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RealityCheck

Witnessing death, the passing of my father

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My father passed away Friday evening.  He started breathing heavily and passed out on the couch not breathing and without a pulse.  Emergency services had me doing CPR on him while the paramedics arrived but my efforts and theirs were in vain.  In a very short span of time I saw him embrace oblivion, which perhaps is the only mercy this indifferent universe gives us in the end since he was constantly in pain the last few years.  There is no comfort of seeing him again, I do not subscribe to ideas that consciousness transcends our brains nor will I delude myself due to the current situation.  Also, it's not the dead that trouble me at the moment but the living.  My brothers are nowhere to be found, they'll only find out about our father's passing the next time they show up wanting something.  I don't feel compelled to track them down as they couldn't be bothered when he was in the hospital multiple times.  My mother is too hysterical to deal with the aftermath of the situation.  Both of them were irresponsible financially and did not prepare for this situation thus the costs and burden of the funeral home will fall solely on me.  I can't even afford to stop and feel anything at the moment.

We're just a sliver of consciousness in an infinite void of oblivion that extends before our birth to the beginning of the universe and after our demise to the heat death of the cosmos.  We waste that sliver on mostly meaningless garbage, be it religion, politics, or some other worthless pursuit.  We can't just be direct and say what we mean, we carry things unsaid to our death beds.  At least the void of nothingness will wash us of our regrets in the end...

 

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I’m sorry for your loss and the difficult situation you are now facing. We lost our DIL to cancer a year ago next month. Our family is still mourning her loss. The separation from those we love is the most difficult aspect of death, even though we know our loved ones suffering has ended. :(

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It's sad, losing someone close to you. A number of years ago I, too, watched my father pass on. He died from cancer. He staunchly believed that he was going to heaven right to the very end...I guess it made ordeal of facing death a little easier for him.

Sympathies to you for your loss :(

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I’m sorry for your loss, RC. I’m glad your dad is no longer in pain.  I wish you well. 

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RealityCheck, I am sorry for your loss. 

I remember when my father had a stroke. He was in India and I was here in the US. I took an emergency vacation that my manager was gracious enough to grant. Told my manager I wasn't sure when I would be back.

 

I spent every night of two weeks at the hospital where my dad was. He was the strongest person (mentally, emotionally, with a never-give up attitude) that I knew. And here he was now, like a baby, who couldn't talk or move or even recognize anyone. It broke me and was a tough time. I kept hoping that he would recover at least partially. But that never happened.I don't remember praying...or maybe I did. But it did not work. And I am ok with it. I just have memories now. And regrets that he could have spent more time with us when I was growing up. Instead he immersed himself in work.

Maybe it was his way of coping with the other mental illnesses we had going on in our family.

Anyways I am digressing now.

 

You will never be able to see your father again. All you will have is memories. And with time you will heal and make the best of the life you have. Hugs to you.

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3 hours ago, RealityCheck said:

we carry things unsaid to our death beds. 

 

So sorry for your loss and the reflective pain and emotions you are going through.  I lost my last parent and my last sibling 14 years ago when I was 45.  I can honestly assure you that timing passing helps.

 

Regard the things we carry, it is a awful choice that soooo many folks choose.  Adding "things undone"; we all can effort to uncarry these burdens.  I have been working hard on this.  Now my carry list is very small.  

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I'll be rather blunt with everyone, the death was a horrible one to witness.  I don't think I'll ever be the same after this, no way in hell.  I feel rather sick to my stomach as I relive everything in my mind over and over.  Yes, loved ones have passed away before but I've never seen it in person...and especially not like this.

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1 hour ago, RealityCheck said:

I'll be rather blunt with everyone, the death was a horrible one to witness.  I don't think I'll ever be the same after this, no way in hell.  I feel rather sick to my stomach as I relive everything in my mind over and over.  Yes, loved ones have passed away before but I've never seen it in person...and especially not like this.

 

Sorry to hear it, RC. 

 

You seem to be taking very logically and rationally though. 

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Sorry about your loss.

 

When our son died we learned that there is grief and there is also trauma. You are most likely experiencing both. It will take a couple of weeks for the panic attacks to subside, and when you are ready you might seek out a bereavement group through a local hospice or similar secular organization. We found that to be of great help.

 

Dump your pain here as often and as much as you wish.

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The burden of dealing with the aftermath falls solely on me.  My brothers are nowhere to be found and unreachable, they'll likely only find out our father passed when they show up 6 months down the road wanting something again.  I don't particular feel compelled to try again as they couldn't be bothered the countless times my dad was in the hospital over the last few years.  My mother is not in a place mentally to deal with much right now, she lacks the emotional fortitude that I have.  The funeral home and their sleazy sales pitch they're tossing at me is making me lose my shit.  My father wanted a simple cremation and service and nothing more, the costs of course are going to fall entirely on me.

 

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10 hours ago, Joshpantera said:

 

Sorry to hear it, RC. 

 

You seem to be taking very logically and rationally though. 

My logic and rationality is all I have at the moment, I try to hold on to it the best I can despite how dire the situation gets.  If you don't, the world is full of predators that will use your own emotions and irrationality to devour you.  This is a life lesson that took me years to learn the hard way.  

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1 hour ago, RealityCheck said:

My logic and rationality is all I have at the moment, I try to hold on to it the best I can despite how dire the situation gets.  If you don't, the world is full of predators that will use your own emotions and irrationality to devour you.  This is a life lesson that took me years to learn the hard way.  

 

Yes it is. I'm glad you're staying on top of it. The world is full of predators looking for opportunities to devour. 

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I am so very sorry to hear about your dad R.C. How brave of you to stay and be with him to the very end. I'm sure he felt your presence. As hard as this was, you didn't leave him by himself. You can always be proud of that.

 

You may need some trauma councilling to cope. I took advantage of any groups in my town when I lost my closest loved ones (mom, dad, and sister) and it really did help. I hope you find something that will bring you some comfort. 

 

I give you the biggest hug tonight cause I know how hard this is. We are here for you sweetie.

 

((hug))

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On 5/12/2019 at 10:50 PM, RealityCheck said:

I'll be rather blunt with everyone, the death was a horrible one to witness.  I don't think I'll ever be the same after this, no way in hell.  I feel rather sick to my stomach as I relive everything in my mind over and over.  Yes, loved ones have passed away before but I've never seen it in person...and especially not like this.

 

I was there beside my best friend when they 'pulled the plug''. I thought I was going to faint. I've never seen anything like that before.

 

The grief counselor I went to told me I had to get the healthy image of her back in my ''memory bank'' again. So she suggested that I get out all of her pictures of when she was healthy and happy and stared at them for weeks. When I got in bed at night, I  also started to count backward from 100 (recommended by this grief counselor) and every time the terrible image came to mind, I had to start all over again counting until I fell asleep. This may help you also when the stress of the days ahead plague you. Do some deep breathing as you count backward.

 

My brain literally 'takes pictures' of terrible things and I have a very hard time letting go of the memory. I do this as I'm falling asleep to this very day when an obsessive thought or picture comes into my mind. Give it a try and see if helps just a little.

 

(hug) 

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Well, now comes the memorial service and the inevitable religious bullshit that's going to be spewed forth.  I might just lose my shit if that happens. 

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Just now, RealityCheck said:

Well, now comes the memorial service and the inevitable religious bullshit that's going to be spewed forth.  I might just lose my shit if that happens. 

R.C. Let them have it. Just try to breathe at this point. Just stay calm. Put earplugs in. Put on your phony smile and shake a few hands. You'll look mature. Go somewhere later (come here and rant your guts out) and scream. You can't change them.  These services are all the same. In a few days, it will all be over with and you won't have to listen the bullshit any longer and you'll have presented yourself like the fine man you are... Sometimes hun, silence is golden. You can do this. You got this. We're here for you.

 

((hug))

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20 minutes ago, RealityCheck said:

Well, now comes the memorial service and the inevitable religious bullshit that's going to be spewed forth.  I might just lose my shit if that happens. 

Keep in mind that your nervous system contains many features and abilities, one of which is the ability of feel grief, loss, sadness, among other similar emotions.  I submit that there is nothing wrong with allowing your body to create them, for you to experience them and for you to process them over time. 

 

As to other family members' need to cast events and feelings in a religious context, that is their requirement.  Let them have their space to process their emotions.

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1 hour ago, Margee said:

These services are all the same. In a few days, it will all be over with and you won't have to listen the bullshit any longer and you'll have presented yourself like the fine man you are... Sometimes hun, silence is golden. You can do this. You got this. We're here for you.

Margee is right, R.C. Everyone grieves in a different way; let 'em do the Jesus shit if they need it while you think of other things. Sit near the back or a side door so you can leave if it gets to the point where you can't handle it. No one there would criticize you if you stepped out. (And you don't have to care if they did.)

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I agree that you may just have to grin and bear it for just a little while. I sat through several funeral services with teeth clenched...luckily I have an understanding Mrs. who doesn't mind me venting (after the service, of course).

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I think you guys might need a bit more context to my statement.  I don't mind something like "we'll pray for your family" and whatnot, I know they mean well.  I also know that people cope in different ways.  However, I'm referring to what happened when my grandfather passed.  The service was supposed to be about recalling his life and the impact he had on others.  Some jackass, who wasn't even family decided to hijack the service and give what was for all intents and purposes a sermon.  I think he came in there with an agenda, to target emotionally vulnerable people and give them the "good news".  Yeah, I'm not going to tolerate that this time.

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Furthermore, my father despised religion, he was marginally catholic in is earlier days but then realized the absurdity of it all.  He also saw enough of the world to realize that there is no god watching us.  I know that he sighed in relief when I deconverted, happy that I left such absurdity behind.  It would be a disgrace if there is another wannabe preacher in the service again.

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At my father's funeral service, the preacher extended a very public  invitation to myself and my then heathen brother to approach the altar...in front of about 300 people. I felt like crawling underneath the floorboards, just to get out of sight. So, yes...I get it.

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9 minutes ago, Derek said:

At my father's funeral service, the preacher extended a very public  invitation to myself and my then heathen brother to approach the altar...in front of about 300 people. I felt like crawling underneath the floorboards, just to get out of sight. So, yes...I get it.


I remember when I was in a young adult prayer group.  One of the guy's mother suddenly passed away and the pastor was formulating a strategy to witness to people in such a situation.  I understand that some of these people are insatiable and have no shame whatsoever.  Therefore I have to keep a close eye on the entire thing for such problematic individuals, the good news is that most of my father's friends aren't particularly religious.  However, I don't want a repeat performance of my grandfather's service.

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No more tolerating these creeps.  You are paying the freight for this service.  Stop them onsentence one or two, and escort them out of the room.  No discussion.  Make them go.

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On 5/12/2019 at 10:53 PM, RealityCheck said:

My father passed away Friday evening.  He started breathing heavily and passed out on the couch not breathing and without a pulse.  Emergency services had me doing CPR on him while the paramedics arrived but my efforts and theirs were in vain.  In a very short span of time I saw him embrace oblivion, which perhaps is the only mercy this indifferent universe gives us in the end since he was constantly in pain the last few years.  There is no comfort of seeing him again, I do not subscribe to ideas that consciousness transcends our brains nor will I delude myself due to the current situation.  Also, it's not the dead that trouble me at the moment but the living.  My brothers are nowhere to be found, they'll only find out about our father's passing the next time they show up wanting something.  I don't feel compelled to track them down as they couldn't be bothered when he was in the hospital multiple times.  My mother is too hysterical to deal with the aftermath of the situation.  Both of them were irresponsible financially and did not prepare for this situation thus the costs and burden of the funeral home will fall solely on me.  I can't even afford to stop and feel anything at the moment.

We're just a sliver of consciousness in an infinite void of oblivion that extends before our birth to the beginning of the universe and after our demise to the heat death of the cosmos.  We waste that sliver on mostly meaningless garbage, be it religion, politics, or some other worthless pursuit.  We can't just be direct and say what we mean, we carry things unsaid to our death beds.  At least the void of nothingness will wash us of our regrets in the end...

 

We can not say

What we do not know

That in time and space

The universe

Just might fold in on itself

Back to the singularity it once was

And kaboom!

Everything begins again

But who knows

Maybe we will all return again

In the same way

And then get to choose

Something else to learn.

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