I cannot do this anymore

[ReducedtoAtoms]

My title for this sounds like a nicko ado avocado video but lemme just rant. 

 

I really can't get away from Christina ty or religion in general for 2 seconds? I can't get away from people saying I'm going to hell, or look at Jesus's wonderful miracles. I believe in away higher being and something more spuritual, but I myself away not much of a sprititual person. 

 

I feel stupid and sick because some miracle happened with Jesus or a guy yelling about how hell is real and I rejected god and how that's the most ultimate sin. (One that can't be forgiven) 

 

Not even me scrolling through hours and hours and logical and reasonable antheist arguments are helping my anxiety. I can't even sleep at night. 

 

I don't think I can sleep until I die and see that there's nothing there except family members I've never met waiting for me. 

 

And if God is going to send me to hell I only hope he realizes why I didn't follow through with christinaity, that is unless I personally brainwash myself into becomING a believer (in him) 

 

I'm tired of thinking and maybe since prayer works so well that an unborn baby got brought back to life, maybe I can pray myself out of existence. Anyone else feel hopeless? 

[Eugene39]

Hi Reduced, yes, I remember those days. It's been ten years ago now for me. I found it healthy to take "time off" from trying to figure it out. Is there a park nearby that you can escape to "Mother Nature" for awhile, away from the Christians and the Internet?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

When I was 6 years old, I asked my mother what hell would be like.  With the sincere intensity that only a fundamentalist, evangelical, pentecostal sadist can inflict, she told me to imagine the absolute worst pain I could ever endure and that would only be a bee sting compared to hell.  Eyes inflamed, she told this to a (vividly imaginative) 6 year old boy.  She enjoyed inflicting pain on others; and still does.  For her, it is a means of expressing the misery she suffers herself.  It is a means of controlling others because she feels out of control herself.  She inflicts guilt on others to keep herself from having to deal with her own.

 

And her religion gives her the perfect excuse.

 

christianity gives her Carte Blanche to be as hateful, spiteful, vindictive, and toxic as she actually feels inside, all in the name of "love" and "forgiveness".  christianity, for her, is a distortion of the greatest of human virtues--compassion, integrity, generosity, tolerance--into the most imprisoning of vices.

 

She is a broken woman: broken by childhood trauma, broken by religion, broken by a flawed decision-making process that has wrought devastating consequences in her own life and the lives of everyone around her.  christianity keeps her broken, promising a healing that never comes, miracles that will never materialize.  Keeping her from ever realizing that the root of all her torment is her own mind; and the source of healing is within herself.

 

She is trapped on one side of her religion.  You are trapped on the other side of it.  

 

Walk away.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

13 hours ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

 

I really can't get away from Christina ty or religion in general for 2 seconds? I can't get away from people saying I'm going to hell, or look at Jesus's wonderful miracles. 

 

I assume you mean in a figurative sense, not literally.  Like Eugene said, stop focusing on it.  Get out of the house and do something to completely distract yourself.  Go to a zoo---out in nature.  What you are doing is keeping you bogged down.  Even if you are not suicidal yet, call a suicide hot line and tell them your feelings.  And get an appointment at a mental health clinic ASAP.  And don't drink coffee or use any stimulants or drugs until you can get a handle on yourself.  And make sure you are eating okay.  I don't normally recommend this, but right now it might help to eat some "comfort" food.  Best wishes!

[LogicalFallacy]

Short of living with a fundy Christian who is in your face 24/7 you should be able to get away from it for some period of time.

 

We've all been there where thoughts consume you and it seems like you can't get away. However, my advice is that if you are continually reading stuff online, or reading books, or engaging in conversations that you could otherwise walk away from then you are exacerbating the situation. Give yourself permission to just switch off. Turn off the computer/phone, don't talk to the Christian, go for a walk, do something you enjoy.

 

I'd also suggest talking to a professional secular therapist who is trained to deal with religious trauma. Ex-C recommends Marlene Winell - she offers a free 20 minute consultation. https://journeyfree.org/ 

[ReducedtoAtoms]

On 10/5/2020 at 10:12 PM, Eugene39 said:

Hi Reduced, yes, I remember those days. It's been ten years ago now for me. I found it healthy to take "time off" from trying to figure it out. Is there a park nearby that you can escape to "Mother Nature" for awhile, away from the Christians and the Internet?

I can go outside, but my anxiety just follows me around 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

8 hours ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I can go outside, but my anxiety just follows me around 

You really need to see a doctor or mental health professional about your anxiety.  

[Whatajoke]

I feel same way you do. I spent my whole life praying and believing. I tried to help people they stole my identity ended up divorced she slammed me hard financially my own brother fucked me I have heart problems now and I worked my ass off as small contractor 55 hours a week. Fuck his he is a prick 

[ReducedtoAtoms]

On 11/26/2020 at 1:15 AM, Whatajoke said:

I feel same way you do. I spent my whole life praying and believing. I tried to help people they stole my identity ended up divorced she slammed me hard financially my own brother fucked me I have heart problems now and I worked my ass off as small contractor 55 hours a week. Fuck his he is a prick 

 

I'm so sorry about that, God really does pick and choose who to love and save as if he's not even there. But even if he isn't you still didn't deserve that.

[Castiel233]

No one knows, what (if anything) lays beyond this life, please do not drive yourself mad by mentally chasing phantoms, been there, done that. It is a itch than you can never scratch away. 

[florduh]

“People don’t get what they deserve. They just get what they get, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.” - Dr. House

 

No point getting knotted up about a fairy tale. If you're drawn to such things, pick another fairy tale to fret over for awhile. Islam, Scientology, Ancient Aliens - anything! Eventually you should figure out it's all crap. If you're not making any progress toward rationality then please seek professional help because there's no need to suffer for someone else's delusion.

[Lost]

Hey ReducedtoAtoms!

 

My last time, when I was sitting in Evangelical Church with my fellows was the 1st July 2018.

 

More than 2 years passed and I still sometimes feel observed by them. 

I decided to let one Christian friend stay in my life, but she says to me from time to time that people from church still ask about me and miss me and all that stuff.

 

Personally I am an introvert and work for most of my life to be less shy and more confident or brave.

If someone believe in zodiac signs I am a Cancer.

So I am emotional and sensitive inside, but when I am with people that I am comfortable with I am much more open and I am able to laugh and even scream and shout or curse sometimes.

 

My personality traits and my quiet way of living among people makes everything much more difficult in life and even FAITH than it is for confident and loud extroverts.

 

I am somewhere in the middle od Richard Dawkins Atheism Scale and I am not fully convinced whether God exists or not.

 

But I know that mostly because of my introvertism and lack of stability in faith I am not able to live in community of Christian people in church, although such community gives lots of security and You make believers feel save.

 

Personally I would prefer to be a person who truly believes in God for 100% and be comfortable with conservative ways of living or being a person who is 100% convinced that God does not exist and is a fairy tale and being liberal activist for human rights.

 

But I am in the MIDDLE, torn between conservatism and liberalism, not really knowing what to do about it.

I just try to work hard everyday and being nice for people as much as I can, although sometimes I should say out loud my opinion in front of a BOSS at work, but my fear and introvertism stops me.

 

I lost a lot in life, my grandparents, my mum, my boyfriend and when I visit their tombstones in cementary I still pray in my own personal way to Jesus and I still FEAR what is really after death and I feel sad about how many people never can find happiness in life and many are even dead alive.

 

I lost my insanity, when I started realizing that there is probably NO God and still my crisis of faith and losing God makes me incredibly unstable. I even developed a shopaholic addiction and I have a HUGE debt.

Lawyers who specialize in debt try to help me with all of that and maybe next year I will be able to file for bankruptcy.

 

My 68 year old dad started drinking 10 beers a day, because of my troubles with debts and I worry everyday will he be still alive, when I come back from work?

 

I'm 27 years old and my 30's are closer than ever before and I feel like my youth disappeared among doubts about right ways of living in this world

 

I wish I would be a good Christian girl who has good morals and never losing faith in GOD, but it just happened and his whole protection over my life in gone.

 

BUT I try my best everyday to stay alive and hope for the better in the future.

 

My next fear is whether COVID- 19 is real or not or maybe there are going to be MICROCHIPS in vaccines and I will go to HELL for that so...yeah LIFE is crazy.

 

Wish You all the best ReducedtoAtoms and I hope that You will learn to live with Your doubts as I did and still DO.

 

Wish there was a real CLARITY in this world, whether GOD exist or not

 

 

[Castiel233]

15 hours ago, Lost said:

Hey ReducedtoAtoms!

 

My last time, when I was sitting in Evangelical Church with my fellows was the 1st July 2018.

 

More than 2 years passed and I still sometimes feel observed by them. 

I decided to let one Christian friend stay in my life, but she says to me from time to time that people from church still ask about me and miss me and all that stuff.

 

Personally I am an introvert and work for most of my life to be less shy and more confident or brave.

If someone believe in zodiac signs I am a Cancer.

So I am emotional and sensitive inside, but when I am with people that I am comfortable with I am much more open and I am able to laugh and even scream and shout or curse sometimes.

 

My personality traits and my quiet way of living among people makes everything much more difficult in life and even FAITH than it is for confident and loud extroverts.

 

I am somewhere in the middle od Richard Dawkins Atheism Scale and I am not fully convinced whether God exists or not.

 

But I know that mostly because of my introvertism and lack of stability in faith I am not able to live in community of Christian people in church, although such community gives lots of security and You make believers feel save.

 

Personally I would prefer to be a person who truly believes in God for 100% and be comfortable with conservative ways of living or being a person who is 100% convinced that God does not exist and is a fairy tale and being liberal activist for human rights.

 

But I am in the MIDDLE, torn between conservatism and liberalism, not really knowing what to do about it.

I just try to work hard everyday and being nice for people as much as I can, although sometimes I should say out loud my opinion in front of a BOSS at work, but my fear and introvertism stops me.

 

I lost a lot in life, my grandparents, my mum, my boyfriend and when I visit their tombstones in cementary I still pray in my own personal way to Jesus and I still FEAR what is really after death and I feel sad about how many people never can find happiness in life and many are even dead alive.

 

I lost my insanity, when I started realizing that there is probably NO God and still my crisis of faith and losing God makes me incredibly unstable. I even developed a shopaholic addiction and I have a HUGE debt.

Lawyers who specialize in debt try to help me with all of that and maybe next year I will be able to file for bankruptcy.

 

My 68 year old dad started drinking 10 beers a day, because of my troubles with debts and I worry everyday will he be still alive, when I come back from work?

 

I'm 27 years old and my 30's are closer than ever before and I feel like my youth disappeared among doubts about right ways of living in this world

 

I wish I would be a good Christian girl who has good morals and never losing faith in GOD, but it just happened and his whole protection over my life in gone.

 

BUT I try my best everyday to stay alive and hope for the better in the future.

 

My next fear is whether COVID- 19 is real or not or maybe there are going to be MICROCHIPS in vaccines and I will go to HELL for that so...yeah LIFE is crazy.

 

Wish You all the best ReducedtoAtoms and I hope that You will learn to live with Your doubts as I did and still DO.

 

Wish there was a real CLARITY in this world, whether GOD exist or not

 

 

 

[Castiel233]

Covid 19 is def real, I have had it, probably caught it at work ( I work in a hospital). I will be having the vaccine. 

[Lost]

4 minutes ago, Castiel233 said:

Covid 19 is def real, I have had it, probably caught it at work ( I work in a hospital). I will be having the vaccine. 

 

Yes, I also think that it is real.

 

I'm going to start my new job as a nurse in February.

[Castiel233]

Just now, Lost said:

 

Yes, I also think that it is real.

 

I'm going to start my new job as a nurse in February.

All the best and good luck in your career. 

[Lost]

2 hours ago, Castiel233 said:

All the best and good luck in your career. 

 

Thank You Castiel233.

 

All the best for You too and in your work at the hospital

[freshstart]

On 12/5/2020 at 3:40 PM, Lost said:

Hey ReducedtoAtoms!

 

My last time, when I was sitting in Evangelical Church with my fellows was the 1st July 2018.

 

More than 2 years passed and I still sometimes feel observed by them. 

I decided to let one Christian friend stay in my life, but she says to me from time to time that people from church still ask about me and miss me and all that stuff.

 

Personally I am an introvert and work for most of my life to be less shy and more confident or brave.

If someone believe in zodiac signs I am a Cancer.

So I am emotional and sensitive inside, but when I am with people that I am comfortable with I am much more open and I am able to laugh and even scream and shout or curse sometimes.

 

My personality traits and my quiet way of living among people makes everything much more difficult in life and even FAITH than it is for confident and loud extroverts.

 

I am somewhere in the middle od Richard Dawkins Atheism Scale and I am not fully convinced whether God exists or not.

 

But I know that mostly because of my introvertism and lack of stability in faith I am not able to live in community of Christian people in church, although such community gives lots of security and You make believers feel save.

 

Personally I would prefer to be a person who truly believes in God for 100% and be comfortable with conservative ways of living or being a person who is 100% convinced that God does not exist and is a fairy tale and being liberal activist for human rights.

 

But I am in the MIDDLE, torn between conservatism and liberalism, not really knowing what to do about it.

I just try to work hard everyday and being nice for people as much as I can, although sometimes I should say out loud my opinion in front of a BOSS at work, but my fear and introvertism stops me.

 

 

Wow, @Lost there is so much to unwrap here.  You've had many personal tragedies, you imply your dad has a drinking problem, you are on the verge of bankruptcy, it sounds like you are a new nurse (I know nursing school is no easy feat. . .I'm a former professor of nursing). . . and you are struggling with many choices like what to believe in, and feeling uncomfortable with being unable to put yourself in a category like "liberal" or "conservative." For some of these things, I think you might be creating struggle where struggle does not need to exist.  Lots of things in life are on a continuum:  mental health, religious belief, sexuality, political affiliations, even things like morals change depending on cultural and environmental "norms."  My advice is to simply accept yourself the way you are, with all your insecurities and doubts and undecidedness.  Once you stop fretting about where you are supposed to be and how you are supposed to think, perhaps you'll be able to relax and absorb information from multiple sources and actually process this information and eventually come to terms with who you are - without having to label yourself.  You are unique.  As long  as you aren't harming other people, there is no right or wrong way to think or live.  

 

[Lost]

21 hours ago, freshstart said:

 

Wow, @Lost there is so much to unwrap here.  You've had many personal tragedies, you imply your dad has a drinking problem, you are on the verge of bankruptcy, it sounds like you are a new nurse (I know nursing school is no easy feat. . .I'm a former professor of nursing). . . and you are struggling with many choices like what to believe in, and feeling uncomfortable with being unable to put yourself in a category like "liberal" or "conservative." For some of these things, I think you might be creating struggle where struggle does not need to exist.  Lots of things in life are on a continuum:  mental health, religious belief, sexuality, political affiliations, even things like morals change depending on cultural and environmental "norms."  My advice is to simply accept yourself the way you are, with all your insecurities and doubts and undecidedness.  Once you stop fretting about where you are supposed to be and how you are supposed to think, perhaps you'll be able to relax and absorb information from multiple sources and actually process this information and eventually come to terms with who you are - without having to label yourself.  You are unique.  As long  as you aren't harming other people, there is no right or wrong way to think or live.  

 

 

Thank You freshstart for Your advice

 

With the whole respect towards ReducedToAtoms who created this thread, I am going to answer.

 

I guess I have no choice and I need to accept that my doubts are part of my daily living.

 

Sometimes I wonder, why my life has to be so complicated.

In some places like work and in public, I have to be stable as much as I can, but luckily at home I can be as lazy and not caring as it is possible.

 

I am often jealous that other people create relationships so easily and have parents, this whole support and become pregnant so quickly, when at the same time I stand around them as a product of my life's struggles, stuck in my doubts.

 

I hope that in the future I will meet my soulmates, who can teach me much more than people around me and have deeper understanding of people' nature. Soulmates who experienced enough pain to gain extraordinary wisdom.

 

When it comes to NURSING I am truly impressed freshstart that You achieved such level as a professor

 

That what I don't regret in my life are definitely Nursing Studies Although my mind was in clouds at that time and my grades were on basic level and not that great I am satisfied that I could help many patients and nurses during Nursing practices in hospitals in my hometown.

 

I finished 3 years of Nursing School as Licensed Nurse in July 2016, but I was too undecided to go straightaway to work.

In between I spent 2 years studying Public Health and 2 years studying higher level of Nursing (Masters - that's how it is called in the US), but neither of them were finished to the end.

 

So I've got time only till July 2021 to start work as a NURSE (after 5 years of final diploma), otherwise my qualifications must be renew after 5 years.

 

Hope that in February I will be enough motivated to start my Nursing Career, despite they whole mess in my head.

 

For some time I was thinking to start working as Psychiatric Nurse, but I got to conclusion that it would make me even more miserable, because of my personality disorder (my psychologist from the near past diagnosed me with this condition).

 

Now I think much more about General Nursing, Outpatient or Surgical Nursing.

 

For now I am an ordinary worker who try their best at McDonald's. I work there since June 2018.

The pace of work at McDonald's and the whole pressure of time is exhausting there

 

[freshstart]

5 hours ago, Lost said:

Now I think much more about General Nursing, Outpatient or Surgical Nursing.

That sounds like a great plan and something solid to focus upon.

5 hours ago, Lost said:

I guess I have no choice and I need to accept that my doubts are part of my daily living.

Exactly. We all have doubts. You are not alone here. There is nothing wrong with simply not making a decision about what to believe until you have more convincing information. But you may never have the answers you seek. The trick is to be content with that. 

5 hours ago, Lost said:

I am often jealous that other people create relationships so easily and have parents,

Don't be too fooled by what you see. Many (maybe even most) people have all sorts of unhappy issues with their relationships, including (and especially) with parents. Things are not always what they appear to be.

5 hours ago, Lost said:

Hope that in February I will be enough motivated to start my Nursing Career, despite they whole mess in my head.

I hope so too! Perhaps you can learn to peacefully coexist with the mess. (I know thats MY strategy!)

[ConsiderTheSource]

On 12/4/2020 at 3:24 PM, florduh said:

because there's no need to suffer for someone else's delusion.

 

Pure wisdom.  ^^^^

 

Been working on fully executing this over the last several months.  I've got a few bridges that need to be burned.

[ReducedtoAtoms]

On 12/5/2020 at 3:40 PM, Lost said:

Hey ReducedtoAtoms!

 

My last time, when I was sitting in Evangelical Church with my fellows was the 1st July 2018.

 

More than 2 years passed and I still sometimes feel observed by them. 

I decided to let one Christian friend stay in my life, but she says to me from time to time that people from church still ask about me and miss me and all that stuff.

 

Personally I am an introvert and work for most of my life to be less shy and more confident or brave.

If someone believe in zodiac signs I am a Cancer.

So I am emotional and sensitive inside, but when I am with people that I am comfortable with I am much more open and I am able to laugh and even scream and shout or curse sometimes.

 

My personality traits and my quiet way of living among people makes everything much more difficult in life and even FAITH than it is for confident and loud extroverts.

 

I am somewhere in the middle od Richard Dawkins Atheism Scale and I am not fully convinced whether God exists or not.

 

But I know that mostly because of my introvertism and lack of stability in faith I am not able to live in community of Christian people in church, although such community gives lots of security and You make believers feel save.

 

Personally I would prefer to be a person who truly believes in God for 100% and be comfortable with conservative ways of living or being a person who is 100% convinced that God does not exist and is a fairy tale and being liberal activist for human rights.

 

But I am in the MIDDLE, torn between conservatism and liberalism, not really knowing what to do about it.

I just try to work hard everyday and being nice for people as much as I can, although sometimes I should say out loud my opinion in front of a BOSS at work, but my fear and introvertism stops me.

 

I lost a lot in life, my grandparents, my mum, my boyfriend and when I visit their tombstones in cementary I still pray in my own personal way to Jesus and I still FEAR what is really after death and I feel sad about how many people never can find happiness in life and many are even dead alive.

 

I lost my insanity, when I started realizing that there is probably NO God and still my crisis of faith and losing God makes me incredibly unstable. I even developed a shopaholic addiction and I have a HUGE debt.

Lawyers who specialize in debt try to help me with all of that and maybe next year I will be able to file for bankruptcy.

 

My 68 year old dad started drinking 10 beers a day, because of my troubles with debts and I worry everyday will he be still alive, when I come back from work?

 

I'm 27 years old and my 30's are closer than ever before and I feel like my youth disappeared among doubts about right ways of living in this world

 

I wish I would be a good Christian girl who has good morals and never losing faith in GOD, but it just happened and his whole protection over my life in gone.

 

BUT I try my best everyday to stay alive and hope for the better in the future.

 

My next fear is whether COVID- 19 is real or not or maybe there are going to be MICROCHIPS in vaccines and I will go to HELL for that so...yeah LIFE is crazy.

 

Wish You all the best ReducedtoAtoms and I hope that You will learn to live with Your doubts as I did and still DO.

 

Wish there was a real CLARITY in this world, whether GOD exist or not

 

 

That was a doozy, I struggle with being introverted to and a lack of vocabulary therefore all I can say for your situation is I'm sorry that you lost important people in your life, to more than just death. 

 

But I can offer you an ounce of reassurence, you don't need to worry about covid or the vaccine being fake. Christians who predict stuff like the mark of the beast happening usually get it wrong and/or its something that's hardly harmless. And/or they're blowing things way out of proportion. 

 

Of course the vaccine is going to have some terrible side effects but it's way better than loosing your killing people. 

[Lost]

On 12/10/2020 at 3:43 AM, ReducedtoAtoms said:

That was a doozy, I struggle with being introverted to and a lack of vocabulary therefore all I can say for your situation is I'm sorry that you lost important people in your life, to more than just death. 

 

But I can offer you an ounce of reassurence, you don't need to worry about covid or the vaccine being fake. Christians who predict stuff like the mark of the beast happening usually get it wrong and/or its something that's hardly harmless. And/or they're blowing things way out of proportion. 

 

Of course the vaccine is going to have some terrible side effects but it's way better than loosing your killing people. 

 

Hey ReducedToAtoms!

 

Sorry for not replying for a long time, but I have tendencies to throw myself into my duties and forget about other corners of the world.

 

Thank You for Your reply to my worries and the subject of COVID and introvertism.

 

Wish You ALL the best in Your life and in Your journey towards rationalism among spiritual struggles and doubts. 

 

And wish You lots of JOY during Christmas time wherever it means to You. 

 

Greetings from POLAND

[Quark]

I also used to struggle fiercely with the idea of going to Hell. Beyond just... looking into other religions and seeing they also had their own ideas of the afterlife, I felt it also helped to consider the nature of the god I believed in at the time.

For me personally, I believed my god was all-powerful, all-knowing, and the epitome of goodness in the universe. If all of those aspects were true, then he'd have the power--and the desire--to do what's best for everyone. An all-good person would never torment anyone for any length of time, much less for all of eternity. Even if you disagreed and said a good person might have a good reason to torture someone (which I would disagree with), you'd certainly not torment anyone for the mere crime of not believing you existed. Firstly, what an egomaniac you'd have to be to hurt someone for not knowing you existed. Secondly, belief is something we can't even control, so unbelief can't possibly be any sort of sin. If you believe in something, you're convinced it exists. You can't will yourself to believe anything if you're not convinced. At best, you can pretend real nicely, but both you and an all-knowing entity would see right through that. Just try to be a good person the best way you know how and you'll be good.

 

Try to live this life, don't worry about the next. As far as I'm concerned, this is the only life we get. Some people downplay the mundane things in this world, but really... the mundane shit is where it's at. Don't feel bad about finding something dumb to love. Buy yourself an ice cream, if you have to. Anything to make yourself feel good, so long as you're not hurting anyone (especially yourself) to do it.