Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Myrkhoos

Fear of what others will think of me

Recommended Posts

Well, this might be something from childhood, but in the church the perfectionism and falsity I had to go through and still do tome extant was truly exhuasting. Always be bearing, patient, kind, etc, always being ideal, and always having to say I am the worst. I have a profound people pleasing stuff goung one, and I am horrified of rejection. Even here, saying what I think about some issues, what I feel sends out a death signal in my soul, like STOP STOP; PRENTEND everything is ok when it is not at all. No help from the community,, i am exaggerating but little helpt for th excruciating anxiety and pressure to satisfy the leaders and the almighty god figure. The always be pleasing to God stuff, be pleasing to God, God has to be pleased, God has to like you, got hates sin, you are sinner, so god hates you but he loves you and you drink the blood of a a god man in the form of magic bread and wine. Again, things might be other than this, but this is the image I was confronted to, not some mystical higher interpretation. Now seeing a priest or any kind of contact with christianity, only that thought seems terryfing and I feel the dread in my whole body. Promised eternal love and got PTSD. A fair deal, amirite? 

         And even the idea of offeding or displeasing anyone, especially my parents or priests seems gruesome to me. So much fear bottled up, on top of enourmours rage and grief.I just to cry repeatdly How could this have happened?

  • Like 1
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What you communicate here seems like a fairly normal reaction to realizing you have been in a cult and have been lied to for years. I base this assessment on your claim of exaggerating. Your post seems like kind of a rant were you are "getting it out of your system". 

 

This is good.

 

But, at some point it might help for you to sit down and more clearly record your thoughts a feelings - then reread them a few times, make adjustments, and post again. This can be a good catharsis and will likely result in more helpful replies here. 

 

Of course, we are not psychiatrists  and are not a substitute for professionals. We can, however, offer a little comfort and encouragement in your journey. 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Myrkhoos said:

And even the idea of offeding or displeasing anyone, especially my parents or priests seems gruesome to me.

As I often tell the younger guys, you may not believe me but I guarantee the day will come when you don't give a shit about what others think, and you will also have occasion to sit on your own balls.

 

Believe it or not. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 3
  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, florduh said:

As I often tell the younger guys, you may not believe me but I guarantee the day will come when you don't give a shit about what others think, and you will also have occasion to sit on your own balls.

 

Believe it or not. 

Yes.  And the quicker you get  completely this point, the more content happy years you will have.  Don't recommend following my example by waiting until you are 50.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2019 at 8:45 PM, Myrkhoos said:

Well, this might be something from childhood, but in the church the perfectionism and falsity I had to go through and still do tome extant was truly exhuasting. Always be bearing, patient, kind, etc, always being ideal, and always having to say I am the worst. I have a profound people pleasing stuff goung one, and I am horrified of rejection. Even here, saying what I think about some issues, what I feel sends out a death signal in my soul, like STOP STOP; PRENTEND everything is ok when it is not at all. No help from the community,, i am exaggerating but little helpt for th excruciating anxiety and pressure to satisfy the leaders and the almighty god figure. The always be pleasing to God stuff, be pleasing to God, God has to be pleased, God has to like you, got hates sin, you are sinner, so god hates you but he loves you and you drink the blood of a a god man in the form of magic bread and wine. Again, things might be other than this, but this is the image I was confronted to, not some mystical higher interpretation. Now seeing a priest or any kind of contact with christianity, only that thought seems terryfing and I feel the dread in my whole body. Promised eternal love and got PTSD. A fair deal, amirite? 

         And even the idea of offeding or displeasing anyone, especially my parents or priests seems gruesome to me. So much fear bottled up, on top of enourmours rage and grief.I just to cry repeatdly How could this have happened?

As awful as you feel now, just remember that if you were actually swallowed up by the Christian belief system, you'd be a whole lot more messed up in that hysteria than you are now.

 

So keep being you.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Discovering that I was living a lie, both the lie I was told about religion and the lie I told myself (that I belonged there), coincided with, and actually forced, the revelation of ugly truths about me, and the desperate things I did to feel sane while trapped in religion.

 

I may very well have lost my marriage and my family for good, but even if I could have them back instantly, in trade for believing the lie of religion again, I'd never make the trade.

 

Let whatever in your life get torn down, destroyed, irredeemably taken away - don't risk your sanity, your health, your future, on caring what people think, or what an imaginary god thinks, insofar as they believe that religion is necessary to your identity.

 

What is believed without evidence may be dismissed without evidence, and should be, no matter the cost.

 

I wish you the best.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2019 at 11:49 AM, florduh said:

As I often tell the younger guys, you may not believe me but I guarantee the day will come when you don't give a shit about what others think, and you will also have occasion to sit on your own balls.

 

Believe it or not. 

 

Thanks for the tips, turned 30 this year... still not there. 🙂

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2019 at 6:45 AM, Myrkhoos said:

I have a profound people pleasing stuff goung one, and I am horrified of rejection.

Oh man, I feel you. I keep getting into unhealthy dynamics with my bosses or other authority figures doubling back trying to please them by meeting even their unspoken expectations. This of course doesn't work because I end up expending too much energy and feeling like I'm falling short anyways. We shouldn't be expected to be perfect or to read people's minds for them. I'm still trying to unlearn that. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2019 at 11:49 AM, florduh said:

As I often tell the younger guys, you may not believe me but I guarantee the day will come when you don't give a shit about what others think,

 

I've mentioned in other threads here the value of assertion training. Not giving a shit about what others think is a part of that. Here's a link to the Bill of Assertive Rights: https://www.mhankyswoh.org/Uploads/files/pdfs/Assertiveness-AssertiveRights_20130813.pdf 

 

There's lots about this on the web but in-person sessions are worthwhile. 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/4/2019 at 9:46 PM, older said:

 

I've mentioned in other threads here the value of assertion training. Not giving a shit about what others think is a part of that. Here's a link to the Bill of Assertive Rights: https://www.mhankyswoh.org/Uploads/files/pdfs/Assertiveness-AssertiveRights_20130813.pdf 

 

There's lots about this on the web but in-person sessions are worthwhile. 

Do you have any other resources? This has been a really big struggle for me, and that document looks like something that would help if I could just internalize it. I’m not getting much on ye olde google, but I might be searching the wrong term. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/17/2019 at 6:28 PM, WillT said:

Do you have any other resources? This has been a really big struggle for me, and that document looks like something that would help if I could just internalize it. I’m not getting much on ye olde google, but I might be searching the wrong term. 

 

Will:

 

As to search terms, try "assertiveness," "assertive rights," and "assertion training."

While the net will give you an overview of assertive rights, the best way to gain skill and understanding is in an in-person group setting where you can discuss and practice the ideas and techniques. You'll have to research what's available locally for that; your primary care physician would be one place to get a referral from.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2019 at 7:45 AM, Myrkhoos said:

So much fear bottled up, on top of enormous rage and grief.I just to cry repeatedly How could this have happened?

 

@Myrkhoos........This.^

 

When I joined this site I was exactly the same way. Full of rage. Full of grief. And I cried a lot. As soon as the shock wore off (and it took awhile) that I had been told a lie about the bible being a 'literal' book, I slowly became 'free' from the grips of having to please 'the gods' and all the people. I still like people to care and I am still a caring person....but if you don't like me...Oh well.....it won't end my world. It takes time. Start small. Start saying, ''no thanks' to something small. Then do it again. It starts to get easier. If you get rejected, just feel that feeling. You won't die. You will become truly free if you get to the point that you don't give a 'rats ass' if people approve of you or not. It will happen for you . Keep posting.

 

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/17/2019 at 6:28 PM, WillT said:

Do you have any other resources? This has been a really big struggle for me, and that document looks like something that would help if I could just internalize it. I’m not getting much on ye olde google, but I might be searching the wrong term. 

 

On 6/18/2019 at 8:21 PM, older said:

 

Will:

 

As to search terms, try "assertiveness," "assertive rights," and "assertion training."

While the net will give you an overview of assertive rights, the best way to gain skill and understanding is in an in-person group setting where you can discuss and practice the ideas and techniques. You'll have to research what's available locally for that; your primary care physician would be one place to get a referral from.

 

I looked at the assertive bill of rights, that’s going to help me too I think. We live in a society that seems to demand so much attention, I struggle to find my own space and my parents did just about everything to destroy my boundaries. 

5E83B3E8-CDDB-4F4A-B0B2-8E1F6BA97DB9.png

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To me this bill of rights could be summed up in - You can live. Which, from experience, much easier said than done. But worth the try. I am, what else can you do except that?

 

Even here, on the site, thoughts come up of, am I being the good, ex christian? Am I really a true one? I am having doubts, maybe I shall be rejected. The whole pattern of the high control group applied even here.

 

Stefan

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Myrkhoos said:

Even here, on the site, thoughts come up of, am I being the good, ex christian? Am I really a true one? I am having doubts, maybe I shall be rejected. The whole pattern of the high control group applied even here.

Acceptance is a complex and nuanced thing. It feels good as an X Xian to talk to people with shared perspective in this matter, as it helps to feel less alone in the struggle and it helps to reassert your own sense of reality. I think this website is great in this respect. That being said, people have a variety of beliefs and attitudes. For example, although people usually avoid talking politics here, you might find that a person who deeply shares your perspective on religion will suddenly turn and fiercely disagree with you on a political opinion (or some other matter). That can feel like rejection. Ultimately it is important to learn to accept yourself and feel secure in that, and random ferocity and disagreement, in time, will feel less like personal rejection. It won't matter if you're a good X Xian.

 

It does, however, delight me personally that you escaped toxic Xianity, and this isn't because I care whether you like me ( although it is welcome if you do :) ). I just personally believe more people should should do the same. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.