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Living in the closet - killing me


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The last thing. Even Jesus said truth and following it is more important than friends or relatives. So you can reflect upon that. 

      I cannot tell you WHAT to do but maybe what I said will help you frame stuff better. If not discard.

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On 6/25/2020 at 1:07 AM, Dandilion said:

I'm turning 40 and about 5 years ago could no longer believe that nonsense.

 

But my parents, extended family are so into it. Group chats are god this, Jesus that.

 

I've stopped going to church but haven't said I don't believe.

 

I didn't want to break my parents hearts but I'm just miserable now.

 

They will do a whole family intervention if I tell them but being dishonest is eating away at me.

How are you responsible for any other person's thoughts of you? (There's always going to be at least 1* human who will disagree with your thinking on everything you've ever thought)

 

Sux Hey.

 

 

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“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself.

Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving;it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.”

Thomas Paine

 

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10 hours ago, Justus said:

“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself.

Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving;it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.”

Thomas Paine

 

Bullshit. That state has another, modern definition. Cognitive dissonance. And is a source of anguish not happiness.

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1 hour ago, Myrkhoos said:

Bullshit. That state has another, modern definition. Cognitive dissonance. And is a source of anguish not happiness.

Yeah!

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On 7/13/2020 at 12:35 AM, Myrkhoos said:

Bullshit. That state has another, modern definition. Cognitive dissonance. And is a source of anguish not happiness.

Do you speak from experience or because you heard somebody say it and believe it?

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On 7/13/2020 at 1:54 AM, AntiChrist said:

Yeah!

And you must be that second coat of paint that George talked about to cover the misery and hate.

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3 hours ago, Justus said:

And you must be that second coat of paint that George talked about to cover the misery and hate.

Holy cat balls Jesus!

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 6/25/2020 at 5:49 PM, Dandilion said:

Thank you all so so much for your kind words.

 

I feel Christianity has taken so so much from me and left me a wreck.

 

My child is mid teens. All the while I wasn't sure about Christianity I didn't want to condemn my child to hell just because I had "allowed myself to be ensnared by the devil". So I allowed the indoctrination to continue, now I've got a godbot in my home and it's my fault.

 

 

My mother had suffered the loss of many people very dear to her. It feels like literally stabbing her to say "oh, you're not getting your pie in the sky and those people are gone forever. On the offchance I'm wrong then you can be reunited with everyone in heaven but you'll have one in hell.

 

It was a twice on Sunday, Wednesday bible study, Saturday choir practice sort of set up. They were my whole social circle and I've been completely shunned. 

 

My family would do the same. I've seen similar with a gay cousin. They would be telling all sorts of stories about me 'oh, she wanted to be free to sin' and all that,  which would break my heart.

 

I'm too old for an intervention but it would be guilt that makes me sit in that chair. 

 

My mother literally only speaks in Bible verses. Even simple things, thank the lord we still have some of those biscuits left. Praise Jesus that the car got fixed without a big bill. I'm actually scared to say anything but it almost feels like only one of us can be happy now.

 

I wish I were still in blissful ignorance sometimes. But no. The silence of prayer was probably worse than this. Wondering what hidden sin was blocking my blessings.

 

Dandilion

 

I take it you're not necessarily around your family a lot, but in communication enough that you hear the stuff all of the time. But you're not going to church any more?

 

I don't really know about your family, but I think I'd want to make sure my child knew I didn't believe in gods and such just so when they inevitably start to question the religion they know they have nothing to fear. And you don't want them to just think you're a backslider, but actually a non-believer. (My kids were grown and gone before I realized that Christianity was BS, so I don't actually have experience in this. But when my older son tentatively expressed doubts a few years ago (he had already deconverted, but was testing the waters) I made sure to tell him the truth. Younger son and I have a more complicated don't-ask-don't-tell relationship, unfortunately.

Anyway, what to do about family? I don't think you can expect them to quit talking about their god in family messages, since it's always been their way of life. They don't seem to be pointing it directly at you, since they don't even know you're a non-believer. Again, I have no direct experience with it, but I think I'd let it go, even though it annoys me. My wife knows I'm an atheist but I don't get upset when she talks about her god. I do get annoyed when she gets a little pushy about it and I'll respond sometimes, depending upon how up I am for an argument. But if these are people you rarely see in person? My thought is to just try to learn to just ignore it. It's just people and their beliefs.

 

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On 6/25/2020 at 3:07 AM, Dandilion said:

I'm turning 40 and about 5 years ago could no longer believe that nonsense.

 

But my parents, extended family are so into it. Group chats are god this, Jesus that.

 

I've stopped going to church but haven't said I don't believe.

 

I didn't want to break my parents hearts but I'm just miserable now.

 

They will do a whole family intervention if I tell them but being dishonest is eating away at me.

 

Sorry, I'm really late to the party.

 

This is pretty much the same situation I was in 4 years ago.

 

I got to the point where I got physically sick from going to church knowing I didn't believe anymore, afraid that someone would find out and all hell would break lose. I was also afraid of the reactions of the family members. A good piece of advice I received from a member here was that I am not responsible for other peoples reactions, their hurt feelings, or their offense.

 

So, unable to continue living a lie I took the nuclear option and told them outright I didn't believe. Cue tears, wailing and arguments. I was blamed for my mothers heart problems because all she could think about was me going to hell. (And some people wonder why I get a bit anti-theistic at times - that's the shit that religion can do to you)

 

If you were 16 I'd tell you to be cautious and make sure you are self sufficient first. At 40 you are free to be your own person and I think that you owe it to yourself to do what is best for YOU. Not for your parents or extended family. My one caveat might be if you had young children and this was going to tear them apart - in that case i might say think about the kids. But short of that, it's your life.

 

You have one life to live and you are near halfway of average expectancy. Time is too short to be worried what others might do or say. I won't lie - those first few days/weeks/months after telling the family you are atheist is hard. But hopefully in time things will settle down to a new normal. My parents still try the occasional religious pass on me, but I just smile and let it slide. Sure we disagree on most things now but it's not worth fighting every little battle. Your parents might take it well and be supportive. Or they might cut you off. You cannot control what they do you can only control what you do. Let them know you are still their child and you love them. They will either accept that or reject it.

 

 

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     I told my mom in the heat of an argument with my wife (it was one of those sort of "would you tell your mom?" sort of deals).  Anyhow, I probably wouldn't do it that way again since it went poorly.  Like others it wound up causing a lot of pain to my mom that I didn't want to cause.  I likely wouldn't have told her at all unless it sort of came about more organically.  With easter and xmas being about the only times I was going to church I imagine it would have come to a head round about one of those times and I may have built up to it rather than just hitting her up out of the blue.  It's usually that shock, being blindsided, that is the worst.  If I could have figured out a way to lead her a bit better to where I was so the blow was much softer I would have done that.

 

     I suppose what I'm getting at is that I'm not suggesting that you keep this a secret but you work to set the stage for the reveal.  It's not something that is urgent.  It doesn't need to get out before a certain date or time, like a baby announcement, so you can work to make this a little easier for them to receive.  I can't really say how to do this because it depends on your family.  They may already suspect something and once they start to hear a few "hints" they may well realize the shoe is about to drop.  If they react poorly just give them some time because they may come at you hard as they process the new situation they find themselves in.  With any luck they'll accept it.  I found just being the same person you are now, just without the religious stuff, helps them see you as the same person they've always known and not some "new" person, a stranger, that they need to learn about and be around.  My mom talks about church and all that nonsense.  I sit and listen like I always did (well, before the pandemic).  It makes her happy.  She needs the crutch.  It's a part of her life.  I just don't participate in any of it (outside the usual weddings and funerals).

 

          mwc

 

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Coming out as a non-believer is best handled like a band-aid. Rip that sucker off and get it over with rather than drag it out.  :58:

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I was thinking about an example, maybe a bit extreme. Let us say your mother had head injury and started having hallucinations - this is actually a real thing as far as I know. In those hallucinations, you will die unless every midnight you start hitting yourself with a stick until you bleed. Being hallucinations, they are very resistant to logical thought unless the person acknowledges them as just hallucinations. You do refuse to do that, so your mother is in a constant state of anxiety.

 

Who IS really responsabile for her suffering? Your refusal, or her mind altering head injury?Now replace head injury with various sorts of indoctrination. 

 

Maybe this helps?

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  • 1 month later...

I’m struggling telling a friend of mine who’s becoming more and more religious. I wish I had answers for you. I can only offer support. I love the idea of just coming out and telling my friend but I’m very concerned  how she would handle it so I’m still holding out but it’s very hard. I’m living a lie. How are you doing with this? I realize I’m coming to this thread about a month late but maybe things have changed for you. 

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2 hours ago, SarahJaneSmith said:

I’m struggling telling a friend of mine who’s becoming more and more religious. I wish I had answers for you. I can only offer support. I love the idea of just coming out and telling my friend but I’m very concerned  how she would handle it so I’m still holding out but it’s very hard. I’m living a lie. How are you doing with this? I realize I’m coming to this thread about a month late but maybe things have changed for you. 

Well, that is NOT a frienship anymore, right? If you have to make up a whole other identity. That is you being a slave to what you imagine are her desires. 

      I assume no real harm will come to you if you gently tell her how you feel, except the break up of a frienship, which painful,as it might be is not the end. Be glad you ae not living in a place where there are apostasy laws.:)

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2 hours ago, Myrkhoos said:

Well, that is NOT a frienship anymore, right? If you have to make up a whole other identity. That is you being a slave to what you imagine are her desires. 

      I assume no real harm will come to you if you gently tell her how you feel, except the break up of a frienship, which painful,as it might be is not the end. Be glad you ae not living in a place where there are apostasy laws.:)

Normally I would agree wholeheartedly but there are extenuating circumstances which is why I’m unsure how to handle it. I realize that’s still an excuse but it’s where I am currently. 

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14 hours ago, SarahJaneSmith said:

Normally I would agree wholeheartedly but there are extenuating circumstances which is why I’m unsure how to handle it. I realize that’s still an excuse but it’s where I am currently. 

  If you do not reveal them it is hard for us to offer any meaningful advice.     

Please do not misunderstand me. Any such coming out to friends is difficult emotionally and sometimes practically. My point was simply that most probably bodily harm will not come your way, I hope. 

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On 8/13/2020 at 11:17 AM, MOHO said:

Coming out as a non-believer is best handled like a band-aid. Rip that sucker off and get it over with rather than drag it out. 

I've  been picking at that bandaid for years verrryy slooowly, dropping my doubts, questions and hints along the way so that if and when I finally use the "A word," it will come as no surprise. I'm jealous of those who can just openly proclaim their disbelief and I look forward to the day I can do that. 

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23 hours ago, SarahJaneSmith said:

 I love the idea of just coming out and telling my friend but I’m very concerned  how she would handle it so I’m still holding out but it’s very hard. I’m living a lie.

 

Friends, relatives, acquaintances dont need to know my religion. If someone (like a few relatives) assumes after 20 years that I'm still a Christian that's fine by me. Withholding info in this context is not a lie. Christians feel that one's beliefs are public knowledge. They are absolutely wrong. Christianity itself is a lie, has no merit and I dont base my life on it's silly standards. :) 

 

This works for me but my family are mostly heathens anyway. And I dont live in the bible belt. :) 

 

 

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