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Samuel

The scars of breaking free

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One of the reasons that I feel deconversion  is so hard is that there is no road map. 

 

I didnt find a perfect psychologist to answers my questions. You might, some others might, I didn’t. 

 

I didn’t find perfect family and community right away to ease the hardships. Others might. (I didn’t have a good enough understanding of my own needs and psychology to make choices that would have saved me a lot of pain.)

 

I didn’t have the resources either to make for a painless journey. Others might. 

 

I wonder all the time whether people have found easier ways, or whether I could have found easier ways. I don’t think so myself, and in fact trying to find the strength to break unhealthy ties is so hard, in and of itself, that I don’t think I had that luxury.

The times I stopped because I was sad were often opportunities for family just to tell me how wrong I was to make me feel bad and to gaslight me (make me feel as if it was all in my head) about my reasons for breaking free. No one gaslights like a parent.

 

I mourn all the time. Some of the scar of breaking free has become me as much as the real freedom to be and learn who I am and who I want to be. 

 

 

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40 minutes ago, Samuel said:

One of the reasons that I feel deconversion  is so hard is that there is no road map. 

 

I didnt find a perfect psychologist to answers my questions. You might, some others might, I didn’t. 

 

I didn’t find perfect family and community right away to ease the hardships. Others might. (I didn’t have a good enough understanding of my own needs and psychology to make choices that would have saved me a lot of pain.)

 

I didn’t have the resources either to make for a painless journey. Others might. 

 

I wonder all the time whether people have found easier ways, or whether I could have found easier ways. I don’t think so myself, and in fact trying to find the strength to break unhealthy ties is so hard, in and of itself, that I don’t think I had that luxury.

The times I stopped because I was sad were often opportunities for family just to tell me how wrong I was to make me feel bad and to gaslight me (make me feel as if it was all in my head) about my reasons for breaking free. No one gaslights like a parent.

 

I mourn all the time. Some of the scar of breaking free has become me as much as the real freedom to be and learn who I am and who I want to be. 

 

 

When we were children did we need to know God and the meaning of everything? Didn't we ask little nagging questions about how cookies are made and what dinosaurs looked like. Curiosity was a simple thing until we were brainwashed to think that the little questions weren't important anymore. 

 

Peace. 

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The scars of breaking free are real, and I still have them. And I left the cult over 30 years ago. I have come to accept that the scars will be with me for life.

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It seems I am a very fortunate person. I was a long time member of an extreme version of Christianity, but for me it was simply a matter of re-education. Once I became aware of the scholarship dedicated to the actual historical records of the origins and evolution of both the Bible and the Christian faith (Historical Critical field of study), and I studied and researched that information the indoctrination just went away.

 

Leaving Christianity was relatively easy and I haven't second guessed my decision to walk away from religion, or the authenticity of the historical records that I studied. I was lucky, for me it was much like turning off a light switch. Knowing the historical facts made leaving easy because there was no reason to stay. 

 

 

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On 2/15/2019 at 7:51 PM, Samuel said:

I mourn all the time. Some of the scar of breaking free has become me as much as the real freedom to be and learn who I am and who I want to be. 

Don't be afraid to feel. There's no roadmap largely because this is you learning how to be your true self, and by design no one can show you a roadmap for that. You've probably seen how people cling to religion partly because they are afraid of what it would entail if they gave themselves permission to be themselves and think for themselves. It's a difficult responsibility but a rewarding one in the end. 

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It is hard. And it is hard because, I think that that it is one thing to just convert to another thing, like hinduism, or buddhism, or taoism. But having nothing really sucks.  in time, probably, when the mind heals. And the thing, at least this WAS and IS emphasized in Orthodox Christianity, that even believer's don't actually know the WHOLE truth, only minute parts of it. I really don't know. 

 

And yes , the thing about childhood. Well a child *does* need all the answers. Bu the parents are there to give them. And plus a child's need for coherence is much smaller than an adult's needs. This what I have experienced, anyway. 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Myrkhoos said:

It is hard. And it is hard because, I think that that it is one thing to just convert to another thing, like hinduism, or buddhism, or taoism. But having nothing really sucks.  in time, probably, when the mind heals. And the thing, at least this WAS and IS emphasized in Orthodox Christianity, that even believer's don't actually know the WHOLE truth, only minute parts of it. I really don't know. 

 

And yes , the thing about childhood. Well a child *does* need all the answers. Bu the parents are there to give them. And plus a child's need for coherence is much smaller than an adult's needs. This what I have experienced, anyway. 

 

 

 

 

I suggest you consider spending time with different subjects...ones that have little, if any, lack of coherence.  Such subjects include music, mathematics, hard science, history, etc.

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Thanks everyone, sometimes you know it’s the right way forward but it still sucks. 

 

 

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