Not feeling too great, thinking about how cringey I was...

[ZenPaladin]

Guys, I will tell you that having Asperger's sucks. Despite what TV and movies might show, being on the spectrum does not automatically make you have savant skills on a certain subject or just extremely smart. Aside from not being the best in middle school going onwards, I was very socially awkward with little to no understanding of boundaries, getting too attached to people, and doing Legos and sword fights with other kids in middle school which my dad called me out for. Speaking of which, it also wasn't the best home environment since it was the same time of my parents having major fights and dysfunction, including getting physical and plenty of cursing and insults and accusations of cheating. But its hard to not feel that shame and embarassment for how I was. I was in therapy for several months and it helped, but right now I'm focusing on finishing my EMT program so I can move out(discreetly)

I know that a condition and troubled home life shouldn't be an excuse to just get away with things. But there's no denying how those things can really impede a child's development, and I do feel(and have had it stated before by a cousin) that me and my sister in a sense ''raised ourselves'' given the turmoil with our parents went up to 11 from me beginning middle school onwards. But there's still shame in how I was and sure the time lost sucks since high school wasn't as bad but still lonely, but even now at 20 years old I can't help but feel not only ashamed, but also pathetic in a sense. And the pandemic and lockdown just reinforces a feeling of hopelessness since socializing will be even harder, and never mind having a relationship(Dad once said no girl would ever want me)

I mean, I'm not what one would typically expect from a tall black guy. I was never into sports(dad tried to force me to be into basketball a couple of times) and have always been nerdy, don't like rap music, etc. Not to say I've had a problem with being told ''I act white'' but I guess it does add to that feeling of being out of place, on top of being an ExChristian. And let me tell you, being agnostic/atheist or non-Christian can be quite taboo among many blacks outside of just not being a church goer.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense and was kinda rambly, but when you leave the religious stuff behind and then you truly reflect and understand your life problems from a secular viewpoint, you wonder just what to do with yourself now?

[♦ Fuego ♦]

9 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

when you leave the religious stuff behind and then you truly reflect and understand your life problems from a secular viewpoint, you wonder just what to do with yourself now?

 

Sure. The cult gave us a false sense of reality that had an ultimate purpose (sort of), and some social cliques. It helped that before I left church that I had already pulled back from church-going over other issues, so there wasn't such a huge change in social aspects as there was in how I saw reality. When that changed, "meaning to life" became what I gave it, meaning there is no ultimate meaning, just "what would I like to be or become?"  That was huge, since I didn't have to check to see if it was "God's will". Now with the COVID situation, I don't even have social outlets anymore. In a way I have to scale my expectations way back and decide what basic life is about, and go about doing what I can to become more kind and patient, since those are things I value. I do a lot more things like cooking from scratch, and things that my grandparents would have done to take care of the house and property before we had a lot of technology. 

 

I know a handful of blacks in my jazz/singing circle and understand that church forms a huge part of belonging in black culture, even if it isn't really taken seriously. I always thought it odd that Beyonce would pray before going out and singing bootylicious, but it's part of the culture to give a nod to the religion even if it is only as a good luck charm. But it is expected, unless another religion takes its place (like Islam). I also know a handful of guys that deal with Asperger's, and it truly makes a lot of expected human interactions more difficult. I also was never into sports, and 90% of the guys I've interacted with in life are either fans or super-fans of sports, so I'm automatically excluded when they start off saying "Did you see the game last night?". All of the normal social grease is missing. So I found people that enjoyed making music, few of whom are sports fans, and they became my new social circle. Now even that has been stripped away by the virus, except via social media. So I look for things to do alone, things that help me or others, things that are interesting to me, otherwise just existing can be overwhelmingly stale. I try to learn about things I haven't explored, like music theory, electronics, drywall repair, and other things I can learn and then do. That keeps my mind satisfied for the most part. And I explore "spirituality" because it is fascinating to ponder what is real or not, what am I, is this a simulation, are we beings of energy not just flesh, and other metaphysical thoughts to help satisfy the emotions. 

[TABA]

12 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

But there's still shame in how I was and sure the time lost sucks since high school wasn't as bad but still lonely, but even now at 20 years old I can't help but feel not only ashamed, but also pathetic in a sense. And the pandemic and lockdown just reinforces a feeling of hopelessness since socializing will be even harder, and never mind having a relationship(Dad once said no girl would ever want me)

I think you need to cut yourself some slack and take credit for having figured out so much at such an early age.  I think we all cringe a little (or a lot) when we look back at our younger selves, and many of us took decades to figure out who we really were.  You’re a smart, articulate and courageous young man and trust me there are young ladies out there who will be interested in you!  I know you’re impatient to set out on your journey through manhood, but you’ve already started and I predict it’s going to be a rewarding one!

[Joshpantera]

On 8/16/2020 at 1:25 AM, ZenPaladin said:

And the pandemic and lockdown just reinforces a feeling of hopelessness since socializing will be even harder, and never mind having a relationship(Dad once said no girl would ever want me)

 

WTF?????????

 

My step son has asperger's. I cant imagine either his dad or myself saying such a thing. First of all, your dad is incorrect. Sure, you're facing a challenge in life. So are a ton of other people too, though. My step son has focused in on a few things. Guitar is one of them. He can play pretty much anything he sets out to play. I can't think of any song or solo that he couldn't play. So he has that going for him. He also likes diesel trucks and is going into trade school. In his mind dating is set off right now, because he wants to get through trade school and have himself set up independently before going that direction. But his mother and I feel confident that he'll find the right girl when the time comes. 

 

On 8/16/2020 at 1:25 AM, ZenPaladin said:

I mean, I'm not what one would typically expect from a tall black guy. I was never into sports(dad tried to force me to be into basketball a couple of times) and have always been nerdy, don't like rap music, etc. Not to say I've had a problem with being told ''I act white'' but I guess it does add to that feeling of being out of place, on top of being an ExChristian. And let me tell you, being agnostic/atheist or non-Christian can be quite taboo among many blacks outside of just not being a church goer.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense and was kinda rambly, but when you leave the religious stuff behind and then you truly reflect and understand your life problems from a secular viewpoint, you wonder just what to do with yourself now?

 

Yeah, there's no imaginary jesus to run in and save the day. But there is you yourself. You can take from the jesus myth that you have it all within you (luke 17:21). That being said, don't jinx yourself or let other people jinx "you" into thinking that you can't do this or that. You can do pretty much whatever you set your mind to, in terms of accomplishment. No imaginary jesus, but you yourself in control of the helm. 

[TABA]

59 minutes ago, Joshpantera said:

In his mind dating is set off right now, because he wants to get through trade school and have himself set up independently before going that direction.

 

Some college degrees have great value, many other do not, but one thing is for sure: we need more young people going to trade school.  All these hands-on jobs need good people to fill them, they generally pay pretty well, and they can’t be outsourced to India or China.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I have nothing to add to the good advise above,  except to say, HANG IN THERE!!

[ZenPaladin]

On 8/16/2020 at 10:46 AM, TABA said:

I think you need to cut yourself some slack and take credit for having figured out so much at such an early age.  I think we all cringe a little (or a lot) when we look back at our younger selves, and many of us took decades to figure out who we really were.  You’re a smart, articulate and courageous young man and trust me there are young ladies out there who will be interested in you!  I know you’re impatient to set out on your journey through manhood, but you’ve already started and I predict it’s going to be a rewarding one!

I'm thinking your right, but it can be hard. Sometimes I either have a doubt of feeling depressed(not clinical, but feeling down) or even feeling anger, at my self or even coming close to falling into the mindset of feeling the world's against me. I know it's not healthy, but I'm feeling it now as I type this...

[ZenPaladin]

On 8/17/2020 at 7:50 AM, Joshpantera said:

 

WTF?????????

 

My step son has asperger's. I cant imagine either his dad or myself saying such a thing. First of all, your dad is incorrect. Sure, you're facing a challenge in life. So are a ton of other people too, though. My step son has focused in on a few things. Guitar is one of them. He can play pretty much anything he sets out to play. I can't think of any song or solo that he couldn't play. So he has that going for him. He also likes diesel trucks and is going into trade school. In his mind dating is set off right now, because he wants to get through trade school and have himself set up independently before going that direction. But his mother and I feel confident that he'll find the right girl when the time comes. 

 

 

Yeah, there's no imaginary jesus to run in and save the day. But there is you yourself. You can take from the jesus myth that you have it all within you (luke 17:21). That being said, don't jinx yourself or let other people jinx "you" into thinking that you can't do this or that. You can do pretty much whatever you set your mind to, in terms of accomplishment. No imaginary jesus, but you yourself in control of the helm. 

The things is, I'm currently in one of those moods where I feel pretty shitty, and even angry. Not just at myself, but at my parents given the years of dysfunction and fighting. And always reading about the ''be happy with yourself first stuff'' regarding dating makes it worst, since it seems so arbitrary and I'll never reach that point, so I might just be alone forever. Hell, my whole problem is that I'm lonely period.

[DanForsman]

I'm in agreement with the idea that you need to find joy in your own life first. What is the alternative? Expecting to find a partner to put your life together for you is probably not even doable although a lot of old Disney movies and romantic films might give you the impression that it is. People are drawn to people who seem to know themselves and what they want. You're only 20 which means that probably your best dating opportunities are ahead of you. As we move on from adolescence potential partners start to appreciate more basic everyday abilities in other people and many young people who were overlooked as partner material in their younger dating years find their value rises as they are able to establish themselves in their work and in just creating a life for themselves. You still will have plenty of time for serious dating after you establish yourself in your career and then potential dates will know that you are someone who is likely to be able to hold up your end financially at least and you will have proven that to yourself as well. When you start earning a paycheck if you are still unhappy with yourself you should try some therapy. You're young and seem quite capable so try to relax and have more faith in yourself. Your family may have set some traps for you with thoughtless comments and dysfunctional relationships but it is possible to work through these things and leave them behind. You can only go one step at a time but if you can learn to enjoy the ride and have a little more confidence in yourself the speed you're moving at will loose much of the negative context it has for you right now. Moving into your own life is a very big deal. The overwhelmingly important thing is that you have goals and are going somewhere so allow yourself time and don't shortchange yourself for not having gotten where you want to be yet.          

[ZenPaladin]

14 hours ago, DanForsman said:

I'm in agreement with the idea that you need to find joy in your own life first. What is the alternative? Expecting to find a partner to put your life together for you is probably not even doable although a lot of old Disney movies and romantic films might give you the impression that it is. People are drawn to people who seem to know themselves and what they want. You're only 20 which means that probably your best dating opportunities are ahead of you. As we move on from adolescence potential partners start to appreciate more basic everyday abilities in other people and many young people who were overlooked as partner material in their younger dating years find their value rises as they are able to establish themselves in their work and in just creating a life for themselves. You still will have plenty of time for serious dating after you establish yourself in your career and then potential dates will know that you are someone who is likely to be able to hold up your end financially at least and you will have proven that to yourself as well. When you start earning a paycheck if you are still unhappy with yourself you should try some therapy. You're young and seem quite capable so try to relax and have more faith in yourself. Your family may have set some traps for you with thoughtless comments and dysfunctional relationships but it is possible to work through these things and leave them behind. You can only go one step at a time but if you can learn to enjoy the ride and have a little more confidence in yourself the speed you're moving at will loose much of the negative context it has for you right now. Moving into your own life is a very big deal. The overwhelmingly important thing is that you have goals and are going somewhere so allow yourself time and don't shortchange yourself for not having gotten where you want to be yet.          

Thanks and you're right, sometimes I guess I just feel down. Plus I gotta say I like the way you type your responses lol.

[Joshpantera]

@Clayton_Veno is a new member here who has also come forward as autistic. I just want to make sure that you two are formerly introduced. Clayton has things that he'd like to discuss with all of us as well. And perhaps also get involved here in this discussion. 

[Joshpantera]

On 8/19/2020 at 2:37 AM, ZenPaladin said:

The things is, I'm currently in one of those moods where I feel pretty shitty, and even angry. Not just at myself, but at my parents given the years of dysfunction and fighting. And always reading about the ''be happy with yourself first stuff'' regarding dating makes it worst, since it seems so arbitrary and I'll never reach that point, so I might just be alone forever. Hell, my whole problem is that I'm lonely period.

 

As an INTJ personality, I will say that people, society, and socializing is highly over rated!!!  Nothing to yearn for, if you ask me. 

 

Dating too!!! What you're currently missing out on is the high potential for a lot of BS. With maybe some good things mixed in if you're lucky. I've been through train wreck relationships one after the next since middle school. Seriously. I'm on my second marriage at 44. It's actually very good and finally things have fallen into place, but at mid age!!! I used to sit around saying things just like you. I was very reckless in my 20's and early 30's due to a, "what does it matter? I have no wife or family" attitude. I did a lot of very ballsy things, on that premise. The premise of what does it matter? 

 

I know that you're just having a rant, but still, I would like to see both you boys figure out how to find your place in the world. You and my step son both. My chemistry teacher in high school was on the spectrum. Walked on his toes. Kept his shoulders high in posture all the time. Was socially awkward. But had a wife and kids, taught at the school, had a very full life despite the fact. There was a women who wanted him! And there can just as well be a similar (or several over the years) for both of you boys too. Don't write yourself off so easily.....