Yesterday, I had a pretty bleak moment and it worries me a bit...

[ZenPaladin]

Hey everyone. This is something that happened yesterday. I had just finally got home from EMT class. We had an exam, and I think I did alright. But, maybe I myself aren't alright...

I don't want to cause anyone to panic or anything, and I don't want to sound like a whiny young adult(I'm 19) but I'm just saying what it is I was truly feeling. So after getting off work at my new security job post(screening at a shipping warehouse facility) I grabbed lunch then went to community college where my EMT classes were held. I just sat in the lobby reviewing notes and playing on my phone some until class started. While our instructor was preparing some stuff, everyone was small talking but I didn't contribute much, and after the quiz a couple of people noted my quietness. But I already wasn't in the best mood because I've been at this new post for just a few days and yet I've already fucked up a few times and my supervisor has reprimanded me twice(last post was just watching CCTV screens and Netflix in an empty warehouse, so adjustment).

 

 

But as time went on, more and more negative feelings started piling on. It wasn't simply the bad mood about the shitty day at work, but then every thing I had been dealing with in my life and still trying to come to terms with. The loneliness and social isolation due to autism. The fighting and arguments from my parents that happened for years. My sister's suicide attempts and mental health outbursts. My ex-best friend who used me and hurt my sister. The friend from high school that I unintentionally pushed away and they cut ties with me. It all started to come to my mind. I could feel my eyes start to feel warm and moist, so I got up, and went to a bathroom stall, and the tears began to fall. Before I went to the bathroom I had ended up using my pen to write on my palm in my hand ''Why does everyone I try to be close to leave me?'' Even though I scrubbed it as hard as I could afterwards, you can still kinda make it out despite being halfway faded.

 

 

 

After that, I washed my face and dried it and my hands and went back to class until it ended. And when it was done and I finally got back to my car, reclined the seat so people couldn't see, and let it cave. I wasn't sobbing, but the waterworks were all too real. There was so many things that were coming out at once. I felt sadness at my family situation and at seeing my sister almost die this past summer from a suicide attempt, feeling sorry about how I handled things with the high school friend, genuinely wishing I could at least tell them I'm sorry. Embrarassment and regret for my social failures throughout my childhood and remorse for how I wasted time with someone like my ex-best friend(before I met the high school one) who did unspeakable things to my sister behind my back. Just so much stuff. Even driving home on the freeway and heavy traffic, the years kept falling, and once on the street I even damn near fell asleep while in a lane more than once, which probably wasn't helped by mainly eating junk food today.

 

 

I know maybe it could just be a fluke. But that kinda sadness just simply felt beyond simple regrets and what ifs. It felt strong yet inside there was a hollow feeling of resignation. And while there wasn't any serious intents or desires to kill myself or anything(I've never felt it), there was a feeling of contemplating what things would be like without me. Right now I don't feel it much as I'm typing, but it still doesn't feel like something to blow off. And deep down, I know I'm still not truly happy...

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Sometimes life can feel like that, and crying is appropriate. Many times in the last year I've felt like it, and even came close to it at work (which made my bosses nervous, though they sympathized with my situation with a difficult neighbor). I often ponder why I exist, or what my motivation is for continuing in mundane life. I find myself pondering what life would have been like if I had married a high-school sweetheart, which wasn't possible at the time. I recall that back then I was so sad that I could not pursue her, and she married another guy. So your feelings are not bad, they are indicators of regrets and unfulfilled dreams.

 

Do you have any positives, or any things you like to do that get you involved with others doing things you like? I try to keep doing things on the side like singing (gets me out with people, makes me learn songs and charts, and a load of other things), and I've taken up growing culinary mushrooms for a hobby and that takes learning and trying new things. I'm still aware of how mundane my life is, but I try to focus on other things. I feel like depression is a cliff and I don't want to step off because I probably won't recover. I even take supplements now and then if I feel overwhelmed, because sometimes the brain chemistry needs help. Life is what you choose to make of it, so choosing paths that bring some fulfillment and happiness are nice to have among all of the mundane that we do to get money and have food to eat. 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

If you aren't getting professional help,  you need it ASAP.

[ZenPaladin]

1 minute ago, Weezer said:

If you aren't getting professional help,  you need it ASAP.

Luckily I am seeing a community college therapist.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Does your therapist know about your thoughts of how things would be without you?  You may need to call a mental health, or suicide hot line and talk with someone. You may need more than outpatient therapy.  Are you taking any medications?

[ZenPaladin]

8 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Does your therapist know about your thoughts of how things would be without you?  You may need to call a mental health, or suicide hot line and talk with someone. You may need more than outpatient therapy.  Are you taking any medications?

My next session is tomorrow at noon. That's part of why I said I didn't want to worry anyone. In those moments, I didn't want to die, but the pain was so intense and it was everything coming down.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Be sure to tell the therapist what you told us.  And ask about any group therapy sessions, or mentor programs.

[ZenPaladin]

1 minute ago, Weezer said:

Be sure to tell the therapist what you told us.  And ask about any group therapy sessions, or mentor programs.

I will let you know how it goes, thank you.

[older]

Hi Zen:

 

Glad you have an appointment tomorrow. Jot down this phone number and tuck it in your wallet in case you need to talk to someone between appointments. It's called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline but it's not just for suicide; if you just need to vent, they are there. Their website says, "The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals."   1-800-273-8255

[ZenPaladin]

2 minutes ago, older said:

Hi Zen:

 

Glad you have an appointment tomorrow. Jot down this phone number and tuck it in your wallet in case you need to talk to someone between appointments. It's called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline but it's not just for suicide; if you just need to vent, they are there. Their website says, "The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals."   1-800-273-8255

Thank you so much, I will keep this in mind. That dark feeling may not be there right now, and it isn't the most common occurence but I can't say it is a foriegn experience.

[ZenPaladin]

20 hours ago, Weezer said:

Be sure to tell the therapist what you told us.  And ask about any group therapy sessions, or mentor programs.

I did my session today. I told him everything, and he did say that it was a pretty big breakthrough with being able to express all those feelings and being genuine about them and that crying is a legitimate release mechanism. He did say it didn't seem to be suicide as everyone can feel absolutely hopeless in bad times. However, he did emphasize that I needed to be much kinder to myself, and try to view past friendships that failed with more realizing you can see the good times even if you fully recognize when someone used you or if you hurt someone, and to stop punishing myself by replaying them which is something we will work on moving forward. He also acknowledged how the adolescent years can be a lonely time for everyone even regardless of a social disability. So I guess right now I'm a bit better. But here's hoping...

[ZenPaladin]

20 hours ago, older said:

Hi Zen:

 

Glad you have an appointment tomorrow. Jot down this phone number and tuck it in your wallet in case you need to talk to someone between appointments. It's called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline but it's not just for suicide; if you just need to vent, they are there. Their website says, "The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals."   1-800-273-8255

I did my session today. I told him everything, and he did say that it was a pretty big breakthrough with being able to express all those feelings and being genuine about them and that crying is a legitimate release mechanism. He did say it didn't seem to be suicide as everyone can feel absolutely hopeless in bad times. However, he did emphasize that I needed to be much kinder to myself, and try to view past friendships that failed with more realizing you can see the good times even if you fully recognize when someone used you or if you hurt someone, and to stop punishing myself by replaying them which is something we will work on moving forward. He also acknowledged how the adolescent years can be a lonely time for everyone even regardless of a social disability. So I guess right now I'm a bit better. But here's hoping...

 

 

Also I appreciate your kind words when you shared your thoughts on the high school thing I posted under another username.

[older]

8 minutes ago, ZenPaladin said:

He also acknowledged how the adolescent years can be a lonely time for everyone even regardless of a social disability.

   

So true. 

[ZenPaladin]

On 2/25/2020 at 4:29 PM, Fuego said:

Sometimes life can feel like that, and crying is appropriate. Many times in the last year I've felt like it, and even came close to it at work (which made my bosses nervous, though they sympathized with my situation with a difficult neighbor). I often ponder why I exist, or what my motivation is for continuing in mundane life. I find myself pondering what life would have been like if I had married a high-school sweetheart, which wasn't possible at the time. I recall that back then I was so sad that I could not pursue her, and she married another guy. So your feelings are not bad, they are indicators of regrets and unfulfilled dreams.

 

Do you have any positives, or any things you like to do that get you involved with others doing things you like? I try to keep doing things on the side like singing (gets me out with people, makes me learn songs and charts, and a load of other things), and I've taken up growing culinary mushrooms for a hobby and that takes learning and trying new things. I'm still aware of how mundane my life is, but I try to focus on other things. I feel like depression is a cliff and I don't want to step off because I probably won't recover. I even take supplements now and then if I feel overwhelmed, because sometimes the brain chemistry needs help. Life is what you choose to make of it, so choosing paths that bring some fulfillment and happiness are nice to have among all of the mundane that we do to get money and have food to eat. 

 

Soory for not answering this before, but I have wanted to do martial arts agin pretty badly. I've been strapped for cash and time due to this job fiasco but I tried a Brazilian Jiu-Jutsu class yesterday I liked it.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

2 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

Soory for not answering this before, but I have wanted to do martial arts agin pretty badly. I've been strapped for cash and time due to this job fiasco but I tried a Brazilian Jiu-Jutsu class yesterday I liked it.

 

Sounds great! 

[Geezer]

EMT might not be the best career choice for you. My son has been a fireman/paramedic for 23 years. He is eagerly looking to retire in 2 years. The things you will see and have to deal with will weigh heavily on your mind. Pulling a dead baby out of a wrecked car is not something you will ever get out of your mind. Responding to suicides is difficult. Pulling charred bodies out of a home that burned down is the kind of stuff you never forget. 
 

The job takes a heavy toll on first responders, their families, and their marriages. 

[ZenPaladin]

2 hours ago, Geezer said:

EMT might not be the best career choice for you. My son has been a fireman/paramedic for 23 years. He is eagerly looking to retire in 2 years. The things you will see and have to deal with will weigh heavily on your mind. Pulling a dead baby out of a wracked car is not something you will ever get out of your mind. Responding to suicides is difficult. Pulling charred bodies out of a home that burned down is the kind of stuff you never forget. 
 

The job takes a heavy toll on first responders, their families, and their marriages. 

This is why I'm intent on continuing therapy/counseling. My long term desired career after college is being a park ranger/fish and gane warden. I'm not attracted to the prospect of a desk job.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

10 minutes ago, ZenPaladin said:

 

I'm not attracted to the prospect of a desk job.

 

I know what you mean.  I always had to have something going out in nature as a hobby.

[fallenleaf]

I haven't been in EMT/Fire for very long, and I have already seen some things that could really mess with your head.  I am not saying that you can't be successful, but you should consider whether it is something you can really do.  And, if you can, you want to find healthy methods to cope with what you will see.  Your plans for being a Ranger should keep you away from the worst of it.  Continue to seek help, there's nothing wrong with help.

[ZenPaladin]

41 minutes ago, fallenleaf said:

I haven't been in EMT/Fire for very long, and I have already seen some things that could really mess with your head.  I am not saying that you can't be successful, but you should consider whether it is something you can really do.  And, if you can, you want to find healthy methods to cope with what you will see.  Your plans for being a Ranger should keep you away from the worst of it.  Continue to seek help, there's nothing wrong with help.

Good to meet you, and thank you. That will come with it's own struggles for sure but at least I won't be dealing with the down and dirty street stuff. I'd love to talk more through DM if you'd like, maybe hear about your apostate experience and how you joined the service...

[fallenleaf]

17 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

Good to meet you, and thank you. That will come with it's own struggles for sure but at least I won't be dealing with the down and dirty street stuff. I'd love to talk more through DM if you'd like, maybe hear about your apostate experience and how you joined the service...

Sure, message me any time.  I am also on the discord too (Goat on there).