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Would like to believe but just cannot

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I am having this pulsating feelings of going back to it all, missionary, hardocre, spirituality style, but it is not of conviction, or new found wisdom, I think. Mostly because of longing for lost time and effort and pain and force of habit, mental and emotional.


Bu I would like to believe it all. Sometimes. Would like the Bible not to be so inconsistent and the God image to be more coherent. Would like the community not to seem so brainwashed all the time. Would like it , actually, not to believe, but it to be different. Not for God to create beings and test them, which only now I see and feel it is so twisted. Would like to not feel the threat of eternal torment if I do not do what he says, even if if I have no power to do it myself.


Would like to be able to understand it all, and not be created not being able to.


Would like to feel real compassion, not just tha trials and pains are somehow a sign of his love, which again seems twisted.


Would like not to feel rage and sickness to myself at any kind of praise to some kind of person, in religion and not only.


Would like to be helped when I am in my worst state, mentally and materially and not be agressed and bullied for it.


Would like not to participate in the ritual symbolic cannibalism of lithurgy.


Would like to have freedom, not just to obey parents, priests and leaders and be scared shitless if I do not.


Would like to feel empathy and safety, not domination and constant anxiety.


Would like not having to forcefully brainwash myself.


But I cannot. It is just too vile and putrid, it seems that way. I cannot. Something in me cannot, would prefer torture, than this. 


I cannot accept contradictions as always sign of superior intelligence


I cannot keep finding and seeing patterns in my head that I have no proof they are there or not. Like if I replace God with the tooth fairy, and the pattern would still work.


I cannot be naive, trusting. I have been harmed, psychologically to the point of severe breakdown and witness this continually happening.


I cannot just think of an afterlife , and fantasize about it when all things will be right. That does not make feel better, it makes me feel worse, as why in an uncertain future and not now? 


The image of God I have been presented with is absurd, pathological, and unprovable. An amalgam of different ideas and projection. While I do not deny some kind of reality of being, which I am not aware of, and I am trying to be honest and say , yes, I am full of bias and lack, what I am aware of makes me extremely skeptical of the Christian God claim.


And, the first claim I have is this, the apostles believed, from the official gospels, after seeing countless wonders, from manipulation of the elements, to curing of thousands, to bringing back the dead, and countless sermons and explanations of the truths, gradually building up their understanding. I have yet to see such a preacher, although it was promised that those who believed in him would do the same, even greater.


I do not believe, but I am open and investigating and trying to make sense of my experiences. 



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Hey @Myrkhoos,


Sorry you're felling icky.

We've all been there.


You are going through the struggle that, unfortunately, is just part of eschewing mind-control. Brain washing, if you will. This is perfectly normal and things WILL get better. I've been were you are and, the more you realize that xianity is a man-made enterprise, the less you will fear Hell, judgement and Fundy-ass family members.


It takes time to de-program just as it took time to program in the first place. Your brain evolved this way because, apparently, this is the best means of survival. This way the brain does not have to cope with everything that comes at it - just the important (repeated) stuff.


Keep visiting here and reading/posting. And hit those books suggested here as well - both from members and from the advertisements here and there. @webmdave put them there, not just for the site's survival, but because they have value.


Reach out to us.


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During my deconversion process I wanted it to be true. "Christ" was my whole life; Christianity was the only worldview I knew. Having the foundation yanked out from under me and being in a freefall with nowhere to get a foothold was very difficult to deal with, so I would much rather have remained in the faith. That proved an impossibility, though. 


I've been out for a long time now and have moved on with my life, so these days it doesn't have the emotional appeal that it used to. Chances are that you will reach that point, too. 


Hang in there. I wish you the best as you move forward. 

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I think almost everyone wishes magic was real. It isn't. I still miss Santa.

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I never got to believe in Santa, Christmas was for the “lesser” Christians 😆


No presents for me 😢.


My Lutheran grandma was thrilled whilst becoming an atheist I was now able to celebrate  Christmas. 



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