Here's That Sign From God You Were Looking For, Unsure Christian...

[ag_NO_stic]

Hi, dear readers, I hope you're okay today. I know that if you're reading this, you might be reading it as someone who has already accepted these truths or as someone who might be still be getting in touch with the oddly spiritual side of human beings, which I completely respect.  This message is, of course then, not for you. If you're reading this as a Christian and your heart is breaking, you're scared, you have spiritual and emotional and psychological turmoil, or your soul is not at rest, then this IS for you. You would be foolish not to see this as the direct answer to your prayer that it is, there is no getting around that. A few years ago, very soon after I took a step back from Christianity, I was on these forums a lot because my life was chaos. I didn't know what I believed, I felt like I had to throw everything out and start over with all of my values, I relied heavily on relationships with and posts from many of you. I didn't know what to believe at ALL, but I knew I had silenced a small voice in myself for a long time that protested parts of the faith I was being taught. That voice has been largely inexplicable to me, as a psych nerd who believes in socials constructs. Where did it come from and why did it defy what I was being taught and why was it in defense of GOODNESS? As you read, consider what it means to be "of the world," and ask yourself if your reaction to what I have to say is negative, could THAT be of the world? Could it be that I make sense in a way that scares what you know? And things making sense are scarier than things not making sense?

 

Allow me, anxious reader, to "speak for God" here. You've been praying, right? Begging God to remove or ease your doubts, maybe give you answers you're seeking? You perhaps want the sign you're asking for to be very clear and direct, no bull"crap."It shouldn't be vague at all, it should be at YOU, so that YOU KNOW that it was meant from YOU and not someone else. Well, let's check your symptoms. Are you doubting and anxious? Are you scared and clinging to God, willing to do anything (short of "sacrificing your child," you're no Abraham) to show you "believe" all this to avoid your feared consequence? Are you seeking after God and goodness and truth but afraid it's leading you to the world and a place of coldness and lonely aimlessness? Then yes, this message is for you. You might be wondering how on earth someone whose username is "ag_NO_stic" which literally means "doesn't know" could magnanimously relay such truth or deign to be so bold. Perhaps your skepticism has increased, since I belong to a group of people who are different from you or proclaim to have arrived at a truth with which you don't agree. You're not sure and that fear is terrifying. I've been there too, reader, I have felt your same fears. Everything is going to be okay. What I have to say is either truth or it's not truth. And God IS truth, right? If you're seeking after HIM, then HE should help you sort that out, right? Praying for wisdom I hope?

 

It's important for you to see, reader, that we all have NO ONE'S understanding but our own. As a Christian, I used to say "I understand you have questions, but you cannot rely on your understanding, you have to rely on God's." How odd. That means either, "I have God's understanding in the first place," or "I'm relying on my own, narrow-minded understanding of God and I expect you to do the same." The person saying that is, in fact, relying on their OWN understanding of God's understanding (or they've been endowed with God's understanding to begin with. If that's the case, and you're a believer, than you have this as well.). You cannot rely on God's understanding with God's understanding, it must be your own. It is therefore your responsibility to be as informed as possible on things, to use a heavy eye of discretion, and to determine what "God" is so that you can pursue Him. You are daily presented with things that YOU decide are either sinful or not on behalf of God, based on your beliefs about God and what He wants. If you think that's not you deciding, but God, I encourage you to get into a discussion with a fellow believer on salvation or controversial "sins" like drinking or homosexuality. What is a "controversial" sin anyway, why are so many "believers" "fooled" by other "believers?" What is there, amongst believers, to be "fooled" about? You all believe Christ died for your sins, go and sin no more, when you do, like repent right?n Oh you can't even agree on what salvation is? You can't agree on who Jesus is or what sin is? Then perhaps you should get that figured out before you project Christianity onto those who have no idea what to believe amongst the different sects of Christianity.  Perhaps all the quibbling over what is or isn't sin is the PROBLEM, that kinda seems like what Jesus was saying. It's because humans, as the beings we are, like to group ourselves based on who we agree with and who we don't. Look, the evil OTHER Indian tribe over there! THEY are not like US, THEY must be FOUGHT. Look, the evil OTHER Democrats, the evil OTHER people of [insert skin shade here]. Here is history in a nutshell: " [Group A] should NOT have done [terrible thing] to [Group B]; they deserve no understanding now, they should have known better, they are 'ignorant of what REALLY matters' which is ______ . Now, I know some of you are saying we should know better, but instead of leaving GROUP A alone to learn their lesson and live their own lives, they should be punished and WE, the pure of heart, are going to _______ the offending party in retaliation!" Why do you believe you, in your OWN understanding, know the truth and other "Christians" still just need to "get there" when "God tells them," as they say the same to their friends about you. They will rely just as much on their understanding as you with yours, both in defense of God, though He is strangely silent. Perhaps "God" or "truth" is BOTH of you not relying on your own understanding? So, if you're both arguing for God, perhaps the fact that you are BOTH seeking to honor "God" is the common thing worthy of celebration and what "unites you in Christ?" That pursuit leaves little time for meddling in others' lives or offering your opinions, though they are unwanted. That's the funny thing about those of us who have said, "I don't understand at ALL, I am just trusting in God," because we are still relying on OURSELVES to interpret whatever messages we believe. "God" could send you 100 messages, but if you don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear, you will find him still silent. 

 

A philosopher might say, "A fish might swim around frantically in search of water, like we do with God" to mean that you are trying to avoid "the world" or sinful flesh that you are captive to in search of something that is literally the basis of your existence. The fish has no concept of no water until it is yanked OUT of the water and given a taste of a new perspective with ultimately leads to death. The fish dies or returns to the water with a completely new understanding of its place in the world. Assuming fish sentience of course. This illustrates well that you CANNOT avoid "the world" you fear and you cannot "avoid" the God you are surrounded by. It's all one big mess. You are trying to cling to belief when it no longer makes sense to you, something the human mind cannot really do. The laws of emotion, persuasion, mathematics still apply to you, the laws of reason and logic, of thinking and empiricism. You can't just reject gravity and substitute your own, you must work within what you've been given.  I stopped frequenting these forums and needing to pour over the reassuring posts of others awhile ago, because my soul (if you're not too much of a spiritual person, consider it my "consciousness" as we are likely referring to the same feeling) knows I'm okay now. And that's why I'm writing this post. If even one of you reads this and finds comfort, the time I'm taking for it will be worth it. I'm writing exactly what I feel I needed to read when I was where you are now. If you click out of this post, because you reject what I'm saying, you are free to do so. But you must realize you are relying on your OWN understanding of God and truth in rejecting what I am saying, you are choosing to believe in attributes that humans have given to god, not the attributes of "God" as you experience them. Examine how you got to Christianity in the first place and realize, in the scope of human history, WHY you believe the things about God that you do. I realize you believe God's plan of salvation included your birthplace, which may not be wrong, but isn't that exactly what a Muslim would say? Again, allow me to remind you that if you are springing forth with an "answer or rebuttal" to that, then you should reexamine your thinking. You're not changing MY mind, you're arguing with your own. If something is true, it is true, your belief otherwise cannot make them false. If they are false, your belief cannot make them true. This is "God" and the law of "truth." You pursuit of both is a glory, not something to be feared. Your "answers" do not change truth or the minds of others. You, of COURSE, believe your faith is the one that will get you to heaven. For YOUR intents and purposes, it does! So what does it MATTER if a Muslim believes his is the only way? You don't change truth, you only illustrate your odd, greedy need to have a monopoly on salvation. You and the Muslim will both believe your ways true and you will both find out "in the end". The objective truth, at the end of the day is that no one makes it out alive, most species fear death and try to avoid it, and we all find God for ourselves. To some, "God" looks like pursuit of the arts and creative replicating of patterns in a beautiful way. To others, you find God in math or science or logic or other humans. Maybe you find God in people. But the second we all realize we don't know ANYTHING personally about what happens when we die is when we must come to terms with what death is. Why the subject is fearful to you. I encourage you to listen to that sense of justice and mercy, it is not for no reason that you find the man-made concept of hell to be fearful and not of God.  

 

I'm not sure if you paid much attention in history class, but there are MANY historical examples of people pursuing religious freedom from persecution. That's how my country, the US, was born in the first place. No offense, but I used to view history from the side of the Puritans, where all this mess happened because we left God. Now that I have a new perspective, I see the merit of the church's tyranny and how so many people felt in wanting to worship as they saw fit and not as they were told by an overly legalistic body of people. When you think about the history of things, we've been questioning what you're freaking out about for a long time and we have all sorts of words we've used over the years to describe the same patterns. Have you ever talked with a silly non-believer who had no interest in or understanding of the concept of baptism? That's because that term is used in your "language of faith." You use various shared terms and do various shared routines together, because it has meaning for your church or small group. It's SHARED meaning. To think of a humorous spin for a moment, the atheist might see a crazy person squawking on about the holy water, the devil, and somehow a bath is involved in you. What point is there in discussing a "baptism" out loud unless there is another person around who knows what you mean by it to dialogue with you? Here's a crazy thought for you: how do you KNOW what other "believers" even believe and why should it be any of your business? Think about a "chair," where we all know how to define it to some degree or we might have a picture in our mind but our IDEA of it is different with each person. There must be a PATTERN for it to be a chair. A four-legged seat with a back? Oh, your chair didn't even have legs? Oh, so it's just a place where we sit..... And that's just about a CHAIR. So what are the patterns of the unseen? Do we assume it's good? A God of Love, Peace, Patience? We understand all of these concepts with warmth. Judgment? Wrath? Loneliness? Gnashing of teeth? Fear? Anxiety? Shame? It's a cold, "godless" feeling. I wanted to put a pun here about hell being particularly warm, but it seemed tactless.....

 

How would a fish who didn't believe in water differ from a fish who did? Particularly if they both believe fervently and end up as dinner the next day. Did their beliefs do.....anything? Except shape their life in a meaningful way? If the spiritual is what you seek, then don't deny your spirit truth just because it's not what you've heard before. Judgment and the issuing of shame onto anther would not be of God, but of the world. Come on, person, you KNOW when someone is truly caring for you and asking you to consider changing your behavior for your own benefit and when someone is being all snooty about how you did something that is "not what THEY would do." You know, that awareness of things that you define as "good" in you knows. If you start listening to yourself a little more, instead of others, you'll notice when you're doing things that "sin"  against the "temple of the Christ" within you. Please consider that the negative emotions and worries you have right now, fears of hell or punishment or something BAD, Scripturally speaking, are not of the God you believe in per the word you believe is from Him. Casting the fear away to find what is right is a GOOD thing, pursuit of truth (truth = God) is the pursuit of God! Worrying that "science will prove your faith wrong is doubt, science will never disprove God, only limited human understanding of Him!  Psalm 34:4-5, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." I forgot, possibly a New Covenant-er among us, so here goes, Romans 10:11, "For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”" Maybe, if you think about the concept of language again, you will begin to read Scripture in the language it was intended. Perhaps weird things that don't make sense make more sense in their language. "Blood of Christ?" "Dying to the Flesh?" "Baptism in the Body?" You might even have your own lingo with other Christians. You've long heard that "Scripture interprets Scripture." So....perhaps you should look into how the Bible DEFINES THINGS before you run with what OTHER people tell you it means. That's the transcendence of this book. I will wait on the "fishers of men" parallel here......

 

Right about now, you should be breathing a little easier. In fact, take a deep breath, relax any tension in your shoulders, let go of any clenches in your jaw or furrows in your brow. Just realize something fairly simple. You have been taught everything you fear. Please read this again, HUMANS have taught you everything you fear. Dumb humans. Humans that, if you think about, may not look as much like Christ as you'd hope. The humans who taught you to fear a consequence when you die are, themselves, acting out of fear in ways that can be painful and psychologically damaging. In your fear, your terror of what will happen, ask yourself how much you KNOW that still small voice within you. Have you ever listened to it? Have you been taught by people that it is sinful because of human intuition or just never thought about it, maybe? That sense of inner well being has all sorts of names, but when it's good your "spirits are high," and when your inner wellbeing is down, you're "in hell on earth." You learn about the Holy Spirit in church like it's a distant, holy thing somewhere out there in "God's temple" in "heaven" and somehow also inside you. You learn about sin like it's an evil serpent instead of your own natural ignorance or poor decisions. God gave YOU a brain, you likely believe He designed your every teeny detail and personality quirk. Think of David, who wrote Psalms pouring out his heart and yearning for God, but also killing for "sinful" adulterous relationship. Perhaps, it's because God is more merciful than you are giving Him credit. He knows your intentions are good, as you know goodness and God to be. If you are seeking God, Scripture says you will find. If you are seeking TRUTH, you will get there. You have to believe THAT. It is NOT sinful to reject man in pursuit of God and to trust where He leads you. If you are unsure of things and cannot find the answers, neither can other people, and God says to put HIM first.  So, in your fear, remember that God claims to be peace. Perhaps the truth will be recognizable to you as peace, because God is all of it. Don't rely on what OTHERS tell you about God, that includes interpretations of Scripture. (You might not be ready for this yet, but the Bible is regarded as meaningful because you have been convinced it is meaningful. Muslims don't find it meaningful, they find their own holy book meaningful. Same for religions in general, the meaning is found in the group of people. Do your own research on it and trust that you will find truth there too, it is still a man-made document and thus can be flawed.) Jeremiah 17:5, "“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh, and whose heart turns away from the Lord." If you're a "New Covenant-er," Romans 3:3-4 is talking about this as well, saying "What if some were unfaithful? Will their unfaithfulness nullify God’s faithfulness? Not at all! Let God be true, and every human being a liar. As it is written: “So that you may be proved right when you speak and prevail when you judge." To me,  this seems to be saying let God speak for Himself with us. That means you need to listen, in the language with which God speaks to you. Is there a subject you DO understand? Start there. You cannot be listening if you are busy worrying, which the Bible is also clear on. Do you think you will not KNOW God immediately? Do you think you're crazy when that tattooed, cussin' bartender seems to be more like Christ than that other person at your church? What is that? Why do you believe that person is "like Christ," and the other not when their beliefs should tell you otherwise? Could it be the Holy Spirit or even Christ within you, that you claim to believe in, recognizes God when you're sinful eyes would rather judge? Could it be that "God speaks" in non-verbal ways that transcend the spoken language? Could it be that God works in mysterious ways, and in the ways you need to hear Him, when others around you mislead? Scripture says to beware of false teachers, it is up to YOU to decide if these statements are not true. If you believe they are not true, I encourage you to comment your disagreement. Think for a minute that we are Christians now, but Christ upset the religious leaders of the time in a way that they felt blasphemed God. Do you not believe that the frustration you feel with the church's history is Godly? Jesus' whole game was upsetting rituals, shaming, judgment, and law-holding. You might have read about cults and how they brainwash believers or even just people of other denominations, did you think it was NOT you? Do you think you're wrong about nothing?

 

To anyone who has made it this far, thanks for reading. It was deeply cathartic to write. I have asked questions of everyone since my birth, I demanded to know "why" from anyone who would listen. I've grown a lot these last few years and have done a lot of searching for answers. Even if I haven't found anything objective or anything meaningful to anyone else, though it seems like it, I have settled on my beliefs in a way that I hope new ex-christians find hope. I have continued to pray to whatever is out there, "just in case," I see no harm is wishing good things into the universe and the weirdness of it all is that I have the fruit of the spirit I longed for as a Christian now. So were my prayers answered or is it all interpretation? Or is just me, as a man, no god, foraging my own reality. Who knows......It's simply wellness with one's soul, it is possible, and you do this by transforming your idea of sin and salvation by realizing what is good and bad for you through the power of your own choices, of making either heaven and hell here on earth, sorting through your emotions and various things to grieve and then, after it's due time, taking responsibility for your life. You gotta take care of your soul (or an aware mind / consciousness or whatever term you use for the "you that is aware in there" ) by truly being alive. So have that ice cold beer, no it's not sin, but of god. And thanks for listening to my TedTalk.