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What are your thoughts on marrying young?


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So what made me ask this question is that looking at some of the people I went to high school with, I'm seeing this become a bit more common. Now originally I had felt a bit of jealousy at seeing former classmates(graduated HS 2 years ago) on social media with their SOs, saying how much they loved them etc. But now with some of the people I have seen, it does make me both grateful that I'm focusing on sorting my life out(improving health, prepping to move out) but also curious as to what the motivation is.

 

 

I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed and saw that a girl I followed(acquaintance from high school) is married now. Keep in mind I recently turned 20 and graduated 2 years ago on June 8th, so the senior class is around the same age. Now I don't say she was married in terms of me being upset. I have no feelings for her and was just one of her followers. The guy she got with wasn't someone I recall going to our school. Then there was another girl who actually graduated the year before me but who I talked to a bit some time after I graduated. I had gotten back in touch with her during the quarantine to just talk(again no feelings with this one) and apparently she's engaged too, to a guy she met on Snapchat. And then a guy I hung out with during senior year did apparently date a girl since at least prom, and like lots of other people they had their IG posts spending time together and such. But then back in November, he messaged me that they were no longer together because she had cheated on him for another dude that she also got hitched with. She had become gradually more distant over time, said that it WASN'T cheating and sent him pictures of her and her new guy. It really got to him during this quarantine when I was talking to him again as he was already in therapy for some other stuff in his life and once asked if I would message her to ask if she hated him to which I declined.

 

 

I don't look down on them by any means. It's their decision and I hope things work out for them. But I think I once heard the younger you marry the more likely you are to divorce. And I can kinda see why that would be likely. I mean, being just two years or so out of HS means there's alot of life you haven't lived or had some crucial educational experiences in regards to being an adult. And I figured you'd have to know someone for a few years at least before making such a big decision. But hey to each their own, though this does make me feel better about waiting and being patient with this. I had told someone else how this had made me envious before, and they had responded that social media only shows the ''highlight reel'' and most of these relationships are fleeting.

 

 

Thoughts?

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The average age at marriage has been slowly rising over the past century, and it’s now somewhere close to 30, I think.  Personally, I would advise against marriage much before 30.  
 

Are these early-marrying friends of yours religious?  Fundamentalists in particular typically marry younger, presumably so they can have sex without sinning.  Forbidding sex before marriage may have made sense when protections against pregnancy and disease were few or non-existent.  But nowadays, with young people maturing physically at an earlier age than ever, and also for whatever reason not becoming independent until a later age, young adult Christians face the nonsensical choice between abstinence and “sin”.  So they marry young.  And because they marry so young, they divorce at the same rate as the general population in spite of the scriptural prohibition of divorce. 
 

So I would say the twenties are a time first of all to get to know yourself and develop yourself - as you are wisely doing - and also to explore relationships, including sexual ones, without feeling pressure to make a long-term commitment.  

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The appropriate age for marriage varies with time and place. Currently in American society those who marry in their late 20s or early 30s seem to have better odds. It depends on who you are and what you want. The same rules can't apply to a young farmer, a factory worker, an aspiring artist and one who is climbing the corporate ladder. IMO, however, later is probably always better with a few exceptions for those who have beaten the odds.

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I got married at 23 years old. My wife was 24 at the time. We're coming up on 10 years.

 

I'm very happily married, and I have no regrets. Having said that, I would not advise anyone to get married as young as I did. I'm not sure that I'd advise marriage at all, if I was asked for my honest opinion.

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32 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

I'd advise rushing into marriage instead of marriage to a Russian. 

Huh?

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My thoughts on getting married young is that it's quite likely a bad idea. My ex-wife and I met at Bible college, and we had no idea then who we even were as people. Marriage needs to be thought of as more of a legal contract than what it typically is. Marriage can be complicated and lots of work. It's certainly nothing to rush into simply so one can get laid. It pays to know what the other person is at their worst. Because if your marriage does end, that will all be dumped on you.

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3 hours ago, TABA said:

The average age at marriage has been slowly rising over the past century, and it’s now somewhere close to 30, I think.  Personally, I would advise against marriage much before 30.  
 

Are these early-marrying friends of yours religious?  Fundamentalists in particular typically marry younger, presumably so they can have sex without sinning.  Forbidding sex before marriage may have made sense when protections against pregnancy and disease were few or non-existent.  But nowadays, with young people maturing physically at an earlier age than ever, and also for whatever reason not becoming independent until a later age, young adult Christians face the nonsensical choice between abstinence and “sin”.  So they marry young.  And because they marry so young, they divorce at the same rate as the general population in spite of the scriptural prohibition of divorce. 
 

So I would say the twenties are a time first of all to get to know yourself and develop yourself - as you are wisely doing - and also to explore relationships, including sexual ones, without feeling pressure to make a long-term commitment.  

The girl who had cheated is technically from a Catholic family but not serious about it. The girl who posted about her marriage today I know had said she was Christian though.

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32 minutes ago, Eugene39 said:

My thoughts on getting married young is that it's quite likely a bad idea. My ex-wife and I met at Bible college, and we had no idea then who we even were as people. Marriage needs to be thought of as more of a legal contract than what it typically is. Marriage can be complicated and lots of work. It's certainly nothing to rush into simply so one can get laid. It pays to know what the other person is at their worst. Because if your marriage does end, that will all be dumped on you.

That's kinda what I'm thinking.

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Well, this is one as previously answered is not a black and white question. I think that, in the very complex and individualistic society we usually live in the modern industrialised cities people take longer to mature. Like my grandmothers married at 18-20 years old altough one of my granffathers was 30. He had been to war, then first years of famine and heavy unrest, not such a good time for marriage anyway. But they had minimum education, their relatives gave/built them a house, the culture they lived in was pretty much the same until then, they worked from young age in the fields and other house work so at 16 -18 you were usually as mature as you needed to be usually, emotionally, intelectually and professionally plus you had a vast suport network of relatives and long term neighbours. That was not always the best thing ever but anyway..Also better to have children from a young age so you could have 5-10 children because many times half died in infancy anyway. My grandmother had four siblings that died young.

     Things drastically changed with industrialisation, need for higher education and easier divorce procedures and acceptability, more diverse and changing culture, lack of local support structures, etc, acces to leisure activities and others like lower infant mortality rate, safer contraception, general city overpopulation.

     

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I was 19 she was 21 when we got married. I was in the Navy. That was 54 years ago and we’re still very happily married. That was a different time though, I wouldn’t recommend it now. I think you ought to live together for a while first now. 
 

My wife was a Christian when we got married, so living together first or even having sex, was out of the question. It worked out for us but I wouldn’t recommend that approach now.

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Marriage is not the Disney fantasy my generation (born in '80) was exposed to growing up. Not to say marriage is awful, but the divorce rate in the US is 50%. That is like a coin flip of whether or not you are going to get divorced. And if you do, expect to get put through the ringer. Truth be told, what is the point of it? I think people can be together and never get married. Something about that contract seems to put people in a weird place.

 

I am not advocating against marriage, but I do believe a lot of people go into it with some fantasy in their head, that bubble gets popped fairly early. Once the tingles go away and real life starts happening, people start jumping ship.

 

Best advice I could give. You should give more thought to the person you are going to marry than what degree you want from college, what profession you want to pursue, and you better never base it off the tingles. Who you marry should be well calculated and deliberate.

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Where's the sense in putting yourself into a situation where you're legally obligated to give half your shit to somebody you hate?

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As has been noted, marriage is essentially a legal contract. Pre Nuptial agreements are more common these days and are probably a good idea. Due to religions influence marriage, in past times, was seen as a commitment to God as well as to each other. Marriage was viewed as something Holy and sacred. Sex was also viewed as a sacred act.

 

Those perceptions are clearly a minority view now and becoming more so with the passing of time. That, IMO, is a good thing. Marriage is a legal commitment and all parties entering into a marriage contract should be aware of that and obtain legal counsel to draw up their contract so they clearly know their rights and obligations on the front end.

 

That also provides them both with full knowledge of the consequences if the contract is breached by either party.  

 

 

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I'll just say I'm glad I didn't marry the first guy I fell in love with at age 21. We would certainly be divorced by now. 

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I think in terms of expectations and focus on self fulfillment and the availability of an almost unlimited number of significant other relationships (internet, meetups, etc) and the large number and variety of life's work opportunities,  that we are living in a time of social change unprecedented in history. Even fifty years ago was a significantly different time and a hundred years ago and beyond there is almost a total disconnect with the present. Not long ago a couple spent the bulk of their time trying to meet basic physical needs and stifling even significant emotional needs was common and typically even encouraged. Children were to be seen and not heard. Today middle class families have rearranged priorities to focus on their children and their children's emotional needs every bit as much as their physical needs. Today's youth from these families have been raised being told they are special with expectations that they will find their passion and achieve self fulfillment. Goals like these are much more complicated and confusing than making ends meet and I think typically take many more years to accomplish. Starting relationships early before either party has had sufficient time to discover themselves makes finding self fulfillment for either party much more difficult. So I think the most important goal should be to give yourself time, plenty of time, to find out who you are and what makes you happy and to try living purposefully and achieving some of your goals before trying to support another persons efforts to do the same things. Lives are longer now too so going slower makes a lot of sense.   

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