mamabear

Dumped because I'm not Christian

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I have found solace in many of the posts here and am reaching out for help.

 

I fell in love with a very religious man, who mostly seemed tolerant of my own beliefs (spiritual and not religious). We had the most beautiful connection I have ever had with anyone and I felt safe with his values. One day after he went to a sermon he turned into a different man - said "there is no chance to be together without Christ". I feel like he is throwing away this beautiful connection because of his own guilt and because of his Church. He is evangelist. He met my whole family, we have been having sex for a while then just one day he says - our relationship is sinful and you must follow Christ or there is no chance to be together. I am still in the middle of having the rug pulled out from under me after falling for this man so hard. Please help.

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That sucks; and I won't pretend to know what you're going through.  I did have a fiance dump me because I wasn't as "holy" as her; but that's not entirely the same.  It rocked my world too.  Time and distance will help heal you, though I know that offers little consolation right now.  You want to know "what you could have done differently" or "what you did wrong".  The answer to both is "nothing".  This was a glitch in his matrix, not yours.  If you loved him the best you could, then count yourself fortunate for having the capacity to love like that, and for having the experience.  In time, you will find that capacity again, and another experience.

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@momabear,

 

Consider yourself fortunate that this happened now instead of 20 years into a marriage.

 

Well, to be clear, I'm the one who changed. I had an epiphany at that point and realized religions are man-made and rejected the lot of them. In my defence I likely would not have given a RIP if Mrs. MOHO had not gone head over heels involved in the funnymentalism.

 

    - (MOHO) Mind Of His Own

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Girl, count yourself lucky. You do not need that patriarchal crap and yes, that's what you would be getting, even with the most loving of men, if they are religious.  In other words, you would be beneath him in every way that matters because his christ is above him and he's above you. You don't want that. You need an equal.  Let him go and go after better things.  

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Thank you for the support, I am having hard time understanding how someone can change overnight because of a sermon. He knew I wasn't Christian. Now he is saying "you are not christian, we are not married, we have sex, our relationship is a sinful connection" wtf??!!!!???!!!??? also apparently he had dreams about our 'sinful connection' and lost the holy spirit because of it.

yyeesssshhhh

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40 minutes ago, mamabear said:

Thank you for the support, I am having hard time understanding how someone can change overnight because of a sermon. He knew I wasn't Christian. Now he is saying "you are not christian, we are not married, we have sex, our relationship is a sinful connection" wtf??!!!!???!!!??? also apparently he had dreams about our 'sinful connection' and lost the holy spirit because of it.

yyeesssshhhh

 

If you've been around here for a while you may have heard people refer to the Faith Virus.  Religious faith can take over part or all of a person's mind, short-circuiting normal reasoning and creating an alternate reality.  At its worst, it can make people fly airliners into buildings and celebrate the deaths of thousands.  Or burn heretics at the stake.  Hopefully this man won't go that far, but I'm sorry his particular version of the faith virus has caused you such pain.  It sucks, I know.  Give yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship and it will slowly get better over time.  Meanwhile I'm glad you've been helped here and I hope you'll stay around!

 

All the Best

TABA

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Reason number 1 I will never date anyone of any religious persuasion: all of them can turn into monsters overnight if they fail to use logic and reason. Yes, even the most kind and loving of them can do awful, horrific things if they lack those faculties or don't know how to use them.

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5 hours ago, mamabear said:

I am having hard time understanding how someone can change overnight because of a sermon.

 

It was not the sermon.  It is him, and the Evangelical programming/Mind Fuck.

 

When it comes to Evangelicals, is always about them.  ALWAYS.  By making you "less than" is all about him.

 

Get far away from any relationship where the other party lacks empathy.

 

 

 

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I am so sorry you are hurting. The mind fuck of religion is so strong that I actually was the one to cause the pain, heartbreak, and suffering on a 17-year-old marriage that was wonderful..... except the fact that he would not go to church with me or 'accept the lord''. So I left thinking god wanted me to be 'equally yoked'. (well, that's what the preacher always preached!) I still pay for that mistake to this very day because I am not the type of person who likes breaking someone's heart....and I did and I have to live with that.

 

When one is brainwashed by this doctrine, it can cause much suffering. Cry your heart out that you got mixed up with a man who got,  (righteous) ''religion'', don't blame yourself and move on to someone who shares your values. So sorry hon you have to go through this. Big (hug)

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Welcome mamabear!  If you haven't already, someday you will likely consider the breakup a fortunate happening.  You don't say how old the 2 of you are, but If a preacher and a sermon was able to change a grown man that quickly, he is not a very stable person.  HANG IN THERE!

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If he was converted by a single sermon, that sounds so flimsy there might be a chance he flips back again, (and again). Dream sounds a bit deeper, as it originates from his own subconscious. Some dreams can be very profound and make you think. If it made him realize he was being foolishly hopeful about, say, gradually changing your worldview, and wasting time because of it, then that mindset might be harder to revert.

 

If you wanna land him regardless, maybe you have to offer him that hope, lol.

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It is a difficult thing, but you are seeing him for what he is right now. I was absolutely driven by my beliefs for 30 years, doing things that make me cringe now. Many Christians are liberal or have no problem with sex and such. But most of us are here because we were fundamentalist or Pentecostal types that finally saw through the crazy-making stories and beliefs.

 

Time and another love were the best healers for me each time I lost someone I loved. I never found any other help but these, except maybe seeing in retrospect how very bad a couple we would have been because of various reasons that I willingly overlooked because she was so attractive. In your case, avoiding the hell of living every day with a True Believer is actually a good thing, which you can see by reading the posts of those who have to live with the crazy behaviors and attitudes created by religion.

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11 hours ago, Weezer said:

Welcome mamabear!  If you haven't already, someday you will likely consider the breakup a fortunate happening.  You don't say how old the 2 of you are, but If a preacher and a sermon was able to change a grown man that quickly, he is not a very stable person.  HANG IN THERE!

I’m in my early 40’s with a teenager. He’s late 30’s. We are both divorced. 

The brainwashed side of him is such a headfuck. You are right, if he can change just from one sermon and stay stuck in that guilt induced state for days then he’s not stable. I’m still in the middle of all of it and it hurts. Reading these boards makes the most sense to me. Time and another love?!!!! Ugh. 😩

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I actually feel really betrayed. I felt conforted by the fact that he was religious only because he seemed to have really strong values and this huge capacity to love like I had never experienced. Now I am wondering if he was just love bombing me in the hopes that he could save me. The things is, I do believe in Jesus but I am not religious, I told him I was willing to go to church and even be baptized but I would have to choose them myself. Even after all that, all he is saying now is "there is no chance to be together without Christ"

For those who are recovering Evanglists - can you help me understand this guilt ridden brainwashed mindset? I really do not understand. In his delusional state he was saying things to me like "you are saying I and me too much, that is ego" and that I have false leaders and do not know my saviour.

Also I realize the way I answered about my age above makes it sound like he is a teenager, but I have a teenage son.

Thank you all so much!!! Feeling the love

 

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9 minutes ago, mamabear said:

For those who are recovering Evangelists - can you help me understand this guilt ridden brainwashed mindset?

 

Leaving the Fold by Dr. Marlene Winell

 

It's available on Kindle too. 

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On 2/28/2019 at 3:01 PM, mamabear said:

Thank you for the support, I am having hard time understanding how someone can change overnight because of a sermon. He knew I wasn't Christian. Now he is saying "you are not christian, we are not married, we have sex, our relationship is a sinful connection" wtf??!!!!???!!!??? also apparently he had dreams about our 'sinful connection' and lost the holy spirit because of it.

yyeesssshhhh

 

Ohhh honey, I'm so sorry to hear this. A broken heart is the worst pain I think I've gone through by a MILE and I cracked open my skull last year! Please take solace that it will get better. It sucks, BAD, but it does get better with time. Just take deep breaths, focus on each day at a time, and visualize yourself whole, thriving, and happy while single; focus on that mental image. I had to do that "you don't need no man" pep talk to myself regularly. There are limitations once you settle down, which are fine of course, but that doesn't mean you can't own the SHIT out of this phase! Maybe my perspective can help too.

 

Growing up, I was him. I was picky picky with men, didn't even date in high school because I viewed it as pointless since I wouldn't be having sex. When I did start getting to "dating for marriage" age, I lost interest completely in anyone who wasn't Christian. Not JUST Christian either, he had to be "better" or more holy than me so that he'd be the spiritual leader like god wanted. If I was going to submit, that man had better be right in the head. You need to understand the HELL that it is for our side. It's part of why I am here. Christians are inundated with these messages, whether subliminal or direct, that revolve around being able to "decipher god's plan" and "don't fuck it up" since you can't get divorced. God allowed a bear to maul a bunch of teens for teasing "one of his people" after all, the guy's nuts. Pair that with "godly behavior" where you're looking at how they present themselves. Do they want to engage with me physically? Get drunk or cuss? Why aren't they obsessed with god at ALL TIMES like I am, because of that freaky "god sees my sinful thoughts and maybe I'll go to hell" fear? It was simple, if they weren't pursuing god at all times, then they weren't god's choice for me. They ain't right with the Lord. Now, I know that I was projecting. I was projecting my fear of not being good enough for god on men, by not allowing them to be good enough for me. I dated a guy for a year and a half, thought we were getting married, had a connection. Sure, we fought about doctrine a lot lol, but we connected. I mourned that break up for over a year.

 

Until, and I "thank god" for this ironically, I met someone special. He was raised Christian, not as fundamental as me, started going to church with me and getting involved in my teeny church because he was into me. That was his "in," I figured god was doing a work in him, I was part of his story. I got invested. He saw me. He saw the craziness I was going through when you try to reconcile romantic love and sincere human connection with what god wants. I saw his "flaws" all day long and was constantly neurotic that I was making the wrong choice and that god would punish me for it. But I couldn't get past that man's acceptance of me, I have never known anything like it. He displayed the unconditional love and nonjudgmentalness that every other Christian I've ever known couldn't, including myself. I figured "ah well, at least he's "saved" and it's not like I'm perfect. Had a religious wedding, stayed all Christian for like a year. Then the proverbial shit hit the fan and everything I couldn't reconcile between my faith and reality, all my metaphysical questions, ethical dilemmas....well, needless to say, here I am. And I am SO GLAD my husband has always been so chill, if I had married who I was looking for, I'd probably be divorced. Just know, that in our minds, it wasn't what WE want, it's us battling "our flesh." It was virtuous to deny ourselves for god. Because of fear of god, wrath, and retribution. It's confusing, terrifying, and it hurts like hell.

 

If you feel he's worth it, perhaps you can bring him all your concerns about faith and see his response. You'll have to have a helluva case. If he's open and willing, maybe he'll see it and you'll have helped get him out. If not, maybe it's a dodged bullet you can't see yet. *HUGS* By leaving my faith, I have gotten over my broken heart from my mother, my broken heart from my ex, my broken heart from god himself. Pick up the pieces, cry, eat ice cream, and just do you, boo, you DON'T need no man. But if you choose one, choose one that protects your heart.

 

 

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So to be honest, I’ve been doing some serious mental negotiation - like “OK Jesus if you are real I and I’m full of sin, prove it, show yourself to me.” Maybe I have also been brainwashed. 

Part of me hopes he realizes what an amazing woman and connection he has thrown away and the other part does not trust his unpredictability at all 

 

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Please do not beg, or try to "make" something happen with this guy, or anyone else.  If there is mutual care and respect, it will happen.  Anything less is begging for trouble.  

 

Just be yourself, and find someone who can be themself.  Either side trying to change the other, or thinking the other will change over time, is a set up for disappointment.  And if you don't know who you are yet, or what you believe, you need to work on that before trying to make a relationship work.  Healthy relationships that work over time are people who like and trust each other.  That magic attraction sometimes called love can at times be deceiving.  And without the trust and respect, can at times fade away.

 

3 hours ago, mamabear said:

So to be honest, I’ve been doing some serious mental negotiation - like “OK Jesus if you are real I and I’m full of sin, prove it, show yourself to me.” Maybe I have also been brainwashed. 

 

I am not exactly sure what you are saying here.  I have great respect for the man in story of Jesus, and his teaching, but after years of research about him and the history of Christianity, decided he probably existed, but was made into something he was not by the Catholic church.  As depicted in the story, he was a wise person in his time period.  If you are still wrestling with this, and religion, go to the "Testimony" threads and look for my story.  I think it is now on page 2 or 3.  I don't know how to do a link, but think I called it, "a personal story.  A gradual awakening"  it is a step by step story of my search for truth, and what i decided.  There are many great stories in that forum that will help you sort through the religious doctrines.

 

And, please excuse a little attempt at humor here, but if Jesus does show himself to you, please call your local mental health clinic ASAP!

 

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On 2/28/2019 at 8:16 AM, mamabear said:

I have found solace in many of the posts here and am reaching out for help.

 

I fell in love with a very religious man, who mostly seemed tolerant of my own beliefs (spiritual and not religious). We had the most beautiful connection I have ever had with anyone and I felt safe with his values. One day after he went to a sermon he turned into a different man - said "there is no chance to be together without Christ". I feel like he is throwing away this beautiful connection because of his own guilt and because of his Church. He is evangelist. He met my whole family, we have been having sex for a while then just one day he says - our relationship is sinful and you must follow Christ or there is no chance to be together. I am still in the middle of having the rug pulled out from under me after falling for this man so hard. Please help.

 

Sorry about the unfortunate turn of events in your life. It sounds like he's emotionally extorting you: Love Jesus or I'm outta here. That's crap. Be strong. Take care of you and your child and let this guy rot. Maybe he  should think for himself instead of letting the church do his thinking.

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     Could it be that he is bi-polar and is cycling?  We've had folks on here (and IRL) that very quickly become ultra-religious when that happens.  It's a hell of a ride for them and everyone around them.

 

          mwc

 

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It sucks.  I was on the receiving end of something similar in my christian days.   I was dating a girl and thought things were going great.  She said nice things about me and how great things were between us......etc.......  Almost overnight she told me that god told her to dump me.   The words were nicer but this was the implication.   I don't know how all this works.  I was devastated. 

 

In looking back this was the beginning of the end of my faith.  I tried and some women tried,  but I could never get close to another christian gal again.    I am now glad she did what she did and I am happily in a relationship with some one that accepts me.

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22 hours ago, mamabear said:

I actually feel really betrayed. I felt conforted by the fact that he was religious only because he seemed to have really strong values and this huge capacity to love like I had never experienced. Now I am wondering if he was just love bombing me in the hopes that he could save me. The things is, I do believe in Jesus but I am not religious, I told him I was willing to go to church and even be baptized but I would have to choose them myself. Even after all that, all he is saying now is "there is no chance to be together without Christ"

For those who are recovering Evanglists - can you help me understand this guilt ridden brainwashed mindset? I really do not understand. In his delusional state he was saying things to me like "you are saying I and me too much, that is ego" and that I have false leaders and do not know my saviour.

Red flags. This is controlling behavior. In any healthy relationship you are allowed to say I and me when discussing how you feel etc. Why the fuck is this dude telling you you have false leaders and don't know your savior? Religion and brainwashing. My only advice is run, and run fast. There will be better things and someone that values you for who you are, trust me. 

Quote

Also I realize the way I answered about my age above makes it sound like he is a teenager, but I have a teenage son.

Thank you all so much!!! Feeling the love

 

I'm sorry to tell you this but people who are involved in xtianity are children in many senses of the word and haven't grown up - how can they be when god and Jesus are leading them and they're told they're not allowed to trust themselves and practice self responsibility? I would highly recommend reading Marlene Winell's Leaving the Fold so you understand what exactly is going on here. 

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Wow thanks everyone. We had a conversation last night, he explained that he was triggered by the kind of sex we had with things from his past like porn, strippers (it was crazy good sex) he didn’t use them but he was battling himself. He wants me to read the bible which I’m not against but he seems to think it’s this magic solution to everything. And he wants me to meet Christian people. I basically told him I don’t trust him, he needs to be single with full focus on faith and that he needs to value and respect me for who I am. I was really adamant about him thinking that if I just change everything will be ok instead of looking at himself is crazy. 

I left it at that really. He still wants to be with me and I just said you need to stabilize, we will see. 

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Mamabear, I think it would help if we had a better understanding of your attitude to Christianity.  You haven’t really given us your background in that area.  It’s not required that you start off with an ‘Ex-timony’ as we call it, but it can help with understanding.  Your topic title indicates you’re not a Christian.  I think there are three kinds of people: (A) true believers for whom faith drives their lives, (B) people who neither fully embrace nor reject faith and (C) those who have considered and rejected Christianity.  Most of us here are in group C.  You’ve said some things that suggest you’re open to Christianity, that you haven’t really rejected it. That’s OK, it’s not a criticism, it just helps if we and you understand where you stand.  If you’re in group B and somewhat on the fence, I think it’s important that you figure out what you believe and don’t believe and why.  Otherwise a future with this man from Group A could be very difficult if you realize too late that you’re really not cut out to be a True Believer.  Sounds like he needs a partner who is fully Group A and being in Group B would not be enough.  

 

I don’t know if this helps at all, but I think you need to decide where you stand regarding Christianity before making a commitment to this man. 

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That’s a very good question. I’m definitely an A but the actual head fuck is that it’s not Christ Centered....It’s just about being good, trying to be a better person and knowing my values, being a positive ripple. Spiritual and not religious. The thing that is frustrating is that I have faith and pray and all that, just not to Jesus. 

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