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Lost

Difficult love

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I came back to this site as I do from time to time.

Hello again to old and new fellows!

 

In December, 1 one man, 11 years older than me told me that he fell in love with me.

He had 2 kids and wife, with whom he had divorce, but they still were living together at one home.

 

I was always anti-relationship type of a person and I thought that I will never engage into any kind of relationship, especially with someone, who has children with someone else.

 

But I decided to give it a try, although I knew that it has no sense, because he was an alcoholic and I had difficult past, when it comes to religious and spiritual practices that I totally gave up on, when I lost my faith in God.

 

From the beginning I knew that it will be difficult for him to understand my spiritual past and he even said that he loves me and he will bring me back to my past Catholic faith that we both were raised in as kids as it is in my country- Poland.

 

He was thinking about baptising our kids if we would have them and not take everything that seriously, when it comes to Catholic faith, rather staying traditional.

 

He seem to treat my 7 years old adventure with Protestant church quite weird. And wanted me to come back to 'normal' Christian faith.

 

I have never had boyfriend and all of the sudden he gave me love and support and he was hugging me a lot. He also loved my dad as his own father. He was a sweetheart who loved as both like no one before, but had problems with alcoholism as I have with shopaholism.

 

Recently, I even thought about leaving him or just telling him goodbye, because of feeling quilty of the whole relationship and feeling worried that he won't fully understand or accept my religious past and current viewsbon life without God.

 

But life supriesed me and set me free from my doubts in a tragic way.

Yesterday he died all of the sudden and became stiff and purple very quickly. I guess it was related to heart failure, but no one is 100% sure.

 

Thanks for reading! I am glad that I am here again!

 

Any advice how to cope with it all?

 

 

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Geez, @Lost. That's bloody awful!

I am sorry for your loss.

 

You said in our post you were always anti-relationship. What changed your mind?

You also stated that you never had a boyfriend. Why now?

Also you said you were feeling guilty about the relationship. Is that because of your lack of faith or were you not really all that keen on him?

 

Aside from this news - how are things in your life in general? Are you staying away from religion and the malls?

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I am so sorry Lost. How horrible to find such a big part of your life cut off without warning like that. Long long ago in my very early 20s my then wife and I endured the crib death (SIDS) of our 6 week old seemingly perfect healthy first child. My experience there was that regardless of how well you understand with your rational mind what has taken place this is an emotional loss to you and the grieving will take its own course and whatever time it needs. Listen to your inner self and follow your heart in how you address your grieving. There is no one way that is better than another. Be understanding with yourself throughout this journey and know that when the time is right the grieving will come to an end. Maybe nothing more than this is important right now. We really do care so please check in as often as you like. Take care.

Dan

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6 hours ago, Lost said:

Any advice how to cope with it all?

  

So sorry to hear this, Lost. Dan has some excellent advice above. Our family also suffered a tragic, unexpected loss and what I can tell you from that experience is that the panic attacks will subside with time. We also learned that there is no one way to grieve, no right way. Everyone will deal with it in his or her own way. 

 

You will also receive unexpected kindnesses and unintentional thoughtlessness. The former will touch you; ignore the latter as those people mean well but simply do not know how to express themselves sensitively. Thank them all regardless.

 

A grief support group might be helpful when the time is right. Walks in the forest and watching the sun rise also helps.

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Oh man, that's awful! I'm so sorry. Don't have any advice to give. Words fail.....

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Thank You guys for Your responses ❤️

 

I truly missed Ex-Christian Forum, but throughout my relationship with this man (that now is dead) I was kind of afraid to come here, cause I guess he would not understand my need for connection with others, who lost their faith in God.

 He wanted me to sort of come back to 'normal' Christian Faith as he was talking about Catholicism, but not neccessary practice it.

 

The relationship with Him would be really difficult, because of His problems with alcoholism and with another family that He had.

 

I guess, that what mattered the most in our relationship was love and caring for each other.

But I don't know, if that would be enough to build stable life with Him.

 

I was always sceptical,  when it comes to relationships and for my whole life I experienced company of my own and somehow I went through life like that. Sometimes I wondered if it' s possible for me to have normal life like others with beloved one and kids, but I guess not everybody's character is suitable for relationship or not everybody is created for relationship.

 

Glad to visit Ex-Christian again 🙂

 

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Lost said:

I was always sceptical,  when it comes to relationships and for my whole life I experienced company of my own and somehow I went through life like that. Sometimes I wondered if it' s possible for me to have normal life like others with beloved one and kids, but I guess not everybody's character is suitable for relationship or not everybody is created for relationship.

This part gives me a lot to think about Lost. Since you did have and enjoy this relationship with someone who was a mismatch and seriously problematic in a number of different ways I find it hard to believe that you weren't created for relationships. I think it's more likely that the problem is with the kind of men you are attracted to. Opra Winfrey had a program in the 90's about how inescapable are the choices we make as adults choosing partners based on our experiences growing up but in particular how we interacted with our parents. A friend shared it with me recently and I'll find it and leave it here for you should you want to check that out. The good news is that no matter how very powerful these destructive urges (that are actually subconscious attempts to resolve or recreate childhood problems) are they can be overcome with conscious recognition and working out a plan to avoid the self sabotage and instead seek relationships that can fulfill your desire for long term companionship. Maybe if after thinking about that you decide to give finding a relationship another try an internet dating site could help you target characteristics you are seeking and avoid those that are problematic. Also I think your description of a normal life with "beloved one and kids" is unnecessarily restrictive. Going from living alone to living with a beloved one is a big change and why not take a look at that by itself as having the potential to be satisfactorily fulfilling for your future. I see having children as greatly over hyped as a need for fulfillment for example how biblical women who can't conceive are called barren and the implication that this barrenness encompasses the entire being. It is possible as a separate endeavor to have wonderful meaningful relationship with children that are not raising in our own home but nevertheless prove to be fulfilling and even possibly last a lifetime. In the same way living alone with a few nice friends can be wonderful and fulfilling but it's up to us to be strong enough to define ourselves and recognize happiness when it comes our way in maybe an unexpected situation. Humans are amazingly adaptable. Thank you for sharing with us again.

https://omny.fm/shows/oprah-s-supersoul-conversations/07-190-make-love-last-022520-w-alt-header 

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Hi lost. I'm so happy to see you back at EXC but I am so, so sorry that you are here under such sad circumstances. I am so sorry to hear of the death of your very special man friend. Sudden death is like the biggest punch in the stomach that one can ever experience. Don't be too surprised if your mind is in a bit of trauma shock.

 

Honey, lots of people get involved in what can be a messy relationship. We are all human. You had some things that you shared together that were special. These are what I call the bittersweet relationships. Whether these relationships are right or wrong, you can learn many lessons from them. It sounds to me as if you  learned from him and you probably taught him a thing or two. And you cared for each other even though the flaws were all there. Try to remember all of the nice, lovely times that you had with him. At some point you will know the reasons why you were in this relationship.

 

As it was already mentioned here, take your time with the grieving and grieve anyway you want. Some days will be better than others. But we are here for you to help you through this if you need us.

 

One thing that I have learned in my life, having an addictive personality myself, is that we addictive personalities never mean to harm. We use substances, eat too much, shop too much, gamble, take drugs, drink too much, smoke too much and I have discovered that we are all trying to fill a vacuum that is inside of us. Sometimes life is very hard and we use 'things and substances' because we think it will help us cope better. We turn to these things for comfort even though we all know they aren't good for us. Most of the alcoholics and addicts that I know are some of the most beautiful people on this earth even though the behaviour has such negative consequences.

 

Again, I am so sorry but you are going through this. Just know that EXC is here for you.

 

I give you the biggest virtual hug in the world tonight honey. It's going to be alright, you wait and see. It's just going to take some time. Be gentle with yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

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I agree with what Dan said about why you are attracted to the men you are attracted to.  That is a subconscious, or unconscious process that was programmed into you.  I highly recommend you look into that, or you will likely repeat the process in the next relationship.    Google "codependency".  BEST WISHES!

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