Popular Post Bug Posted January 23, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 23, 2019 I'm finally ready to post this... Where to begin? I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with alcoholic and addicted parents who, despite all that, did their best to love me. As an adult I see my parents for what they really are: Humans who make mistakes. They never physically or verbally abused me, but there was a LOT of neglect and a lot of loneliness. My grandparents swooped in to save the day on many occasions and, as a result, I was very close to them. I spent at least some part of every day at their house and if they knew my parents were in a bad place, they would just keep me with them until something else was sorted out. They were kind, loving people who I looked up to with starry eyes and always looked forward to seeing. My Granny dedicated her entire life to religion, a fact I am now a bit depressed thinking about at times. She had a very tragic and gripping tale about how she lost a daughter in a car-wreck and became angry with God for many years. She said she one day found healing and rekindled her relationship with Jesus, remaining faithful until the end. When she passed away she was 93 years old. This story of hers, along with many others, always led me to believe she was an incredibly strong human being to have survived some of the things she did. From picking cotton in the southern heat as a child, to escaping a horribly abusive marriage, to somehow surviving the unthinkable and continuing to live after the loss of a child... Through all of this, she kept her faith. I wanted to be just like her. Oh, how I prayed for such strength and unwavering faith... The trouble was, I just couldn't be that faithful. I didn't have whatever it was that my Granny had that allowed her to remain a believer until death. When I was 17 I thought I was saved and born again, but I was never certain like my Granny. I believed very much in God and Jesus, but I didn't think I could ever reach the top of this faith mountain I had built in my head. I didn't think I would ever be good enough for God and that led me to some very destructive thinking that I will likely suffer with forever. I was incredibly depressed and anxious the entire time I was Christian, terrified that I had purchased a one way ticket to hell somehow and was well on my way, along with everyone else I loved. If only I could be stronger like Granny... When she passed away in August of 2018, I felt the weight of grief for the first time in my life. I tried to turn to God, but my deconversion had already begun. In the last few years of her life, my Granny suffered with dementia. This was something I knew she prayed to avoid for many years prior to getting it. She became angry and scared and was barely recognizable at times. I watched the light fade from her eyes and questioned how a God she had served so diligently for almost an entire century let her slip away with the one disease she begged to never face. At this point in time, I was already living with my Atheist partner who was there for me through every bit of the ride. He watched me cry countless nights and, of course, could not answer my questions about why this was happening. Why had God turned his back on my Granny, our family, on me? Somehow, through all of the pain, I had to start finding answers. The answers I found were not in God's favor, but they absolutely set me free. I sometimes feel I attended my Granny's funeral as a Christian and left as an Atheist. As if enough damage hadn't already been done, the Pastor who had supposedly known and loved her for decades said the names of her children wrong, gave a really BIZARRE speech about the rapture that took up far too much time, and generally dishonored her in every way possible. I was sad and offended by everything that took place, but I also wasn't surprised at this point. This was because I had already been asking questions, praying, and reading for years in an attempt to get my answers from God. Shocker, he didn't answer. So.. I then had this task to figure out how the hell I was supposed to move on. How would I live on this planet without my Granny and accept what had happened to her? How would I live with her passing now that I no longer believed in Heaven? I could no longer take comfort in knowing that she served God her whole life and was now enjoying paradise. I spent my whole life believing that the only way I could ever cope with anyone's death was by being certain they made it to heaven. Then one day I had a groundbreaking thought: My Granny's faith didn't matter in the way I originally thought it did. When I removed faith in God from the equation I realized she was still a strong, loving, patient woman who adored her family and did what she believed was best in her time on Earth. She laughed hard, helped anyone she could, and loved me more than words can describe. She cooked amazing fried chicken, could grow anything in her garden, and had an excellent sense of humor. She was still my Granny and I will always remember her fondly and strive to be even a tenth of the woman she was. I realized that all I want out of life is freedom, truth, and love. When I spend time with my loved ones, especially that pesky Atheist partner, I simply don't need God to be happy anymore. In letting go of God, I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined. I get to share my life with people who love me for who I am and vice versa. I can look forward to constantly learning new information, growing, and changing my mind. I can help others solely because I feel it is the right thing to do. The anxiety and depression caused largely by indoctrination will continue to plague me, but I'm determined to carry on anyway. Seeing as I now believe I only get one shot at life, I want to make the most of it while I'm here. Goodbye means something different and more permanent to me now, but life just seems that much more precious as a result. I will never have that faith that my Granny had in God, but I believe in love, kindness, and hard work. For the first time in my life, I also believe in myself. 9 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insightful Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 Great post, Bug! Sounds like you've come a long way. I love that you can see and love the "human" behind the faith. That's why I still love my still-Christian friends - I love their humanity which is why we became friends in the first place... I echo your disdain for pastors who hijack funerals to preach biblical stuff while completely wasting the opportunity to truly honor the person's life. I experienced this at my dad's funeral. Thank goodness military cemeteries only give you about 30 min for the whole service so the pastor only got 10 min! All the best to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOHO Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 @bug, It takes a lot of courage and character to overcome tendency to dwell on what the doctrine did to us over the years and focus on love and the good even the chrities do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bug Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 8 hours ago, Insightful said: I echo your disdain for pastors who hijack funerals to preach biblical stuff while completely wasting the opportunity to truly honor the person's life. I experienced this at my dad's funeral. Thank goodness military cemeteries only give you about 30 min for the whole service so the pastor only got 10 min! If it hadn't been my Granny's funeral, it would have been comical to me. He literally worked himself into a sweat and said that we didn't need to worry because she wouldn't be in the ground long. "It's gonna be downright spooky when the rapture happens and people are driving by this cemetery. There will be twisted up metal and concrete from the Earth breaking!" Yeeeah, it's worth mentioning that my Granny didn't even believe that's how the rapture would work. I remember feeling so bad about it after leaving and my partner was speechless because he had never even been to a funeral, let alone a Christian one. Thankfully, my Atheist friend from High school managed to escape the crowd of otherwise Christian mourners and find me at my car. He said "So sorry for your loss, but that bit about the concrete breaking and that dude using the word spooky in a graveyard during a funeral was really something...." I couldn't help but laugh. And I know it's incredibly dark and inappropriate (and we would never say this to anyone else that wasn't in on the joke), but my partner and I occasionally tell each other to be careful when walking on sidewalks or passing cemeteries now... You never know when the Earth is going to burst wide open to allow everyone's great escape, but it sounds messy and spooky. 12 minutes ago, MOHO said: It takes a lot of courage and character to overcome tendency to dwell on what the doctrine did to us over the years and focus on love and the good even the chrities do. Yes, I keep reminding myself that everything is just going to take time. I'm also hoping that when I go on my next awkward visit to see my family, we'll all find a way to just be together as our genuine selves. That might take a lot more phone calls and visits to achieve though. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lerk Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 On 1/23/2019 at 1:41 AM, Bug said: Then one day I had a groundbreaking thought: My Granny's faith didn't matter in the way I originally thought it did. When I removed faith in God from the equation I realized she was still a strong, loving, patient woman who adored her family and did what she believed was best in her time on Earth. She laughed hard, helped anyone she could, and loved me more than words can describe. She cooked amazing fried chicken, could grow anything in her garden, and had an excellent sense of humor. She was still my Granny and I will always remember her fondly and strive to be even a tenth of the woman she was. I realized that all I want out of life is freedom, truth, and love. When I spend time with my loved ones, especially that pesky Atheist partner, I simply don't need God to be happy anymore. In letting go of God, I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined. I get to share my life with people who love me for who I am and vice versa. I can look forward to constantly learning new information, growing, and changing my mind. I can help others solely because I feel it is the right thing to do. Yes! Wonderfully stated! We live on, not as spirits, but because people remember us, and because of the things we pass on. Our descendants look and sound like us, and may even have the same mannerisms and values, so even generations who never knew a person can still be affected by them. I'm trying to make memories for my grandchildren, not so that I can be "respected" after I'm gone, but so that hopefully their entire lives will be richer for my having been there. Glad to have you aboard, Bug! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
◊ DestinyTurtle ◊ Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Thank you so much for sharing this, @Bug! I really appreciated it. Reading it helps put into perspective and help me cope with complex family-related feelings in my own life as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Beautiful and wonderful! Thanks so much for sharing! I to lost my granny just 5 months after my deconversion. It wasn't easy, but i think being an atheist helped me get through that better than if I was still a Christian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bug Posted January 29, 2019 Author Share Posted January 29, 2019 On 1/25/2019 at 3:00 PM, Lerk said: Yes! Wonderfully stated! We live on, not as spirits, but because people remember us, and because of the things we pass on. Our descendants look and sound like us, and may even have the same mannerisms and values, so even generations who never knew a person can still be affected by them. I'm trying to make memories for my grandchildren, not so that I can be "respected" after I'm gone, but so that hopefully their entire lives will be richer for my having been there. Glad to have you aboard, Bug! Glad to be here! Memories have always been special to me, but they've become even more significant since I gave up Christianity. I think it's a good and natural desire to enrich the lives of those around us, especially our loved ones. Faith was a big part of my Granny's story, but it won't take away anything else she left me with either. I actually believe that, out of all the great traits she had, her patience is something I will cherish the most. On 1/25/2019 at 5:31 PM, DestinyTurtle said: Thank you so much for sharing this, @Bug! I really appreciated it. Reading it helps put into perspective and help me cope with complex family-related feelings in my own life as well! I'm glad it could help in some way! Family feelings can be the most complex of all. On 1/25/2019 at 6:40 PM, Justin said: Beautiful and wonderful! Thanks so much for sharing! I to lost my granny just 5 months after my deconversion. It wasn't easy, but i think being an atheist helped me get through that better than if I was still a Christian. It's really interesting how that can be the case. I think if I were still Christian I would be having a more difficult time too. My Christian family members are having a lot of trouble right now because, in addition to this major loss, they now feel the need to indoctrinate themselves even more. They're all really struggling in an attempt to gain this same faith they also witnessed in my Granny, which is exactly what I would be doing as well had I not ever been courageous enough to question anything. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riversong Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 On 1/25/2019 at 3:00 PM, Lerk said: Yes! Wonderfully stated! We live on, not as spirits, but because people remember us, and because of the things we pass on. Our descendants look and sound like us, and may even have the same mannerisms and values, so even generations who never knew a person can still be affected by them. I'm trying to make memories for my grandchildren, not so that I can be "respected" after I'm gone, but so that hopefully their entire lives will be richer for my having been there. Glad to have you aboard, Bug! Yes! I really love these sentiments and hope to pass on the same sort of ideals. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
☆ DarkBishop ☆ Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Beautiful testimony @Bug I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your deconversion and about the great woman your grandmother was. It’s refreshing to see the new outlook you now have on life. The feelings from the indoctrination will slowly fade. I still have a relapse of “feelings” from time to time. But that’s to be expected. Welcome to ExC! DB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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