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shydelight

From hippie, to jesusfreak, to... ?

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Hi everyone. I am really hesitant about writing here but really need to hear words from someone else than my christian family as my mental health now is declining.
 

This could be long, but I'll try to keep it short . I was raised in Sweden. Still live here, only now I am almost 30 and married with a christian man and we have 1 child.
My parents were christians and went to a pentecostal church, when I was 8 they divorced. My mother was so sick of life she wanted to commit suicide. She was
ignored by the church, and "lost" her faith in the "churchGod". What she defines as now I don't know, but she resents going to meetings and her new husband is an agnostic/atheist.

I had a short period in my life during 15-17 when I really didn't give a shit about God (somehow still believed in it though) and I was "rebelling". I tried drugs, had sex, cussed (!!!!) but I was also experiencing mental illness such as depression and self harm.

I was really a hippie and experimented with magic mushrooms. One day I went - tripping - to a christian metal concert and "met Jesus" and somehow (can't believe this is my life as I am typing - sounds like a shit novel) it stuck to me and I became a "REAL CHRISTIAN" again and was baptised.... I lost many friends due to me being an ass (total jesusfreak). Today I have none.

Well, my life with "god" has been shit. Totally saturated with guilt and hate. I went as a volunteer to Asia with a missionary and spent almost 3 months there just because I thought God wanted me there. I was desperate for a prayer answered or SOMETHING.

Then I was hit by a psychosis and was hospitalized for some time.
I met my husband when I was recovering from my psychosis. I don't have anything bad to say about him - he loves me and has never intentionally hurt me (unlike some men have before).

We married, I got pregnant, - was hit by a giant psychosis while pregnant. 4 people had to hold me down and force medication into me. Wasn't that funny, though I don't really  remember much.

I am still at home 2 years later, can't work or anything. I am on medication for my mental illness and am currently suffering from a really nasty depression... as I this winter discovered that I had lost my faith in Jesus as the son of God. It just hit me.

I try to stay positive but it feels like hell (haha) as I can't talk as freely about my thoughts on life with my husband. We have discussed divorce but I cry at the mere thought of losing him.


Any tips on... anything? Thoughts? I struggle with thoughts of suicide as hell doesn't scare me from doing it anymore, but still, I love my son and have dreams of one day having the love of my life as close to me as he was when we were newly wed. We have been married for only 4 years but known eachother before that. I just know that I love him and divorce is not the solution to my problem with the sadness I am feeling right now. I try to keep living but yeah, am sick of all the "i'll pray for you"-mentality that surrounds me...

 

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Maybe I should also try to explain my current biggest problem... He thinks I am going to hell, and has told me so. He is not yelling at me, but defends every christian who has freakishly told me shit like "darkness is toying with you" or that I am struggling with dark powers ...

I am so impatient. I just want him to leave christianity like I have done, maybe that is selfish but I just think that it holds people back from really living life as we are able to do - without the thought of SIN and punishment. Forgiveness, isn't even necessary - coming from a fake God...

I just feel the hopelessness and anger stirring as I write. Shit, I feel like numbing my emotions with drugs but that wouldn't exactly make everything OKAY.

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People with fundamentalist beliefs can be toxic when it comes to mental illness, because they see it as demon-possession, or "the dark side" trying to get you. It is neither; it's a misfiring in the brain that can be controlled with medication and therapy to deal with the very real trauma that comes from frightening psychotic episodes. Have you reached out to your doctor? Sometimes suicidal ideas can be side effects of some medications and you might need to try a different medication. Or, perhaps your anti-depressant isn't working as well as it needs to and you need a new dosage or type.

 

Whatever you do, don't give up hope. See your doctor, talk to a therapist, talk to us. You can work through this.

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@shydelight,

 

Talk to your therapist and tell him/her about your thoughts.

 

Although we can listen we are not psychologists and are not in the profession. Please consult your therapist and, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please make use of a hotline at your earliest convenience. 

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Thanks for your replies.<3

I am seeing a therapist but we haven't actually made any progress in the "faith area" since she just doesn't seem to enjoy that topic. I don't think she is a believer, though.
But I believe that alot of my depression I am experiencing right now comes from losing faith in the christian belief system, it's like the death of someone close to you...
I haven't really figured everything out yet - how to relate to life in general. I would like to say I am an atheist, maybe I am. At least that is what I say to my christian relatives whenever the question pops up.

I am quite certain I will not make reality of my suicidal thoughts, however, it hits me hard sometimes how strong the thoughts can be.



 

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We all went through some tough times after throwing off the insane confines of harmful religion. Let me tell you IT GETS BETTER!

 

Soon!

 

The more you study, read extimonies, and let you mind chew on being out of the fold the happier you will be. And just because you eschewed Christianity does not mean you cannot believe in something out there in the cosmos or another dimension. You don't HAVE to be an atheist. I am...but that's me.

 

Hang in there. Read some Dawkins, some Winnell, some Ehrman, some Hitchens, some Carrier. There's some good content on this site, aslo, that will ease your mind. 

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

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2 hours ago, shydelight said:

I am seeing a therapist but we haven't actually made any progress in the "faith area" since she just doesn't seem to enjoy that topic

 

It sounds like you may need a new therapist. Her likes or dislikes aren't why you are seeing her, as if you were her therapist. You need to be able to unload the tremendous emotional pressure that comes from both the religion (and the people who think it is real) and the stress of your own imbalanced chemistry. 

 

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So sorry to here all these sad and frieghtening thought and feelings you are having shydelight. Sweden! It is the last place I would think of to be having to deal with the Christian cult but there you are. First off I like dealing with things one at a time. In your case I think that is this depression. Why not leave concerns about where the marriage is going on the back burner for now and try to resolve the major disruption in your life, depression. I agree with Fuego that your therapist needs to address anything you feel like addressing or you need to move on to someone else. You don't need to be thinking about how your therapist feels about discussing any topic. You absolutely should read Marlene Winells book Leaving to Fold as it will help you understand how very psychologically damaging the Christian cult can be and help you find ways to cope with that damage. You're a very bright person and we need you so do hang in there with us. As MOHO said much better things are comming for you once you get the depression under control. If your husband says disturbing things to you maybe try to get him to back off by pointing out that these other issues are too much for you right now and that you need to focus on recovery from your depression that after you acomplish that you can discuss those religious concerns. I would think you could have better luck finding a non believing friend or two in Sweden than in many other countries so maybe you could join some Meetup (or similar) with people who have a shared interest and then only hang with non believers. Definitely stay with us for a while and maybe comment here and there. Marlene will do Skype and other things that don't involve travel so don't hesitate to contact her if you want to discuss anything in her area of expertise. Very glad to have you here! 

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Thank you so much,

I have just ordered Marlenes book and will read it as soon as I can..
 

I am currently reading through Dawkins book The God delusion and I find it quite hard to understand sometimes, since english isn't my own language, but the passages I understand are quite comforting.

Seriously. Thank you.

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Everything became chaotic in my head so I am at the psychiatric ward right now.

 

I have anxiety

 I throw up.

My legs feel numb. 

I try to talk to the staff about my experience with christianity .. but I am afraid that I will get preached at by those who themselves are religious (it sort  of happened a few days ago).

 

I am numb - yet afraid that I will slip back into "the fold". Before , when i was a christian, it felt like everyone else was having this meaningless lifes and were just like props in a play. Now it is hard to trust them. But I understand that a lot has to do with my perception of reality.... 

 

May I curse please?

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You're in the right place to get the help you need. Hang in there!

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On 5/20/2019 at 2:00 AM, shydelight said:

Everything became chaotic in my head so I am at the psychiatric ward right now.

 

I have anxiety

 I throw up.

My legs feel numb. 

I try to talk to the staff about my experience with christianity .. but I am afraid that I will get preached at by those who themselves are religious (it sort  of happened a few days ago).

 

I am numb - yet afraid that I will slip back into "the fold". Before , when i was a christian, it felt like everyone else was having this meaningless lifes and were just like props in a play. Now it is hard to trust them. But I understand that a lot has to do with my perception of reality.... 

 

May I curse please?

 

Hang in there, sweetheart. Take a deep breath. A lot of us when we arrived here at Ex-c were so confused, we didn't know which way to turn. You have been through a lot. You need time to sort things out. If I were you (while I was in the hospital) I would read as much on this site in the ''Testimonies'' and ''Ex-Christian life'' as you can and you will soon see how many of us have handled the different traumas and problems in our lives. And you will also see the problems with our believing christian family and friends and how we are handling it. You need to see that you are not alone. Just read and don't try to figure it all out right now.

 

All you need to do right now is let the hospital stabilize you. Then you can begin to sort things out when you are feeling better. Don't try to 'fix' anything right now. Don't try to convince anyone right now of why you have become a non-believer. Come back here when you get out and post, post, post all your feelings and fears. Most of us can relate. You are not alone. Get healthy for your son. Get healthy for you

 

Non-believers are a minority and we are generally out-numbered by believers everywhere. So don't fret. You are not alone in this!! The number of non-believers is growing every day. New members arrive here all the time in such confusion. ( I was one of them)  So don't try to convince anyone of anything. (unless you can find a non-believer therapist in the hospital) Stay as calm as you can and come back here and we might be able to help you sort things out. Don't even try to convince your husband of anything right now. Breathe honey. 

 

  Losing your faith is like a death. It was for me also. You are grieving many things right now. You are grieving the loss of your god and that can be scary. I couldn't imagine what life would be without a god?? I had to go through a huge grieving period before I could get my head together completely. I personally made many mistakes when I was a christian and I had to grieve all of that also. But I stayed with this site for several years now... and now religion has lost its power over me and I live a functional life. More functional than I have ever been in my life. And I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made during the time I was a christian.  

 

Some struggle for a while and some come through it fairly easy. You keep reading. Stay away from anything that will confuse you more. We here at Ex-c understand most of what you are going through. So hang tight and get better. Rest your weary mind for a while.

 

I give you the biggest hug in the world today. ((hug))

P.S...... and yes....you may curse all you want!! 

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Being affected somewhat by mental illness I should tell to have skepticism in regards to psychiatry and those kind of medicatio . It is not, actually, that clear what is or what causes mental illness, actually, despite those scientific sounding names. It is a little science mysticism over there. I am not saying medication does not help, but how and why is a big question. Do read up on mental ilness, from different perspectives, secular and religious, modern and ancient. I have gone to therapists snd psychiatrists and priests to know that there is no group where all people are the best. Beware of the aura of expertise these people have. A good read is Besser van der Kolk, Peter Levine and some of Franz Ruppert and the constellation method. There numerous therapies to deal with anxiety, like emdr, somatic experiencing, 5 elements acupuncture and craniosacral therapies. I have personally tested these and they work. Bear in mind that most mental ilnesses are a combination of psychic and anatomic interrelated elements, not just some receptors in the brain. Sometimes leaky gut can cause brain intoxication. I was told this by a certified medical doctor and experienced nutritionist. I am not saying reject conventional psychiatry, just do not instantly believe what they say and diagnose you with. As you will see if you read what I sent, the major cause of psychic ilness is psychological trauma, which can cause anything from ulcers to cancer to severe mental breakdowns. Of course medication can be part of the treatment plan, but not solely and not necessarily. 

 

Furthemore, regarding the hell part, this could be a temporary band aid, but there was and is a tradition of universalism, universal salvation so no eternal hell. Search Illaria Ramelli and st isaac the syrian the newly discovered volumes. 

 

And have peace knowing that, if a wise loving God does exist, he appreciates honest inquiry a lot more that blind attachment out of fear.

 

Confusion, fear, anger, grieving, are natural reactions to overwhelming circumstances.

 

An ever loving being cannot have , i repeat, cannot have created you only to burn in the fiery pits of hell. As sai t isaac puts it, that is below even  a virtous man. 

 

And, one thing remains the same. We are, in this life, before an inconceivable mystery that leaves everyone seeing this world speechless. You call that God or Nature, or anything, it does surpass human understanding and seems meaningless, empty as the easterners would say. But that emptiness is actually the fulness of life unhindered by human concepts.

 

And in the end , I could recommend albert camus sisiphus about absurdity and suicide. While I do not agree with him now, his frankness in dealing directly with absurdity as an overwhelming feeling was breathtaking. 

 

 You can take refuge in the awareness, in simple existence. Like you are maybe in the dark and afraid, but darkness and fear exist and you exist to be able to feel them. 

 

And although it seems and it is bleak, shedding illusions is a great thing. You don t need a constructed identity. What am i ? I am is enough, I personally feel.

 

Take whatever feels useful from what I said and discard the rest. I really wish you well.

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