Born to Be Controlled

[Dreamer]

In the past two years, I have attended college at a very progressive school. I met a man (we'll call him Damien) with whom I had a special and unique bond. We dated a short time before the end of the quarter. I never revealed my relationship to my family because he wasn't the ideal "Christian God-loving man" that my parents so desperately desired for me to marry. I was happy with this man despite his beliefs, but I was worried at the time because his beliefs scared me at how much they clashed with mine.

Last summer, I broke up with him. I couldn't take the guilt. I thought I was sinful. I thought it would never work out. I thought it was in God's plan. I thought I was terribly mislead. I thought I was being irrational and stupid for wanting someone. It wasn't the first time. It wasn't even the second. 

My parents have created a wedge of themselves in every one of my relationships. Their purpose is to distance me from anyone who thinks differently than their Christian values. Their desire is to control me and my beliefs and my life. I only started questioning this when I went back to college last fall.

Last fall, I had roommates from a variety of backgrounds. They showed me how to be more accepting. My oldest roommate was beautiful in all her capable and confident glory. She owned her look, her sexuality, her life, and her choices. I learned so much from her in such a short three-month time span. I realized that I had a right to choice and freewill. I realized that I was a judgmental person because of my religion. I realized that I was misled and a blind follower.

After that quarter, I took action. I called up Damien over winter break. We met again in January so that I could apologize and tell him that I was still confused about everything. He forgave me (teaching me that forgiveness is not just exclusive to religion.) I was happy, I fell in love, and I was filled with more joy than I've ever felt in my entire life. We both wanted to share our happiness with the world, but I wanted to wait until I told my parents. During spring break, I gave them a call.

My mother blubbered the entire call, spewing biblical shit, telling me that it was no good, and crying about how she was scared for me. If my father hadn’t been under the influence of several drugs after three surgeries, he would have added more stress to the conversation. My sibling never had a chance to speak. My mother gave me a lecture saying that a relationship is like two oxen pulling a wagon and if one strays from the path then they won't go towards God. My father said I was free to make my own choices as he had told me before college, but he said he wanted to be more involved. They assumed things about Damien's character, his background, and tried to paint a horrible picture of someone they never met just because of his lack of religion.

After the phone call, Damien and I discussed how judgmental and close-minded my parents had been. I wasn't convinced by anything that they said, and I was glad for it. I was worried that I would be trapped in their world again, believing what they said again, and I was terrified of losing Damien. He was also heartbroken by the news that my parents had already determined that they hated him before meeting him, before even stepping on the same continent as him. Damien had wanted a relationship with them despite their views, he wanted to make things work out for us, and all he has ever wanted is the best for me.

But then, summer arrived and I was dragged back home as soon as possible. Flown on an eight hour flight to Hawaii to be with my "family." I've been imprisoned on this island for about 50 days now with 50 days left to go. The lectures, questions, rants, scolding, and "counseling" about my terrible life decisions occur every damn day.

The background on my family is this: my father went through eight years of bible college to get a master’s degree and become a Chaplain in the military for fourteen years. I've moved every two years since I was six. My mother had and has had no other aspirations in life other than to be a mother and housewife. Both of my parents believe that a woman's sole purpose in life is to get married to a Christian man who will provide for her, make her life better, give her children to take care of, and give her the pleasure of helping the man.

I've been taught my whole life that it all just amounts to marrying some Christian man who is going to control me, make every decision in my life, use me as a sex toy, use me as a baby factory, expect me to be a maid, and to help him through all of his life. I never wanted that life even when I was a Christian. I've dated Christian boys before and been around them my entire life. They're entitled, self-righteous, and a bunch of misogynists. When I dated Christian boys, I recognized that marriage wasn't as sacred as my parents always described it. Christian boys believed marriage as the way to sex, therefore, marriage was for their benefit and their benefit only. Every boy thought that I should feel privileged if they said they wanted to marry me. I even had one boyfriend describe in detail how our day would go, saying that I would stay home all day and whenever he wanted when he came back, we would have sex. He saw me as a sex toy in waiting. I've been verbally and mentally abused like that by so many Christian boys that I could never agree to a long-term relationship like that.

My father still adamantly believes that I need a Christian man. He hates my current boyfriend. My father runs the family by making every decision and treating everyone in the house as inferior. He thinks that I am a lost soul in need of his sermons every day. He controls my life. He tells me that he has the last say on every decision. My mother just sits idly by and nods in agreement with his dictatorship.

He nearly held me back from college this year. He said he didn't trust me to live alone in the one-bedroom apartment that I wanted. He didn't trust me to not invite "that non-Christian boyfriend of yours" over (he never actually uses Damien's name.) He told me that he couldn't trust that Damien wouldn't force himself on me and try to get his way with me. Basically, calling Damien a potential rapist. Calling the love of my life a sinful person. Telling me that Damien didn't have a good moral bone in his body. Yet my father has STILL never even stepped on the same continent as Damien.

My parents even lied about there being no option for me to go to college. They said that it was too late to apply for funding, there are only Parent Plus loans left, and it won't cover off-campus housing. I knew they were lying so I found a private loan that was known for working with my school. I filled out everything and my father stopped me from finishing it because I needed him to cosign. He wouldn't cosign if I got the one-bedroom apartment. He didn't trust me. He said it was still his loan and he was still funding me. My name was on the damn loan. It's my job to pay the loan back out of college. Not his! Yet he still demanded that he had control. 

There was a huge outburst one day when I had an argument over it with him. I had simply asked him to cosign that day. He argued with me, even delayed going to work in order to give me another sermon about "this non-Christian boyfriend of yours." He always says he's looking out for me. He knows best. He cares about me. "I'm willing to do anything for you." Then he started into the sermon about how I need a Christian man in my life.

I'd had enough and I yelled at him that I had been abused by Christian boys before. He glazed over it and continued his sermon at me. I called him out on it crying that I had just told him I was abused and all he cared about was telling me that I still needed a Christian man in my life. That's when I lost all sense of safety in this house. His face was red, his whole body quivered, he shook his fist and fingers at me, and he screamed at me. My father shouted that he cared, how he would fly out to wherever those men were and kick their butt, how he would be on his way to prison for how much he wanted to protect me, and how he was willing to do so much because he cared about me. I had never been more terrified of a man in my entire life. I had never even been that terrified of my abusers. I had never been that terrified of men who looked like my abusers. 

My trust issues weren't solely from them. It was my parents.

My dad ended his outburst by saying "don't you ever say that I don't care about you again." I then had to hold in all the fearful tears, the quivering fear, and the disgust as he came over and hugged me. Then my mother thought it would be a good idea to sit me down and ASK me to explain the abuse. Instead of a warm welcoming safe space, I was forced to talk about my abuse. I was forced to sit at the kitchen table for hours listening to her talk about God, how He would fix everything, and how a Christian man would fix my whole life and I would be his helper. My mother told me that I should see myself as a treasure. But at the same time all I am is a helper to a man. I was forced to recite all the Christian beliefs and why certain rituals and morals are important. I was forced to sit after such an abusive morning and be subjected to further abuse. After hours of reciting Christian nonsense, my mother had the audacity to tell me that she felt like she did a good job of "counseling me." Last I checked she doesn't have a mental health degree.

I wish I could go see a real counselor. However, every time that my sibling or I ever try to fill out the questionnaire at the doctor honestly, our mother gets upset and tells us to get a new form and fill it out “correctly.” She doesn’t want us to get counseling. My father doesn’t believe in mental disorders like anxiety, PTSD, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Both of my parents believe that prayer, bible studies, and listening to their lectures because god is the big fixer of all illnesses. I remember the first time I reached out because I had depression. My mother stood in the kitchen, cried for a good thirty minutes, we prayed, and viola god took my depression away. If I ever reached out for help again, my parents would give me more lectures and believe that I should talk to my father because obviously his “counseling” is going to help. I want to shout at everyone who counsels him to run for their lives. I want to scream at every passerby for help. But I remain in fearful silence.

After more intense talks throughout the week, I somehow convinced my parents equipped with several lies and stretching of truths that my father should cosign and let me get the one-bedroom apartment. I'm not allowed to have my boyfriend over without any other guests being present. My mother came up with the brilliant idea of having a security camera installed outside my door that they already have access too since they brought it from a previous house. I'll be leaving one prison and entering another if they remember to force me to take the security camera.

I had to lie and tell them that I was even considering speaking with Damien to see if we wanted to continue together. I had to lie and say that I was willing to break up with him for my education. Truthfully, I was willing to create the most elaborate lies possible to get back to freedom, to get back to him, to get back to somewhere I would finally feel safe. I'm never going back to church. I'm never going to become a part of that wretched hell again. I never want to come back to this damn prison either. Hawaii was supposed to be a place of beauty and faith and hope, but all it is for me is a dark, depressing, and fearful prison.

My sibling and I are suffering in this prison. I found out this summer that they had been questioning faith too. They discovered that they are asexual, aromantic, and non-binary, but they could never reveal that to our parents. Our parents are disgusted every time a homosexual relationship shows up on television. My mother enjoys pointing at gay guys on the street and making fun of them. My father even lectured my sibling on a haircut they wanted. He called it a "lesbian haircut" (the haircut with the shaved sides and longer hair that drapes over top.) He got all worked up over even the thought of it and worried that our family's image would be destroyed. "What if people come up to me and ask me what is wrong with your daughter? Is she a lesbian?" I overheard the whole conversation and almost got sick because of it. I've been sickened by my parents before, but somehow, they always found a way to take it even further.

So, I drove my sibling to the haircut. I drove them to get clothes that they like. I talk to them every night about how our parents are wrong in every aspect. I talk to them every night about how they are special, and Christianity can't take anything away from them. I promise them that I'm on their side. That they have got somebody waiting for them on the other side of this. They still have a few years to go before they are old enough to leave for college. I told them I'll be waiting. I'll check up on them while I'm away. I'm not losing a sibling over this. My parents can't take another one of the only special things in my life. My parents have taken so many things from me. Stripped me of my spirit. Crushed my happiness. Taken away every sense of security. And now my parents have taken my sibling’s.

Now my sibling must suffer in silence. We both are suffering in silence. We're so fearful every day. I now flinch away from my father's touch but have to conceal it so I don't get questioned. I live every moment in fear. 

Religions asks for forgiveness? People like them don't deserve it. I don't have time to waste on learning to forgive and forget. I think religion has forgiveness all wrong. Forgiveness is for those who are willing to move forward with change and progress. But someone shouldn't waste a second on trying to mold their heart into forgiving someone that will never change. 

I was born to be controlled by my parents. That was their purpose for me in life. My mother has said on multiple occasions that all she wants is for everyone to do as she says, and everything would be perfect. She has told me that she wishes she could put me in a bubble, so nothing happens to me. My father plays mind games by telling me that I have the choice to make my own decisions, yet he says he has to be a part of every one of them.

I was born to be controlled, but you can't control something that isn't there anymore. All their lies, deception, control, and mind games have done is push me further away. Once I'm free, I'm never looking back. I'll never shed a tear for them. I'll never wish I could reconcile. If they don't want me to be happy, then they don't deserve a second longer in my life and they don't deserve to know a damn thing about me. 

[nontheistpilgrim]

Welcome Dreamer

Dream on and make your dreams come true.

You tell a horrific story that makes me angry and sad. You probably know that you need to be free from all abusive relationships and cultivate your support networks. Enjoy your creative interests.

I wish you peace and well-being.

 

[florduh]

Welcome, Dreamer.

 

I know it's difficult but you did the right thing, it was your only option. Many people aren't strong enough for that. Enjoy your life.

[Derek]

Welcome, Dreamer...you're obviously a strong, intelligent young woman. It's great that your sibling has someone like you to turn to when she gets out. It's so sad how much religion blinds people. 

[MOHO]

Welcome to Ex-C, @Dreamer.

 

Yours is a horrific tale of abuse and control but non too unique I'm afraid. There are a myriad of stories similar to yours on this site. The "good news" (sorry :O ) is that you are not alone. You have friends here and I'm glad you have your sibl'n to confide in.

 

You did the right thing in pretending to capitulate so you can finish your education. This will also prepare you for the corporate world if that's where life takes you.

Question: You refer to your sibling but then also refer to her in the plural sense "I drove THEM to get clothes they like." Are there more than one?

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

[Tsathoggua9]

Amazing story! It is truly awful how controlling some religious people can be. Sorry you had to endure all that! I hope that you can stay free from such ridiculous and crazy shit.

[Myrkhoos]

Well, I am sorry. really, for your pain. I, in some aspects know it, and hate it.

 

The problem, as I see it, is with brainwashing and stories. I recommend, highly recommend Steve Hassan. I have started to listen to an audiobook of his. It is notwithout its faults, but I personally cpuld learn from it. But you can see them as you want.

I would advise, although it is hard, against adopting a new narrative of reality, or wholly adopting one.  If you have been in that house, than surely the inclination exists. It is like being born in a southern state. You get sun tan, wheter you like or not. So be careful with that. 

 

My way, maybe this helps, it by asking questions. What is that? What is sexuality? What do I feel, what have other s felt? What is good? A way of investigation. Remember that ideologies exists everywhere, in the overly woke social justice warrior, to, yes, maybe this will outrage some here, some LGBT groups, and so on. Ideological thought is not confined to religion. The other side is not so bright, either. 

 

If you wish to escape control, it seems to me an open, critical mind is a useful tool of developping. Read Plato, read Aristotle, read Besser van der Kolk, and watch their conferences. And most of all, read on the psychology of influence. Theramin Trees is a nice channel on youtube, although limited and somewhat simplistic in some matters. But avoid clinging. 

 

If there was thing, a good one, that I learned from the Orthodox, is that dogmas are tools and medicines, models to rely one, not idols or obstacles. Maps. So, may you use stufff like this, temporary models, maps, not idols. 

 

A therapist could help, if you can afford one. 

 

But please, I mean, well, you decide your life, but , usually, in the periods of redifining identity, it is not wise to make big commitments or moves, like marriage, or serious relationships, or serious career moves, or anything big and intense and with lots of consequences. Do so, if you must, but searching around, trying this and that, might be more useful.

 

Again, I am sorry. With friendship and care,

 

Stefan

 

PS this does make me wonder if some kind of communities could not be made, like there are churches and monasteries, but for skeptics and people recovering from religion. I mean ancient philosophers had them like Plato s Academy, or Epicurean Gardens. Maybe it is a fantasy, but anyway...Idk how useful it would be. Like practical places where people who had to get out controlling family environments could stay for a while.

[Dreamer]

6 hours ago, MOHO said:

 

Question: You refer to your sibling but then also refer to her in the plural sense "I drove THEM to get clothes they like." Are there more than one?

 

I have one sibling. They are non-binary and prefer they, them pronouns. Something we cannot use in the house due to our parents hatred towards everything LGBTQ+. Therefore, I wanted to honor that preference and use those pronouns on this thread. 

[Dreamer]

 

2 hours ago, Myrkhoos said:

 

PS this does make me wonder if some kind of communities could not be made, like there are churches and monasteries, but for skeptics and people recovering from religion. I mean ancient philosophers had them like Plato s Academy, or Epicurean Gardens. Maybe it is a fantasy, but anyway...Idk how useful it would be. Like practical places where people who had to get out controlling family environments could stay for a while.

I wish that there was a practical place for people to escape from controlling family environments. With the way politics and the government are headed today, I believe that my situation would never be classified as abuse and wouldn't constitute receiving help from the government.

[sdelsolray]

3 hours ago, Dreamer said:

 

I wish that there was a practical place for people to escape from controlling family environments. With the way politics and the government are headed today, I believe that my situation would never be classified as abuse and wouldn't constitute receiving help from the government.

 

Be patient.  I could easily take several more years for you to mostly separate from your parents' influences and control. 

 

Plan the work and work the plan.  Study hard at school.  Learn to earn your own way to become financially independent.

 

Strive for the moral and intellectual high ground when dealing with your parents.  I won't suggest whether you should lie to them or be truthful with them, as that is your decision and your burden to deal with the consequences (which there will be, regardless of which path you choose).

 

As to the boyfriend, again I won't suggest how you should proceed.  Keep in mind, however, that hormones can greatly influence behavior.

Over time you will extricate yourself from the emotional and intellectual abuse you have been suffering, as will your sibling, with your support.

[Lerk]

Welcome, Dreamer!

 

I know all of that is incredibly hard. When it feels impossible, I hope you can feel encouraged by the fact that your life will be better in the future. I will be better because you realized what was happening at a young enough age, and you had the courage to go through all of this trauma to ensure yourself a better tomorrow.

 

When I read stories like yours, I realize just how real this shit is.

 

I wish you all the best for your life, and am confident that you'll get it by your own strong will!

 

Glad to have you around these parts.

[Hole_In_My_Heart]

Hi Dreamer, I'm non-binary and dealing with Christian fallout as well. Being non-binary actually has nothing to do with being LGBTQ, although some people of course are in both camps; gender and sexual orientation are totally different things. I'm guessing your parents will refuse to understand the difference, though. Good on you for using your sibling's preferred pronouns, and for your support of them!

 

If you're in your second year of college, that means that you're 18 or older, right? That means that you are a legal adult, and your parents can only have as much control over you as you permit them to. I came from an abusive family as well, so let me toss some tough love at you; it's time to become an independent person. If you want to get back to the mainland and can't afford it yourself, suck it up until the end of the summer, and yes I know it's hard, so that your parents will pay to send you back… and then just cut them off. Change your phone number, and don't give them the new one. Go to your college's financial aid office and find out what is available to you. You might also be able to qualify for loans without your parents cosigning: 

 

https://studentloanhero.com/featured/how-to-get-student-loans-without-parents/

 

If that still doesn't provide you with enough money, you'll need to get a job. You might need to go to school only part time. You might need to withdraw for a few semesters to build up some cash reserves. Yes, that will suck, but you will be in control of your own life at last. As a bonus, you'll have a way to help your sibling get free once they reach 18, which you won't be able to do if you are still dependent on your parents.

 

And again, yes, it sucks. It sucks that your parents are the way they are. It sucks that your choices are to deal with their abuse or to have to be independent years earlier than other people your age. The sense of freedom and control that you will gain will be worth it. The example that you're setting for your younger sibling will be worth it. The damage that you will be preventing to your psyche from not having extra years under your parents' psycho rule will be worth it. Best of luck to you!

[DanForsman]

Great job of dealing with a difficult situation Dreamer. Your boyfriend sounds like a very nice person from what you've said and a fantastic upgrade from your previous christian suitors. I applaud the support you've shown for your sisters and the wonderful bond you are creating. There is nothing in life more valuable than having a close relationship with someone you love and Blue sounds like some fantastic people to share time, thoughts, feelings, trials, victories, etc. with. I'm happy for all of you for gaining this distance from your parents sad depressing ideal home of control and domination. I hope you and your sisters always will be able to look out for one another and create a really nice family out of that twisted suffocating mind control culture you grew up with.

[older]

Dreamer:

 

Your story is sad and horrible. It's hard to imagine what it must be like. As your father is/was a military chaplain, the military mindset combined with the religion make for a seriously troubling brew.

 

On 7/23/2019 at 3:01 PM, Dreamer said:

I believe that my situation would never be classified as abuse and wouldn't constitute receiving help from the government.

 

It is abuse and you can get support from various sources. Being in college, I urge you to check in with the college women's center or counseling center. A little face-to-face support is good to have, and they might also have some ideas on how you can become independent. And when you finally make the break, consider that you might have to take extreme steps to conceal your contact info and location from your parents.

 

Here is the phone number for the 24/7 Domestic Abuse Hotline. Religious abuse is discussed on their website. They can help you formulate an escape plan. 1-800-799-7233  And the website is: https://www.thehotline.org . There is some good info there on tech and social media safety.  Don't rely on just Damian alone to help you escape. The folks who run this website look like they have experience with this stuff and know how to do it right. They are sponsored in part by a grant from the U.S. Department of Justice.

 

You have probably already thought about your digital tracks. If you have a laptop at school, don't ever take it home. Don't use a computer at home for anything you don't want your folks to know about. A library computer will protect you. Here's a link to the digital safety page on the hotline I mentioned above: https://www.thehotline.org/help/tech-social-media-safety/

 

Please keep in touch here. We'll give you as much support as we can.

 

[Dreamer]

39 minutes ago, older said:

Dreamer:

 

Your story is sad and horrible. It's hard to imagine what it must be like. As your father is/was a military chaplain, the military mindset combined with the religion make for a seriously troubling brew.

 

 

It is abuse and you can get support from various sources. Being in college, I urge you to check in with the college women's center or counseling center. A little face-to-face support is good to have, and they might also have some ideas on how you can become independent. And when you finally make the break, consider that you might have to take extreme steps to conceal your contact info and location from your parents.

 

Here is the phone number for the 24/7 Domestic Abuse Hotline. Religious abuse is discussed on their website. They can help you formulate an escape plan. 1-800-799-7233  And the website is: https://www.thehotline.org . There is some good info there on tech and social media safety.  Don't rely on just Damian alone to help you escape. The folks who run this website look like they have experience with this stuff and know how to do it right. They are sponsored in part by a grant from the U.S. Department of Justice.

 

You have probably already thought about your digital tracks. If you have a laptop at school, don't ever take it home. Don't use a computer at home for anything you don't want your folks to know about. A library computer will protect you. Here's a link to the digital safety page on the hotline I mentioned above: https://www.thehotline.org/help/tech-social-media-safety/

 

Please keep in touch here. We'll give you as much support as we can.

 

Thank you for all of the links and advice! I knew about the suicide prevention hotline, but not the domestic abuse hotline. Being victim-blamed my entire life, I’ve felt trapped and believed that no one would believe my testimonies of abuse. 

Just last Sunday, @Blue and I had started a conversation about our parents spreading rumors across chapel about how we were doing “nothing all summer.” My intention had been to correct my mother and tell her that I felt proud of having secured a loan and apartment this summer (and to point out that I was in fact doing something all summer.) However, this comment started a three to five hour long preaching session between the family. Blue later told our parents that their depression and suicidal thoughts have increased. Our mother then went on to cry about how we always say she is wrong about everything and that Blue was blaming our parents for the depression and suicidal thoughts. Although our parents are definitely to blame, we have NEVER outright said that (for fear of the consequences.) Then our father proceeded to blame us for our own mental problems and said that if we read the Bible and had a better relationship with god then we wouldn’t have mental issues like depression and suicidal thoughts. If it weren’t for his beliefs, we would be getting help for mental illnesses such as major depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and we also suspect that I might be bipolar. However, how are we supposed to ever know and treat our mental illnesses if they don’t exist with god? 

I am planning on getting mental health whether they criticize and make fun of me or not. I will probably have to result in reporting my father as well as he has been inappropriately touching both Blue and I After the intense argument last Sunday. I believe his new tactic of sexual assault has to do with us finally challenging his authority in the house.

[Myrkhoos]

1 hour ago, Dreamer said:

Thank you for all of the links and advice! I knew about the suicide prevention hotline, but not the domestic abuse hotline. Being victim-blamed my entire life, I’ve felt trapped and believed that no one would believe my testimonies of abuse. 

Just last Sunday, @Blue and I had started a conversation about our parents spreading rumors across chapel about how we were doing “nothing all summer.” My intention had been to correct my mother and tell her that I felt proud of having secured a loan and apartment this summer (and to point out that I was in fact doing something all summer.) However, this comment started a three to five hour long preaching session between the family. Blue later told our parents that their depression and suicidal thoughts have increased. Our mother then went on to cry about how we always say she is wrong about everything and that Blue was blaming our parents for the depression and suicidal thoughts. Although our parents are definitely to blame, we have NEVER outright said that (for fear of the consequences.) Then our father proceeded to blame us for our own mental problems and said that if we read the Bible and had a better relationship with god then we wouldn’t have mental issues like depression and suicidal thoughts. If it weren’t for his beliefs, we would be getting help for mental illnesses such as major depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and we also suspect that I might be bipolar. However, how are we supposed to ever know and treat our mental illnesses if they don’t exist with god? 

I am planning on getting mental health whether they criticize and make fun of me or not. I will probably have to result in reporting my father as well as he has been inappropriately touching both Blue and I After the intense argument last Sunday. I believe his new tactic of sexual assault has to do with us finally challenging his authority in the house.

Sorry to hear what you are going though.Yeah, do not be TOO confident in mental health professional across the board. Really, this field is very diverse and not so well established as it may seem from the outside, as religion seems sometimes. 

 That is link to second half of a book by besser van der kolk, a psychiatrist with decades of experience working through trauma and saying how a lot of diagnoses in the official diagnostic manual are plainly wrong and meaningless. And that a lot f these depression, anxiety, bipolar or whatever are symptoms of underlying trauma.  Also search Steve Hassan and Janja Lalich, their are cult experts and may have some good ideas here and there, on the effects of authoritarian religions on mental health. And really, if you have some issue, try to be extremely reserved about self diagnosing. being brought upon in a home where there is a lot of blaming and guilt tripping, you might have developped a habit of  overblowing your issues, like sometimes, panic attacks are the extreme fear of fear, not the initial fear. I am not saying that you do not feel how you feel, just that the the problem might not be the original issue, like for example having sexual thoughts, BUT the whole swarm of overcomplicating a simple feeling/thought.  It is very, very useful, I cannot stress this enough, tat your therapist knows a thing or two about authoritarian religions and thought reform. Search cultrecovery expert, religious trauma, spiritual abuse, stuff like that. Mind control is real, and your father being a preacher, he may have picked up some tehniques for that, not knowing what they are. 

[Dreamer]

6 minutes ago, Myrkhoos said:

Sorry to hear what you are going though.Yeah, do not be TOO confident in mental health professional across the board. Really, this field is very diverse and not so well established as it may seem from the outside, as religion seems sometimes. 

That is link to second half of a book by besser van der kolk, a psychiatrist with decades of experience working through trauma and saying how a lot of diagnoses in the official diagnostic manual are plainly wrong and meaningless. And that a lot f these depression, anxiety, bipolar or whatever are symptoms of underlying trauma.  Also search Steve Hassan and Janja Lalich, their are cult experts and may have some good ideas here and there, on the effects of authoritarian religions on mental health. And really, if you have some issue, try to be extremely reserved about self diagnosing. being brought upon in a home where there is a lot of blaming and guilt tripping, you might have developped a habit of  overblowing your issues, like sometimes, panic attacks are the extreme fear of fear, not the initial fear. I am not saying that you do not feel how you feel, just that the the problem might not be the original issue, like for example having sexual thoughts, BUT the whole swarm of overcomplicating a simple feeling/thought.  It is very, very useful, I cannot stress this enough, tat your therapist knows a thing or two about authoritarian religions and thought reform. Search cultrecovery expert, religious trauma, spiritual abuse, stuff like that. Mind control is real, and your father being a preacher, he may have picked up some tehniques for that, not knowing what they are. 

I recognize you from commenting on Hole in My Heart's post and I do not appreciate your philosophical and egotistical manner of replying to others. Since you cannot possibly experience my experiences and do not know the full story, do not tell me how I feel or don't feel. Do not tell me that I have not researched enough. Do not come onto my thread and act like you have more knowledge and experience than I do and know better. I am sick of hearing from people that go around belittling others because they think they know better than everyone else. 

How dare you tell me that I have a habit of overblowing my issues. I have every right to my feelings and thoughts. I have every right to suspect that I have developed mental illnesses and issues because of my abuse. Are you a mental health practitioner? Have you met me? Were you there when I had panic attacks this week? 

I have not just simply self-diagnosed. If you had read my previous comment, I said that "we also suspect." SUSPECT. I did NOT state that I am sure of any of these mental illnesses. I simply researched. Yes, I researched. I read. I related to the symptoms, but have never claimed that I have those mental illnesses. I could never claim a mental illness without being diagnosed because I would be taking away from others that have truly been diagnosed. From the test, I received very troubling results and then researched the suspected diagnosis. So you see, I HAVE RESEARCHED. I have also researched religious trauma syndrome and read up on it quite a bit. I have read up on spiritual abuse as well.

I do not take any of these things lightly. I take my mental health very seriously because no one else will. I plan on bringing all of my suspicions and research to my doctor. I plan on asking help from a licensed practitioner who will give me a real diagnosis and real treatment and real evidence that my mental issues EXIST.

I understand that mind control is real. I know for a fact that my parents have been practicing it on @Blue and I for years. That does not make me any less intelligent or equipped to understand how to research and help understand what is happening to me. Being under the influence of victim-blaming, guilt-tripping, and mind control does not make me so insolent as to need someone to explain to me that my anxiety is just fear or that I'm blowing the situation out of proportion, or that it is all just trauma. Your diagnosis is not welcome here. 

 

And for the record, do NOT post on Blue's testimony ANYTHING about their sexual identity or gender identity. Do NOT go on there and tell Blue that non-binary is not a thing. That is MY SIBLING that you will be belittling and I will NOT have it. I did NOT appreciate reading how you treated Hole in My Heart. If you have such limited views of identity, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Because that close-mindedness is not welcome here. 

[Myrkhoos]

21 minutes ago, Dreamer said:

I recognize you from commenting on Hole in My Heart's post and I do not appreciate your philosophical and egotistical manner of replying to others. Since you cannot possibly experience my experiences and do not know the full story, do not tell me how I feel or don't feel. Do not tell me that I have not researched enough. Do not come onto my thread and act like you have more knowledge and experience than I do and know better. I am sick of hearing from people that go around belittling others because they think they know better than everyone else. 

How dare you tell me that I have a habit of overblowing my issues. I have every right to my feelings and thoughts. I have every right to suspect that I have developed mental illnesses and issues because of my abuse. Are you a mental health practitioner? Have you met me? Were you there when I had panic attacks this week? 

I have not just simply self-diagnosed. If you had read my previous comment, I said that "we also suspect." SUSPECT. I did NOT state that I am sure of any of these mental illnesses. I simply researched. Yes, I researched. I read. I related to the symptoms, but have never claimed that I have those mental illnesses. I could never claim a mental illness without being diagnosed because I would be taking away from others that have truly been diagnosed. From the test, I received very troubling results and then researched the suspected diagnosis. So you see, I HAVE RESEARCHED. I have also researched religious trauma syndrome and read up on it quite a bit. I have read up on spiritual abuse as well.

I do not take any of these things lightly. I take my mental health very seriously because no one else will. I plan on bringing all of my suspicions and research to my doctor. I plan on asking help from a licensed practitioner who will give me a real diagnosis and real treatment and real evidence that my mental issues EXIST.

I understand that mind control is real. I know for a fact that my parents have been practicing it on @Blue and I for years. That does not make me any less intelligent or equipped to understand how to research and help understand what is happening to me. Being under the influence of victim-blaming, guilt-tripping, and mind control does not make me so insolent as to need someone to explain to me that my anxiety is just fear or that I'm blowing the situation out of proportion, or that it is all just trauma. Your diagnosis is not welcome here. 

 

And for the record, do NOT post on Blue's testimony ANYTHING about their sexual identity or gender identity. Do NOT go on there and tell Blue that non-binary is not a thing. That is MY SIBLING that you will be belittling and I will NOT have it. I did NOT appreciate reading how you treated Hole in My Heart. If you have such limited views of identity, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Because that close-mindedness is not welcome here. 

You have absolutely misunderstood me. 

I have said - I am not saying that you do not feel how you feel, just that the the problem might not be the original issue, like for example having sexual thoughts, BUT the whole swarm of overcomplicating a simple feeling/thought. 

 

I said that, because a lot of the problems overly religious people suffer, like Winnell said, are blowing out of proportion of simple everyday feelings, which in itself is a very big thing. Like she had pacients who had severe worry attacks that because they had sexual thoughts, they were going to rape someone. This is what I mean about overblowing.

 

Again, I have said that many therapists are not trained in cult/religious trauma and suggested you find one.

 

And I have you a link of a free audiobook.

 

What, if any of that, is egotisical or belittelling? In giving you advice to be selective of you therapist, based on their experience and giving you a link? Offering some tips from personal experience and reading material does not seem belittelling. And saying that fear is a consequence of trauma? Do you think I think trauma si some kind of stupid, light thing? If you do, you have not read my other posts. 

 

And i do not like your tone. You will not have it? What exactly will you do , if I post? What power do you think you have , on a free forum? Do you feel some kind of need to assert your power here, because you are unable to do so with your parents? Which I will not, just because I respect your wishes, but really, that kind of agression is uncalled for. That post was slandering, and really came out of your own issues, and had nothing to do with me or what I said. It is your right so say anyhing you want to say and I am not the habit of silencing anyone, like you seem to want to do with me. Please, really, if you have rage issues, keep them to yourself, there a lot of hurt people here and it would be advised not lash out at someone after hastily reading one post, or two. 

 

You want to defend your non binariness and and act with me like you father acts about his religion, with you? Fine, but this EXACTLY the type of behaviour you abhorre in your father. Silencing, preaching, overly defensive, hastily judging, and other things. Your behaviour is clearly tribalistic, you seemed to feel I atatcked someone with gender issues, which I did not, I was grossly misunderstood, so I became your enemy, so that is the emotional charge you have towards me. I am not an enemy, but you seem to want to release some discharged anger. Sorry, I am not up for that, I do not have the energy for that.

 

I will not post here because I do not want to get myself gratuitous abuse from my simple offer to help and advice to deeply investigate. I got that and am full of that from the religious people. Just to reread what you said, about I WILL NOT HAVE IT. And think about it, who is talking there? Does it not sound exactly like your parents? 

 

Have nice day and nice life. And sorry if I inadvertenly hurt you.

[Blue]

9 minutes ago, Myrkhoos said:

You have absolutely misunderstood me. 

I have said - I am not saying that you do not feel how you feel, just that the the problem might not be the original issue, like for example having sexual thoughts, BUT the whole swarm of overcomplicating a simple feeling/thought. 

 

I said that, because a lot of the problems overly religious people suffer, like Winnell said, are blowing out of proportion of simple everyday feelings, which in itself is a very big thing. Like she had pacients who had severe worry attacks that because they had sexual thoughts, they were going to rape someone. This is what I mean about overblowing.

 

Again, I have said that many therapists are not trained in cult/religious trauma and suggested you find one.

 

And I have you a link of a free audiobook.

 

What, if any of that, is egotisical or belittelling? In giving you advice to be selective of you therapist, based on their experience and giving you a link? Offering some tips from personal experience and reading material does not seem belittelling. And saying that fear is a consequence of trauma? Do you think I think trauma si some kind of stupid, light thing? If you do, you have not read my other posts. 

 

And i do not like your tone. You will not have it? What exactly will you do , if I post? What power do you think you have , on a free forum? Do you feel some kind of need to assert your power here, because you are unable to do so with your parents? Which I will not, just because I respect your wishes, but really, that kind of agression is uncalled for. That post was slandering, and really came out of your own issues, and had nothing to do with me or what I said. It is your right so say anyhing you want to say and I am not the habit of silencing anyone, like you seem to want to do with me. Please, really, if you have rage issues, keep them to yourself, there a lot of hurt people here and it would be advised not lash out at someone after hastily reading one post, or two. 

 

You want to defend your non binariness and and act with me like you father acts about his religion, with you? Fine, but this EXACTLY the type of behaviour you abhorre in your father. Silencing, preaching, overly defensive, hastily judging, and other things. Your behaviour is clearly tribalistic, you seemed to feel I atatcked someone with gender issues, which I did not, I was grossly misunderstood, so I became your enemy, so that is the emotional charge you have towards me. I am not an enemy, but you seem to want to release some discharged anger. Sorry, I am not up for that, I do not have the energy for that.

 

I will not post here because I do not want to get myself gratuitous abuse from my simple offer to help and advice to deeply investigate. I got that and am full of that from the religious people. Just to reread what you said, about I WILL NOT HAVE IT. And think about it, who is talking there? Does it not sound exactly like your parents? 

 

Have nice day and nice life. And sorry if I inadvertenly hurt you.

I understand you want respond to this, but may you at least read. And try to understand. It is an understandable human urge to want to defend your words and actions, not wanting to change or admit wrongs. I will not get into that of your posts. But you calling out someone who has suffered abuse and telling them they are acting just their abuser is disgusting. It can send the victim spiraling, cause a panic attack or worsen depression. I suggest you not say such things to someone again. That is all.

[Myrkhoos]

27 minutes ago, Blue said:

I understand you want respond to this, but may you at least read. And try to understand. It is an understandable human urge to want to defend your words and actions, not wanting to change or admit wrongs. I will not get into that of your posts. But you calling out someone who has suffered abuse and telling them they are acting just their abuser is disgusting. It can send the victim spiraling, cause a panic attack or worsen depression. I suggest you not say such things to someone again. That is all.

I have read what you said. I have done nothing wrong, so defending myself is natural. I also have my issues, and being called egotistical and elitist does not suit well for me. And I am not responsable for the emotional reactions of others who have deep emotional issues. And I reject your ideas that I do not want to admit wrong or change. That is false. I reject admitting false wrongs, which is a teaching of some religions, and to make forced, weird changes top suit other people who claim authority, which is also a teaching of some religious groups. And also reject responsabilities which are not mine, which again, is a teaching of religions. So I am sorry to tell you, but in this post, you also acted like your parents. Which might hurt, but as you said, if you want to admit wrongs and change, sometime that is very painful. You have the right to agree or disagree, you have no right, however to impose or ask of me the level of care of a parent of professional therapist. 

I will not post here again, this atmospere is not, I think helping anyone. Have, as I said, a nice day and a nice life.

             

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Those security cameras "malfunction" all the time.  Everybody knows that.

[older]

 

20 hours ago, Dreamer said:

I will probably have to result in reporting my father as well as he has been inappropriately touching both Blue and I After the intense argument last Sunday. I believe his new tactic of sexual assault has to do with us finally challenging his authority in the house.

 

I hope you'll call that hotline. Is there a women's shelter you can go to?

 

Here is an idea for some support for a position you've already taken: Try a Google search for "assertive rights." The ideas on the sites that will come up are what you are already doing but worded in a strong affirmative way.

 

I wish there was more we could do. But we are here to listen, and want to be kept abreast of your progress.