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Goodbye Jesus

Dysfunctional Christian families are the worst...


dobokdude

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...not just because of the hypocrisy with all the hype about Christian values, but also because of how damaging it is in general. Most of us on this forum can attest to that, to varying degrees. I would say for me personally, I by no means had the worst DF experience(I had food, clothes, a decent roof over my head) but it sure as hell was far from a healthy environment, ESPECIALLY during my middle and high school years.

 

 


So let me give you a gist of my parents. My mom is early 50s, my dad being ~10 years her senior. Recently, my mom told me that around 6-9 months after they met, they married. Now while I'm not one with an abundance of life experience at 18, I feel that is far too soon for a relationship as it seems like rushing into things which would explain the problems they had. My mom is a registered nurse, which means she went to college and then medical school and even some more on top of that. My father on the other end is the opposite. He was a star ball player in high school but had the cliche of dropping out of college due to hurting himself. This means a significant gap in income and education which really played into lots of their arguments.

 

 


Now first thing is that we moved alot. While many people may do this for many reasons(military, job, etc) ours had to do with the aforementioned gap in income. Now to me, it seems it's ideal to have a partner who has a comparable education/income to yours (i.e. accountant and teacher, etc) because when it comes to raising a family and/or buying a house there would be more equal contribution and priorities. However, that obviously wasn't the case with my parents. Instead we moved various times throughout my life. It was one thing when I was a baby toddler but we could never hold down a solid home where me and my sister could grow up in. This had partly to do with my maternal grandmother selling all her mom's property tat we had here in California, but also the main thing was my mom not being able to handle the high mortgage/rent prices typical of my home state. But that's unfortunately the least of it.

 

 


My parents constantly bickered and argued. They seperated before but got back together when I was 7. Age 7 to 11 wasn't to bad, or at least was ''calmer'' than the other times I would cry in my closet at age 5-6 when they would fight. But things really hit there peak when we moved back to the bay after living away from there:

 

 


-My dad ordered porn on cable with my mom's name on the bill. I saw it because when I would watch TV On Demand I saw it under the Current Rentals list. I even found his secret stash when I was 9-10, TWICE. 1t time was a dvd cover with GRAPHIC content, the 2nd was an almost as graphic DVD disc.

 

 


-My mom and dad would be pushing and shoving on each other during arguments, even leaving some cracks in the wall due in the process.

-My dad  was REALLY shitty to me druing middle school(when he was around). Smacking me around a few times and even telling verbally disowning me on several occasions, as well as forcing me to play on my middle school's basketball team for a bit, threatening me if I didn't. He even made indirect(maybe direct) jabs at me having autism, since when I once told him to get out of our lives, he said I had no life since I often walked around by myself since something was wrong with me. He even said ''no girl would want you'' and during one confrontation, he grabbed my wrist hard. I tried to break out using a move I learned in my Taekwondo class, but he was so much stronger than me(and he's always been bulky) and he laughed saying he never liked me because I was weak. 

 

 

Eventually court ordered counseling for me and especially my sister and so on. Plus there was the time where after a fight with my mom, I pointed a soap filled water gun at him to spray him in the eyes but chickened out. Me and my mom got out of the car to leave, but then he walked to the passenger door, opened it, and grabbed my jacket so hard he broke the zipper. I bailed and ran all the way to the other side of our neighborhood, my mom calling my name. She picked me up from the other side but my dad followed us on the freeway for awhile. The next day, me and my sister stayed out of school and were hidden out at my old babysitter's house.

Once when having a really bad argument, my father commented on my mother's weight(she's borderline obese) saying:

 

 

>''I would never fuck you! You smell like shit, you don't wipe your ass! I told somebody once that when you shit you can't wipe yourself so you spray your ass with a waterbottle! 

 

 

Yes this is the shit I was used to hearing at 12-14 years old. Let's not forget how to spite my mother, he pushed me into a chair(and shoved me when I got up) and told me how my maternal grandpa who has Alzheimer's molested my mother as a little girl. Even if this is true(it may or not be, as my mom didn't deny it when I told her of the incident) who the hell tells that to their early teenage son?


Don't even get me started family trips. The simplest shit like directions escalated to another full blown fight between them. When I was turning 5 and we went to Disneyland for my birthday, we apparently almost got kicked out of the hotel because they were arguing so loud and the other guests complained. Once when going to this safari like theme park, they began their loud bickering to the point of almost just going home. I tried to intervene to tell them to stop but my father then angrily told me to ''shut the fuck up.''

 

 

 

I don't know why my mom stayed with my dad as long as she did. Especially since she claims he shoved my mother while she was pregnant with my sister apparently, and even my mom would scratch/hit him sometimes during fights. When I was 15(on my sister's birthday no less), it was alot closer to your typical abuse situation where he had been drinking, they started arguing and he got aggresive, shoving my mother and grasping her face and throat. My mom ended up crying so bad she had to pull over when driving to my sister's birthday gig at the ice cream parlor miles away(yes we still celebrated even with that little incident. 

 

 


In her own words at the times she was torn on getting my dad to leave since my sister was starting to have her suicidal thoughts which seemed linked to our dysfunctional family. We first noticed our sister cutting at 12 and throughout the years there was resentment towards our mom as my sister saw her as a source of blame for the state of our family.

Even after my folks divorced my mom's romance life is still shit. A while back she broke up with her boyfriend who had lived with us for almost two years and they fought WORST than my mom and dad did. It wasn't as often but put it like this: We had to replace a whole door in the guestroom downstairs because during one of their fights they SMASHED that thing to PIECES. We're talking chunks with some blood spatters on the wall. Then there's a spot on the upstairs wall we had to have fixed since he got mad and smashed my mom's phone against it once. Then he took my mom's clothes and threw them in the garage when he was mad with her. I think you get the idea.

Plus he already had a little 2 year old girl from a previous relationship with a woman~20 years younger, and thus baby momma drama ensured someone broke into our fucking garage because he had money hidden back in there. Now the garage door had been open(we sometimes do since we actually live in a good neighborhood), but someone had rummaged through the place, mostly through his stuff looking for the hidden cash and we were all sure it had been the mother of his two year old since someone would have to know he had the money. God forbid one of us went out to the garage when they were in there.

 

 


And now here we are. My dad is less of an asshole now and lives all the way in the Bay Area close to 100 miles from where we live now. He is helping a bit more since I'm in community college and working. As for my mom, she started dating another dude VERY soon after her break up with her ex, with him soon starting to spend the night and now she spends 2-3 days at his place a week. She says its because of her long work commute, we have a great aunt who lives near her commute route she would sometimes spend the night with so she wouldn't have to make that long drive. Heck, even a lady we rented a room out to awhile took notice of how much she started leaving us. Luckily I'm 18 and can take my sister places. I really feel like we picked up alot of our bad habits from our parents. Sibling rivalry is normal, but growing up in a dysfunctional environment meant we were shown the best ways to handle our disagreements. Plus all this does not help with my lack of friends, having Asperger's and feeling lonely and lost during my childhood and adolescence. I developed slower than my peers regret how cringe I was socially,plus years later finding out the truth of what my former ''best friend'' did. And it's hard to see other people have stable families and who's parents are true role models. I didn't have that, and it especially hurts how my years age 11-14 when I was transitioning from a kid to a teen my dad not only was any role model he did the complete opposite. Those experiences leave me with a sense of apathy towards my parents, self doubt and loathing, and yearning to have a family I wish I grew up in.

 

 

 

Butt now that I'm an open apostate, my mom still pushes for me to go to church, talking about not seeing me after this life and I was happier when Christian. True during middle school/early high school I was involved in quite a few church activities and such, because it was an escape from all the family bullshit. But despite all the Jesus talk, my parents could never be ''equally yoked'' or ''raise us upright''. And unfortunately being use to not having a solid family isn't uncommon among black here in America, so I may as well be part of another statistic.

 

 


So to my fellow apostates who are considering having a family, please for the sake of you, your partner/spouse and kids don't repeat my parents mistakes. And if you are an apostate who is a good parent, I salute you and am greatful that there are kids who don't have to go through what I had to.

 

 


TL;DR I witnessed and experienced firsthand the hypocrisy and damage of a ''God fearing'' family that maintains it's skeletons in the closet.

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Thank-you @dobokdude for sharing you story, it is so similar to mine that I cried after reading it.

 

The last few years of my marriage to a fundamentalist man has been unbearable. My deconversion impacted him badly, he would fly into rages, yelling and intimidating me and my atheist son (who has aspergers).

 

He bullied my son verbally, then began shoving him into walls if he argued back. My husband would then cry, apologise and promise to change. 

 

The climax came a couple of weeks ago when my husband grabbed my son by the throat and pinned him against the wall. This resulted in my son crying hysterically. 

 

I waited for him to leave the house then I packed up the kids and we fled to a hotel. We are still homeless but at least everyone is safe.

 

His priest has been in contact with me, urging me to reconcile, because everyone is capable of change. Because Jesus. I explained that I no longer belive in Christianity, but felt terribly guilty about breaking up our family.

 

You have helped to cement my decision to divorce, for the sake of my kids. I just want peace. My kids deserve nothing less.

 

I’m sorry you had a shitty childhood. It’s not fair. I hope you can find peace and stability.

 

Thanks again.

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@LostinParis

 

One thing you should consider doing is to have your future ex-husband move out of the house so you and your children can move back in.  I don't know what the domestic relations laws are in Australia, but here in the states any judge will order those living arrangements except in extreme cases because the welfare of the children come first.  I can't imagine the law in Australia is any different.

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17 hours ago, LostinParis said:

Thank-you @dobokdude for sharing you story, it is so similar to mine that I cried after reading it.

 

The last few years of my marriage to a fundamentalist man has been unbearable. My deconversion impacted him badly, he would fly into rages, yelling and intimidating me and my atheist son (who has aspergers).

 

He bullied my son verbally, then began shoving him into walls if he argued back. My husband would then cry, apologise and promise to change. 

 

The climax came a couple of weeks ago when my husband grabbed my son by the throat and pinned him against the wall. This resulted in my son crying hysterically. 

 

I waited for him to leave the house then I packed up the kids and we fled to a hotel. We are still homeless but at least everyone is safe.

 

His priest has been in contact with me, urging me to reconcile, because everyone is capable of change. Because Jesus. I explained that I no longer belive in Christianity, but felt terribly guilty about breaking up our family.

 

You have helped to cement my decision to divorce, for the sake of my kids. I just want peace. My kids deserve nothing less.

 

I’m sorry you had a shitty childhood. It’s not fair. I hope you can find peace and stability.

 

Thanks again.

Your very welcome. I'm glad I can at least use my experience to help others so they don't have to go through the same. How old is your son, if he is still middle/high school aged I implore you to have him be careful of the friends he has as well.

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Welcome to ExC dobokdude! Sometimes having a strong motivation to not do what you saw your parents do can work to help you create a better life for yourself. It will be a big challenge because we just naturally revert to what we saw growing up so you will need to be very careful and rely on your reason not your emotions as you create you own life separate from the very disfunctional lives of your parents. You have good ability to reason and are avoiding to many traps inherent in christianity; congratulations to you for that wise choice. At 18 you have your whole life ahead of you so you have plenty of time to make some good solid plans that can take you wherever you want to go. Attending community college sounds great. Keep us posted on your situation and consider joining in with us on encouraging others.

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  • 1 month later...

Welcome, @dobokdude! Sounds like your life is rife with rejection and alienation. For whatever it's worth I'd like to assure you that there are places that you do belong and that there are people who will accept you. You're making good choices and doing the best you can under the circumstances.  

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