I have decided to be (bio)childfree...

[ZenPaladin]

Hey fellow heathens! So like many of you, both the church and society in general sees it as imperative to have children. I wasn't raised a fundie but my mom had remarked to me before to ''be fruitful and multiply'' and wants me and my sister to give her 4 grandkids each. Currently I'm 20 years old, going to take my EMT exam soon and preparing to move out and finally start taking my life in a better direction. Growing up, I had to deal with both having Asperger's Syndrome and a plethora of dysfunction with my parents' relationship, my sister's mental health crisis' and a manipulative bastard of an ex-friend. So suffice to say, my years of age 11-18(before that things weren't perfect, but not too bad) were marred by my social awkwardness and loneliness, being spectator to constant arguments, altercations and profanity from my parents(my old man was really a piece of work) and several trips to a hospital/mental care facility during my sister's outbursts. I was also cringily religious(not raised fundie, but Christianity became an autistic fixation) I'm someone who likes kids, and has been known by others to like to hold and play with babies at family gatherings. That being said...

-The world is getting overpopulated if it's not already. Our resources get more and more strained as it is without adding another mouth to feed which apparently adds ALOT of impact

-There are already so many children in the world. I know I don't want bio kids, but am open to the idea of fostering a tween/teenager(no younger than 10-13) later in life possibly, but this is by no means a gurantee since there's also things like mentoring and community outreach programs through which I can positively impact a youth.

-The ''life script'' seems to dictate that people have kids no matter what. Aside from many of the conventional reasons being rather selfish(pass on genes, repository for unfulfilled dreams, etc), many people, maybe even the average person should not have kids. Too many people don't seek therapy/help for their issues and/or don't critically question their beliefs/worldview/biases and therefore continue a cycle of bigotry and dysfunction. 

-If I get with a chick and things don't work out between us or even get bad, that sucks but I can still break it off and not see/hear from her again. However with kids the parents will often stay together(or at least stay in touch) for the sake of coparenting even when they clearly can't stand one another(my parents rarely talk on the phone without a blame game or cursing each other). Plus it also means the kids bear witness to/are caught in the middle of all the BS through no choice of their own.

 

-It's seems that along with parenting comes things like letting yourself go(effects of pregnancy, weight gain, etc) and just not taking care of yourself as much. Obviously having kids is very time consuming and such but even still so many parents don't take care of themselves and pass on bad habits to their kids. I'm vegetarian and plan on restarting a solid fitness routine for my own personal health and desired career. Even within my family, my mom and aunts held their guts and said ''this is your future'' as if something was so certain. This also may lead to dead bedroom marriages as well along with arguments and such.

-There are so many things one can do and invest in when not having kids. Especially for those of us with a troubled/disadvantaged upbringing there are things we missed out on. But as adults, we now have the freedom and resources to live our lives as we see fit. For me, I know I'd love to find that special someone, have a house and live that good ol' DINK life! Plus explore hobbies like martial arts(may build a home dojo one day), Legos, video games, outdoors stuff, DIY projects, vacations, the possibilities are endless!

-Not having kids ironically means that I have more time to actually be helpful to others. I plan on finally sticking with martial arts once I move and settle down. If I stick with it long enough, I might consider being an instructor. Aside from that, becoming an EMT is one more step closer to my desired career of being a [fish and game warden.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBll1YnQCvA) Such a job entails protecting wildlife and natural resources from poaching and pollution, plus search and rescue and natural disaster response. It's one of the more competitive first responder fields to get into, and I'll be a better candidate for being childfree(more willing to relocate, no concern about childcare arrangements,etc).

-Kids are expensive. I'm in California, and honestly given how my career choice has a decent prescence here(the size and amount of forests lands means there is a larger percentage of parks/wildlife people) I may very well stay here. Hopefully I can get to one of the cheaper areas one day, but even then not having kids makes things much easier.

I know these are kinda common reasons to be childfree but these are how they fit into my life. I will say I didn't come to this conclusion all at once. It went from the initial state of ''I'm gonna have kids'' to ''I want to have at least one adopted'' to ''I want that DINK life bad.'' Helping a kid have a decent headstart is on the table, but I so don't want to do diapers, soccer games or stress about babysitters. And frankly, since graduating high school(I finally deconverted at age 17) in 2018 I felt lost and empty for a long time. I was still holding myself to the standards of societal expectations and being bummed about spending middle/high school as the weird loner kid. But now, not holding myself to said standards has allowed me to truly work out the direction I want to go in life, and thus I feel more optimistic about my future!

[freshstart]

3 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

I know these are kinda common reasons to be childfree but these are how they fit into my life. I will say I didn't come to this conclusion all at once. It went from the initial state of ''I'm gonna have kids'' to ''I want to have at least one adopted'' to ''I want that DINK life bad.''

There is no need at 20 years old to stick to a firm decision about this now. At this point in your life you have a lot of rational reasons for remaining childless. Just don't make promises to yourself. Ten years from now you will be a different person and you may change your mind - or you may not. Be open to change and to possibilities.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

The genetics thing is real. My sister in law has brilliant kids, but with a lot of emotional issues that take medication to control. All great people, but they have each dealt with some big emotional difficulties and feeling like they don't fit in with others. So for them to deal with kids that are similarly affected may be really difficult. And honestly, I don't envy parents in this current world. Damn. But I suppose every generation has had to face a variety of issues, wars, politics, cultural shifts, and so on. 

[TABA]

Hey ZenPaladin, I’m always impressed by how smart and articulate you are and how you’ve got a “good head on your shoulders” as they say.  
 

You’ve given a lot of good reasons to not have kids.  But as mature and self-aware as you are, you are still very young at 20.  The human brain is still developing until around the mid-20s.  That doesn’t mean that you’ll feel differently about kids in a handful of years, probably not, but that - plus circumstances - might make you feel differently when you’re in your 30s or 40s.  I know 40 sounds OLD to you now, but plenty of men have their first kids when they’re over 40.  

 

So I’m seconding @freshstart’s advice above, and I would add this:  

 

DO always use birth-control, whether it’s a hookup or a committed relationship, unless you’ve both decided to become parents.  Don’t assume or even believe that the woman is taking care of it.  

 

DON’T get a vasectomy until you’re at least in your mid-30s.  This surgery can sometimes be reversed, but often not. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I have found that it's a good idea to wait until you've had a kid or two before deciding you don't want them.

[sdelsolray]

Kids are the ultimate pets.

[ZenPaladin]

5 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

I have found that it's a good idea to wait until you've had a kid or two before deciding you don't want them.

Won't it be too late by then?

[ZenPaladin]

6 hours ago, TABA said:

Hey ZenPaladin, I’m always impressed by how smart and articulate you are and how you’ve got a “good head on your shoulders” as they say.  
 

You’ve given a lot of good reasons to not have kids.  But as mature and self-aware as you are, you are still very young at 20.  The human brain is still developing until around the mid-20s.  That doesn’t mean that you’ll feel differently about kids in a handful of years, probably not, but that - plus circumstances - might make you feel differently when you’re in your 30s or 40s.  I know 40 sounds OLD to you now, but plenty of men have their first kids when they’re over 40.  

 

So I’m seconding @freshstart’s advice above, and I would add this:  

 

DO always use birth-control, whether it’s a hookup or a committed relationship, unless you’ve both decided to become parents.  Don’t assume or even believe that the woman is taking care of it.  

 

DON’T get a vasectomy until you’re at least in your mid-30s.  This surgery can sometimes be reversed, but often not. 

Fair points, but that's why I pointed out possibly adopting or fostering. I mean, thinking about it critically I'm not attached really at all to the idea of biological kids. Esepcially given my ASD and the history of mental issues on my dad's side.

[TABA]

5 minutes ago, ZenPaladin said:

Fair points, but that's why I pointed out possibly adopting or fostering. I mean, thinking about it critically I'm not attached really at all to the idea of biological kids. Esepcially given my ASD and the history of mental issues on my dad's side.

I understand.  I’m just saying that your views on this may change.  That’s why you shouldn’t do anything to close off your options for the long term. 

[TABA]

6 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

 

I have found that it's a good idea to wait until you've had a kid or two before deciding you don't want them

 

 

 

17 minutes ago, ZenPaladin said:

Won't it be too late by then?

We’re trying to persuade the Prof to quit his day-job to become a standup comic. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I'm just saying you'd be in possession of all of the facts that way.

[florduh]

I always knew I didn't want kids. Luckily I hooked up with a woman who never wanted kids. Married 50 years and we didn't have lots of kids together! I don't think it's a matter of finding logical reasons to have or not have kids. You're either cut out to be a parent or you aren't, and you already know that answer.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

8 hours ago, florduh said:

 

 You're either cut out to be a parent or you aren't, and you already know that answer.

 

Iv'e seen couples change their minds about that.