Growing up scapegoat

[TasiVasQwibQwib]

I'll try to keep to some sort of structure, but my style is as messy as my life and this may not all make sense. I warn any readers ahead of time, mine was a painful journey, mixed with abuse and brainwashing and abusive brainwashing. But I'm here because I dearly need a community and if sharing my story fosters that, then here goes! 

 

I was born to be a scapegoat. In case you are not familiar with the term, there is an old jewish practice of symbolically transferring the sins of a community onto a goat with a red thread/ribbon/string tied to it. The goat would then carry off the sins to be cleansed. I've heard different versions, but some say the thread would turn white as the goat wandered, others say people would push the poor animal off a cliff. Anyway, that is the role I served in my family. It wasn't something said out loud, no one told me that's what I was. Just, as the unwanted second daughter, that's how my dad decided to treat me. Whatever happened that he didn't like or inconvenienced him was blamed on me. If my sister did something, I got the blame. If something went wrong with the house, it was my fault. No evidence needed. It was my fault because someone needed to bear the burden and I got picked. I didn't grow up being taught religion, I grew up living in a religious nightmare as a cursed being. 

 

My family were odd among christians. We believed in christ and the trinity, but we rejected any holidays with pagan roots and would leave churches if they weren't "in the word" enough. My mom came to believe in god through a messianic jewish congregation. To her any church that rejects the jewish roots of christianity is in error. 
My dad really just likes to be right, and the more people he can lord over with his righteousness the better. Imagine someone like Ben Shapiro, but likes to argue with toddlers to make them feel bad and inflate his ego. I've been "debated" into accepting my own utter worthlessness many times. Had my dad been more charismatic, I'm certain he'd have his own cult. 

 

Even through all that oppressive darkness, I had this will in me to be myself no matter what. No matter how much I was beaten, tormented, or told I was worthless and dishonest, I knew if I could just keep that little bit in me alive and safe until I turned 18, I'd be ok. And then the best thing ever happened. My parents divorced, mom got custody, and I didn't have to spend all day being told I cost too much to feed. Even though my mom was definitely the more religious of my parents, she cared about people. To her it wasn't an act. With her, I could just be her daughter instead of a scapegoat. For the first time in my life I was free to just be a kid. I was 11 and I finally got to be a kid. I didn't really know how, but I sure tried! 

 

It still took me years to free myself from my dad's programming. I didn't stop seeing him altogether until I turned 18 and chose to stop visitation. Leaving my beliefs behind took a long time. I didn't want to stop believing in god just because I was so abused. In my mind, my dad was violating scripture. He was a bad steward of his family. The abuse we endured was against god's plan for family. So I clung to a messianic christ. Anytime abuses within the church would come to light I would blame it on the church forgetting their roots and criticize their rejection of a jewish jesus. Over time it was my love of science that led me naturally into the light of reason. It took years of curiosity leading me to evidence based truth, but I made it. I still struggle with some things my dad said, but I know life can only get better. 

 

Ok, so whether you find that inspiring or depressing or morbidly fascinating, thanks for reading it. It feels good to get it out. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

10 minutes ago, TasiVasQwibQwib said:

It feels good to get it out. 

 

Yes, it feels good to get it out,  and it feels good to "get out" from under the superstitions and abuse.  How is your mother taking your change?  And do you have friends or family who support your leaving the "faith"?

[TasiVasQwibQwib]

2 minutes ago, Weezer said:

How is your mother taking your change?  And do you have friends or family who support your leaving the "faith"?

I'm not out to my mother. I'm not sure how. I don't want to terrify her that her baby is going to hell. And I don't want to try arguing her out of something so important to her. She's toned down a lot, but she's still deeply in love with her god and holy spirit. As far as friends, not really. I have one work friend and she's a christian. She's supportive in that I know she's cares about me no matter what god I do or don't worship. She and I sometime talk about how catty the church can be, as her church thinks she's a nonbeliever and are trying to bring her back into the fold. She volunteers there thrice a week for crying out loud! Sorry, rabbit trail there. 

 

I had a boyfriend who is agnostic, but he left me shortly after I came out to him as fully atheist. The friends we had together went with him. He said it wasn't the reason. But... 

 

So, I've kinda felt abandoned since then. 

[TABA]

Tasi, thanks for sharing your story with us.  It’s good to get to know you better and I hope it helped you to tell us about it.  

 

Wow, I hate that your childhood and teen years were so rough!  Glad that you were finally able to get away from your father and that your mom at least is more humane.  Coming out to loved ones depends on the relationship:  a spouse or partner deserves to know where we stand sooner or later.  With a parent on the other hand, it’s not so obvious.  Plenty of Ex-Christians never tell one or both parents that they no longer believe.  If faith is very important to a parent and learning of your deconversion would “break their heart”, a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” might be best.  How feasible that is might depend on how much you see or talk to each other, of course.  A policy of slowly revealing your unbelief might work: saying that you’re questioning aspects of Christianity - even while you’re already past the point of no return - maybe can ease them into coming to terms with your journey.  Ideally it might even allow them to admit to having some doubts of their own . . . maybe.   Since I abandoned the concept of sin and black-and-white morality, I no longer have a problem saying that sometimes it’s necessary to lie about something, as an act of kindness.  

[TheRedneckProfessor]

When I was in my mid-20s, I told a group of friends that I was not built for happiness; I was built for sacrifice.  Between the childhood indoctrination, guilt and manipulation, and various other forms of emotional and psychological abuse I grew up with, it seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to say.  I wasn't necessarily a scapegoat so much as I was, and still (proudly) am, the black sheep of the family. 

 

It's easier, from my vantage point, to say, "Live your truth, and damn the consequences;" but that will take time and, often, careful planning.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, not merely endured; and that should ultimately be the ideal striven for.

[TasiVasQwibQwib]

6 hours ago, TABA said:

If faith is very important to a parent and learning of your deconversion would “break their heart”, a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” might be best. 

Going forward that is my plan. It took some convincing to get her to feel ok about me studying pharmacy tech. "oh honey, you know the root of pharmacy is magic! Be careful not to get entrenched in it!" Please nobody tell her apothecary is pretty much the same thing 

[TABA]

13 minutes ago, TasiVasQwibQwib said:

It took some convincing to get her to feel ok about me studying pharmacy tech. "oh honey, you know the root of pharmacy is magic!

Well we all know that, right?  Serpent right there. 

 

 

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

Glad you're here, @TasiVasQwibQwib. Always remember you are worthy of a happy, healthy life. I see that your description/explanation of a Scapegoat is a biblical one, and I wonder if you've looked into the use of the term in psychology. A parent of a narcissistic nature often choose a designated 'scapegoat' (and if there are multiple kids, there is usually another child designated as the 'perfect child'). It's a well documented behavior and there is a lot of interesting literature on the internet about it. I am a scapegoat in my family too and in my case understanding the abuse in psychological terms really helped me process what I was going through. 

[Myrkhoos]

      I am truly sorry for all the abuse. 

The root of pharmacy is magic...She does know that jewish rituals also included mixture of plants and animals with chemical proceses right - burning sacrifice for example? Also medicine WAS known to ancient jews as well?

      

[Positivist]

I'm late to the party, but when I saw your post I had to comment.

 

I too am a scapegoat. My mother is a narcissist and I was emotionally and psychologically beaten for many years. My father also disapproves deeply of me. Unlike you, I was unable to separate their abuse from my truths, and these things fused in my person. As a result, I've been in and out of therapy, over the years, but I finally have a therapist who does EMDR and somatic processing. It's intense but it finally gets at the root causes of my general forked-upness.

 

Do keep us posted! 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Good to hear from you again, @Positivist!

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

TVQQ,

 

I'm sorry about your volatile and abusive upbringing. You persevered tho and that is a testament to your strength. I'm glad you are finally able to open up and tell your story. As far as telling your mother it may be best not to. I still haven't told my parents at this point. But I might have to soon :-/. Not looking forward to that convo. Keep your head high. You deserve all the happiness the world has to offer. 

 

Best wishes,

DB