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Steve

tired of extreme bitterness from my former Christian life

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I hope 12 years after finally severing ties with anything 'Christian' that I can finally come to rest and find peace as an agnostic.

 

That is what I claim to be, but in reality I still find myself cursing 'god' (always nowhere in earshot of anyone) in a very intense way on a regular basis.

Many thousands of times in the last 12 years. Probably 20,000 times at least.


That's not an exaggeration at all, could easily be more than that when I do the math.

 

I actually don't care about how 'god' feels about it even if he does exist, but it's more about restoring my sanity than anything else.

 

I truly do not know whether a god (lower case intentional) exists but I hope to land on that finally where I don't feel the urge to yell at a god I'm not sure exists anyway.

 

I had god drilled into my head for about 1/3 of my life as many of you have. This could be a reason some people like me have a hard time settling on being an agnostic.


That mental inertia or habit follows you a long time.

 

Many times in my life I was severely burned by Christians and several churches.


It got to the point in 2007 where I finally burned that Christian life to ashes and flushed them and swore never to go back and I haven't and am certain I will never.

 

What plagues me is the inertia from having that stuff drilled into my head so much, starting when I was very young.


When you're young and you're indoctrinated, it's really tough to get that stuff out of your head later on. It's like a brain stain.

 

Suffice it to say however, my worst day as a non-Christian has been better than any day I was a Christian.

 

I was never happy. I was always plagued especially with guilt, but also with depression that was worse than what I suffer from now.

 

I found the worst sins I engaged in were when I thought I was a Christian and thought I was still trying to be one.

 

Severing that part of my life away has caused me to actually 'sin' less because I don't have to deal with feeling guilty to a 'god'. It becomes my decision to see certain things I used to do as being stupid or unwise rather than 'sinful'.  Guilt for the same things is replaced by mere self-ridicule and by being able to live up to a standard that I set rather than one that's forced on me.

 

My morality is about the same, minus the 'god' part of it and like I said above, guilt is replaced with just self-ridicule.


Lots of morality issues you felt guilt about are just dumb or unwise actions...nothing to feel terrorized about which is what guilt does to you.

 

Your thoughts are welcome.

 

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28 minutes ago, Steve said:

I hope 12 years after finally severing ties with anything 'Christian' that I can finally come to rest and find peace as an agnostic.

 

That is what I claim to be, but in reality I still find myself cursing 'god' (always nowhere in earshot of anyone) in a very intense way on a regular basis.

Many thousands of times in the last 12 years. Probably 20,000 times at least.


That's not an exaggeration at all, could easily be more than that when I do the math.

 

I actually don't care about how 'god' feels about it even if he does exist, but it's more about restoring my sanity than anything else.

 

I truly do not know whether a god (lower case intentional) exists but I hope to land on that finally where I don't feel the urge to yell at a god I'm not sure exists anyway.

 

I had god drilled into my head for about 1/3 of my life as many of you have. This could be a reason some people like me have a hard time settling on being an agnostic.


That mental inertia or habit follows you a long time.

 

Many times in my life I was severely burned by Christians and several churches.


It got to the point in 2007 where I finally burned that Christian life to ashes and flushed them and swore never to go back and I haven't and am certain I will never.

 

What plagues me is the inertia from having that stuff drilled into my head so much, starting when I was very young.


When you're young and you're indoctrinated, it's really tough to get that stuff out of your head later on. It's like a brain stain.

 

Suffice it to say however, my worst day as a non-Christian has been better than any day I was a Christian.

 

I was never happy. I was always plagued especially with guilt, but also with depression that was worse than what I suffer from now.

 

I found the worst sins I engaged in were when I thought I was a Christian and thought I was still trying to be one.

 

Severing that part of my life away has caused me to actually 'sin' less because I don't have to deal with feeling guilty to a 'god'. It becomes my decision to see certain things I used to do as being stupid or unwise rather than 'sinful'.  Guilt for the same things is replaced by mere self-ridicule and by being able to live up to a standard that I set rather than one that's forced on me.

 

My morality is about the same, minus the 'god' part of it and like I said above, guilt is replaced with just self-ridicule.


Lots of morality issues you felt guilt about are just dumb or unwise actions...nothing to feel terrorized about which is what guilt does to you.

 

Your thoughts are welcome.

 

 

Hey, good for you!  It is always nice when someone "makes it out alive".  Hooray!

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Welcome aboard, Steve. 

 

It sounds like you're just nearing the end of letting this thing run it's course. Sometimes it's probably best to just go along with the ride. I know myself and many other members have gone through angry stages that eventually let up. But only when they've run their natural course. Maybe you recognizing that you want to change course is the natural course of changes. And then you can finally start leveling out. 

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Welcome to Ex-C, @Steve.

 

When you "curse at god" is that in a kind of indirect cathartic sort of way or do you really believe there is a god that is hearing you?

 

Anyway glad you found us and hope to hear more from you.

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

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Hi Steve

 

Welcome to Ex-C. Glad you've made it out. I'm sure given time that the urge to yell at non existent deities will reduce. You can then replace it with phrases such as "god damn it" which merely reflect frustration at some situation or other rather than actually invoking god to damn it :D

 

One of the important things to consider is that 'sin' isn't actually a thing. Just like hating or being upset with non existent deities is meaningless, you cannot sin against non existent deities. Always remember this.

 

I agree on the morality bit, in fact I'd say my morality is better because I no longer condone immoral acts in the bible, and I actually think about moral situations now rather than being on Christian autopilot. It's too easy to say God doesn't like that. But try and get a Christian to explain why a particular action is good or bad and often they can't beyond "god".

 

Hope your life continues to improve.

 

LF

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7 hours ago, Steve said:

Many times in my life I was severely burned by Christians and several churches.

....

I was never happy. I was always plagued especially with guilt, but also with depression that was worse than what I suffer from now.

 

They are really good at this, aren't they? And guilt is how they exert control.

 

We hope you'll stick around and contribute to the forum.

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I have been out of the cult for over 30 years, and I occasionally feel tinges of bitterness, even now. I just have to keep reminding myself that the bitterness isn't my fault. And you're right...you don't need the invisible man in the sky for morality. You can certainly be a good person without believing in the lie.

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It often takes decades to deprogram emotionally charged "lessons". I find that I (and some other guys) still have a nervous expectation of bullies following me into the bathroom at work, and that shit stopped 45 years ago with grade school. Fear is a powerful thing. Christianity makes us feel guilty and shamed for normal desires, and invents a whole world of invisible creatures good and bad, and puts us in the midst of a constant war over invisible souls, none of which exist. The bible has all kinds of "great and precious promises" that fall flat as soon as you try to claim them, and any recognition of that fact starts a deluge of excuses and accusations by other believers (and silence from god). It is crazy-making, and the god of the bible is an evil narcissist with a psychotic love of blood and burning flesh. 

 

I just had a dream last night of my aging cat being really old and in pain and I was praying for his healing. I woke up and realized, this is just my mind expressing compassion and not to worry about it or get angry. I've had other dreams where my subconscious is working through the ooga-boogas of my former faith, trying to find anything of value and wondering how I will react to various scenarios that play out in dreams. It is my mind sorting and purging old programs, and getting on with life. 

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19 hours ago, Fuego said:

I just had a dream last night of my aging cat being really old and in pain and I was praying for his healing. I woke up and realized, this is just my mind expressing compassion and not to worry about it or get angry. I've had other dreams where my subconscious is working through the ooga-boogas of my former faith, trying to find anything of value and wondering how I will react to various scenarios that play out in dreams. It is my mind sorting and purging old programs, and getting on with life. 

I sometimes find myself doing a similar thing by starting to pray, but then stopping and remembering that it won’t do anything. I never had much faith in prayer when I was a Christian. I know it definitely won’t do anything for me now. But somehow, just the program of praying seems to be something I unconsciously use as an answer. Because I’ve been taught all my life by Christians that prayer is the answer to everything. I guess it’s like loosing a ritual that you knew was pointless in the first place, but you miss the familiarity. 

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On 8/5/2019 at 2:22 PM, Steve said:

 

My morality is about the same, minus the 'god' part of it and like I said above, guilt is replaced with just self-ridicule.

 

 

LOL, that seems to be "par for the course."

 

12 hours ago, Dreamer said:

I sometimes find myself doing a similar thing by starting to pray, but then stopping and remembering that it won’t do anything. I never had much faith in prayer when I was a Christian. I know it definitely won’t do anything for me now. But somehow, just the program of praying seems to be something I unconsciously use as an answer. Because I’ve been taught all my life by Christians that prayer is the answer to everything. I guess it’s like loosing a ritual that you knew was pointless in the first place, but you miss the familiarity. 

 

Try reframing it as meditation, or focusing.  Or verbalizing your desires.  HA! That's my way of rationalizing it.

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