Has anyone else ever felt left out in terms of relationships? It can fell very frustrating?

[ZenPaladin]

Hiya, hope you all are well. As many may know, the quarantine has not only left many people sick or dead and without jobs, but it has also impacted people's mental health due to the isolation, especially those who already were dealing specifically with feeling disconnected from other people, for me with Asperger's. But one thing that has been eating at me recently is the fact that I'm single and may still be for awhile.

So growing up, parents had issues and fought alot, this turned up to 11 in middle school with confrontations that were more physical and me and my sister getting into it, and I was super awkward and cringey during middle school leading into high school. So thus, I never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl, and it is something my mother and a few family members have commented on throughout the years. But even while I don't care much about their input(and I find dating in MS/HS to be overrated, too much drama)  I find that I don't really like the fact that I'm single.

And to be clear, I have had issues in the past with codependency in terms of trying to form friendships and investing too much self esteem into middle school crushes, so I know that's not what I want in a relationship. But even so, after graduating high school, my life was mostly just screwing around in community college and working, until I started doing an EMT program that I am almost finished with(classes are in hiatus. Family drama still occurred, including my sister being hospitalized for an overdose attempt and my dad trying to fight me in her hospital room. So suffice to say I have been planning to move out, of course finishing my EMT program and certification because I'm tired of the emotional burden of the dysfunction that I've dealt with since childhood and it leaves me with subtle resentment and anger at my family, and is just generally emotional baggage. It makes being single worst since one of the main things I hear is ''you have to be happy by yourself first, love yourself, etc'', but really that makes me feel worst.

For one thing, it feels hypocritical to an extent because most or at least alot of the people who say this are either in a relationship or have been before, so it's easy to say that when you already have a SO or have gotten that kind of attention(waiting on dinner is easy when you've had a snack, I once heard). Even my therapist(cool guy) who also said this to me, is in a relationship himself. Secondly, part of me wonders why would anyone be with someone else if you didn't feel you needed them? I know that being controlling or wanting to be with your partner 24/7 isn't good, and having your own interests and passions is important too. And I know the whole ''entitled nice guy/incel'' archetype you see in Hollywood is pretty terrible too. I definitely have things I want to do (EMT job, regular college, martial arts, etc) but still it feels more isolating and depressing than it already is that I have to ''keep waiting'', but yet still see former high school classmates on social media posting pics of having good times with their friends but also with their boyfriend/girlfriend saying how much they love them etc.

All in all, it's just not good to deal with on top of everything else, and while finding friends and having a life is a priority for me, having someone that loves you in that way would definitely feel good...

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry you are frustrated and lonely, and I am not sure how we could help you on this forum.  Have you tried a dating service?   

[Wertbag]

On 6/1/2020 at 5:49 AM, ZenPaladin said:

 I find that I don't really like the fact that I'm single.

I was terribly shy and had social anxiety which stopped me from even talking to girls right through into my twenties.  I was 21 before I even tried dating, and having a well meaning friend set me up on a couple of blind dates (disasters) did at least get the ball rolling.  Once I had my own rented apartment (privacy and freedom), a job/income and enough free time to want someone to share that with, I took the step to try online dating.

For guys, for every 10 messages you send out you can expect 1 reply, maybe 1 in 5 will result in a physical date and only a few of those will lead to a second.  So its not necessarily quick, but its also very easy to get started.  I've now been married 8 years to a girl I met online.

It has the benefits of being able to narrow down your search by location, age, smoking, religion and photos, so you have a fair idea they are someone with matching ideals who you have an attraction to.  You then get to chat via text first to see how you both communicate, then it that goes well you can get a phone number and talk in person, then arrange to meet having already broken the ice.

One of the biggest things that helped me was having some open ended questions in mind.  If you want a conversation to flow just throw some long questions in (where were you born?  Have you travelled much, if so where?  Dream job/holiday destination?  Any siblings, if so what do they do and are you close?  Hobbies, sports, favourite food/movies/music?).  You learn about the person, the conversation should naturally flow from the answers and you should expect to have them passed back to you too.

 

On 6/1/2020 at 5:49 AM, ZenPaladin said:

why would anyone be with someone else if you didn't feel you needed them?

People can be in relationships for bad reasons, one of the most common is loneliness.  If you have low self esteem you can think "We don't get on well, there's no chemistry, but what if I never find anyone else?  Is someone to share life with better than looking for better that might not be there?"  We can talk ourselves into putting up with all sorts of bad situations, cos the fear of being alone can be very strong.  We definitely have to not hold out for perfection, but at least be able to say "there is nothing that needs to change for me to be happy".   You can never expect someone to change, and if they do change there is no way to know it will be in the way you wish it to be.

[ZenPaladin]

On 6/7/2020 at 7:56 PM, Weezer said:

I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry you are frustrated and lonely, and I am not sure how we could help you on this forum.  Have you tried a dating service?   

For now  I'm just focusing on finishing EMT training and moving out. But even then I don't have much faith in those, but who knows? 

[ZenPaladin]

18 hours ago, Wertbag said:

I was terribly shy and had social anxiety which stopped me from even talking to girls right through into my twenties.  I was 21 before I even tried dating, and having a well meaning friend set me up on a couple of blind dates (disasters) did at least get the ball rolling.  Once I had my own rented apartment (privacy and freedom), a job/income and enough free time to want someone to share that with, I took the step to try online dating.

For guys, for every 10 messages you send out you can expect 1 reply, maybe 1 in 5 will result in a physical date and only a few of those will lead to a second.  So its not necessarily quick, but its also very easy to get started.  I've now been married 8 years to a girl I met online.

It has the benefits of being able to narrow down your search by location, age, smoking, religion and photos, so you have a fair idea they are someone with matching ideals who you have an attraction to.  You then get to chat via text first to see how you both communicate, then it that goes well you can get a phone number and talk in person, then arrange to meet having already broken the ice.

One of the biggest things that helped me was having some open ended questions in mind.  If you want a conversation to flow just throw some long questions in (where were you born?  Have you travelled much, if so where?  Dream job/holiday destination?  Any siblings, if so what do they do and are you close?  Hobbies, sports, favourite food/movies/music?).  You learn about the person, the conversation should naturally flow from the answers and you should expect to have them passed back to you too.

 

People can be in relationships for bad reasons, one of the most common is loneliness.  If you have low self esteem you can think "We don't get on well, there's no chemistry, but what if I never find anyone else?  Is someone to share life with better than looking for better that might not be there?"  We can talk ourselves into putting up with all sorts of bad situations, cos the fear of being alone can be very strong.  We definitely have to not hold out for perfection, but at least be able to say "there is nothing that needs to change for me to be happy".   You can never expect someone to change, and if they do change there is no way to know it will be in the way you wish it to be.

 

Very good points,  especially on the last part.  I feel a bit better now but hopefully it won't take too long for things to be tomwhere I am in a position to pursue someone.