Mentally exhausted

[ReducedtoAtoms]

This is gonna sound really dumb but. I'm not in a position where I can move out and my mother recently has been forcing Christianity on me and she's made me stay up watching videos about Christians seeing god, repenting, seeing hell. 

 

And I'm up so late because she's done it again. I cant stress enough how much fear I feel watching and hearing stories about people going to hell. It's hard to feel loved by a God when they describe it. 

 

And I feel like even if I relapse back into Christianity it's all just fear based. Not only that it's robbed me of my happiness, small things make me happy and I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy fanfics or bad gas station food.

 

Just being human is a sin, it's mentally exhausting feeling like a mistake or an abomination. Or feeling forgotten or knowing that even if you are a Christian you might not even make it because you're so disposable.  

 

I'm still so scared of hell, people keep saying it's not real so no need to be scared. How tf does that help? Do people actually see hell? Are they shifting? There's this video 25 year old sees heaven and hell. And honestly by the time my mom finished forcing me to watch it I was shaking with fear.

 

I've gone back into my mindset off I'm not allowed to be happy, I don't deserve anything I have, whats the point of living if I'm not christian. And I feel like praying for God to take my life away because I feel so useless. 

 

And my mom believes I'm being possessed by spirits because I'm "acting out." Were just going to pretend depression, ADHD, and autism don't exist. But I feel like If I were to yell her these thing combined make my life a living hell she'd pray about it. 

 

Lady I don't want your prayer I want motherly love. She claims God told her to get me and my sister back on track but I'm sure if God was actually speaking to her he would've mentioned what's been keeping me down in the dumps.

 

Then she made me watch this video about this guy who saw jesus, claimed hes coming soon again. And despite me seeing videos like this for ever it still scares me. Any scientific reason for this? 

 

But yeah sorry for the scattered rant, my eyes are dry, my head hurts, my heart burns with fear. I'm scared of waking up and being in Satan's armpit. Who isnt? Ive been contemplating suicide because I don't think I can bear this whole christian mentality. It's very weak minded of me, I'm trying my best to think logically and think about how spiritual things aren't always christian things. 

 

 

I would like to talk more about the videos I saw and go in depth about my opinions on them. But I don't wanna make this post an eye sore to read. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

3 hours ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I've gone back into my mindset off I'm not allowed to be happy, I don't deserve anything I have, whats the point of living if I'm not christian. And I feel like praying for God to take my life away because I feel so useless. 

What kind of loving god would expect you to feel like this?  Why would he want you to feel like this if he loved you?  

[alreadyGone]

4 hours ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

... It's very weak minded of me, I'm trying my best to think logically and think about how spiritual things aren't always christian things.

 

Not weak-minded..

You have had an intense deep conflict imposed upon you by others.

 

I hope the distress you're feeling will soon subside.

A hint: human beings will impose their own conflicts and paradoxes upon you if you allow them to do so. In matters of religion and many other things as well.

No one owns you but you yourself.

 

The truth doesn't care what you or I think of it.

Truth > faith.

 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Go to QT this morning and buy yourself a snackle.  Or a breakfast burrito.  Just don't trust sushi from a gas station.  Because you know who ultimately has control over your life and decisions?  YOU!

[◊ Krowb ◊]

I can empathize with you, but I cannot understand your situation. It sounds like an awful nightmare.  You are a worthwhile individual and one who should be cherished as a fellow traveler in this world we call home.  Today I finished a youtube video on the Enchiridion and one lesson stood out while reading of your struggles:

 

Quote

42. When any person harms you, or speaks badly of you, remember that he acts or speaks from a supposition of its being his duty. Now, it is not possible that he should follow what appears right to you, but what appears so to himself. Therefore, if he judges from a wrong appearance, he is the person hurt, since he too is the person deceived. For if anyone should suppose a true proposition to be false, the proposition is not hurt, but he who is deceived about it. Setting out, then, from these principles, you will meekly bear a person who reviles you, for you will say upon every occasion, "It seemed so to him."

http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html (para. 42)

 

Your mother is clearly harming you, and I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and say it is from misplaced love.  Your mother is deceived and I hope you take some measure of comfort to look after your internal world.  Strive to be serene within and remind yourself, "it seems so to her" but not to you.

 

Bear yourself proudly; all of us deserve to strive for the best life in harmony with ourselves and others. 

[TABA]

5 minutes ago, Krowb said:

Today I finished a youtube video on the Enchiridion and one lesson stood out while reading of your struggles...

Epictetus: better than Jesus, and he wrote his own stuff. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

RTA, I'm going to give it to you straight on.  Your mother, in her own demented way, is doing what she believes is in your best interest.  The best thing you can do is to draw a line in the sand, and stand your ground.  Tell her you appreciate her concern, BUT, you WILL NOT watch any more videos, and then go to bed, or what ever else you are doing.  If she is like my mother, she may cry, or maybe even throw a fit, and lay guilt trips on you.   She may ask how she has failed you, and blame you for her sad emotions.  But like all authoritarian minded people she will eventually respect your strong stance, and confidence, and eventually back off.

 

Every time you give in to her demands, she is encouraged to double down on you.  You have got to draw a line and stick to it!   If you don't, it will eventually take it's toll.  HANG IN THERE!

[webmdave]

4 hours ago, TABA said:

Epictetus: better than Jesus, and he wrote his own stuff

 

Technically, his pupil Arrian wrote down what we have from Epictetus. Like Socrates, Epictetus gave spoken discourses and never wrote anything down.

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discourses_of_Epictetus

 

However, his discourses are better than Jesus' parables and unlike the gospels, were written down  while Epictetus was still alive. 

[ReducedtoAtoms]

16 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

What kind of loving god would expect you to feel like this?  Why would he want you to feel like this if he loved you?  

I'm starting to think it's less about love me because I care and more about love and worship me because I could've made your life worse.

[ReducedtoAtoms]

2 hours ago, Weezer said:

RTA, I'm going to give it to you straight on.  Your mother, in her own demented way, is doing what she believes is in your best interest.  The best thing you can do is to draw a line in the sand, and stand your ground.  Tell her you appreciate her concern, BUT, you WILL NOT watch any more videos, and then go to bed, or what ever else you are doing.  If she is like my mother, she may cry, or maybe even throw a fit, and lay guilt trips on you.   She may ask how she has failed you, and blame you for her sad emotions.  But like all authoritarian minded people she will eventually respect your strong stance, and confidence, and eventually back off.

 

Every time you give in to her demands, she is encouraged to double down on you.  You have got to draw a line and stick to it!   If you don't, it will eventually take it's toll.  HANG IN THERE!

Do we have the same mothers? I'm currently trying though to find my own voice. I think she fears me going to hell more than my fear of God himself. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

14 minutes ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I'm starting to think it's less about love me because I care and more about love and worship me because I could've made your life worse.

That's not love; it's abuse.  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

46 minutes ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

Do we have the same mothers? I'm currently trying though to find my own voice. 

 

Tell me again how old you are.  Would she kick you out of the house if you carefully, but firmly said, "I'm not going to watch any more videos"?

[ReducedtoAtoms]

On 1/28/2021 at 10:58 PM, Weezer said:

 

Tell me again how old you are.  Would she kick you out of the house if you carefully, but firmly said, "I'm not going to watch any more videos"?

I'm only 16, she's not willing to kick me out because of that but she is willing to threaten and yell at me for hours on end. And then call me and demon by the end of it. 

[ToHellWithMe]

Children are basically property, so you'll have to be careful and calculating while you bide your time until 18. Do whatever you must to survive and avoid pitfalls.

 

When I was around 26 I noticed my bank account I'd been using since childhood listed my parents as having full access to it. In theory, if they wanted to control me, they could have driven me into quite some trouble by taking away my money at any time. Thankfully, their manipulation has always been softer than that. Perhaps they also forgot about the whole fact.

 

I've also read about a girl who dated a man her parents didn't like. She listened to his fairly far-right political podcasts and drove across half the country to meet him and they planned to marry. Then her parents got her a psychiatrist to determine that she's incapable of fully taking care of herself. The girl proved them right by failing to protest it in an officially valid fashion, and a judge assigned her parents as her guardians even though she was 19. So, she's perhaps gonna be basically property until the rest of her days.

 

Dunno what the pitfalls are in your culture and jurisdiction, but you gotta keep your wits about yourself. Keep your relations with your guardians civil.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

9 hours ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I'm only 16, she's not willing to kick me out because of that but she is willing to threaten and yell at me for hours on end. And then call me and demon by the end of it. 

 

Is there a teacher, relative, friend that could help you out?  

[ReducedtoAtoms]

50 minutes ago, Weezer said:

 

Is there a teacher, relative, friend that could help you out?  

Live in the middle of nowhere, I basically just use this website to help me out. And as for my friends and family not only do they live in different states, countries, or just far away they're also (hardcore) Christians.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

2 hours ago, ReducedtoAtoms said:

Live in the middle of nowhere, I basically just use this website to help me out. And as for my friends and family not only do they live in different states, countries, or just far away they're also (hardcore) Christians.

Do you go to school?  Or are you on remote learning due to the virus?  

 

Also, you say she is keeping you up late.  What would happen if you closed your eyes and tried to rest during the videos?  just kind of "space out."  I used to do that with my eyes open at church.  

 

[alreadyGone]

RTA,

 

This may be worth little to you, but bear in mind that in some Muslim cultures, it isn't unusual for parents to murder their own children if they believe the child is behaving in a manner to bring dishonor to the family, dishonor in the context of their Muslim belief.

 

All for appearances and pride over devotion to some idiot moon-god.

It has happened among Muslims here in the U.S.

 

Try to keep in the forefront of your thinking that you are not yet the human being you will be in 15 years (at around age 30 that is), and you are far from being or knowing the person you will be in 25 years.

And realize, though every day is precious, those years will be your best years. At no other time in life will you have the advantages of self that you will then.

 

Or so they should be your best years, in the natural course of life. It doesn't always work that way though.

 

That no human can expect to have the same quality of life through their entire life on Earth, means that the span of your years between about 30 - 55 is a precious jewel, always to be carefully guarded. Guarded from damage by your own mistakes or by the evil selfish intent of others.

 

Realize please that those prime years are not interchangeable with years from any other span of your life. Meaning that even if you live to be hale and hearty to age 101, those years from 30 - 55 will still have value beyond any other span of time in your life.

 

Age 16 - 24 can be incredibly difficult here in the culture of the U.S. for some.  Damned difficult even absent any of what you are going through now regarding religious belief.

 

I hate to say so, and I hope I'm wrong, but given all the complications of later-stage puberty, hormones, sex, etc and how that alone can complicate relations with family in conjunction with their religious belief, it could be that the worst for you is yet to come.

 

As a human being, god or no god, you bear the responsibility for developing your own mental landscape, your own emotional strength and resilience, your own standards and expectations for your behavior as you experience and navigate life. As we all do.

 

I suggest you try to learn enough about yourself, separate and apart from your family or friends, in a focused effort to move the point in life where you truly become self-sufficient in all ways (not only materially/financially) to as early in your development, at as young an age as possible.

 

The world you've inherited is damn complex, and in the end all responsibility for learning to make a good life for yourself falls on your own shoulders. The earlier you can get to the point of being mentally and emotionally self-sufficient, the better prepared you will be to live it fully.

 

And that, gaining resiliency and strength through self-reliance along with self-care and taking responsibility for your own health and physical well-being, is an investment that can make every positive difference through every day until your final one. It can then enable you and give you freedom and choices to be where you want, live where you choose, do what you want, better than most humans ever manage to accomplish for themselves.

 

In that process you may or may not find friends and/or lovers able to help you live through it successfully, in a healthy and happy life.

 

But always, always strive to be capable to do so with reliance on no one but you. People move on for their own reasons, they drift away through circumstances neither of you can control, or they die, and sometimes they betray you.

 

Don't imagine for a second that, if you should live to be 75 or 80, life will be any less precious day to day than it all seems at age 24.

 

(paraphrasing Ben Franklin)

"In the end, time is all any of us have. It's the stuff life is made of."

 

Take care of yourself.

 

 

[alreadyGone]

On 1/30/2021 at 1:17 PM, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I'm only 16, she's not willing to kick me out because of that but she is willing to threaten and yell at me for hours on end. And then call me and demon by the end of it. 

 

When I was very young my parents threatened to send me off to a "military school".

 

I laughed at that (in my own head), as we were so poor they couldn't easily afford to send me to the public schools with shoes on my feet and pay for my school textbooks.

 

[pantheory]

On 1/30/2021 at 10:17 AM, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I'm only 16, she's not willing to kick me out because of that but she is willing to threaten and yell at me for hours on end. And then call me and demon by the end of it. 

 

Although I think your mother's behavior seems like abuse, I agree with those saying your mother probably has your best interest at heart. Members above have given you great advice IMO so feel loved as much as possible , but especially love yourself. Be more light-hearted about life in general and you will feel better also. Remember your mother's beliefs are hers, and you should believe whatever seems right and logical to you.

[sdelsolray]

On 1/30/2021 at 10:17 AM, ReducedtoAtoms said:

I'm only 16, she's not willing to kick me out because of that but she is willing to threaten and yell at me for hours on end. And then call me and demon by the end of it. 

 

As previously suggested, learn to draw reasonable boundaries, explain those boundaries and enforce those boundaries with care.