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My GTFO plan is underway, but I've had some doubts...


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Hello there, everyone. I just finished week 6 of a 10 week EMT program. Before the pandemic hit I had just started a warehouse job but had to leave that since mom is high risk(50s, overweight and diabetic) but am getting unemployment payment. After I pass my program, I plan to take the national exam, and then send in my paperwork and documents to get my license for where I want to work. The city I'm looking to relocate to is ~3 1/2 hours away from where I currently live at home, and my reason for wanting to escape is due to exasperation and frustration with family drama that's been going on for years.



Now I'm really not close to my mom or dad(they are divorced and he lives elsewhere). They had a VERY dysfunctional relationship throughout me and my sister's childhood especially in my adolescence. Around 3 weeks back, my mom was saying that it hurt that I'm distant and irritated around her, and brought up her signing over one of her two cars to me(I didn't ask, but she had considered it since I was a HS senior) and me still living at home. And yes, with both my parents I don't really talk to them, can be easily irritated when talking to them and even my relationship with my sister is up and down. But a few weeks back, she was talking on the phone to someone downstairs and was talking about that conversation. She then went on to tell the person(likely my grandma) about a time where I referenced frustration with my parents' mess growing up, and she said that was me ''getting upset over a hair out of place'', ''that I should go see what it's like living in the hood', etc. Now we are black, but she's an RN so we've always lived in a decent middle class area. Yes we always had some presents at Christmas, never were starved or malnourished, had cable etc. But none of that changes that there was some messed up things that occurred in my upbringing(again, much of this was in middle/early-mid high school):



-Parents had loud shouting matches with profane language to rival Adult Swim characters. Dad once told Mom her fat ass smelled like shit due to not being able to clean herself without squirting water. Add in some physical altercations with him shoving her, her scratching him, death threats from my old man, having told my mother at least once he would break her neck. Once told me he didn't like me because I was weak and said no girls would want me(I was 13).Speaking of which...



-My sister(3 years my junior) over the last few years has had problems with mood swings, anger and depression. While some of it had to do with some school drama the family mess was definitely a big factor. She has tried to run away or commit suicide by walking to an overpass to jump off, once trying  swallowing Window Cleaner or Nyquil, and last summer the cops were at our house 4 times(within 2 months)  because of she and my mom fighting physically and her pulling a piece of my mom's hair. The 4th time she actually swallows various pills and is rushed to the hospital and stabilized. Parents start their blame game crap right there in her ED room and I tell them both to shut it, Dad takes off belt and says he will''break my neck/beat my ass'' and Mom calls for security. Just around two weeks before that incident me and him had spent some time together and he had been giving the whole apology speech and all that, which wasn't even the first time.



-During middle school, we were even exposed to their accusations at each other of cheating. My dad had even gone to our old church, and had me come out of youth group to tell me my mom allegedly ''had condoms in her car''. He actually has a girlfriend now that he is engaged too but I'm not invested in another train wreck.



So that gives you at least some idea of what I've been through. I'm not in any physical danger, but it was just stressful to deal with all this shit. Aside from standard corporal punishment(black family, so this could include face smacks rarely) they have never starved, bruised, burned, scarred or done any real physical harm, but they have left me just feeling burned out with this situation, especially with my mom not only saying I still need to try to forgive and have a relationship with my dad, but she's also homophobic, accused me of being gay for never having a girlfriend and saying ''it's not normal even with what's going on in the world and my job training. Plus there's her telling me and my sister to have 4 kids each one day(in case some are gay, so her blood passes on). I'm not cool with that, or her telling me I'm going to hell earlier during the pandemic(end times craze.) 



But even being aware of all this there is still a part of me trying to wonder if things were really that bad, but the other wants to move on to better things, and get back on track with college education(financial aid through vocational rehabilitation department, due to autism) and focus on that and building myself up for my career(game warden or park ranger) so that if I start a family one day I won't have to put them through similar BS. But I don't plan on telling them when I move out, and I'm unsure of if I permanently cut contact, or at least till I have some clarity?


Thoughts? Thank you.

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You seem to have gone through a lot, so I just wanted to wish you good luck!


Although I don't have a lot of advice to offer, one thing that often gets mentioned when someone is planning to move away from a difficult situation, is to get copies of essential papers like your birth certificate and so on, and bring them out or have them ready beforehand. Also, make sure all your bank accounts are in your name only.

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Sounds like you have a good escape plan and many good reasons to get out soon.     

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Glad that you are making definite plans. The virus has certainly changed a lot of our plans, so hoping you are able to get out and not look back. Hoping your sister is able to find her strength and find a way out also.


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Wow, that's a lot to have gone through. I'll just double down on what Rounin said. Have any paperwork that you are ever going to need already out. If there's family pictures that you think you may want later, scan them into the cloud. Definitely telling them after you've already gone is good. In my situation, I went 2000 miles away, so hopefully they don't try to chase you since you're only going to be 3 1/2 hours away. Somehow relaying to them that you are safe in a new location seems sufficient (and kind), until you can sort out what is best in the future.


It's 5 years after my exit, and still am trying to navigate my relationships with my family. Other than the two that I am safe with, I don't reach out to any of them. So far, nothing too weird has happened. Dad has mentioned in writing a couple of times that he'd like to see me again, but he has no interest in my life now and acknowledges nothing of my current life if I happen to offer anything, so it's confusing to me why he seems to want to see me again.


Relationships are a dance. I'm completely with you that some of them just aren't worth the stress and chaos. I'll acknowledge that there is certainly stress and chaos removing yourself from them. Over time, the pain is less sharp. Best wishes, and I hope that you'll update us occasionally.

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On 7/31/2020 at 8:26 PM, ZenPaladin said:

The city I'm looking to relocate to is ~3 1/2 hours away from where I currently live at home, and my reason for wanting to escape is due to exasperation and frustration with family drama that's been going on for years.

I absolutely think moving out is a good idea. I'm a firm believer in being financially and socially independent for this reason also. I grew up in a toxic fundamentalist family and there was just no time or energy to even sort through and compartmentalize all the toxicity that was going around in the family. Being able to afford and live in your own apartment goes a long way to re-centering yourself and processing those experiences/emotions. It sounds like you're going through a lot and I wish you good luck on your plans! 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I can offer only this:

I'm at the opposite end of life.

My parents never really liked me and were both incapable of relating to me as their son, each in their own way.

It's hard, nearly impossible to truly accept for most, especially when you're young, that parents are people, burdened with all the flaws of we humans.


I've never had children, but I've a close female friend who is my age and is a mother.

She helped me see that parents can spend a lifetime engulfed in the conflict between maternal/paternal instinct compounded with society's expectations of parents, and the simple reality that as children grow and develop, sometimes they become people that a parent just doesn't like or feel close to.


My father is long gone and my mother and I no longer speak.

I'm not proud of this, nor does it make me happy.

I'm not by nature an emotionally-strong person and it hurts.

I've had to find some peace though in knowing that I tried.

It's just one more reason I lost belief in the god of the bible.


Try to tell me that this is all caused by "original sin" and you'll lose me there.

Human beings are strange animals.



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