Idk wtf is happening to me

[decafaholic]

I mean, see title.
 

I've been an atheist for 14-ish years. I haven’t set foot in a church service since my niece’s christening 10 years ago. My husband is agnostic, my friends and family accept me. I get along well with my Christian coworkers and friends. I’m way past the angst of deconverting.

 

so I don’t have an explanation for why, in Mid April, I felt like my soul started opening up. Yes, working through COVID has been stressful but I’ve been through worse. Stress doesn’t explain it.

 

its a long story and if you want details, you can PM me.

 

What ended up happening is, I’m now experiencing overwhelming unconditional love on a regular basis. It’s nuts. “ God” is what I’m calling the source of this feeling. I don’t mean Jehova, or a man in the sky or even a being at all. I mean the source of love. For psychological purposes, I picture Love as a being when I pray, but it’s just a placeholder. 
 

for the first 2 weeks, this scared the living shit out of me. I wasn’t interested in spirituality and wasn't looking for God because my prior experiences with The Spiritual were riddled with rules and shame and lies. No thanks. 
 

but I’m having nothing but positive experiences with what I’m calling God this time. No rules. No guilt. Just love and acceptance. And it’s healing a lot of psychological pain I’ve been carrying around.

 

So yeah, I don’t even recognize myself at this point, but in a good way. I’m calmer. More patient. 
 

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate cause this is weird as fuck.

 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I'll take a stab at an answer.  Could it mean that deep down you have a caring, compassionate foundation that you didn't let out before because you were afraid of something?  Sometimes we get conditioned that the world is dangerous, and to protect ourselves we need to keep our distance from others, even be tough, perhaps agressive, to maintain that safe distance.  Then, if we let our guard down, and feel close to others, it can be frightful.   We might get hurt!    It happened to me many years ago.  I had a couple of panic attacks.  Funny thing.  I had forgotten that until I started writing this.  If this makes any sense to you, go to P.M.  By the way.  I went to a Christian college in central Arkansas. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

One more thought.  If it is a very positive experience,  what is the problem?

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Oops! You were Catholic.   We probably didnt go to the same school.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Something similar happened to me.  Similar; but not exact.  I suddenly opened up to the desire to become a better person purely for the benefit of being a better person.  This, in turn, opened me up to meditation (a practice I had publicly scorned prior) as a means of staying in touch with myself, as I tend to lose myself in work and family. 

 

I won't say I feel some sense of overwhelming love for everything and everyone; but I do feel slightly less repulsed by people, places, and things.    Joking, of course.  I feel more compassion and empathy.  In this regard, I think @Weezer might be on to something.  I was a very compassionate child before life started kicking my teeth in.  Now that I have gotten comfortable with the idea that I am in control of life and life doesn't control me, I can start to express that sensitive little kid who has always been there.  He's missed the sun and the smell of freshly plowed fields.  Also, he has really weird tastes in music, so fuck him.  

[decafaholic]

6 hours ago, Weezer said:

Oops! You were Catholic.   We probably didnt go to the same school.

 

I wasn't Catholic. I grew up Assemblies of God. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

20 minutes ago, decafaholic said:

 

I wasn't Catholic. I grew up Assemblies of God. 

Did I mention I graduated from Southeastern?

[decafaholic]

6 hours ago, Weezer said:

One more thought.  If it is a very positive experience,  what is the problem?

 

Terrible metaphor incoming:

 

Let's say one day you woke up and suddenly you had synesthesia. Hearing Individual musical notes causes you to see certain colors, so hearing music is a visual as well as auditory experience. Your first thought probably isn't "Wow! This is so cool! I see sound now!" Personally, my first thought would be "What the fuck is going on? Do I have a brain tumor or some shit? Where did these colors come from???"  That could also be because I'm generally an anxious person and I don't love change. 

 

My identity was built around "If we can't measure it, it doesn't exist" more or less. So it's jarring to my identity that 90 days ago, I was walking around in a world void of spirits or a higher power and now I'm letting myself connect with whatever-the-fuck-it-is on a daily basis. Like, I go to the chapel at work every day to sit in silence and talk with what I sometimes call "The Great Spirit". Could be my higher self, idk, but it's bringing so much healing to my life. It's overwhelming.

 

This may be, um, too much information, and please forgive me if it's too personal, but in my early 20's when I first started having sex, it was a similarly overwhelming experience for me. Just emotional overload. My boyfriend would be like "Are you okay? Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?" and I was just like " No! You didn't hurt me, I'm just feeling a lot of things!"

 

So for me, if a positive experience brings up a lot of emotions, it can be scary or overwhelming. 

[decafaholic]

4 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Did I mention I graduated from Southeastern?

Oh! The A/G school in Florida! I went to SAGU (in Texas) for 3 semesters. Generally, the impression I got is graduates from A/G schools either went on to become missionaries or alcoholics. Which one were you? 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

33 minutes ago, decafaholic said:

Oh! The A/G school in Florida! I went to SAGU (in Texas) for 3 semesters. Generally, the impression I got is graduates from A/G schools either went on to become missionaries or alcoholics. Which one were you? 

Failed missionary turned alcoholic. 

[decafaholic]

3 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Failed missionary turned alcoholic. 

 

There's a memoir I'll read! Shut up and take my money!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

25 minutes ago, decafaholic said:

 

There's a memoir I'll read! Shut up and take my money!

It's actually true.  Oddly enough, getting into recovery is what led me to agnosticism; and, more recently, re-opened the door to spirituality.  

 

On a sad note, though.  You're right; many of the people I know from college ended up involved in some kind of addiction, while the rest are still addicted to jesus.  The behavior patterns are the same; but, instead of crack or porn, they get their fix from their imaginary friend.

[decafaholic]

1 hour ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

It's actually true.  Oddly enough, getting into recovery is what led me to agnosticism; and, more recently, re-opened the door to spirituality.  

 

On a sad note, though.  You're right; many of the people I know from college ended up involved in some kind of addiction, while the rest are still addicted to jesus.  The behavior patterns are the same; but, instead of crack or porn, they get their fix from their imaginary friend.

Oh shit. Sorry. I thought you were joking about the failed missionary turned alcoholic thing. Congrats on your recovery! 

 

[♦ Fuego ♦]

A few things I've experienced:

 

After my deconversion, I went with my wife to a New Age crystal/book store. In one section, it felt like I was being hugged by my mom (passed away long ago). Such a feeling of peace and acceptance. Every time I would walk to that spot, I'd feel this. They called it a vortex to the other side. I have no idea, but it was repeatable. The section was witchcraft, and though I gravitate towards nature and the cycles of nature, spells don't really have any appeal to me. Actions and attitudes are more important to spirituality. I try not to get caught up in invisible worlds that I can't verify, or religious judgments like karma and such. I'm here, and while I'm here, what do I want to embody?

 

In processing my old faith, I started writing and really going over the details of what I had believed and if any of it was still valuable. I had a dream where I was chatting with a woman who asked me, "Is there anything worthwhile in it?" I replied "Yes. Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, if you have two coats share with him who has none." Kindness, compassion, empathy, actually helping others. None of the religion has any value, but when we make kindness our way in life by default, all of humanity gets better little by little. Even Jesus made that the deciding factor at his sheep and goats story. 

 

I've had mushrooms a few times and a newer substance that help give me a new perspective on me, how I interact with others, my own motivations, my attitudes, and how I view "reality". That affects how I place value on stuff and people, and helps me see more clearly what I really value and what I would like to become. It's like years of psychotherapy in a few hours. Others say that they can also be difficult if one doesn't wish to see inside one's motivations and behaviors. The most important thing is to allow them to show you what they want to tell you (what you on a deep level want to tell you, all life is connected really). Fighting and trying to stay in control it makes it more difficult and unpleasant. Relaxing and an attitude of openness to learning and experiencing is key. Float on the current they provide and then process later what you experienced. The mindset you have, and the setting of the place where you do this is hugely important in how the experience will be. 

 

So what you are feeling is good. Our feelings and senses are how we view reality and participate in it. The flip side of depression can rob people of any joy and hope for change. You have something that is giving you feelings of acceptance and love, and that is largely what I get when I "journey" with mushrooms in addition to having a more basic perspective on life and relationships. It isn't pursuing more stuff, prestige, fame, position, but recognizing how life is connected, how important it is to care for the planet and for others. That way I can live simply and find joy. Or I can be at work doing technical things that others don't understand, but it is about helping not arrogance. 

 

[decafaholic]

7 minutes ago, Fuego said:

You have something that is giving you feelings of acceptance and love, and that is largely what I get when I "journey" with mushrooms in addition to having a more basic perspective on life and relationships.

 

I'm a fan of Tucker Max and he's been vocal about how much MDMA has helped him in addition to psychotherapy. Tim Ferris is a huge fan of psychedelics for their benefits for PTSD sufferers. In fact, he's pouring a lot of money into research happening in the US, I think.

 

Back in April, I started visiting the little chapel we have at work (hospital) to be alone in silence. I started talking aloud about how stressed and angry and sad I was about COVID and being an essential worker and how I felt like I was barely hanging on. When I had gotten everything off my chest, I started spontaneously talking to myself in the most compassionate, accepting way. I've never done this before. I was saying "It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be upset. Everyone is having a hard time right now. You are so important to me and I'm going to take care of you. I love you and I've got you." 

 

And I kept going back to the chapel and doing this every day. Being open about how I felt and giving myself compassion. And I started feeling unconditional love for myself to a degree I've never felt before. Tucker Max describes MDMA as having a huge dose of dopamine dumped into his brain. Just complete safety and unconditional love. And in those moments, I would think "This is what Tucker was describing."

[TheRedneckProfessor]

38 minutes ago, decafaholic said:

Oh shit. Sorry. I thought you were joking about the failed missionary turned alcoholic thing. Congrats on your recovery! 

 

Haha.  Don't sweat it.  I don't usually talk about that side of my life; so it does tend to catch people off guard.  

[midniterider]

11 hours ago, decafaholic said:

 

but I’m having nothing but positive experiences with what I’m calling God this time. No rules. No guilt. Just love and acceptance. And it’s healing a lot of psychological pain I’ve been carrying around.

 

 

 

No rules, no guilt ... no scripture either I'd venture to say. Enjoy it.

[Joshpantera]

18 hours ago, decafaholic said:

I mean, see title.
 

I've been an atheist for 14-ish years. I haven’t set foot in a church service since my niece’s christening 10 years ago. My husband is agnostic, my friends and family accept me. I get along well with my Christian coworkers and friends. I’m way past the angst of deconverting.

 

so I don’t have an explanation for why, in Mid April, I felt like my soul started opening up. Yes, working through COVID has been stressful but I’ve been through worse. Stress doesn’t explain it.

 

its a long story and if you want details, you can PM me.

 

What ended up happening is, I’m now experiencing overwhelming unconditional love on a regular basis. It’s nuts. “ God” is what I’m calling the source of this feeling. I don’t mean Jehova, or a man in the sky or even a being at all. I mean the source of love. For psychological purposes, I picture Love as a being when I pray, but it’s just a placeholder. 
 

for the first 2 weeks, this scared the living shit out of me. I wasn’t interested in spirituality and wasn't looking for God because my prior experiences with The Spiritual were riddled with rules and shame and lies. No thanks. 
 

but I’m having nothing but positive experiences with what I’m calling God this time. No rules. No guilt. Just love and acceptance. And it’s healing a lot of psychological pain I’ve been carrying around.

 

So yeah, I don’t even recognize myself at this point, but in a good way. I’m calmer. More patient. 
 

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate cause this is weird as fuck.

 

 

 

Welcome to the world of ex christianity spirituality!!!

 

It doesn't have to be anything in particular. An interconnection to all things, the earth and universe abroad, is just the base level for pretty much all spirituality. From there it can take off into some organized form of it, or not. Some prefer to just leave it be in it's natural, base level form. And live independently spiritual minded. You don't have to believe in gods. You don't have to believe in just about anything. You can just feel it. Live it. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

On 7/3/2020 at 7:05 AM, decafaholic said:

 

I wasn't Catholic. I grew up Assemblies of God. 

I guess we learn something every day.  I didn't realize other churches did christening ceremonies. 

 

Hey, as long as the enthusiasm doesn't keep you from sleeping, getting enough rest, morphing into mania or panic attacks, or interfering with life, ENJOY!

[decafaholic]

3 hours ago, Weezer said:

I guess we learn something every day.  I didn't realize other churches did christening ceremonies. 

 

Hey, as long as the enthusiasm doesn't keep you from sleeping, getting enough rest, morphing into mania or panic attacks, or interfering with life, ENJOY!

Oh wow you have good attention to detail! My sister’s family is Baptist and I know they call it “ baby dedication” but I use the word “ Christening” because I honestly thought it was the same thing.