Tips for moving out?

[ZenPaladin]

Hey yall. So to give you the gist of my current situation, I have been plotting to move out from my mom's for some time. If you haven't seen my other posts, here's the rundown of things: Mom and dad had a fuck ton of dysfunction, things got bad in middle school with major altercations and arguments, with my old man being real shitty to me and me and my sister both having anger problems and being at each other's throats. My sister also has a history of attempts at self harm and even suicide and running away, one of the times she was hospitalized my father tried to attack me just because I tried to stop an argument between him and my mom in the hospital room.

So suffice to say I've been wanting to GTFO of dodge. Really I've been kicking myself in the ass for not solidifying a solid plan after graduation high school but the hospital incident was the kick in the ass I needed in order to start seeing that something has to give. Here's a rundown of a few things:

-Currently, I am in the second part of my EMT program, after which if I pass the class I am eligible for the certification process. My mom, despite having her issues, was right in pushing me towards this program(she's a nurse) as my desired career is to be a game warden/park ranger and she told me to get a professional skillset. And looking at some ambulance services near where I want to move to, a couple of them advertise flexible scheduling for students and full time employees do get benefits which I figure I will need if I planning to be independent. The pay ranges from $15hr-$22 depending on experience level.

-Just today, I took my mom's second car she lets me drive and got the smog check, and it passed. My mom then said that tomorrow we can go have the car put in my name and it will be my responsibility. The only thing is that I will still be under her insurance unless I were to move somewhere else under which I would have to get my own. I technically pay the insurance by giving the money to her, but it would be more expensive when it's just on me.

-In terms of college, after my EMT program I want to get on my pathway of working on an associates transfer degree. My financial aid is covered by Department of Rehabilitation(I'm on the spectrum) fortunately. In terms of where to live, my plan is to do something like what my cousin and her friend did. In my senior year of high school, they lived with us renting out our downstairs guestroom. I've seen similar advertisements on Craigslist in the area I plan to move to, some near the CC I've looked to attending, and their are $700-$800 options that do include both rent and utilities, which I can manage with smart budgeting and such.

-When the quarantine hit, it really disrupted things as I had just started a part time warehouse job that was decent pay and hours for a student, and my EMT classes were moved online then put on hold. It was frustrating, but I did still do DoorDash and UberEats to scrap together some savings and filed for unemployment benefits. My debit card came today from unemployment came is over $1500 in funds. I do plan to save most of that but us a bit to pay for a couple of things the car needs.

So that gives you a rundown of where I'm at. The main thing I'm conflicted over is being able to either move out secretly/discreetly. For one thing, after another confrontation with my sister I did confess about secretly seeing a therapist and planning to move out after my EMT program. It isn't something that's come up again but it's still evident I'm distant with my family. Also, my family situation have involved plenty of times, especially with my father, having a major outburst/fight/argument and afterwards there being apologies and promise of change only to go back to the same bullshit at one point or another. My dad especially, the last time saying ''we have to let go of the past'' and my mom saying I need to be ''forgiving towards him'', when he has been an asshole again and again.

 They are divorced and he doesn't live with us, but then my mom has also expressed that I may move oout and not be heard from for a long time, and tbh that was kind of the plan. But if they know that I'm planning on really doing it or when, I'm not worried about any violent retribution as things are fucked up but not at that level. I really just don't want to deal with the inevitable emotional shitstorm that would follow. 

Any tips or thoughts is appreciated!

[DanForsman]

Moving out will be challenging financially ZenP but it's probably the only way you will get some clarity in your life. The amount of emotional capital you invest in your family members seems to be too high. You need to shift your focus onto your own needs and generally get to know yourself better as a person who is separate from his family. You seem to be doing well with looking out for your future career wise and I think the paramedic goal is very good. It doesn't sound to me like you need to just disappear as opposed to openly planning your move and then just moving. If you get some physical distance once you find your own place I think you won't be troubled with excessive family involvement unless you pursue it. You may have more of a difficult time letting all that family attachment go than you imagine so you'll need to be deliberate in finding new ways to redirect all that energy in a positive way when you start living your own life away from home.

[older]

I think Dan's advice above is excellent.

 

On 5/19/2020 at 6:26 PM, ZenPaladin said:

I really just don't want to deal with the inevitable emotional shitstorm that would follow. 

  

You are the one who sets the limits for what you are willing to take. And it takes two to have an argument. If you decide that there are topics you do not want to discuss, don't discuss them. Refuse to be drawn in. Don't listen. Turn off the phone, walk out of the room, leave the premises, whatever it takes. Do it calmly (which may be hard) as getting angry feeds their desire to upset you. Don't yell, don't slam the door. Just quietly say you don't want to go down that road so please change the subject. If they don't then calmly leave, closing the door with a gentle click. You won't be the only one who has spent a night or two in his car. And you repeat this as many times as needed until they get the message (and if that takes years, so be it).

 

[ZenPaladin]

21 minutes ago, older said:

I think Dan's advice above is excellent.

 

  

You are the one who sets the limits for what you are willing to take. And it takes two to have an argument. If you decide that there are topics you do not want to discuss, don't discuss them. Refuse to be drawn in. Don't listen. Turn off the phone, walk out of the room, leave the premises, whatever it takes. Do it calmly (which may be hard) as getting angry feeds their desire to upset you. Don't yell, don't slam the door. Just quietly say you don't want to go down that road so please change the subject. If they don't then calmly leave, closing the door with a gentle click. You won't be the only one who has spent a night or two in his car. And you repeat this as many times as needed until they get the message (and if that takes years, so be it).

 

Thanks, older. I will say that it isn't really a specific desire to upset me, but rather the family is just very dysfunctional. Good tips, my therapist gave similar advice.