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Mama28

Still Untangling

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Hello. I just typed out a very long post and accidentally deleted it. Ugh. Anyways I am 37 and was in and out of church most of my life. I tried many different times and many different ways to “get closer to God” always wondering what I was missing. Pray more! MemoriZe and meditate on scripture! Just have faith! Don’t question! Have more unwanted sex with your husband! The list goes on. I always ended up short. Always felt like I didn’t belong in the church circles. Always felt shame for not being able to love my husband the way others seemed to love theirs. I hastily got married young after getting pregnant by someone I barely knew. I proceeded to get caught

up in the Christian, homeschool, large family movement. And had 8 kids. I love them dearly. But 15 years of nursing, breastfeeding, and isolation took a severe toll on me. After my last child I was very suicidal. My husband didn’t take it seriously. Through a series of unfortunate events I was connected to a Christian therapist who has been amazing. Anyways a year ago I really started trying to get to know myself and focus on my health. I realized I am gay. Took me a long time to begin accepting it. I am still in the process. But I have no idea how I will untangle the choices I have made in order to live my truth. And I still have the religious voices in my head that tell me I am shameful and undeserving of love and I will go to hell. I was excited to find this site today. I have read a few threads and it was a breath of fresh air. I look forward to interacting with you all.

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Welcome to Ex-C, Mama28!

 

It's never too late to re-invent yourself. You will find lots of support and tips on this site.

 

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WELCOME!  If you haven't been there yet, you may find the TESTIMONIAL section to be very helpful. 

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Glad to see you made it.

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32 minutes ago, Mama28 said:

Hello. I just typed out a very long post and accidentally deleted it.

 

To echo everyone else, welcome!  Side note, I usually type those on Notepad or some such (Pluma these days).  Learned my lesson some 25 years ago after typing a few long notes into automated patient records only to have the system crash.

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2 hours ago, Mama28 said:

But I have no idea how I will untangle the choices I have made in order to live my truth. And I still have the religious voices in my head that tell me I am shameful and undeserving of love and I will go to hell. I was excited to find this site today. I have read a few threads and it was a breath of fresh air. I look forward to interacting with you all.

Welcome to Ex-c Mama28! So glad you found us! You stay here with us and we can try to help you untangle yourself! You let us know when you're ready to begin!  You are not shameful or undeserving and you will not go to hell because there is no hell to go to! So, you stick around and you'll learn why you are OK just as you are. Big (hug)

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4 hours ago, Margee said:

Welcome to Ex-c Mama28! So glad you found us! You stay here with us and we can try to help you untangle yourself! You let us know when you're ready to begin!  You are not shameful or undeserving and you will not go to hell because there is no hell to go to! So, you stick around and you'll learn why you are OK just as you are. Big (hug)

Thank you so much. I have been in this process for a year now. It’s hard. But I am so glad to find others to talk to and guide me.

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Welcome. Glad to see you have awoken, Stay strong and keep up the fight against the old ways of thinking.

 

You don't need that baggage anymore, You are free!!!

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Another voice here welcoming you. Feel free to vent, dump, or whatever you need, anytime you need to do it. Many of the folks here have been down the road you are on and are great listeners and helpers.

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Welcome aboard!!!

 

 

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Thanks everyone! This is definitely a long process. I was reading an old book about positive thinking and it said something about the “laws of God” and I automatically felt shame for being gay. It wasn’t even taking about sexuality but my mind has been trained to go there. Ugh!

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11 hours ago, Mama28 said:

 and I automatically felt shame for being gay. It wasn’t even taking about sexuality but my mind has been trained to go there. Ugh!

 

It will gradually fade away.

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You totally deserve love and you will not go to hell!!!

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On 2/7/2020 at 8:29 PM, DestinyTurtle said:

You totally deserve love and you will not go to hell!!!

I hope you are right! Life feels so empty and meaningless right now. I spent so many years believing my purpose was to raise “arrows for Christ” and to live my life to “glorify God”. Now what? My life is a mess. For so long I was taught that human desires are bad and sinful. And just to be honest my desire to be with a woman grows stronger and more overwhelming everyday. Sorry if that’s TMI. 

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So sorry you feel this way,  I know things look bleak at the moment, But remember that in time it will get much better.

 

As the old saying goes, Time heals all wounds.

 

Always remember that you are NOT going to hell, Hell is only a work of fiction.

 

A little bit of wisdom I have learned is that the brain is a liar but the body is always truthful.

 

Your brain is telling you the lies that your desires are wrong and sinful, Because it is still running on the old bible program that was installed in it.

 

However your body knows better since it can't be programmed in that way.

 

It's time to unninstal that old program that no longer servers you, I am confident that you can do it! 

 

Remember we're always here for you! :)

 

 

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I was going to say what AP just said. It takes time to get rid of the old programming, especially because we were taught it was necessary for survival. But it turns out that the Bible conditions us to submit just like a beaten wife submits to a violent narcissist husband who always blames her for the beatings. They call it "love" but it is far from it.

 

You found yourself despite all of that, and that is amazing and wonderful! One of my best and closest friends is a lady who realized after years of marriage that she is gay. It was a huge life change that rocked her to the core, but now she's happier and following a path in life that she loves. 

 

Another friend from grade school figured out after years of marriage that she was only doing what others expected of her instead of following her own desires for her life. Again, huge change and having to deal with family drama, but she's on a path now that she defines as she goes. There is no right and wrong to it, just being authentic and making choices, instead of conforming to someone else's demands and desires.

 

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3 hours ago, Mama28 said:

I hope you are right! Life feels so empty and meaningless right now. I spent so many years believing my purpose was to raise “arrows for Christ” and to live my life to “glorify God”. Now what? My life is a mess. For so long I was taught that human desires are bad and sinful. And just to be honest my desire to be with a woman grows stronger and more overwhelming everyday. Sorry if that’s TMI. 

It's going to take some time to recalibrate your needs with your values so you should be patient with yourself. It's a real mindf*ck to realize almost everything that you've been taught is false. It's been more than a decade since I've deconverted and it's been quite a roller coaster ride, but I feel like my life is meaningful and I'm sure you can get there too (without religion). Good luck, and cudos to the courage it took for you to get to where you are now :)

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Hang in there mama28.  Are you following the thread here in INTRODUCTIONS, "losing my faith while defending myself"?  This discussion should also help you.  l commend you for your honesty and valid insights.  They will help carry you through.

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Welcome to Ex-C. Glad you've found us and I hope we can all help each other.

 

Feel free to ask any questions or reach out if you want to talk about stuff.

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Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. It’s amazing how much more accepting and friendly people are “in the world” than “in the church”. My whole adult life I never felt like I fit into church and homeschool Crowds. Everything is so black and white and people are so judgy. 2018 was my last big attempt to live the “Christian” life. By the end of it I was very hurt by zealous friends and also began the process of realizing I am gay. Then last year I fell deeply in love with a close friend. I never told her. We had a falling out. I have suspected that she may have also get something for me but I believe that religion and patriarchal obligations caused her to push me far away. That experience has just caused to walk further away from religion. 

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Welcome, Mama28,

 

Glad you came here and glad you began the self-examination that has led you to new revelations about yourself.  As others have assured you, there is no hell.  It does not exist, except in the minds of Christians.  Yes, it is a mind thing, a form of brainwashing that Christians specialize in as they read scriptures to you out of context, fill you full of false guilt over non-existent “sins”, tell you adamantly what their false God demands of you (in your case, marriage and eight children) when they don’t even comprehend that an infinite God (as they claim to follow) cannot be understood by a finite human, yet they define their god in great detail in such a way to ensure they control you with the fire and fury of their so-called infinite God.

 

Undoubtedly, you have been through hell, a man made hell, and now is the time to continue what you so wisely started.  Continue to work toward freedom.  You have come to the right place!

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12 hours ago, Overcame Faith said:

Welcome, Mama28,

 

Glad you came here and glad you began the self-examination that has led you to new revelations about yourself.  As others have assured you, there is no hell.  It does not exist, except in the minds of Christians.  Yes, it is a mind thing, a form of brainwashing that Christians specialize in as they read scriptures to you out of context, fill you full of false guilt over non-existent “sins”, tell you adamantly what their false God demands of you (in your case, marriage and eight children) when they don’t even comprehend that an infinite God (as they claim to follow) cannot be understood by a finite human, yet they define their god in great detail in such a way to ensure they control you with the fire and fury of their so-called infinite God.

 

Undoubtedly, you have been through hell, a man made hell, and now is the time to continue what you so wisely started.  Continue to work toward freedom.  You have come to the right place!

I love everything you said here. During all of the times of doubt, the answer was always, you need more faith! Your unbelief is keeping you from Gods presence. Blah blah blah. It’s amazing how firmly implanted these beliefs are in your mind. And the prevailing thoughts I struggle with are fear and guilt. I fear judgement. I fear failure. I fear what my children will think of me. I fear of being alone. And thoughts of hell still Float through my head. And then there is the guilt of having so many children in a loveless marriage. 

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Guest freedwoman

Hello. I am so sorry you suffered so much. You deserve to live your life your way. Glad you found this place. 

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