Dumped because I'm not Christian

[midniterider]

4 minutes ago, mamabear said:

Wow thanks everyone. We had a conversation last night, he explained that he was triggered by the kind of sex we had with things from his past like porn, strippers (it was crazy good sex) he didn’t use them but he was battling himself. He wants me to read the bible which I’m not against but he seems to think it’s this magic solution to everything. And he wants me to meet Christian people. I basically told him I don’t trust him, he needs to be single with full focus on faith and that he needs to value and respect me for who I am. I was really adamant about him thinking that if I just change everything will be ok instead of looking at himself is crazy. 

I left it at that really. He still wants to be with me and I just said you need to stabilize, we will see. 

 

Ask him if he can love you and live his life with you if you are not a believer in Jesus. Can he love a non-Jesus version of Mamabear? Or can he only love a Christian Mamabear? If he cannot allow the woman he loves the freedom to be herself, then that's not really love; it's a warden/prisoner relationship.

 

At some point the chemicals ebb and what you have left is two personalities that are hopefully mostly on the same wavelength. Take an inventory of what parts of both of your personalities are compatible. Don't become something for someone else....you might hate yourself later.  

[TABA]

42 minutes ago, mamabear said:

That’s a very good question. I’m definitely an A but the actual head fuck is that it’s not Christ Centered....It’s just about being good, trying to be a better person and knowing my values, being a positive ripple. Spiritual and not religious. The thing that is frustrating is that I have faith and pray and all that, just not to Jesus. 

 

So clearly you’re not a Christian.  Wanting to be good, trying to be a better person and knowing our values, being a positive ripple, those are things most of us would aspire to, without necessarily believing in any gods.  What do you have faith in and who do you pray to?  

 

Midniterider gave you good advice above, and I hope you’ll give it careful thought.  Group A Christians tend to want partners who are also Group A Christians. 

[DanForsman]

4 hours ago, mamabear said:

That’s a very good question. I’m definitely an A but the actual head fuck is that it’s not Christ Centered....It’s just about being good, trying to be a better person and knowing my values, being a positive ripple. Spiritual and not religious. The thing that is frustrating is that I have faith and pray and all that, just not to Jesus. 

Maybe you should check into exactly what Christian church your  boyfriend is under the influence of. Most of the emotional cults are not open to considering any even slight divergence from whatever doctrine is included in their statement of faith. That would mean all “spiritual but not religious” types are hell bound so you would be nowhere near the A group. Having read what you’ve posted here I would think B. But the fascinating thing would be to put this question to your love interest and see what he says.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I would suggest you look for a person like yourself who is religiously flexable in a sense. 

[RealityCheck]

A similar experience was brought up with another member in the past hence I will give you the same response I gave them.  A Christian might be as moderate as can be, they might not care what your faith (or lack of) might be at a certain point.  However, if they listen to the wrong sermon or go through some kind of "revival" event, they will be inclined to cut whatever it is in their life doesn't align with their delusion.  You see, it's a ticking time bomb with no clock to indicate when it will detonate.  I too have felt this type of pain and rejection for the exact same reason.  No matter how many times I tried dating or pursuing someone with religious tendencies, it always ended badly.  Let these stories serve as a warning to anybody else in your shoes, you cannot date someone who's core beliefs differ vastly to yours.  These are so interwoven into their identities that an assault to said beliefs are  an attack on them.

[mamabear]

Thank you for welcoming me into your community, even though I’m not ex-Christian, but ex-of-a-christian.  that really says so much to be welcomed even though I don’t share the same beliefs and gives me hope that I can be accepted for who I am and what I believe in. 

I wish I could figure out how to like or react to people’s posts....

[♦ Fuego ♦]

1 hour ago, mamabear said:

I wish I could figure out how to like or react to people’s posts....

 

There is a minimum number of initial posts needed before certain abilities are given. I don't know what the numbers are.

 

[buffettphan]

1 hour ago, mamabear said:

I wish I could figure out how to like or react to people’s posts....

 

^ Fuego's right  ^    It's around 25 posts, give or take.  You will automatically go from New Member to Regular Member.  You'll see a heart on the far right in the same line as Quote Edit Options.  Hover on the heart and you'll see the types of reactions.  Click on the one you want to use.            Welcome to Ex-C!

[mamabear]

Chapter two of headfuckery: now he tells me he’s been watching porn. So he feels guilty and thinks our connection is sinful but he’s been lying about watching porn. Omg my brain hurts. 

I have a few issues with this : Lying about watching porn - I have my own issues with it that are clouding my reasonableness 

Blaming me for our sinful connection because he feels guilty 

omg !!!!!!

[TABA]

Tell him if he’d deconvert you could watch porn together without any guilt. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Have you considered that he may be using you?  Kind of like a porn video?  And has no intention of a committed realtionship. 

[TruthSeeker0]

9 hours ago, mamabear said:

Chapter two of headfuckery: now he tells me he’s been watching porn. So he feels guilty and thinks our connection is sinful but he’s been lying about watching porn. Omg my brain hurts. 

I have a few issues with this : Lying about watching porn - I have my own issues with it that are clouding my reasonableness 

Blaming me for our sinful connection because he feels guilty 

omg !!!!!!

The blame game is never any good. I'd drop him and run. You deserve so much better. 

[older]

Truthseeker is right, Mamabear. There are too many red flags here. Time to bear the pain of the breakup and move on.

[ConsiderTheSource]

22 hours ago, mamabear said:

Chapter two of headfuckery: now he tells me he’s been watching porn. So he feels guilty and thinks our connection is sinful but he’s been lying about watching porn. Omg my brain hurts. 

I have a few issues with this : Lying about watching porn - I have my own issues with it that are clouding my reasonableness 

Blaming me for our sinful connection because he feels guilty 

omg !!!!!!

 

It is always about them.  Always.  

 

As long as his natural desires conflict with the religious mindfuck he is under this behavior will continue.  He will keep seeking outside source to move "blame" from himself onto the outside source.  He see you as a safe outside source to transfer his guilt to.  A mental garbage dump ground.

 

Are you gaining value and joy by serving as his blame landfill?  I doubt it.  Do not accept his mental garbage.  Make him find some other external place to dump.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

23 hours ago, mamabear said:

Chapter two of headfuckery: now he tells me he’s been watching porn. So he feels guilty and thinks our connection is sinful but he’s been lying about watching porn. Omg my brain hurts. 

I have a few issues with this : Lying about watching porn - I have my own issues with it that are clouding my reasonableness 

Blaming me for our sinful connection because he feels guilty 

omg !!!!!!

This clown is not ready to have an adult relationship; you are.  He is blaming you for his own "sinfulness" because he is not yet mature enough to take responsibility for his own actions.  He may not ever be able to take that kind of responsibility; because he's been taught to "lay it all down at the feet of jesus" and other such bullshit.  That is both projection and transference; and christians are masters of it, having been trained and conditioned from the beginning.  As early as Sunday school, they are taught to transfer their shit to jesus; and many never get past that behavior, eventually transferring onto spouses, children, co-workers, etc.

 

 

[Myrkhoos]

I would repeat the same advices. Having a intimate and very close relationship of any kind is only possible when people share the same core beliefs.  Because to be intimate requires sharing your core. And if those conflict...well then you have conflict not union.  Of course other degrees of relationships are possible.

[Lefty]

On 3/5/2019 at 10:08 AM, mamabear said:

Chapter two of headfuckery: now he tells me he’s been watching porn. So he feels guilty and thinks our connection is sinful but he’s been lying about watching porn. Omg my brain hurts. 

I have a few issues with this : Lying about watching porn - I have my own issues with it that are clouding my reasonableness 

Blaming me for our sinful connection because he feels guilty 

omg !!!!!!

Thank you for sharing your situation. That is some intense stuff to go through. RIght off the top, there is a conflict between what each of you believe theologically. Added to that, it sounds like each of you has been following to some extent the teachings of a church group, which apparently are in conflict doctrinally. That's a tough deal to handle, seeing both views of the religion are quite frankly wrong. It appears as though he is a regular church-goer and is trying to abide by that organization's interpretations of how a Christian is to act. He might want to reread those parts of the New Testament that addresses the relationships between a man and woman. He is correct in that he has been living in sin as defined by that doctrine, but that is okay according to the scriptures so long as he repents and makes an effort to amend his ways. Scripture itself says that we are not perfect, right? Kinda the whole point of Jesus. So the boyfriend WILL make mistakes, guaranteed. DUH! Humans are not perfect, as if we needed some book to remind us, so try not to be so hard on him and yourself. In his own ignorance, he is trying to be a good little Christian. Unfortunately, he seems to be having some major conflicts in his own "walk" in his faith. Not surprising, because we are very sensual beings, we have...needs and wants, regardless of our religious beliefs. At least he was eventually honest about the porn stuff. I can understand that some people have views about porn that might cause some friction. Understood. If he is trying to blame you for his weaknesses, his own weakness is the reason he is trying to blame you. He's trying to justify his own actions based on his religious views. The desires of the "flesh" will never go away. That is human nature, and even scripture says that. That is the point of a savior theology, to "save" man from his own humanity. Unfortunately, no religion can resolve it through a religion unless the religion says that humans can have sex as they see fit based on their individual desires of that said flesh. What the body desires is what it is. The problem is with the Christian religion. It compels the man to act in a way that is contrary to human nature. I do not believe that a human being can be successful in denying the "lusts of the flesh" so that conflict will always be there in spite of spiritual devotion. Consider that even though the people of Isreal were given a law to follow to the letter, they have failed miserably at keeping their own law.

[skysoar15]

Whatever you do, don't join him.

It sucks, but there may be no winning him back. 

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament. I truly feel for you.

 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I think mammabear must have gone for another long walk.

[mamabear]

On 3/7/2019 at 3:38 AM, Lefty said:

Thank you for sharing your situation. That is some intense stuff to go through. RIght off the top, there is a conflict between what each of you believe theologically. Added to that, it sounds like each of you has been following to some extent the teachings of a church group, which apparently are in conflict doctrinally. That's a tough deal to handle, seeing both views of the religion are quite frankly wrong. It appears as though he is a regular church-goer and is trying to abide by that organization's interpretations of how a Christian is to act. He might want to reread those parts of the New Testament that addresses the relationships between a man and woman. He is correct in that he has been living in sin as defined by that doctrine, but that is okay according to the scriptures so long as he repents and makes an effort to amend his ways. Scripture itself says that we are not perfect, right? Kinda the whole point of Jesus. So the boyfriend WILL make mistakes, guaranteed. DUH! Humans are not perfect, as if we needed some book to remind us, so try not to be so hard on him and yourself. In his own ignorance, he is trying to be a good little Christian. Unfortunately, he seems to be having some major conflicts in his own "walk" in his faith. Not surprising, because we are very sensual beings, we have...needs and wants, regardless of our religious beliefs. At least he was eventually honest about the porn stuff. I can understand that some people have views about porn that might cause some friction. Understood. If he is trying to blame you for his weaknesses, his own weakness is the reason he is trying to blame you. He's trying to justify his own actions based on his religious views. The desires of the "flesh" will never go away. That is human nature, and even scripture says that. That is the point of a savior theology, to "save" man from his own humanity. Unfortunately, no religion can resolve it through a religion unless the religion says that humans can have sex as they see fit based on their individual desires of that said flesh. What the body desires is what it is. The problem is with the Christian religion. It compels the man to act in a way that is contrary to human nature. I do not believe that a human being can be successful in denying the "lusts of the flesh" so that conflict will always be there in spite of spiritual devotion. Consider that even though the people of Isreal were given a law to follow to the letter, they have failed miserably at keeping their own law.

This really makes sense to me. I am so disgusted with the evangelical pressure that his church told him about me. I’m trying to recover from all this 

[mamabear]

On 3/20/2019 at 7:54 PM, Weezer said:

I think mammabear must have gone for another long walk.

Yes, I bought a motorcycle. Hahahaha. It’s called the Holy Spirit 

[mamabear]

On 3/6/2019 at 8:44 AM, TheRedneckProfessor said:

This clown is not ready to have an adult relationship; you are.  He is blaming you for his own "sinfulness" because he is not yet mature enough to take responsibility for his own actions.  He may not ever be able to take that kind of responsibility; because he's been taught to "lay it all down at the feet of jesus" and other such bullshit.  That is both projection and transference; and christians are masters of it, having been trained and conditioned from the beginning.  As early as Sunday school, they are taught to transfer their shit to jesus; and many never get past that behavior, eventually transferring onto spouses, children, co-workers, etc.

 

 

It seems like the evangelical way creates almost a kind of psychosis. There is this extreme duality, a huge gap between actions and words. And the gap is so big that it is filled with hypocrisy. In a way I’m glad i got to experience this religious brainwashing second hand and reinforce my own common sense. Common sense isn’t so common I guess. 

 

[Akheia]

On 3/1/2019 at 3:14 AM, ToHellWithMe said:

If he was converted by a single sermon, that sounds so flimsy there might be a chance he flips back again, (and again). 

 

This. He sounds pretty flippy-dippy to me. You may have dodged a bullet with this one. If religion's a dealbreaker for him, then he's not the one for you. But in the meanwhile, it hurts. It can indeed feel like having the rug pulled out from under you. You're right to feel that way. He started out the relationship on one footing, and then did a sudden 180 and now he's a religious fanatic upset with YOU and blaming YOU for something that isn't your fault at all, and worst of all expecting YOU to go through a song-and-dance to help soothe his weird freakout. Dude's a loony, and you're quite right in saying he needs to stabilize before you're willing to consider anything with him. Something's going on here and it smells wrong to me.

 

Do not change your religion just to make a man happy. Do not change anything major about yourself just to make anybody else happy. He sounds like the kind who'll just find more drama to punish you both with later on down the line. If you're not convinced that Christianity's claims are true--and why on earth would you be, since they are false and quite preposterous besides--then you're fully within your rights to let him know that you're simply not willing to play his Adult Pretendy Fun Time Game with him, and then let him go find a religious nutter who'll indulge his drama. Good luck hon. Religion poisons everything, and it sounds like it's done to you what it's done to many many millions of other people. You're not alone here.