"Too Many Realizations" Update

[Blue]

So, its been forever since either of us have been on here. Almost a year, shockingly. I remember I said on a different thread that I would be giving an update very soon. Obviously I never did, my life is crazy and always changing. I would still like to give that update though. I'll try not to get into details unless someone specifically asks about how a particular event went down.

I also want to thank anyone on here that has been supportive and patient with us. We really needed that and it was much appreciated. I am especially sorry to those that we may have taken over and de-railed the comments of on separate testimonies. I feel very bad about that and as it has been a year, I do not remember where those conversations took place otherwise I would say this there as well.

To those that were not supportive and/or rude: responses like yours are expected as it is the internet, but they were not expected to be in these forums as they feel like safe spaces for people like us. Your responses and the things you said were hurtful and triggering, for both my sister and I. We took a break from this platform because of your hurtful comments. Which is now why I thank you, your comments showed us that although this is a good place for advice or support sometimes it is not a place for answers. Especially in severe and complicated situations. It showed us that ultimately, it is up to us as individuals to decide what is best for us to do. While I could be the bigger person, I also wish to say now what I didn't back then: Sir, you're an ignorant asshole.

 

 

Now I have no idea where to begin with the update. If anyone remembers Dreamer and I and has a question about something that I don't cover, feel free to ask. 

First off: yes, we are still alive (again shockingly, I flirted with death and Dreamer said I could do better). Secondly: Dreamer is happily at college in her first house (parents still think she lives alone in a one bedroom apartment) with six cats (she just doesn't stop rescuing them!) and her boyfriend. Sorry if that sentence was hard to read. I am still stuck in Hawai'i in my parent's house. Thirdly: Yes, we all saw social services last summer (Dreamer was still with us). No, it was not intentional to see them at that time. I was emailing them trying to figure how stuff would work and if it would just make things worse to commit to trying to get removed when suddenly they contacted my dad's boss and scheduled a social services appointment for the whole family without me giving them any information (purposefully) or asking them to. Yes, the woman we saw said we were being emotionally abused. Yes, she also said we were being sexually harassed. Yes, she said are situation was not right and unsafe for us. No, the woman did not do a damn thing to help us. In fact she told my parents that we were there because someone thought I was being emotionally abused because I was forced to go to church. Yes, I did beg her not to mention anything about the religion issues we were having. Fourth: When Dreamer left and my father went to ILE (whatever that means other than I am free from him for three months) I got into therapy. I owe getting into therapy to Dreamer (that's a side story I'll be happy to share if anyone asks). I got depression/anxiety medication (what a hassle convincing my parents of "allowing" that!) and was in therapy for (maybe???) six months. Apparently there is like an eight week limit for the military therapists or something. "Solve your shit in eight weeks!" Had to keep getting an ok/renewal to continue therapy for that long of a time. Eventually my therapist said I would have to end therapy with her and go see an outside therapist. So I switched therapists and had to explain all my shit all over again. That was fun (it definitely wasn't). I am still currently with said therapist (who has a therapy dog btw who totally slacks off on her job lol).

Personally: I got an ESA. Emotional support animal. Took me three trips to the Honolulu Humane Society to find the right fit. And he is amazing. He helps me with dissociation, depression, general anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, and insomnia. I think he is a hound(maybe greyhound based on his build)/German Shepherd(based on his coloring). Across all of his papers his birthday changed so I chose the one that said he was born on Halloween. (I started the whole thing in October and got him in November.) I love Halloween and I named him Bones. He was a year old when I got him. I went through proper means to get him certified by my therapist and receive and ESA letter from her. This makes him legal and allows me to have (limited) benefits with him.

Therapy, medication, and my ESA have helped me a lot. The first therapist made it a point to make my family situation manageable/livable for the time I have remaining with them. And she did a very good job with that. But we do still have issues from time to time. Like this past weekend just might have been the worst thing ever.

I stopped going to church as soon as my sister left, I knew I would not be able to go to it without her. Later, (in yet another explosive conversation with my mother while my father was at ILE)I told her I was no longer religious in any way, shape, or form. None of which was easy to do or planned out. Along with the resulting conversations over this past year. But I have felt lighter now that I don't have to pretend. (Also willing to go into more detail/answer questions about this.)

Through all of the explosive conversations I have maintained my LGBTQ+ secret and plan to keep it that way. I know they will never be supportive or even a safe home/relationship for me once they know. They will get to find out those things when they see me in a relationship that is not straight, or with a partner that does not identify with male or female, or when I have done enough transitioning that I don't bother to hide it. In the meantime, my sister always is a supportive person for me to talk to about such things and I plan to join the forum the Trevor Project has for people like me. (As for my gender identity I am starting to question more if it was my previous views that would not allow me to accept myself like I could others and that somehow identifying as non-binary was easier than saying that I am trans-male. So for the time being my gender identity is more "questioning" now.)

I don't know if I covered it all and tied up all the loose ends. Let me know if you have any remaining questions, would like to hear any of my side stories (I obviously have got a lot), or if you are new to my threads and there is anything I could answer to help you out in your situation (this shit is tough and I would love if I discovered that in someway my journey can help another's!). 

THANK YOU ALL for all of the support, suggestions, and love!!! (I also love to receive resources to check out!)