliate or guilt-trip me or try to break me up from my boyfriend. I dont know :( 

 

So there is Dad and two brothers? Maybe they could take physical care of Mom and you could move away with your honey?

Another option might be they find a roommate (church friend?) to pay rent. It doesn't have to be you, necessarily.

 

The parents can't have too much wrath if they really want help from their adult child. You have some leverage now. You 'could' mention you don't believe in Jesus, you're not a virgin and your boyfriend is not a Christian. If their wrath overrides the practicality of being kind to a possible care giver (you) then you don't want to live there anyway. If you think they are going to treat you like a child or berate you about your beliefs or try to subtly bring you back to Jesus then you dont want to live there. Maybe you'll get lucky and they wont want such a horrible heathen living in their presence. (haha)

 

I dont really know anything about your particular situation but I do know that problems have multiple solutions. You would be one of four (known) caregivers in this scenario. If you moved away then the problem would be solved in a different way and probably with another person... or they might decide that 3 can handle it. Maybe they would be able to get a visiting nurse or professional caregiver. 

 

They may be angry for a while about your leaving them but if they dont ever get over it then that's their own toxic behavior. That's not your fault. That's their fault. Maybe let em know if they hadn't been such controlling fruitcakes about their religion you would have been more inclined to help them out.

 

Finally (I think), what is going to make YOU happy? Taking care of Mom or living your life? I'm guessing there will be resentment if you all move in together. If you're angry about being there, then life is going to suck. Perhaps you can contribute financially from abroad.

 

Remember, you aren't the ONLY solution to this issue. Other solutions are available that don't require you. Whatever your decision, own it, defend it, stand by it. Don't allow yourself to be guilted.

 

Once again, not knowing your exact family dynamics and issues, being the father of a late 20s adult myself, I would search hard for solutions that didnt need my son to move back in with me to handle a situation like yours. Someone else here mentioned bringing the boyfriend to live with you. Then both problems could be handled to the benefit of all parties.  If Dad flips out with that idea, say "bye bye!!"

 

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Seems to me your parents need you more than you need them.  So do what is best for you and don't be bullied or guilted by them.

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I see you visited this site yesterday so hopefully I can add a thought or two that you can consider. I think you could make a big mistake just now if you join forces financially with your parents to rent a nicer 4 bedroom that your parents and brothers can't afford to pay for on there own. You say your mother will need to rehab for a couple of months but it looks like you will need to stay on indefinately or they will not be able to make payments. What if they don't wind up wanting to let you live your own life? What is your exit strategy in this quite likely scenario? Are you meaning to guarentee you will keep sending your share even after you move out in persuit of a meaningful fufilling life for yourself? You may think that when your mother gets better she will work and they'll be able to afford the appartment without you but if this is really the case why didn't they make this move anytime before now? What if the likely thing happens and you just have to leave because the living arrangements are stifling, you need your earnings to secure reasonable living accomodations for yourself and your parents can't keep up with the payments and are therefore forced out. How would you feel and where would your family end up? I think almost any plan would be better than this one. Buy your mother a nice clean room somewhere close where she can rehab until she's strong enough to go back home. Whaterer that costs would be very cheap in the long run. If you can't afford to do that don't feel bad because very few people can. Clearly you love your family but don't push yourself to give more than you are reasonably capable of giving. You can spend time with your mother and do your best to help her have a speedy recovery irregardless of the situation she finds herself in. If you have a little extra money you can use that to help her be more comfortable without jeopardizing your personal life and future. Good luck and best wishes.

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