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Kdeaustin

New here, looking for encouragement

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Hello all. 

 

I apologize ahead of time for the length of my introduction. Please bare with me. I’m looking for encouragement, advice, any and all resources, and just personal experience that might help me. 

 

Okay so here it goes- 

 

I grew up in a household with a disabled mom and my great grandparents. My dad was in and out of my life and physically abusive on two occasions, but mostly emotional abusive. My parents used me as a pawn between the two, constantly bashing the other I didn’t know who to like when. My mom could hardly provide for us. I can remember a time in elementary school most likely? That I told her to put back Christmas presents she was picking out at the store for me, bc I knew we couldn’t afford it. Nonetheless, this tumultuous childhood would be the catalyst behind my ever present struggle with anxiety. 

 

My my whole family is basically believers. We live in the Bible Belt so it’s just what you do. Even though not many people exhibit “the fruit of the spirit” in my family. Mostly arguments & impatience & criticism. 

 

I would go to church with my great grandparents a lot, would attend VBS, Sunday school etc. my mom was home all the time because she was disabled & so she watched TBN, 700 club, and all these other Christian shows. So at a very young age she would talk to me about archeological finds that proved the Bible, spiritual warfare, revelation prophecies coming true, groups in other countries where Jesus would visit them, and so on so forth. 

 

I grew up in this environment & went went to youth group. Throughout high school, I would quickly defend the Bible and dismiss anything like evolution that didn’t make sense. I honestly think at one point I believed that Satan placed the fossils in the fossil record to trick people, probably something my mom told me, who knows. I had lots of justifications for things.

 

Anyways, I lacked a lot of attention as a child/teenager that other kids my aged had. So I sought out attention from guys. I had a few “serious” relationships in high school and college. And of course had sex outside of marriage with my boyfriends, despite being a Christian. I also grew up going to bonfires with friends (my non- Christian) friends, where in our small country town everyone drank. So I partied some in high school and college. Did I mention I was at Liberty University for college? 

 

So anyways fast forward to this summer, on June 15.

 

In the recent months before this day, a lot had happened. I had just celebrated my one year at my job, as a foster care worker. I loved my job. And was very good at it. I had grown attached to my kiddos on my case load. I was always overly prepared for every meeting, every court case, everything. I received  praise from my supervisors and their supervisors. It made me feel like I was where I was supposed to be. Where God wanted me. 

 

My my husband and I had just celebrated our one year anniversary. He’s my best friend and the love of my life. 

 

And we had just went through a painful miscarriage. I think the hormonal imbalance from this heightened my already existing struggle with anxiety. 

 

So on June 15, I was reading my Bible. My husband I were attending a baptist church at this time. He grew up German Baptist, which is sort of like Mennonite or Amish. There are differences but the degree of dedication to rules & their religion is on the same playing field. But his parents got a divorce when he was younger and got kicked out of the church. So his immediate family isn’t in the church but everyone else is. All aunts and uncles grandparents cousins etc. 

 

On June 15, I was reading my Bible & came across the verse about the unpardonable sin. I immediately had a bad thought (kinda like don’t think about the red elephant, what do you think about). I freaked out. I thought I had committed it. I was so scared. So scared. I didn’t sleep at all. And that started this downward spiral. In the midst of this I read and read about the sin. I came across this stupid article by John Piper, and he was talking about how really the unpardonable sin is when you act like Esau, sexually immoral and get to a point you can no longer repent. I immediately thought back to my high school and college days of having sex outside of marriage and drinking. I thought omg I cant repent, I’ve always just said “please forgive me for my sins.” And was told God will forgive you for anything. I then read another article by stupid John Piper (who I would just like to point out really must believe he is going to be the only person I. Heaven), who said that if you don’t see Jesus as the most precious gift then you aren’t saved. And I thought I’ve never had that? And that I wanted to not go to hell more than I wanted God. So therefore, I didn’t really love God. I started asking friends and family about their experiences “do you really love god?” “Do you feel genuinely sorry over your sins” “do you hear a still small voice” “do you have a genuine desire to obey him and live your entire life for him” I realized I didn’t have those things. I literally had developed a relationship based off of fear of going to Hell because I grew up going to a fire and brimstone sort of church. I thought I had sinned so much and pushed the Holy Spirit away for good or hardened my heart so much towards God (because John Piper warns of hardening your heart. If you have never read any of his stuff, please go read it, it’s horrifying). 

 

I had to quit my job by the way. Get on anxiety medicine and sleep medicine. I experienced multiple suicide attempts. One where my husband found me hanging by a rope in our attic. He was heart broken. I was heart broken that I hurt him, and that this is what my life had become.

 

i kept praying and begging god to change my heart to love him. To save me. To show me something. A sign anything. But everyday was just another battle of anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I asked everyone why I was going through this and they said God is testing you. I honestly stopped laughing. Stopped eating. Stopped drinking water. I said “what’s the point I’m going to spend eternity in Hell.” 

 

Then guess what. I unexpectedly got pregnant. I was not supposed to be ovulating but I guess the stress of everything had messed up my period. It was really our fault for not being more careful. But I wasn’t supposed to be ovulating. It was supposed to have already been past. And it was like twice we had been intimate in theee months because of what I’ve been going through. People that we told, like my mom and his, said “this is a miracle from god, this is your sign, this is him saying your still his child.” 

 

I was so angry. Angry at them. Angry at god. The first time I got pregnant I literally became a nazi about food, I quit coffee cold turkey, I ate everything fresh and home made. Lots of fruits and veggies. No fast food. I was going to have the healthiest baby. Nothing bad was going in my body. And now this time “god” let me get pregnant in the midst of this horrible hell im in where I just want to kill myself but am too afraid of hell. And I can hardly eat myself or stay hydrated. I had lost 20 pounds. I was furious. But they were adamant this was a sign from god. 

 

The day after I found out I was pregnant I had a suicide attempt but couldn’t follow through because I knew then I would be responsible for two deaths and would surely end up in Hell. (And please don’t think I am a horrible person, I want a baby more than anything in the world. I cried and cried and cried and cried when we lost the first baby. I was utterly heart broken) but not like this. Not in this predicament where I can hardly take care of myself. Where I lost a wonderful job with wonderful insurance and now me and my husband have to pay 400 a month just so I can be in his, where at my job my insurance was free and fully paid maternity leave. I was so angry. 

 

I had always heard that there is power in the word, so I set out to read the Bible from front to back. Something I had never done before. I thought it might change my heart. God might speak to my heart. So I started in genesis and kept going. I then came across stories in the Bible that you don’t really hear preached. About all the genocide and murder and hideous things done by god. I had always just focused on the New Testament. I became angry. I felt like those people. I felt like a pawn in a game just like them. Murdered because they were just being human!!!! Just doing what they knew to do. Just like me. I didn’t have parents giving me a curfew or making strict rules about boys. I barely had parents!!!! I just did what my hormones told me to do!!! And here I was being sentenced to hell for that. I was so angry. I hated god. I hated god for myself. I hated god for the two men in the Bible who were smited just for not wanting to impregnate their brothers widow!!! I just was so angry. I had no desire to worship or follow or love. I thought the whole thing sounded like a game. I wanted to hug Job and tell him “I’m so sorry you went through that, you were a good man and didn’t deserve it.” 

 

But i I knew my hate for god would land me in hell indefinitely. I begged god to change my heart towards him. I asked other Christians how they handled those stories and they just said pretty much “god is all knowing, I’m not, that’s not really his character” whatever else. I begged other Christians to pray for me, pray over me. Everyday I lived in darkness. Can’t sleep without medicine. Can’t hardly function. Just know I’m going to Hell. 

 

I eventually said “idc if it’s real or not I just can’t velieve anymore if I’m going to live a normal life.” 

 

But i knew that wouldn't cut it. But then I started looking up stuff. Came across Bart ehrman and others. 

 

I realized there actually is compelling evidence for why its not real. So for the past few weeks I’ve been immersing myself in this stuff. (I have been thinking about god the Bible and Hell everyday since June 15, all day) it’s miserable. But I’ve started to read. And read. And read. 

 

Everyday it seems like the foundation of my life, crumbles a little bit.., even if just a pebble. My husband is afraid to listen to the evidence because he’s scared not to believe, but he’s even agreed “wow they have good points.” He didn’t even know anything about the fossil record of evolution of humans. But he’s unrelenting. 

 

Anyways, there is compelling evidence. But I still can’t let go, I’m so afraid of Hell. I have spent my whole life countering everything scientists and atheist say that I still naturally do it. But I don’t want to anymore. 

 

I talked on the phone with my mom yesterday who told me she thought demons were just attacking me. And I got even more angry and said well why isn’t god intervening. I told her how a lot of archeologists in Israel are atheists and she said yeah because satan is covering their eyes. I said how is that fair. “Satan is the ruler of the earth.” 

 

It all makes me angry. And I don’t want to believe. And there is compelling evidence. Heck, just the morality of it. 

 

But i I grew up hearing testimonies about demons attacking people, and exorcisms, and people meeting Jesus face to face or in their dreams, and healings, and converts of other religions who met Jesus and all this stuff. Miracles. How do you all reconcile that? Did y’all grown up hearing the same things? (Although I have never witnessed these things) 

 

i appreciate you taking the time to read my post I’m begging for any encouragement, advice, and resources. And wondered if anyone else had went through anything similar. 

 

Thank you for your time. 

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Hi Kde, welcome to Ex-C! Many of us like to say that religion is (excuse my Anglo-Saxon) a mindfuck. When one interprets reality through a filter of myth and lies, and is taught that invisible beings control the good and evil in the world, it isn't surprising that reality clashes pretty harshly with that view. But believers are taught to ignore the clash and re-interpret everything through the myths and lies, all the while chanting about how good God is. It is mind-control, plain and simple. The church is a cult, and like any other cult manipulates people to think that their survival depends on believing something, and believing it in just the right way. This is fear, and programs the brain to think that departing from the myth will doom the person, when in reality the person is simply comparing the myth to reality to find out if it is true or not. You are finally seeing through the programming and are finding your way out of the mind-control with which you grew up. 

 

My church taught us extensively about demons, angels, warfare, we had early morning prayer walks where we'd bind demons and loose the power of God, anointing things with oil, blah blah blah. None of it did a damn thing, which is no real surprise since the bible is a collection of tribal taboos, non-historical myths, and outright lies. The promises are supposed to sound great, until you try to claim them. Then the shell-game begins of excuses, all of which say that God actually answered but it just looks different than you expected. Reject the excuses and get shunned by other believers for questioning God. But in reality, the promises are hollow and useless, because the god that gave them is imaginary, and the words on the pages were written by men with the goal of manipulating and controlling people. And that goal works, just look how many buy into the lies. 

 

Miracles. How many amputees have you seen grow back limbs? I followed a preacher and promoted him for 9 years worldwide, who claimed to have seen exactly that many times, as well as several people raised from the dead. He showed a photo of a little Mexican girl and told us a long story about her being raised from the dead. Oooh aaaah! But in reality, all we saw was a photo of a little girl. That's it. I eventually caught him making up long stories about witches and covens, none of which were true because I had video evidence to the contrary. But he was a great storyteller, and the church ate it all up because it validated their beliefs as reality (but was all a lie told by him to gather in money from every place he visits). 

 

The gospels are not even eyewitness testimonies, we don't know who wrote them. But we are certain that none of the outstanding miracles claimed in them happened, and no one outside of the cult ever wrote about Jesus, just about those who believed in him. The gospels read like a story, and relate conversations that the disciples could not have heard, thus invalidating their "eyewitness" account. Herod's slaughter of the innocents in Matthew isn't a historical account. Most of Matthew's prophecies are taken out of context from the Old Testament, and mean completely different things. Many books have been written about the problems with the Bible, so I won't rehash those here. And as you have found by reading the bible, the god of the bible is an evil turd.

 

But congrats on starting to see through the years of programming! Life and the world are really quite different than you were led to believe in religion. 

 

 

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Welcome to Ex-c Kde. Thanks you so much for sharing this story and for your honesty. Fuego said it right...that religion is a mind fuck. I related so much to your story and I would like you to read my testimony when I first arrived here at Ex-c. I was also suicidal but just did not have to guts to end my life. But I wished every night that I would die in my sleep. I am so incredibly sorry for all the pain you have been through.

 

I was in so much pain. I didn't know where to turn and then I found this website by searching for anything that could tell me if christianity was a big lie. My head spun around for a long time. Stay here with us and we can help you through this. You are not crazy. You are very self aware that something wasn't right about the  bible and christianity. Try not to be afraid. You are about to embark on a new journey that will open your eyes. You will probably cry, scream and go through many emotions as the truth of what you believed will be disclosed by many here. You are going to grieve. Your head will spin. But you are not alone. Keep reading, keep posting. Someone is always here for you. We totally understand what you are going through. Breathe honey and feel safe. You are not going to hell. There is no hell.  It will take some time to understand all of it but if you stay with us, you'll eventually get it. 

 

A month after I arrived here, here is the letter I wrote to god. I hope it shows you that you are not alone with all your questions. Feel peace tonight. I'm so glad you are here with us. Big (hug)

 

 

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Kdeaustin,

 

you need to keep reading and searching for truth.  Watch Rabbi Tovia Singer and jews for judaism on YouTube. When you compare Christianity against Judaism it falls apart over and over.  I’m Jewish myself, but now an atheist. I originally rejected Christianity because of studying Jewish arguments against it. I’m an atheist now but for different reasons.  You need to realize that you have alot going for you. It’s ok to doubt. Life is worth living. Keep pushing even though its a hard road. You can do it. 

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WELCOME KD!  The world needs a thoughtful, honest, rational thinking, caring person like you.  And I know the children in foster care would be fortunate to have you back on the job.  I am a retired Social Worker who spent 20 years working in foster care and adoption agencies.  So please hang in there,  and get back to blessing the world with what you have to offer.

 

I grew up in a more "main stream" Christian group, but understand the "brain washing" we both got.  And my questioning also began when some things just didn't seem logical about our religion.  God seemed terribly inconsistant.  It all began to turn around for me when I stopped praying for more faith, and started praying that God would help me find the TRUTH about religion.  After years of study, I decided our Christian God had been conceived by humans, just like all the other gods of the World.  I became an agnostic. 

 

The step by step story of my spiritual quest is basically a rational, logical approach, and can be found in the TESTIMONIAL section, under the title, "Personal story: TRUTH, A GRADUAL AWAKENING."  Maybe it will help you sort through the things you are wrestling with.  I believe you have great potential, and your coming to this forum shows you have the fortitude to bring out that potential.

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Hi kdeaustin,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and... welcome!  I can definitely relate to so much of what you wrote. I believed with all my heart for a solid 14 years and then, like you, I experienced some life circumstances that caused me to stop giving Christianity the benefit of the doubt.  Once I started looking at the Bible with fresh eyes everything began to unravel quickly. Those Old Testament stories deeply bothered me as well.  I remember reading numbers 31 where the Israelite soldiers were told to kill everyone except for the young women to keep for themselves ( obviously to rape), and I remember just trembling with my heart pounding. I just knew the Bible couldn't be true anymore and I was so angry about it and so upset and so confused and so scared.

 

It's been about 6 years now and I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.  I no longer have to try to make my conflicted illogical worldview somehow fit the reality I'm experiencing. I've learned so much about myself and about others in the last 6 years. I feel truly free.  

 

Although I believe many things differently, at the core, my values are still the same - but now those values are not constrained by anything external and I'm free to truly live by them.

 

You may have some really dark and scary months ahead.  Please hang in there.  I promise there is another side that you'll come out that will be really really good.  You will find true peace and joy.  Your life at that point might look nothing like you ever thought it would but you won't mind in the least.

 

A book that I really loved during that season of my life was "Why I believed: reflections of a former missionary" by Ken Daniels.

 

I also found this site (ex_C) to be a lifesaver - something I could hold on to when I felt very alone. A sad reality is that most people in your life will not be able to understand what you are going through. The Believers in your life will have absolutely no clue. If you're lucky someone will see the light and join you.  But you really can't count on that.

 

In order to preserve their own faith ( which will feel necessary to them for their own Survival) their only option will be to figure out a reason why you stopped believing that fits within their worldview.

 

So it's either because you are never truly a Christian or because you really want to go and sin or because you're really proud etc etc.

 

There is no room for someone who looked with sincerity and concluded that Christianity is wrong about truth.

 

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince people and get them to understand that I was a good and sincere man trying to live the best life I could and just choosing to be intellectually honest.

 

But they won't see that.  You have to be strong in Who You Are even if no one around you truly understands you.

 

That in my experience was the biggest hurdle.  Once you can clear that, things get a lot better.

 

 

 

 

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Hi Kdeaustin:

 

Welcome to the site. Be sure to read Margee's comments twice. She is one of the wisest persons on this site. We are here for you. All your troubles and pain are very, very fresh, and we hope you'll continue to confide in us. Also, we can't talk (literally, talk) here in real time, so in case you have any backslide or feel too overwhelmed, you know there are help lines you can call. I'm hesitant right now to post a phone number until I confirm that any organization I post is secular, but there are places you can go if you need them. Just be sure to ask if they are secular before you start with them.

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Ok, you seem like you need fast some things about psychology of cults and mind control.

 

Read please or listen to books by cult specialists and documentaries about them. Steve Hassan is a prime example, Combatting Cult Mind Control. He was in a Christian Cult.  Not complete but it will teach you a lot about phobia indoctrination and other things. I think it should be first in your list as it could really help with your anxiety.

 

Sorry you feel this way, I keep this post short so you easily follow it. Good things by others have been said already.

 

 

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Hang in there, Kdeaustin. You'll feel better once you learn how absurd those religious teachings are. Here's a brief introduction to the history of the hell doctrine:

 

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There's a serious theological problem with the idea of any sin being unpardonable. Christian theology holds that sin was brought into the world by one man---Adam---and that Jesus was the second Adam sent to repair the spiritual damage done by the first Adam. It also states in verses like Romans 5:20 that the deed of the second Adam was greater than the deed of the first. But if the first Adam brought into the world any sin which the second Adam couldn't take away, how would the second Adam be the greater of the two? If there's any sin which the believer has to go through life avoiding because grace doesn't cover it, then the believer still lives under law and not fully by grace. There are further points to be made, but these generally lay out the problem.

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Welcome to Ex-C, @Kdeaustin,

Glad you found us.

 

In your extimoney you mentioned the abuse by your biological father. That should give you some insight into the tools that many religions use - especially Christianity. They make you believe that your are a POS not worthy of the attention of some unseen, unheard, universe creator. Then they hand you the solution - Christianity (or the like). Your are SAVED (from WHAT you might ask). "Don't you feel all clean and relaxed and loved?"

 

"Now go out there and SPREAD those feelings. Oh! And don't forget to leave your wallet behind on your way out."

 

Religions were invented, and continue to be utilized, to control people. Some despots have such a lust for money and power that they are willing to exploit individuals such as yourself even at the expense of destroying lives. Yes, there are those churches and church leaders who honestly want to ease your worries and make you feel loved. But those leaders, in my opinion, are not really teaching the actual content of the Bible. They are using some bastardization of the collection of literary works that comprise the Bible. They are accentuating the feel good stuff and downplaying or ignoring what horrible and conflicting topics that you and I have found in the book.

 

Reading Bart Ehrman, Richard Dawkins, Richard Carrier, Marlene Winell et el will put you on the fast track to sorting things out. They will help to un-indoctrinate you.

 

Now, with that said, I feel a duty to make it clear that we are a group motivated to assist those leaving the fold to understand the journey and provide a little emotional support along the way. We are NOT psychiatrists and give no indication that we are professionals of any sort. I'm sure you are in the care of a medical professional and you are encouraged to continue in that capacity.

 

Welcome again and I hope to "hear" more from you. Please do keep  us posted on how you are doing.

    - MOHO (Mind Of His Own)

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Kd:

If things get to a point where you feel pushed over the edge, I have verified that this hotline is secular, in case you need to speak to someone. National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255. It's not just for suicide, though. Anyone under stress is welcome to call. It was founded by the federal government, works with the VA, and gets evaluated by a foundation at Columbia University, so I feel comfortable suggesting it.

 

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On 10/5/2019 at 3:22 PM, Kdeaustin said:

But i I grew up hearing testimonies about demons attacking people, and exorcisms, and people meeting Jesus face to face or in their dreams, and healings, and converts of other religions who met Jesus and all this stuff. Miracles. How do you all reconcile that? Did y’all grown up hearing the same things? (Although I have never witnessed these things) 

 

Hello and welcome! 

 

Yes, I heard all of those things growing up. They are very common claims which are probably common to most, if not all christian churches and groups. I've watched people pretend to be possessed for attention. Group psychology and opportunities for attention know no bounds. 

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12 hours ago, Moonobserver said:

There's a serious theological problem with the idea of any sin being unpardonable. Christian theology holds that sin was brought into the world by one man---Adam---and that Jesus was the second Adam sent to repair the spiritual damage done by the first Adam. It also states in verses like Romans 5:20 that the deed of the second Adam was greater than the deed of the first. But if the first Adam brought into the world any sin which the second Adam couldn't take away, how would the second Adam be the greater of the two? If there's any sin which the believer has to go through life avoiding because grace doesn't cover it, then the believer still lives under law and not fully by grace. There are further points to be made, but these generally lay out the problem.

 

Why are you playing in the theist's sandbox?

 

Just asking.

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24 minutes ago, sdelsolray said:

 

Why are you playing in the theist's sandbox?

 

 

I had the same thought.  It is a lot simpler to just get out of the sand box.

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There's nothing inherently wrong with playing in the theist's sandbox.  That being said, there's nothing wrong with occasionally asking the question I posed.

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41 minutes ago, sdelsolray said:

 

 

I am not disagreeing with you at all.  You made a very good point.  I said what I said with tongue in cheek, but don't think this is the time for Kd to be dabbling in doctrine.

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Welcome! I relate to so much of your story. In particular, all the anger with god. I hope it helps you to know that many others have been where you are before. 

You asked for advice and resources so I will tell you what helped me. One of the best resources you will find is Marlene Winell's book called Leaving the Fold, which is written as a resource for those leaaving fundamentalism and belief. It helped me immensely in understanding the extent of my own brainwashing and thought control and the dysfunction and manipulation of the community I grew up in. Marleen is a therapist who assists those suffering from Religious Teauma Syndrome, and she offers individual and group therapy. You can find more information and resources at https://journeyfree.org/rts/

 

It also helped me a lot to read about the experiences of others. There are a lot of extimonies on this site that are helpful that way. Another book that was beneficial to me was that written by ex pastor Dan Barker. And I read a lot of work by Bart Ehrman as you are doing as well as that of Elaine Pagels. Another important thing is to research the idea of hell and how it came to be. The fear of hell disappears when you realize it's just an invention invented by the church to control people's minds and gain money and power for the early church. The concept of hell isn't even included in the old testament. I know there are others on this site that are aware of specific resources in that area. I would like to invite you to join our chat room on discord if you are ready. Most importantly, I would recommend a secular therapist that you can work with in dealing with the trauma. It takes time, it's a long process, one with a lot of grief and anger as relationships with close ones change or even come to an end for some of us. The important thing is that you are able to live your recovery in a space where you can set boundaries from emotional abuse and manipulation (it sounds like you are getting that from your family, gaslighting etc). 

I wish you all the best in your recovery and welcome to Ex-c 😀

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19 hours ago, Weezer said:

 

 

I am not disagreeing with you at all.  You made a very good point.  I said what I said with tongue in cheek, but don't think this is the time for Kd to be dabbling in doctrine.

I guess the two of you missed the point. I was illustrating the weakness in something which had given Kd some serious emotional anguish to which I can personally relate, and the method I choose for doing so doesn't have to meet with your approval.

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6 hours ago, Moonobserver said:

doesn't have to meet with your approval.

 

You are correct.

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Hi Kdeaustin. Change is always scary and the bigger the change the more scary. Nevertheless congratulations on trusting your own (god given?) reasoning abilities and gut feelings regarding right and wrong over the powerful influences exerted on you by you christian pier group to control your thoughts. As you gradually come to trust your own reasoning more and more your life view will become much more firm and reliable than one supplied to you by the group think church goers and the confusing contradictory "guidance" found in their bible. That new foundation will be one you can build on with thoughts than can be trusted and examined as closely as you choose and the fear (unfounded fear} will then start to fade. You might take some comfort from the fact that 2/3s of our present population on earth does not believe in the bible or christianity. If the christian god is so concerned for each and every human how can he do such an extremely poor job of reaching them and then the powerful holy spirit unleashed on humanity some 2,000+ years ago but Islam (which believes it is blasphemy to call the human Jesus a god) is the fastest growing religion set to catch the christian plurality by 2050. You are clearly having a dangerously difficult time with this transition so keep up with secular professional help until you find a safe place in your thoughts and emotions. I hope you will engage with us on the things that are being said here. The more we know about your concerns and what kinds of ideas you find helpful the more we'll be able to help you. We look forward to hearing from you when you have time. Thank you for sharing your story, 

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Thank you Dan for an excelent post.

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Thank you all so much for commenting back to me. I apologize for taking so long to respond. It’s been kind of a rough week for me. I did get to finally go to the doctor and saw my baby, so that was a plus. But it’s been kind of disappointing to not be able to really be happy throughout this pregnancy. The indoctrination of Hell is just so present and so scary. Just the thought of some force getting to rule our life with no authority of our own is just so scary to me. And the notion that we can’t really control what happens to us is just scary. I keep watching videos and trying to learn but it’s so hard to unlearn the things I’ve believed to be true. I’ve learned in life that with anxiety, most of the times when I’ve been scared of something it never happens. So I’m trying to cling to anxiety that way but it’s so real. 

 

I don't have the capacity to reply to everyone right now individually but trust me, I read everyone’s response and took it to heart and truly appreciated it!!!! Margee, I loved your testimony and shared it with my mom to explain how I was kinda feeling. She sympathizes with me. Really well. She is so compassionate. But she insinuates that it’s just a test from God & then tells me about how the end times are coming true. I know people have been saying that for years but she sends me specific things that are happening out of the Bible. Which is scary. 

 

 

Weezer, I tried to read your testimony but it wouldn’t come up. 

 

I have ave a good friend who isn’t a Christian and I keep sending her stuff and she keeps saying “see it doesn’t make sense.” So she has been a big support for me.

 

but I still have big questions that I just don’t know if I will ever have the answer to. 

 

There is good and evil in the world, so where does this come from? Where did we all come from? Is the Big Bang theory really any more plausible than the existence of God? Why does there seem to be crazy things that do happen like people mysteriously not having cancer anymore (this happened to my uncle) he didn’t get “saved” until many years later on his death bed. But I mean there are some pretty crazy things that happen just in general like sighting of “aliens” and “miracles.” And just the very real presence of evil. As far as rape & murder & torture. So it’s  just like where can these things come from?

 

and then my mom has been sending me all this stuff about how the Nephilim are really in Antarctica and the US government is going to enact Marshall law and how they bought a bunch of guillotines and how revelation is coming true right before our eyes? I really want some material that explains everything in revelation to that time. Does anyone know anything? 

 

Sorry thats a lot. Just everything I’ve been thinking. 

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Hi Kdeaustin, thanks for coming back! My own take on evil (generally humans harming other humans on purpose) is sometimes based on religion, as seen throughout the Bible and then in the awful medieval times when the religious inquisitions were happening, and even today from various religions. Sometimes it is based on people disliking things that aren't like themselves. Skin color, political beliefs, the other side of a border, all of which are choices people make to hate. Being in a group that hates others lends a feeling of being special, kind of like in grade school when kids would say "YOU can't be in our special club. Nyah nyah!"  And some people really do enjoy hurting others. I was bullied in school, and was an easy target. I used to wonder why they did this since I hadn't done anything to them. Then I figured out that it was a game they couldn't lose, and that was very important to them (also seen in their devotion to sports and having the "best" team). Nature is full of animals that eat other animals, often while those animals are still alive. Killing is sometimes done to keep the prey from escaping, but not always. In those cases, it isn't about hatred, just about eating. 

 

When I was in church, believers had all kinds of stories about what witches were doing, and would do long seminars about the devil and such. Having left the church and actually talking with several witches and other pagans, they have no such "devil" in their beliefs, and are far more interested in the cycles of nature than in cursing anyone. In other words, the Christians were making it up because it seemed to validate their beliefs. And the "spooky" factor makes it all seem so powerful, and that sells really well, and makes those doing to talking seem important and powerful. I used to go with a group of men around 4am to walk around our city and anoint things with olive oil and pray to bind demons and loose the power of God. Now I see that as a complete waste of time, since there are no demons and no god. The bible is myth and non-historical stories, so none of the ooga-booga in it is any more real than the promises and blessings that fall flat when you need them to work. Other cults like 7th Day Adventists keep doing seminars where they are certain that the government will force people to worship God on Sunday (which they consider the mark of the beast). It's all ridiculous. 

 

There are no giants in Antarctica, or we'd see it being broadcast by scientists and anthropologists. There is no threat of marshal law currently, just an impeachment of the most bizarre president we've had. No guillotines, just hacked voting machines. Yes, the Big Bang is at least supported by investigative science which is always refining and improving on our knowledge base. Substituting a god might feel good, but since all the evidence for a god has fallen flat (constantly broken promises, actual history that contradicts the myths of the Bible, no record of Jesus at all outside of his cult's writings, etc) there is no reason to ascribe reality to such a being (be it the Bible god, or any of the Norse, Hindu, Egyptian, Mayan, or other gods). The Bible god just happens to be popular in our culture. Not so much in other countries. 

 

So, I hope you can find help with your anxiety. There are some supplements that help, some legal, some not. I fight it myself, and need to get regular good sleep, and still have to use supplements that modify my emotions, because reasoning doesn't seem to touch it. It is often a chemical tweak that the brain needs just to feel normal. 

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3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...but I still have big questions that I just don’t know if I will ever have the answer to.

...

Given time, I suspect you will find satisfactory answers to your questions.  Be patient.  Work hard.

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...

There is good and evil in the world, so where does this come from?

...

 

Perhaps you could start with where there is no good and/or evil in the world.  Does it exist on Mars?  Deep in the ocean among the variety of species living there?  Inside of a mountain?

 

Good and evil are generally attributed to the behaviors and actions of moral agents, such as homo sapiens and some other sentient species.  Quantitatively, nearly all human behavior is neither good or evil, but simply neutral.  For example, which foot I use to step out of my front door in the morning (left of right) is neutral behavior.  Whether I choose to have broccoli or cauliflower with my dinner is neutral behavior.

 

All that being said, good and/or evil behavior and actions do occur.  For the most part, they "come from" humans.

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...

Where did we all come from?

... 

The empirical evidence convincingly suggests we (i.e., you, me and other extant humans) come from our ancestors via reproductive processes inherent in carbon based life on Earth.

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...

Is the Big Bang theory really any more plausible than the existence of God?

... 

I don't know.  The BBT (and/or similar cosmological scientific theories) are certainly plausible, as are other well founded scientific theories.  Plausibility does not equate with certainty but simply generates probability.

The existence of God is generally based on religious faith, usually instilled through childhood religious indoctrination by trusted adults.  Based on your posts so far, I conclude you are infected with religious indoctrination.

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...Why does there seem to be crazy things that do happen like people mysteriously not having cancer anymore (this happened to my uncle) he didn’t get “saved” until many years later on his death bed. But I mean there are some pretty crazy things that happen just in general like sighting of “aliens” and “miracles.”

... 

You assume you uncle's cancer remission was due to magic.  Consider it was due to his immune system's action and/or human medical intervention.  Is that plausible?

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...and then my mom has been sending me all this stuff about how the Nephilim are really in Antarctica and the US government is going to enact Marshall law and how they bought a bunch of guillotines and how revelation is coming true right before our eyes?

..

 

Your mother is a nutcase.  Learn to ignore her nonsense.  That will take time.

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...

I really want some material that explains everything in revelation to that time. 

...

I suggest you spend time studying other topics.  Revelations is mythology, politics and nonsense all rolled into one.

 

3 hours ago, Kdeaustin said:

...

Does anyone know anything? 

...

 

Save this question for later.

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