ag_NO_stic Needs a Margee Hug

[Margee]

On 4/17/2019 at 6:47 PM, ag_NO_stic said:

 

 

 

On 4/17/2019 at 6:47 PM, ag_NO_stic said:

.

 

Y'all, my heart is so very heavy. Not because I have been swayed, but because I am very susceptible to guilt/shame ........

 

I am the kind of person who wants everyone to get along, everyone to be happy. Family is family. I try to be a good person and I want so badly to be openly accepted as their daughter-in-law.......

 

I'm sure they will be kind to me, but I feel they will never truly rejoice in our marriage as long as I am agnostic, it will be an elephant in the room.......

 

 

 

I have found for me that guilt is quite a good thing.  I look at the 'feeling' and ask myself if it is valid?  Guilt reminds me that I might have hurt someone with the way I have spoken or acted. That's when I change my behavior to try to become a better person. You have done nothing wrong just because you don't believe the same things as your in-laws.

 

Shame is when we hold on to the fact that we aren't good enough. Well, guess what? Humans aren't good all the time. We blow it. We make mistakes. We screw up. We fuck up somewhere just about every day. We don't share the same beliefs. So do not allow yourself to hold on to the shame because it's a totally useless emotion. Be yourself!! This is where your in-laws come in and you feeling like a piece of shit for something they believe and you don't. That's not your fault. You are allowed to be different and they should not be allowed to hold that over your head. You cannot change them. You can only change yourself and only you have the ability to change how they make you feel.

 

 Some may feel that I am a phony person. In a way, I am....but I like getting along with people. I do not like confrontation at all. (I am a natural born people pleaser myself)  But now I have the ability to smile and say hello and in my mind say 'fuck you'  at the same time! Lol ( One lesson I have learned in my life is that if you yourself don't really like someone, most of the time, they don't like you either.) But we can still be kind and that's what I try to do. Even at family gatherings, I have the ability to be nice to family members and I know deep inside, we really don't like each other a lot. And that's OK. Allow that elephant to be in the room. It will only be for a short time. Just time enough to get along with each other and then when they leave, you can have a nice feeling that you really tried. It's the best you can do. We all have different personalities and beliefs and sometimes, personalities clash. You can't make someone like you. Even if you believed in their religion, there would be something else you would do to try to do to be accepted by your in-laws. That's the people pleaser in you. You'll waste your whole life trying to get everyone's approval.

 

Only you and your husband can set the new boundaries of how you will allow anyone to act or treat you in your home. Talk this over with your husband. I have lost friends over some of the new rules I have for myself now. And then again, I have gained great respect from others and those are the people I like having in my life. It normally goes one way or the other when you clearly tell someone how you want to be treated. Just last week I had to tell one of my friends who is a bit of a bully and quite aggressive of something I couldn't accept. She wasn't happy with my assertiveness but she will respect me or go away. I'll leave that up to her because as I said, I am the one who looks after me now and I refuse to be bullied by anyone. It's not easy being assertive (when you're a softie) but each time you take care of yourself by speaking up (in a loving tone) it gets easier.

 

Do not put off being happy, even for the smallest thing. This is a daily challenge for most of us because we want everything to be perfect and it never will be. Something or someone will always be there to try and screw up your happiness. This is why you can never depend on people (anyone) to make you happy.  I hope by sharing some of my own struggles, this might help you in some small way. Take control and make your life what you want. It is not your job to try and change anyone.  You can always offer support but you cannot make someone change. It's a huge lesson in life. I have someone extremely close in my life right now who is practically killing himself and I cannot rescue him. I offered all the support in the world but he refused so there is nothing I can do now.

 

I hope so much you and your husband can reach a decision on how you are going to work this out with his parents. Stick to your guns, honey. If they leave and cannot accept you guys, there is nothing you can do. One thing that always helps me with my christian family and friends is to remember how brainwashed I was. This helps me to be a bit compassionate when dealing with them. 

 

I wish you the very best. Keep us posted on how it's going.

 

More hugs........Hundreds of them!

[Margee]

 

 

 

12 hours ago, florduh said:

But I ain't no Margee.

 

 

It was your 'kick in the ass' posts that helped me soooooo much, you'll never know. 

 

(hug) from the 'love-bug'...Lmao!

[Margee]

On 4/17/2019 at 11:22 PM, Joshpantera said:

 

This and other comments remind of one of the lesson points worked into the new Point Break film: 

 

 

The minute someone follows a path, it becomes their own path, their own choice. I didn't see clips that extend into the following section but those are the points made - if anyone has seen the film then they know what follows. The points are somewhat relevant to this thread. Utah kept wanting to blame himself for other peoples choices and Bodhi brought in a wider perspective. Johny Utah was finally able to let go and find peace of mind. 

 

Josh...I LOVE this sad analogy. It was their choice to ski this dangerous mountain. Very sad....but their choice.

[older]

Margee: You are the wisest and most insightful person on this site. You need to write a book: The Wisdom of Margee.

[Derek]

4 minutes ago, older said:

Margee: You are the wisest and most insightful person on this site. You need to write a book: The Wisdom of Margee.

Second

[MOHO]

The consensus is in , @Margee.

 

Get busy, young lady! 

 

[TruthSeeker0]

On 4/19/2019 at 7:48 AM, Margee said:

It was your 'kick in the ass' posts that helped me soooooo much, you'll never know. 

 

(hug) from the 'love-bug'...Lmao!

I really agree with this. When I joined I thought @florduh was a little harsh in his approach to dealing with xtians in some ways. But now, no I wouldn't have it any other way. 

[Margee]

On 4/19/2019 at 5:39 PM, MOHO said:

The consensus is in , @Margee.

 

Get busy, young lady! 

 

 

Awwww. You guys are all so sweet!! But the truth is I got all this 'wisdom' from reading all of the posts and advice from the members throughout the years and you guys are all part of that!!  You've all helped me so much! So we all need to write a book together!! Lets' do it! We'll call it, ''The Ex-c Book of Wisdom''!!  

 

Don't forget to eat some chocolate tomorrow!! Happy Bunny Day!! 

 

((hugs)) to every one of you! 

[older]

14 hours ago, Margee said:

Don't forget to eat some chocolate tomorrow!!

Hey, chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate comes from beans. Beans are a vegetable. Therefore chocolate is a vegetable. Eat your vegetables!

[ag_NO_stic]

Sorry for the delay, I run my own little side business I just recently started up and I don't always get a chance to stop back in as soon as I'd like. I love you all, thank you for your encouragement.

 

And Margee, as usual, thanks so much for your advice. It makes sense and is always so helpful. And your hugs *HUG*

[Derek]

On April 21, 2019 at 12:06 AM, Margee said:

 

Awwww. You guys are all so sweet!! 

Idk about the rest of these guys on here, but I have to admit...I am kinda sweet.

[Eowynesque]

I have no advice, just wanted to say that I feel for you. My family thinks that my husband and I are just really progressive christians who dont go to church and that is enough to distress them. Last year right around this time we had a nice little discussion/tearful pile on about my beliefs. I could feel the stress in my body afterward for weeks. I can't stand the thought that they are up at night worrying/crying/praying. Fucking doctrine of hell. I know that they are responsible for their beliefs but it doesn't change the fact that I hate that they're hurting. It's even harder because they are genuinely good people, good parents and we enjoy each other's company. And I hate that I can't yet bring myself to be honest with them because I know how hurt they will be. I know it's not my fault AND I feel bad anyway because I love them. I'm putting off discussing my child rearing with them for a long as possible. 

[TruthSeeker0]

2 hours ago, Eowynesque said:

I have no advice, just wanted to say that I feel for you. My family thinks that my husband and I are just really progressive christians who dont go to church and that is enough to distress them. Last year right around this time we had a nice little discussion/tearful pile on about my beliefs. I could feel the stress in my body afterward for weeks. I can't stand the thought that they are up at night worrying/crying/praying. Fucking doctrine of hell. I know that they are responsible for their beliefs but it doesn't change the fact that I hate that they're hurting. It's even harder because they are genuinely good people, good parents and we enjoy each other's company. And I hate that I can't yet bring myself to be honest with them because I know how hurt they will be. I know it's not my fault AND I feel bad anyway because I love them. I'm putting off discussing my child rearing with them for a long as possible. 

Why do you need to discuss it? Is it necessary for them to know?

[Eowynesque]

1 hour ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

Why do you need to discuss it? Is it necessary for them to know?

 

They watch my kids once a week so it will come up. Realistically some topics just aren't avoidable

[older]

2 hours ago, Eowynesque said:

Realistically some topics just aren't avoidable

Are you sure about that? It takes two to have a conversation. You have already had one that left some participants in tears. You can just say that you've already had this conversation and it didn't end well and you are not going to re-visit the topic. Be calm and smile when you say that. If they persist, calmly repeat your statement. Do it multiple times if necessary, and if that doesn't work, calmly and quietly get up and leave the room.

[Eowynesque]

10 minutes ago, older said:

Are you sure about that? It takes two to have a conversation. You have already had one that left some participants in tears. You can just say that you've already had this conversation and it didn't end well and you are not going to re-visit the topic. Be calm and smile when you say that. If they persist, calmly repeat your statement. Do it multiple times if necessary, and if that doesn't work, calmly and quietly get up and leave the room.

That works for some topics except, for example, the topic of i dont want bible stories read to my kids before bed. But I do see your point 

[older]

17 minutes ago, Eowynesque said:

i dont want bible stories read to my kids before bed.

"I have asked you to not read Bible stories to my kids before bed. If you cannot abide by my wishes then the children will not be coming over."

[Eowynesque]

1 hour ago, older said:

"I have asked you to not read Bible stories to my kids before bed. If you cannot abide by my wishes then the children will not be coming over."

 

What I mean to say is this topic hasn't even come up yet because my kids are too young, but it will and when it does it will out me so to speak. I'm just not ready for that yet...although I'm closer to being ready than I was a year ago so that's progress. Anyway, I dont want to make ag_NO_stic's thread about me, but I appreciate the advice

[TruthSeeker0]

7 hours ago, Eowynesque said:

 

What I mean to say is this topic hasn't even come up yet because my kids are too young, but it will and when it does it will out me so to speak. I'm just not ready for that yet...although I'm closer to being ready than I was a year ago so that's progress. Anyway, I dont want to make ag_NO_stic's thread about me, but I appreciate the advice

I understand. One of the hardest things for me was establishing clear boundaries that I knew would hurt people. But I had to do it. Boundary violations in my ex church are sone of the main ways of controlling people and are taught as church teaching ie "if you see your brother erring go rebuke them". As a result those in my family in the church constantly try to violate personal boundaries and wishes because they think it's acceptable. 

[older]

OTOH, looking to the future, if it's limited to a Bible story before bed once a week, you'd have to decide if it's worth making an issue of. ("Gramma and Grampa believe in fairy tales, but we don't.") But if it's serious proselytizing, then you would have an issue.