Don't know what to do...

[Art]

5 minutes ago, Art said:

Thanks for your opinion! Though I actually don't think that they are that bad. Last time I was talking with one of the ministers that I always were closer to, he told me that they just care about me, about what my life will be without Christ and how far would I go without guidance of a christian god, and they know about my existential crisis what I mentioned few posts above and it's making them care even more. I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but I think that they really cares about me, but their religious views just giving them worst possible pictures of what will happen to my life without their god. And it's just sad.. About them, not me. I don't really actually care about god's guidance thing. Though I really am in a unstable position right now and don't know how to live my life best outside of my old religious worldview. 

I mean that's what I think is the main reason they don't want me to leave, not the worship team. 

[TABA]

16 minutes ago, Art said:

Thanks for your opinion! Though I actually don't think that they are that bad. Last time I was talking with one of the ministers that I always were closer to, he told me that they just care about me, about what my life will be without Christ and how far would I go without guidance of a christian god, and they know about my existential crisis what I mentioned few posts above and it's making them care even more. I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but I think that they really cares about me, but their religious views just giving them worst possible pictures of what will happen to my life without their god. And it's just sad.. About them, not me. I don't really actually care about god's guidance thing. Though I really am in a unstable position right now and don't know how to live my life best outside of my old religious worldview. 

 

Most Christians are good and decent people.  You can be appreciative of their concern for you while being firm in your determination to follow your own path.  As for that path, there is more help available now for people leaving religion than there ever has been before.  Check out our Recommended Books section.  Hopefully most of these books are available as e-books in Russia through Amazon.  In addition to a lot of good books that show how the Bible is the work of human minds, not divine, there are some good ones on coping with the deconversion process and on how to live a good and fulfilling life without religion, for example "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell.  

 

There is also a lot of good material here in our Forums and Blogs dating back for several years.  Chances are that whatever challenges you face have been faced by somebody else here at some point, so take some time to browse through the various forum sections, especially the "Testimonies of Former Christians" and "Ex-Christian Life" sections.  Finally, if it would help you to chat one-on-one with somebody about anything, please feel free to send me a private message.  We're here to help each other out!

[TruthSeeker0]

On 1/13/2020 at 7:52 PM, Art said:

Thank all of you for your replies! I think my problem is in my self esteem and other psychological stuff. In my life before christianity I've always been unconfident guy who is often difficult to make a decision, who avoids conflicts because he is afraid that he does not have the courage to defend his opinion, in which he is often not completely sure because he often thinks that he is not so good as anybody else. It all got worse when I was diagnosed encephalopathy in my late teens and after that I was just started screwing myself even more and thought that I wouldn't be able to effectively study and learn anything and accordingly wouldn't be able to make a reliable opinion on anything. Well, fortunately I realized that it is just me screwing myself up and things are not that bad) 

Though I'm not so hesitant person today, it's still hard for me to not give a shit on the opinions of people (talking about ministers, not a worship team) whom I have long considered authority and who relied heavily on, literally. These people has done so many good things to me during last 5 years, always were there for me whatever happens and of course I'm considered them my good friends. Maybe this is why I still can't just stop giving a shit and leave the ministry already, deep inside I feel that I owe them for all good things they were doing for me.

 

On 1/13/2020 at 7:52 PM, Art said:

However, yes, it breaks my heart so much that they are so brainwashed by their religion that manipulation is good for them to keep things as they think is right and better for everyone. Just like these prayers when they ask their god to send misfortunes and illnesses in lifes of unbelievers so that those have a reason to turn to this god, "end justifies the means"...

I hope you take heed of this kind of behavior... People who pray for bad things for other people are not good people to be around and the sooner you are rid of them the better. Whether they think they are correct in doing so is completely beside the point. 

 

[TruthSeeker0]

9 hours ago, TABA said:

 

Most Christians are good and decent people.  You can be appreciative of their concern for you while being firm in your determination to follow your own path.  As for that path, there is more help available now for people leaving religion than there ever has been before.  Check out our Recommended Books section.  Hopefully most of these books are available as e-books in Russia through Amazon.  In addition to a lot of good books that show how the Bible is the work of human minds, not divine, there are some good ones on coping with the deconversion process and on how to live a good and fulfilling life without religion, for example "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell.  

 

There is also a lot of good material here in our Forums and Blogs dating back for several years.  Chances are that whatever challenges you face have been faced by somebody else here at some point, so take some time to browse through the various forum sections, especially the "Testimonies of Former Christians" and "Ex-Christian Life" sections.  Finally, if it would help you to chat one-on-one with somebody about anything, please feel free to send me a private message.  We're here to help each other out!

I second this advice. Marlene's book is invaluable and she also runs an online support group for people who have left religion https://journeyfree.org/group-forum/

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Art, before I left religion I had some of those same concerns about becoming more "wicked" if I left.  I had heard all my life that would happen----but---- It DID NOT HAPPEN.  If anything I have become more moral than I was before, and I have noticed the same in others.  You simply are not that kind of person. Your honesty and wanting to do the right thing will serve you well. TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT.

[older]

15 hours ago, Art said:

Thanks for your opinion! Though I actually don't think that they are that bad. Last time I was talking with one of the ministers that I always were closer to, he told me that they just care about me, about what my life will be without Christ and how far would I go without guidance of a christian god, and they know about my existential crisis what I mentioned few posts above and it's making them care even more. I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but I think that they really cares about me, but their religious views just giving them worst possible pictures of what will happen to my life without their god. And it's just sad.. About them, not me. I don't really actually care about god's guidance thing. Though I really am in a unstable position right now and don't know how to live my life best outside of my old religious worldview. 

 

Art:

 

Yes, it is hard to start a new life when so much of who you were is wrapped up in that group. Finding new friends is always difficult. And it is hard to leave people who genuinely care about you. But sometimes that has to happen. It can be done without hurting them. "I appreciate so much everything you have done for me, but now it is time for me to move on." [Repeat as often as necessary.]

 

The fact that you are here discussing this proves that you can do this.

[Art]

On 1/15/2020 at 4:54 PM, TABA said:

 

Most Christians are good and decent people.  You can be appreciative of their concern for you while being firm in your determination to follow your own path.  As for that path, there is more help available now for people leaving religion than there ever has been before.  Check out our Recommended Books section.  Hopefully most of these books are available as e-books in Russia through Amazon.  In addition to a lot of good books that show how the Bible is the work of human minds, not divine, there are some good ones on coping with the deconversion process and on how to live a good and fulfilling life without religion, for example "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell.  

 

There is also a lot of good material here in our Forums and Blogs dating back for several years.  Chances are that whatever challenges you face have been faced by somebody else here at some point, so take some time to browse through the various forum sections, especially the "Testimonies of Former Christians" and "Ex-Christian Life" sections.  Finally, if it would help you to chat one-on-one with somebody about anything, please feel free to send me a private message.  We're here to help each other out!

Thank you so much! The only thing was stopping me from registering on this forum is language barrier. Though I think I know english pretty well, it’s still not easy for me to perceive the text and form my own thoughts into text and I'm getting tired pretty fast during that processes. But I will try my best, thank you again TABA and I will text you a message if I would feel the need! 

[Art]

16 hours ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

 

I hope you take heed of this kind of behavior... People who pray for bad things for other people are not good people to be around and the sooner you are rid of them the better. Whether they think they are correct in doing so is completely beside the point. 

 

I think the thing here is about worldview and personal views on morality etc. Few posts above I said that right now I'm in unstable position about all that things and sometimes even thinking that there's no any sense at all in everything, so as morality, because it's individual for everybody. So if they are thinking that life without god is unfulfilled and after all there is hell for anyone then it's completely understandable from their point of view that all bad things is worth it if it's leading people to god in the end. At the same time this people never would turn their backs for anyone who would personally ask for a help from them and never would say something like "God want you to suffer and it is better for you so I won't help you because it's for your own good". So their basic moral standards isn't different from most of us besides this "praying for bad things" thing and other religious BS. But this is not BS for them and how can we prove that people are wrong about their moral standards (on praying for bad things for this example) if this standards is subjective for everybody? You might say that higher value is well being for example. But for our opponents higher value is people won't go to hell even if it will cost them their well being. And there is no way we can change their mind until they higher value is different from ours. 

Sorry for off topic, it's just that morality is one of the main things that bothers me since I'm no longer a believer. 

[Wertbag]

1 hour ago, Art said:

morality is one of the main things that bothers me since I'm no longer a believer. 

It is worth recognising that Christians do not have objective morality either. Pick any subject, whether it be abortion, euthanasia, capital/corporal punishment, alcohol, or the Harry Potter movies and you'll find Christians on both sides of the argument. The religious cannot agree on any subject, which would not be the case if we had some kind of built in spiritual morals from birth. 

Secular morals are not judged at an individual level but on a societal one. We gain our morals from a range of places such as our parents, peers, educators and authority figures. This does mean that morals are subjective, but comparable to the existing standard society has set. Those standards are not set in stone, but most people would agree we've been moving towards a better, more free and equal standard with things like slavery, womans rights and gay rights moving in the right direction. 

Subjective morals allow continual improvement while objective do not.

[Margee]

On 1/13/2020 at 2:07 PM, Art said:

 how to react if they again claim that I am immoral for leaving the team on it's own etc. I understand that they're just manipulating 
me, even if they think that they doing it for good. But I'm just so exhausted that I literally can't think clearly about that. Everytime when I think I'm ready to tell them that I am going to quit I feel this guilt and shame (even if I actually understand that it's irrational) for what would it be if I leave my worship team on their own. Maybe some of you already been in my situation, maybe you could share links to some videos or text testimonies of those who been. I would appreciate any help.. 

 

Hello Art and welcome to Ex-c. Brownie points to you for staying as long as you have. That's a wonderful human quality you have, to hang out with the band until they get someone else. But as you say, it could take  awhile. People who are so 'nice'  get taken advantage of through-out life. Be careful of that. When the need to people please ends for you, you will be able to shrug your shoulders and walk away and not give a rats ass what they think of you. If you are not in that head-space, you will end up feeling guilty and shameful. Try to work on letting the 'people pleasing' go and then you will be able to nicely tell them that you are leaving. I had a 'sucker' personality my whole life and it is very freeing now not to react when someone tries to manipulate me. Everything I try to do, (even if it is saying no) I try to be as loving and kind as I can.

 

Best of luck to you and keep us posted on how it goes.

[older]

It's raining hard with blowing winds so I've spent the afternoon on the net looking for quotes to add to my collection. Here's one I found for you, from Winnie the Pooh, the most popular character in British children's literature:

 

“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” – Winnie the Pooh

 

 

[TruthSeeker0]

9 hours ago, Art said:

I think the thing here is about worldview and personal views on morality etc. Few posts above I said that right now I'm in unstable position about all that things and sometimes even thinking that there's no any sense at all in everything, so as morality, because it's individual for everybody. So if they are thinking that life without god is unfulfilled and after all there is hell for anyone then it's completely understandable from their point of view that all bad things is worth it if it's leading people to god in the end. At the same time this people never would turn their backs for anyone who would personally ask for a help from them and never would say something like "God want you to suffer and it is better for you so I won't help you because it's for your own good".

 

I wouldn’t assume what people are and aren’t capable of. People are complicated. As someone who had the backs of my family turned on me in a way I never thought possible,  (due to religion) I will tell you anything is possible. And yes, their own need to stick with their religious beliefs and not have them threatened was more important than understanding or trying to understand their own family member. 

I'm simply saying, not relying on religious people would be in your best interest. 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Art, thank you for helping to prompt my thinking, and focus my thoughts. This site has helped me do a lot of that.  All my life I have wanted to know what is in the best interest of humanity, and what is at the core of morality.  I don't know if I am getting more simple minded in my old age, or whether I am seeing things more clearly, but it seems to boil down to some simple concepts. 

 

For mental well-being we need to love and be loved, and to feel worthwhile.  To be worthwhile we need to do something------to give as well as get.  Although I no longer believe Jesus was the son of god, or even if he actually existed, but the words attributed to him very well summarizes how that is accomplished.  LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.

 

That implores you to love and care for others, but does NOT mean you let people take advantage of you.  It also means you love and care for yourself.  Balancing this care for self, and others can get to be a balancing act. 

 

Who is being more selfish in this relationship you have with these religious people?  Who is being more "Christian?"  It seems to me that you as a nonbeliever are being more "moral" than the "christians."  What does that tell you??

 

By the way.  The "love" concept did not originate with Jesus.  But I think the wording attributed to him summarizes it better than the golden rule, etc.  It is one of the most profound, but ignored concepts in the world.  It implies a "feeling" or emotion (care) for others, as well as how you behave toward them.  You actually care about them, as you do yourself.  And that is sorely lacking in the world today.  My sermon for the day!

[Art]

On 1/16/2020 at 5:22 AM, Weezer said:

Art, before I left religion I had some of those same concerns about becoming more "wicked" if I left.  I had heard all my life that would happen----but---- It DID NOT HAPPEN.  If anything I have become more moral than I was before, and I have noticed the same in others.  You simply are not that kind of person. Your honesty and wanting to do the right thing will serve you well. TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT.

I agree with that. Today I'm trying to understand what actually is the best way for ME to make decisions, what is MY personally moral code is, what is actually I AM thinking is wrong or right. I'm almost perfectly ok with the idea that morality is subjective thing, I mean it's still a little bit hard to accept that after years of being convinced about christian morality views, but outside of emotions I completely understand and agree with secular views. Now I need to put my self esteem in a stable position to stop being unsure that I actually can make the right and moral choices without any absolute authority behind.

 

On 1/16/2020 at 8:13 AM, older said:

 

Art:

 

Yes, it is hard to start a new life when so much of who you were is wrapped up in that group. Finding new friends is always difficult. And it is hard to leave people who genuinely care about you. But sometimes that has to happen. It can be done without hurting them. "I appreciate so much everything you have done for me, but now it is time for me to move on." [Repeat as often as necessary.]

 

The fact that you are here discussing this proves that you can do this.

Appreciate the reply!

 

Continuing my reply to Weezer's reply, I want to say that though I'm trying to rely on my own understanding of morality, things are still complicated in some cases.. For example when I'm having conversations with ministers it always baffles me when they are saying something like "How can you be sure that it's not worth it to believe in God when you wasn't listening to this or that preacher or wasn't read to this or that apologetics book" (another words - I'm still wasn't get all possible information on the topic to be able to honestly reject it). And it baffles me because my current moral views won't let me think that I'm a honest person until I'll completely study the question to make sure that there's really nothing left anymore. And yes, if we'll throw away my current moral views, I'm already having information that is enough for me to reject christianity (cruelty of an OT for example), but when it comes to understanding that there's so much information that I wasn't discovered yet (and maybe exactly in some of that books/videos I'll discover the truth), it baffles me so much. Because I understand that in that case to be absolutely honest I must to study all information about all other religions and it would take a lifetime and blah blah blah... Well, yeah, I can make the problem of nothing as some of you might think But I really don't understand how can I honestly reject something until I was studied all information possible even if it'll take a lifetime. Spoiler: I don't want to waste my lifetime on this Any advices? Maybe some of you were in a situation like this.

22 hours ago, Margee said:

Hello Art and welcome to Ex-c. Brownie points to you for staying as long as you have. That's a wonderful human quality you have, to hang out with the band until they get someone else. But as you say, it could take  awhile. People who are so 'nice'  get taken advantage of through-out life. Be careful of that. When the need to people please ends for you, you will be able to shrug your shoulders and walk away and not give a rats ass what they think of you. If you are not in that head-space, you will end up feeling guilty and shameful. Try to work on letting the 'people pleasing' go and then you will be able to nicely tell them that you are leaving. I had a 'sucker' personality my whole life and it is very freeing now not to react when someone tries to manipulate me. Everything I try to do, (even if it is saying no) I try to be as loving and kind as I can.

 

Best of luck to you and keep us posted on how it goes.

22 hours ago, Margee said:

 

Yes, this is exactly my situation! I appreciate your reply, though I'm absolutely not thinking that being with a band in my case it's a good quality. Actually I was with a band so long just because I couldn't say No and putting interests of others above my own even when it's was actually bad for me and my mental health. So yes, I'm trying my best to do what I think is best for me right now, even if it means conflict with people whom I don't want to fight with. Thanks again! 

 

15 hours ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

I wouldn’t assume what people are and aren’t capable of. People are complicated. As someone who had the backs of my family turned on me in a way I never thought possible,  (due to religion) I will tell you anything is possible. And yes, their own need to stick with their religious beliefs and not have them threatened was more important than understanding or trying to understand their own family member. 

I'm simply saying, not relying on religious people would be in your best interest. 

 

I understand now. I'm sorry for your situation, hope you do not get mad at them in return. Thank you for your replies! 

[Art]

19 hours ago, older said:

It's raining hard with blowing winds so I've spent the afternoon on the net looking for quotes to add to my collection. Here's one I found for you, from Winnie the Pooh, the most popular character in British children's literature:

 

“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” – Winnie the Pooh

 

 

Well, it looks like something that we can only take on faith But it's so nice of you to share to me with that, thank you!)) 

[Art]

13 hours ago, Weezer said:

Art, thank you for helping to prompt my thinking, and focus my thoughts. This site has helped me do a lot of that.  All my life I have wanted to know what is in the best interest of humanity, and what is at the core of morality.  I don't know if I am getting more simple minded in my old age, or whether I am seeing things more clearly, but it seems to boil down to some simple concepts. 

 

For mental well-being we need to love and be loved, and to feel worthwhile.  To be worthwhile we need to do something------to give as well as get.  Although I no longer believe Jesus was the son of god, or even if he actually existed, but the words attributed to him very well summarizes how that is accomplished.  LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.

 

That implores you to love and care for others, but does NOT mean you let people take advantage of you.  It also means you love and care for yourself.  Balancing this care for self, and others can get to be a balancing act. 

 

Who is being more selfish in this relationship you have with these religious people?  Who is being more "Christian?"  It seems to me that you as a nonbeliever are being more "moral" than the "christians."  What does that tell you??

 

By the way.  The "love" concept did not originate with Jesus.  But I think the wording attributed to him summarizes it better than the golden rule, etc.  It is one of the most profound, but ignored concepts in the world.  It implies a "feeling" or emotion (care) for others, as well as how you behave toward them.  You actually care about them, as you do yourself.  And that is sorely lacking in the world today.  My sermon for the day!

You know, when I heard something like this from people, especially in church, sometimes it seemed so obvious that it sounded pathetic and ostentatious from them. But reading this from you as from a nonbeliever and a man who's living on this planet alot longer than me (I'm 25 now) makes me wanna respect your life experience and believe that you are exactly know what you're saying. 

[florduh]

Art, you have been indoctrinated and made dependent on the Christian myth and a particular congregation/pastor. You were not broken to begin with and you are fine now. Stop over thinking everything. Upon leaving religion you will not suddenly have the desire to steal, rape and murder. Your moral character need not be dissected and cataloged or compared with someone else's artificial rules of conduct. You are fine. Just go and live.

[Art]

26 minutes ago, florduh said:

Art, you have been indoctrinated and made dependent on the Christian myth and a particular congregation/pastor. You were not broken to begin with and you are fine now. Stop over thinking everything. Upon leaving religion you will not suddenly have the desire to steal, rape and murder. Your moral character need not be dissected and cataloged or compared with someone else's artificial rules of conduct. You are fine. Just go and live.

I understand that. I hope that when I leave my church and things will become a little bit calmer, the answers to my questions will just come out or there will not be any questions anymore. I'm often over thinking many things, that's just a person who I am and I'm trying to not do this. Right now I am really don't know how to think different or not to think at all about that "study everything before you can make right and honest decision" thing. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

23 minutes ago, Art said:

 makes me wanna respect your life experience and believe that you are exactly know what you're saying. 

 

But don't fall into the trap of believing my conclusions (or anyone else) are absolute truth.  I believe there are some universal "truths" that have stood the test of time, and one is that the well-being of humankind depends on humans who are interested in the well-being of human kind, and look for time tested ways to preserve and advance life for one, and all.  Not how to have power over, or be in control of others, or make more money.  That seems to be the underlying motivation of many "religions", or value systems today.  LOL, Does that make sense?  Or is my old brain obsessing??

[florduh]

28 minutes ago, Art said:

"study everything before you can make right and honest decision"

It is not possible for anyone to understand everything or even be aware of every possibility. Your hangup is not specific to religion, it is a treatable OCD kind of thing. You're doing just fine.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

35 minutes ago, Art said:

Right now I am really don't know how to think different or not to think at all about that "study everything before you can make right and honest decision" thing. 

 

You hopefully will never stop thinking, but will find the right time to act.  If that is causing too much anxiety, listen to what florduh said above.

[Art]

12 minutes ago, florduh said:

It is not possible for anyone to understand everything or even be aware of every possibility

I agree. I'm still not totally ok (though I'm convinced that it's true) with the fact that there's probably no any possibility that one day we will know anything absolutely objectively and that discovering the truth is a lifetime process, not a single event (as within christianity). Thank you! 

[TruthSeeker0]

9 hours ago, Art said:

I agree with that. Today I'm trying to understand what actually is the best way for ME to make decisions, what is MY personally moral code is, what is actually I AM thinking is wrong or right. I'm almost perfectly ok with the idea that morality is subjective thing, I mean it's still a little bit hard to accept that after years of being convinced about christian morality views, but outside of emotions I completely understand and agree with secular views. Now I need to put my self esteem in a stable position to stop being unsure that I actually can make the right and moral choices without any absolute authority behind.

 

Appreciate the reply!

 

Continuing my reply to Weezer's reply, I want to say that though I'm trying to rely on my own understanding of morality, things are still complicated in some cases.. For example when I'm having conversations with ministers it always baffles me when they are saying something like "How can you be sure that it's not worth it to believe in God when you wasn't listening to this or that preacher or wasn't read to this or that apologetics book" (another words - I'm still wasn't get all possible information on the topic to be able to honestly reject it). And it baffles me because my current moral views won't let me think that I'm a honest person until I'll completely study the question to make sure that there's really nothing left anymore. And yes, if we'll throw away my current moral views, I'm already having information that is enough for me to reject christianity (cruelty of an OT for example), but when it comes to understanding that there's so much information that I wasn't discovered yet (and maybe exactly in some of that books/videos I'll discover the truth), it baffles me so much. Because I understand that in that case to be absolutely honest I must to study all information about all other religions and it would take a lifetime and blah blah blah... Well, yeah, I can make the problem of nothing as some of you might think But I really don't understand how can I honestly reject something until I was studied all information possible even if it'll take a lifetime. Spoiler: I don't want to waste my lifetime on this Any advices? Maybe some of you were in a situation like this.

Yes, this is exactly my situation! I appreciate your reply, though I'm absolutely not thinking that being with a band in my case it's a good quality. Actually I was with a band so long just because I couldn't say No and putting interests of others above my own even when it's was actually bad for me and my mental health. So yes, I'm trying my best to do what I think is best for me right now, even if it means conflict with people whom I don't want to fight with. Thanks again! 

 

I understand now. I'm sorry for your situation, hope you do not get mad at them in return. Thank you for your replies! 

Yeah, I got mad at them in return. If there's anything I've learned after leaving religion it's that emotions are ALLOWED. I'm allowed to be angry and upset. No more of that garbage "being angry is a sin" crap. I processed my feelings on my own. They didn't know how I felt (I only told them they had hurt me). 

So yeah when I get "I hope you didn't have feelings" I'm like hell yes I did and there's nothing wrong with that. It's what we do and how we deal with those feelings that matters. 

[Art]

1 hour ago, TruthSeeker0 said:

Yeah, I got mad at them in return. If there's anything I've learned after leaving religion it's that emotions are ALLOWED. I'm allowed to be angry and upset. No more of that garbage "being angry is a sin" crap. I processed my feelings on my own. They didn't know how I felt (I only told them they had hurt me). 

So yeah when I get "I hope you didn't have feelings" I'm like hell yes I did and there's nothing wrong with that. It's what we do and how we deal with those feelings that matters. 

I totally agree with what you said here, yeah, emotions are natural and absolutely allowed. I just hoped until the very end that everything was not so bad.

I wish you the best in your situation. 

[Myrkhoos]

I know this desire to absolutely know everything before you reject it. It is a variant of the need for total certainty, I think. Alas, that does not seem to be possible for humans, ot at least now. 

I thought like this.

 

Christianity says that God is a being with infinite knowledge and power who has created me. As such, it is his responsability to show me exactly what I need so I can believe, not mine, a limited being with biases and prone to error.

 

So to repeat, I think it is not MY duty to study christianity fully, it is GOD s responsability to show me exactly what is the truth. - altough I actually like studying church history and the psychology of christianity in particular and religion in general. It just seems fascinating to me.

 

About morality. - Does that mean how to behave towards others? Well this seems to come also from a short study of your biology. You probably feel the need for safety and connection, as do most mammals. So act in a way that brings that to you, most probably, and so you can live  in a society that brings more safety and affection/connection. If you steal/lie/cheat/kill without discrimination, it obvious you destroy or damage your safety and connection with others. I think this sounds like a good principle. What brings safety and connection. Does exploiting others bring that? Obviously very little to my mind. 

 

Of course things, practically, are in the gray area, but so are things in christianity most of the day. That is way the ability to forgive, or another expression to let go of grievances, which involves processing pain and loss in a non harming manner, or not very harming manner is also necessary. 

 

And anyway there are, it seems, psychopaths who do not feel/think normally, even with the most strict teaching. I suspect, upon listening to some podcasts, that there is a problem with their neurology/brain. But those people would probably be killers and rapists and exploiters regardless of any religion/philosophy. The lack, it seems, the ability to feel certain kind of fear and connection, so lacking these main elements, only weird pleasures remain for them , like sexual pleasures, power, etc. These people need treatment and, if nor possible,  confinement. 

 

It is possible you could benefit from certain kinds of therapy, by the way for these emotions/feelings.