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Giovanni

Christianity Ruined My Brain

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Christianity ruined my brain.

 

I’m 44 and just now realizing how powerful my own mind is, and how powerful I am. Meaning, I work really well without some genie out of the Bible making it happen for me.

 

I grew up in church, my mom was 17 when she had me and she flooded me and my siblings with the omniscient loving father God belief. I always felt chosen and important, like I had to save everyone’s soul. I felt serene and peaceful all the time, knowing that God was in complete control. I never had to use my brain! I only had to just trust God!

 

A lifetime of poor decisions followed. A life of being a kind Christian doormat followed. A life of  marriage to a completed loser who gambled away all of our money, stayed out all night, lied constantly, was a horrible lover, zero ambition, poor intellect and so much more I kick myself for believing in God’s divine plan when I met him. He was a ‘christian’, a pastors son and my mom liked him. So I married him, had 3 kids with him, and took care of him during 20 years of seizures. All in the name of God, love, honoring the Bible, being a virtuous wife, forgiveness and all this other bullshit I believed in and laid down my life for. In the end, after 20 years, he cheated on me, left me for a 40 year old gangster type girl with tattoos up to her neck. She couldn’t spell and she chain smoked newports, she was married when they met and she lied and disrespected me and my kids regularly. This was the big payoff from the almighty loving God. He adorned me in humiliation and pain that ended up sending me to a mental breakdown. My ex husband and my kids supported the new relationship like I never existed. Facebook was also a stage in which my awesome loving God also publicly showed me how insignificant I was and how little my life of sacrifice and devotion meant. Even though my ex husband tried to remedy his mistake and leave her for me 4 times after that, I couldn’t do it. The thought of him made my skin crawl and she was the type of leechy personality that would always be lingering in his life. I knew she had no respect for me or my family but most of all he didn’t have respect for me or his own family. She and I were just a game to him and I was too old for that bullshit. At that point in my life, alone was better than him, and trusting the cold darkness was of more comfort than trusting God. I accepted the loss of my family and started learning how to love myself.

 

It took years for me to come to terms that god did not give a fuck about me. This God of the Bible that I tithed to, cried to, sang to, became ‘like’ as possible, this God I tried to be the best for in my ambitions, interactions with everyone and this God that I loved my family really hard for and prayed for my family all the time for wasn’t interested in my life’s journey. It took me years to realize I was a brain dead human for the first 40+ years of my life. Trusting God inhibited my emotional and mental intellect. Trusting God took my body and gave it to a low life to have kids with. Trusting God destroyed my understanding of how to navigate life like a smart human, how to make good decisions for my well being, how to speak my mind, how to pursue what’s good for me. Trusting God destroyed my brain. And I would say I hate God, but God doesn’t exist. So in turn I hated myself and the life I created until now. It was all a mistake, a huge one, and I have to live with it, all the memories and all the attachments that I created. A life with this God of the Bible left me so wounded, wow, stories far beyond just my family life exist in the archives. Don’t let me get started on what it meant to backslide and how hard I fell when I believed god turned from me and my sinful nature and the ‘devil’ was ‘buffeting’ me. I could write books of epic god-fails. But they are really my-fails. And that truly is the hard part of my existence.

 

I have 3 daughters and a son, I’m sure the faith I taught them has been damaging although they are in their 20’s and seem to live fairly ‘free’ lives. My son is my firstborn and he has been a good person through everything. I am now married to a man that I would have married from the beginning had I had no fucked up religion blindsighting me, having me to think trash was gold and trusting god was life beholding wisdom. My current husband is my best friend, he holds advanced degrees, he’s ambitious and funny and full of zest and enthusiasm for our love and our life. If I had the previous 20 years with him we would have achieved every dream because we both love life and living it to the fullest, we love thinking and reading and making love. It’s like heaven on earth if heaven was such a thing. He’s the man my brain chose. My life now is the life my brain chooses, I have hobbies instead of bible studies, I invest in myself and future with my man instead of tithing buckets. I feel pleasure in a glass of wine and a good meal instead of guilt. I’m back in school, I speak my mind, I don’t need to be liked or approved of by anyone. My brain is a good thing. She knows her shit. I’m just getting to know her. I just need to show her some mercy for all the years she was a fool.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Giovanni said:

And I would say I hate God, but God doesn’t exist. So in turn I hated . . . .

 

I had/still have other targets for my hatred.  When I think about the cultlike upbringing, the lost youth, the life thrown away due to twisted decisions . . . .  I do not know if I will ever get over it, but it has gotten easier to live with over the years, basically “out of sight, out of mind.”

 

Regret over life decisions is like falling through the air thinking, “I jumped off the wrong cliff.”

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Right on! The cult ruins lives left and right and always blames the victims. I gave 30 years and tens of thousands of dollars to the "good news", because of stupid childish fears that led me to a fake god that protects me against fake monsters. Society needs to hear our stories repeatedly to help deprogram the culture from the default honor and respect it gives to church and religion in general.

 

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16 hours ago, Giovanni said:

Christianity ruined my brain.

 

I’m 44 and just now realizing how powerful my own mind is, and how powerful I am. Meaning, I work really well without some genie out of the Bible making it happen for me.

 

I grew up in church, my mom was 17 when she had me and she flooded me and my siblings with the omniscient loving father God belief. I always felt chosen and important, like I had to save everyone’s soul. I felt serene and peaceful all the time, knowing that God was in complete control. I never had to use my brain! I only had to just trust God!

 

A lifetime of poor decisions followed. A life of being a kind Christian doormat followed. A life of  marriage to a completed loser who gambled away all of our money, stayed out all night, lied constantly, was a horrible lover, zero ambition, poor intellect and so much more I kick myself for believing in God’s divine plan when I met him. He was a ‘christian’, a pastors son and my mom liked him. So I married him, had 3 kids with him, and took care of him during 20 years of seizures. All in the name of God, love, honoring the Bible, being a virtuous wife, forgiveness and all this other bullshit I believed in and laid down my life for. In the end, after 20 years, he cheated on me, left me for a 40 year old gangster type girl with tattoos up to her neck. She couldn’t spell and she chain smoked newports, she was married when they met and she lied and disrespected me and my kids regularly. This was the big payoff from the almighty loving God. He adorned me in humiliation and pain that ended up sending me to a mental breakdown. My ex husband and my kids supported the new relationship like I never existed. Facebook was also a stage in which my awesome loving God also publicly showed me how insignificant I was and how little my life of sacrifice and devotion meant. Even though my ex husband tried to remedy his mistake and leave her for me 4 times after that, I couldn’t do it. The thought of him made my skin crawl and she was the type of leechy personality that would always be lingering in his life. I knew she had no respect for me or my family but most of all he didn’t have respect for me or his own family. She and I were just a game to him and I was too old for that bullshit. At that point in my life, alone was better than him, and trusting the cold darkness was of more comfort than trusting God. I accepted the loss of my family and started learning how to love myself.

 

It took years for me to come to terms that god did not give a fuck about me. This God of the Bible that I tithed to, cried to, sang to, became ‘like’ as possible, this God I tried to be the best for in my ambitions, interactions with everyone and this God that I loved my family really hard for and prayed for my family all the time for wasn’t interested in my life’s journey. It took me years to realize I was a brain dead human for the first 40+ years of my life. Trusting God inhibited my emotional and mental intellect. Trusting God took my body and gave it to a low life to have kids with. Trusting God destroyed my understanding of how to navigate life like a smart human, how to make good decisions for my well being, how to speak my mind, how to pursue what’s good for me. Trusting God destroyed my brain. And I would say I hate God, but God doesn’t exist. So in turn I hated myself and the life I created until now. It was all a mistake, a huge one, and I have to live with it, all the memories and all the attachments that I created. A life with this God of the Bible left me so wounded, wow, stories far beyond just my family life exist in the archives. Don’t let me get started on what it meant to backslide and how hard I fell when I believed god turned from me and my sinful nature and the ‘devil’ was ‘buffeting’ me. I could write books of epic god-fails. But they are really my-fails. And that truly is the hard part of my existence.

You didn't fail, you woke up and are thriving. You learned. You were one of the lucky ones. Treasure that instead of looking back. 

16 hours ago, Giovanni said:

I have 3 daughters and a son, I’m sure the faith I taught them has been damaging although they are in their 20’s and seem to live fairly ‘free’ lives. My son is my firstborn and he has been a good person through everything. I am now married to a man that I would have married from the beginning had I had no fucked up religion blindsighting me, having me to think trash was gold and trusting god was life beholding wisdom. My current husband is my best friend, he holds advanced degrees, he’s ambitious and funny and full of zest and enthusiasm for our love and our life. If I had the previous 20 years with him we would have achieved every dream because we both love life and living it to the fullest, we love thinking and reading and making love. It’s like heaven on earth if heaven was such a thing. He’s the man my brain chose. My life now is the life my brain chooses, I have hobbies instead of bible studies, I invest in myself and future with my man instead of tithing buckets. I feel pleasure in a glass of wine and a good meal instead of guilt. I’m back in school, I speak my mind, I don’t need to be liked or approved of by anyone. My brain is a good thing. She knows her shit. I’m just getting to know her. I just need to show her some mercy for all the years she was a fool.

 

 

Yeah you really need to show yourself some mercy and self love.  You should be giving yourself a big pat on the back every day, look at where you are now 👏🏻

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Hi Giovanni:

 

Glad to hear that things are good now. We hope you'll stick around and contribute to the discussions. (And don't forget to work your way over to the News and Humor subforums, too.)

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20 hours ago, TEG said:

 

I had/still have other targets for my hatred.  When I think about the cultlike upbringing, the lost youth, the life thrown away due to twisted decisions . . . .  I do not know if I will ever get over it, but it has gotten easier to live with over the years, basically “out of sight, out of mind.”

 

Regret over life decisions is like falling through the air thinking, “I jumped off the wrong cliff.”

Thank you it’s such a relief to hear such understanding. You said it so correctly, and for the first time I do not feel incredibly alone in that agony of regret that lingers in my soul. I’m happy now and I just want it to go away but so far, out of sight out of mind seems to be the best and at the same time unfortunate way to move on. I really appreciate your feedback on my post... I hope we all find the answers to truly detach from all the years of residue.

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5 hours ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

You didn't fail, you woke up and are thriving. You learned. You were one of the lucky ones. Treasure that instead of looking back. 

Yeah you really need to show yourself some mercy and self love.  You should be giving yourself a big pat on the back every day, look at where you are now 👏🏻

Thank you, it’s amazing how far words of encouragement like this go. I can’t tell you how much it helps my recovery, thank you:)

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11 hours ago, Fuego said:

Right on! The cult ruins lives left and right and always blames the victims. I gave 30 years and tens of thousands of dollars to the "good news", because of stupid childish fears that led me to a fake god that protects me against fake monsters. Society needs to hear our stories repeatedly to help deprogram the culture from the default honor and respect it gives to church and religion in general.

 

So many people fuel their ego with religion. I don’t foresee a day that that will end. But I hope it does.

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3 hours ago, older said:

Hi Giovanni:

 

Glad to hear that things are good now. We hope you'll stick around and contribute to the discussions. (And don't forget to work your way over to the News and Humor subforums, too.)

Thank you! Glad to be here:)

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I'm so glad you found someone to share your life with - someone your brain chose.  I love that. Thanks for your post!

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9 hours ago, Insightful said:

I'm so glad you found someone to share your life with - someone your brain chose.  I love that. Thanks for your post!

Thanks so much Insightful!

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And hello to another Vancouver WA resident! 

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40 minutes ago, Fuego said:

And hello to another Vancouver WA resident! 

 Yeh we are taking over Vancouver lol 😆 jk, I think there is a meetup group out here though:)

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I'm sorry for all the bad things that happened b/c of the "Godly" decisions you felt you were making. A lot of us made those decisions and are regretting them. But in the end. You made it out of the brain washing and found someone you can be truly happy with. That life made you who you are today and probably brings a better appreciation for what you have now. Welcome to the community. It's always nice knowing that there are others just like you out there! 🙂

 

DB

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Hey Giovanni, welcome to our community! I’m so sorry for all the BS you had to endure but congratulations on the journey you’ve made.  So many people here share the joyful feeling of finally becoming who we could have been a long time ago but for the indoctrination of religion.  Good for you.  I hope you’ll stay around and get to know us.  This is a good place. 

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18 hours ago, DarkBishop said:

I'm sorry for all the bad things that happened b/c of the "Godly" decisions you felt you were making. A lot of us made those decisions and are regretting them. But in the end. You made it out of the brain washing and found someone you can be truly happy with. That life made you who you are today and probably brings a better appreciation for what you have now. Welcome to the community. It's always nice knowing that there are others just like you out there! 🙂

 

DB

Wow, thank you. This group is such a breath of fresh air. It’s like we are the brave ones. And guess what!? Without being “Christ-centered Jesus saved sinners” we are kind and caring to each other... who would of thought that was a thing! We are all suppose to be evil and dark horrible beings. It just made my day to read your response. It seems like we all suffered alone for so long, confused and mentally enslaved and the suffering is now over and we are actually not alone. I found my tribe.

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13 hours ago, TABA said:

Hey Giovanni, welcome to our community! I’m so sorry for all the BS you had to endure but congratulations on the journey you’ve made.  So many people here share the joyful feeling of finally becoming who we could have been a long time ago but for the indoctrination of religion.  Good for you.  I hope you’ll stay around and get to know us.  This is a good place. 

Thank you Taba! Finally becoming who we could of been... I think about that so much and at the same time I’m so excited to take advantage of this opportunity for the rest of my life. Life has never seemed so full of hope and I love living now. I hope to finish school and work in helping others recover from religious trauma. It’s such a gift to live in your own power and love for self and life as it actually is. Thanks again.

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3 hours ago, Giovanni said:

Thank you Taba! Finally becoming who we could of been... I think about that so much and at the same time I’m so excited to take advantage of this opportunity for the rest of my life. Life has never seemed so full of hope and I love living now. I hope to finish school and work in helping others recover from religious trauma. It’s such a gift to live in your own power and love for self and life as it actually is. Thanks again.

   

:clap:

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Christianity ruined my brain too and my mental health.

 

I’m so glad you can finally enjoy life and do all the things you want to do with a passion! 😀👍

 

It’s tough fighting the way through to be free from it completely. I’m still on the journey of deconverting and what really sucks to me right now is to see Christianity and things influenced by Christianity everywhere.

Trying really hard to find more non-Christian things literally everywhere.

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