Help! My BF of 9yrs is born again

[Xtina]

My bf just told me sex b4 marriage is a sin. We’ve also discussed the fact that neither of us are interested in getting married. So he’s choosing a life of abstinence and wants to continue having a committed relationship w/me. He’s so overcome by his relationship w/God, a relationship he’s had since age 11 and I’ve just learned about it. The person I once knew no longer exists and I cannot compete w/God. I feel so helpless and I don’t think he will waver from his faith. Do I have any hope or should I just set him free? I’ve told him I don’t accept a relationship in his new terms. He’s got an addictive personality and I believe his new drug is God. He gave up smoking pot about a yr ago because of a knee bucking conversation w/God (which I only just learned about) and he gave up alcohol at the beginning of the year. I think he need to obsess on something new and he feels so empowered w/his newfound relationship. Feeling helpless!! 

[Joshpantera]

Sounds like an addictive personality, with god as the new drug. I guess see what happens. If it doesn't work for you then cut him loose. 

[Geezer]

Red flags are red for a reason. The heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart is fueled by emotion. In this case your brain appears to be functioning rationally. Maybe you should let your brain make this decision and ignore your heart.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Lots of other guys out there, no sense in sticking with one that is on the crazy train. Crazy can be a lot of things, but you seem to already know how he obsesses. With religion, he'll have others from the cult telling him it's all true, so that will make it nearly impossible to escape. He'll be doing his best to get you onboard also. Then you can look forward to a lifetime of the crazy shell-game of religion, won't that be wonderful? Best to cut and run and don't look back, in my opinion.

[florduh]

12 hours ago, Xtina said:

The person I once knew no longer exists

That is all you need to realize. Move far and fast.

[mwc]

     Once you're in 2nd (or 3rd, 4th or nth) place then you'll always be there.  Is that where you want to be in this relationship?  When he wants you, when it's your turn, you'll be brought out and made to be special but when your time is over you'll be back to your normal place.  If that's what you want then accept your fate but otherwise you should consider other options like leaving him and being by yourself for awhile so you can sort out what you really need.

 

          mwc

 

[Insightful]

So sorry for you.  9 yrs is a long time that you 2 have shared together.

 

I agree with the others - red flags for sure and lots of problems ahead.  Seems wisest to move on...

 

But I can't imagine the pain you must be going through.

 

 

[MOHO]

@Xtina,

 

I signed up for the crazy 20+ years ago whilst dating Mrs. MOHO.

It wasn't too awful as, at the time, she was not an over-the-top, in-your-face, totally controlled by Jesus, proselytizing Xtian. But now she is.

 

OK, there are weeks when it's bad and weeks when she just goes to church on Sunday. But the God Virus is there to stay and it influences her decision making process which, in turn, negatively impacts our life together. The most annoying/harmful is the hopee, prayee thing instead of taking the reins and implementing a solution to problems. 

 

It has been my personal experience that the fundies that give God/Jesus credit for overcoming their addiction(s) are the most obnoxious and least likely to recover from their new found addiction. After all - they have daily support from the rest of the crazy crowd. 

 

If you are not religious then beat it! I know 9 years is a lot to throw away but do you really want to wait another 9 years only to watch him stay in the crazy? Do you really have time left in your life to throw some of it away when you could find a non-religious person to enjoy THIS life with?

    - MOHO (Mind Of HIs Own)

[DanForsman]

Your understanding of your situation and what you've written about it here is flawless Xtina. I believe you understand your new relationship with this man as well as it could be understood. It looks to me like your inner self is telling you to get out . Reread what you have written and see what you think you are saying to yourself. With someone who is lucky enough to think as clearly as you do my advice is always to listen to yourself and follow your instincts. Trust yourself and see where that takes you. Don't allow a half crazy person to take away a substantial portion of who you could (should?) be. This is the only chance you're going to get to find out who you are. You partner seems to be a hopelessly lost sole. I seriously believe living by yourself would be a tremendous upgrade to attempting to drag this guy along with you. If you just give yourself a chance you may very well surprise yourself with how fulfilling and fun being you turns out to be. Good luck Xtina. I'm glad you chose to bring your story to us and please keep us in the loop for at least a while and let us know however you decide to proceed.

[LostinParis]

My husband pulled this same crap on me 3 years ago, which was 19 years into our marriage. We are divorcing now.

It’s impossible to live with a fundamentalist, every conversation turns into an argument.

I strongly advise you not to have children with your bf, they will be in agony listening to you argue about how to best raise them. He will fret about their salvation, and you will become the enemy.

[Myrkhoos]

               Interesting thing you said, about God as an addiction. Really need to think this through. I mean, religion does offer community, which is a lot for any human in terms of feeling good, practices, order, a sense of belonging, a sense of importance, in some way, so for many, including myself, it is very appealing.

 

          However, my intuition and experience tells me that intimate relantionships hardly work with opposite worldviews. Work as in provide emotional happiness. of course if you are interested in testing your enduring abilities, that is another thing, but emotional fulfillment with opposing worldviews seems neigh impossible. Most mixed religion couples I suspect are not that religious, as in they are more culturally, liberally religious, like I call to call my God Jesus, you like to call him Allah, but it is all good. That is actually a kind of openess to a sort of syncretism. 

            But hanging in there hoping for change is a common illusion. Maybe he will change for the worse, how will you know? 

 

I am sorry, pain awaits you every decision you will make. But one is better than the other.

[midniterider]

On 6/14/2019 at 9:46 PM, Xtina said:

My bf just told me sex b4 marriage is a sin. We’ve also discussed the fact that neither of us are interested in getting married. So he’s choosing a life of abstinence and wants to continue having a committed relationship w/me. He’s so overcome by his relationship w/God, a relationship he’s had since age 11 and I’ve just learned about it. The person I once knew no longer exists and I cannot compete w/God. I feel so helpless and I don’t think he will waver from his faith. Do I have any hope or should I just set him free? I’ve told him I don’t accept a relationship in his new terms. He’s got an addictive personality and I believe his new drug is God. He gave up smoking pot about a yr ago because of a knee bucking conversation w/God (which I only just learned about) and he gave up alcohol at the beginning of the year. I think he need to obsess on something new and he feels so empowered w/his newfound relationship. Feeling helpless!! 

 

Fuck that guy! (Sorry, I couldnt resist the double entendre)

 

It sucks when someone drops a bomb on you like this. At least you're not married and dont have kids ( I guess) which can make a breakup more complicated. If he's gone Full-Jesus-OCD mode that's a good reason to say goodbye in itself. But next year maybe he'll be OCD about model trains or something. It doesnt sound like something a normal person would want to deal with. You have no agreements with God nor government to stay with this guy so don't feel like you have to. 

 

I divorced a crazy back in the day. The right side of my brain was very sad (for a while) but the left side knew it was necessary. Then someone better came along. 

 

You are far from helpless. You can choose your destiny. You are in charge of you. He is not in charge of you. 

 

Take care.

[Tsathoggua9]

My advice is to drop him. It may be painful at first, but it will be easier to do this under your current situation than if you two were actually married.

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

On 6/15/2019 at 12:46 AM, Xtina said:

I feel so helpless and I don’t think he will waver from his faith. Do I have any hope or should I just set him free? I’ve told him I don’t accept a relationship in his new terms.

The situation sounds terrible and I'm sorry to hear it. It's important to remember : It's not your job to fix him. You set your boundaries clearly, which is great. What he does with his life and his addictive personality is his responsibility.