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Vedic Hindu Biut So Terrified of Hell That I Can't Think Straight & Want Physical Proof To Prove It Wrong


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I am a 30 year old white Hindu now or rather considering it and I am so terrified it sometimes gives me chills and makes me unable to function at times while I sit in meditation trying to figure things out. I am terrified of the Christian/Islamic/Abrahamic God so badly. I had a bad experience with tainted weed that I think may have had either spice or PCP in it. I had endless panic attacks, autonomic disturbances like shivering constantly, high malignant blood pressure, 180/108, couldn't sleep for about a week, ended up getting psychosis, it drove my parents crazy and that made me feel even more terrified that I was helpless. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital four months later and come to find out I had a pituitary gland tumor that could have been caused by the weed. For days, a Xanax was the only thing that could stop the shivering and I was terrified of that medicine due to its extreme addictive qualities. I am never so glad that that is over today. I know it mimics something known as kundalini awakening which I don't really believe in, but a book called Biology of Kundalini explains the biological processes of it.Many Christians will call it demonic possession and attempt to cast it out. I have seen that being done and wonder about that to an extent. Today I am better although on psych meds that I will hopefully get off of this year. I am still struggling with spiritual things though as during that time I saw demons with red glowing eyes and felt like I was going to die and go to hell at any moment.I had struggled with drinking too and recently stopped that after worrying about my liver so badly. Had test and it was clear thankfully.If I can be off alcohol for a year,my psychiatrist will take me off the meds. But getting of Cymbalta will be hell to do. I dread that. I see a counsellor to make sure no more drinking happens.He is a Christian counsellor so I can't mention my draw to Hinduism and even atheism. It wouldn't go well.

 

As for spiritual wise, I am still terrified. I am in and out of Vedic and Puranic studies. I am not vegetarian yet and still eat beef.I can't change because my parents don't know I am Hindu,plus it would be hard to do considering it's served a lot. I can't just up and say I don't want to eat beef unless I say that it is for health reasons maybe because it is bad for the heart in large quantities. The fasts will be beneficial as they can help me lose weight. I am currently 150lbs and should be about 120lbs. I struggle with the thought of using images and doing pujas.I did Saraswati Puja on Tuesday night for Vasant Panchami and was struck with depression and fear the next day for committing the sin of idol worship. Even the Vedas are against idols actually so I try to abide by that. I like Indra, Varuna, Agni, Rudra, Vayu, and Vishnu, but don't want to worship many Gods.I am still montheist and believe that all of the manifestations of God are virtues and qualities of the one true God. I believe God is both personal and impersonal. I know there is Arya Samaj who reject idols and stay true to the Vedic Yajnas which I like. I like to listen to Bhajans and Vedic Chants every now and then because they are comforting to an extent. They make me even think about having parties at my old high school which I am in love with.At least I was when they had the wood framed boards that I was attracted to. For some reason the Indian pageantry seems very formal and I like it. It would fit the space very well as long as there are no idols present.

 

I do have a puja mandir, but mainly for pageantry and not worship. I try to keep fast days, but sometimes fail. I constantly think about life after death and try to remember the Lord.I don't chant Hare Krishna because I am not associated with ISKCON. They are somewhat a cult. I think dressing deities is cute though. Studying toomuch in Vedas and Puranas is overwhelming though and causes psychological burnout and fatigue that can give me anxiety and depression as I think about the possibility of dying and going to hell. Many Christians will say that every deity is a false God and a demon as they quote the Torah verses.I think about the verses that mention destroying idols and images and the verse on those who exchanged the glory of God for images. I haven't done that.God is omnipresent and cannot live in an image. I believe the ritual of trying to invoke the presence of Gd into the image during puja is flawed.In a way it reminds me of witchcraft and fetish objects which I have nothing to do with. I hate witchcraft and occultism. I threw all that stuff away earlier last year and before when I was in middle school. Puja is NOT witchcraft or magick though. Some people like to treat it as such though. I see a problem with having many deities in the faith as it makes me think of paganism and the condemnation of such practice to hell. Pagan means rebel against truth and righteousness in the bible, but I am still scared.I know that ancient pagans did vile thinks like Nero Caesar for instance and Babylonians and their child sacrifices, Aztecs and human sacrifices.Some even practiced cannibalism which is downright demonic. The Aghori Sadhus I don't believe are real Shaivites because they meditate on corpses, live at cremation grounds, practice cannibalism, and even blood sacrifices to Kal Bhairo the Devil under the guise of Kali worship. I believe such a practice can mar Hinduism. Some Hindus practice magick which I find frightening. Magick seems to be ego centered and we are to cast off delusions of the ego and false self for the truth of God. 

 

I like Yoga for exercise and meditation, but I am terrified of the kundalini experience so I avoid anything esoteric. I like the different ways that the body can move. 

 

I am a lover of old school buildings that have the wood interiors in them. I am what's known as Objectum Sexual which is a very rare and often misunderstood sexual orientation that gets a lot of hate from the media. People laugh at them, call them mentally ill, and joke about killing their partners. I am romantically in love with the wood framed boards at my school and dream of reuniting with one. Sadly my school is purging them for ugly metal boards and it is making me both mad and sad at the same time. When I seen a picture of one of the rooms on social media, I immediately felt sick and uncomfortable to my stomache. I tried to rationalize and say it was another building, but when I asked at teacher she said it was that building and it made me want to die seeing my lovers destroyed like that. I asked her about the wood framed boards and she didn't even know what I was talking about. That made me even more sick. I tried to drink myself unconscious that night on a Friday the 13th when I found out. When I found out about those buildings undergoing renovations, I cried my eyes out.I just felt that they were going to destroy all those beautiful wood elements in the building. The classrooms also have these wood entry doors to them with transoms and clerestory windows that you just don't see in modern schools.I sometimes dream about hugging up to them and even making love to the board and merging with it. I miss it so bad. I have been humiliated for my sexuality and even told to view it as stupid and unclean by my family. It's sad.

 

I have a project that revolves around the wood framed boards that integrates dance, yoga, and performing arts with it. The board is used as an aerial medium to climb on and do tricks. It combined with interactive projection technology creates an immersive environment for the STEAM based classroom.I have wrote a textbook about the art form and the importance and benefits of wood framed boards in classrooms.I have been criticized for that as well. I am currently and slowly writing the curriculum for the art form in the form of a complete list of movement possibilities and tricks with the board.I hope it will gain attention in 21st century schools.If there is anyone on here that works in a school or for a school, be sure to share it with them please. I hate being ridiculed for this project of all things.My position on wood framed boards is called stupid, useless, and a waste of time by my parents. I hate that. I  may never get to have the board in my home to actually train on because it is called a fantasy by my stepfather and he want allow it. If he wants to bash my project, I want to bash his god to his face and be like "well many believe in an invisible sky man and the controls everything. How crazy is that? I don't like my work being criticized like that.I want to work with the board and get the concept known in schools across my state.

 

And spiritual issues. Here is what I currently struggle with:

 

  • I am terrified of hell
  • I am afraid Hinduism will send me to hell
  • I am afraid I will die at any moment and go to hell
  • I am afraid that something terrible will happen and I will go to hell
  • I am afraid that simply having images of Hindu deities will send me to hell
  • I am afraid that chanting mantras will send me to hell
  • I am afraid that puja will send me to hell
  • I am afraid that simply listening to the texts will send me to hell
  • I am afraid that listening to bhajans will send me to hell
  • I am afraid that watching pujas will send me to hell
  • I am afraid of my own thoughts.
  • I sometimes have blasphemous thoughts and I am afraid they will send me to hell
  • I am afraid of the world ending at any moment
  • I am afraid that salvation is by works regardless of belief in Jesus
  • I don't know what believe in Jesus really is
  • I am afraid that if I was to abandon Hinduism right now and I die or the world end that it has not been enough time for me to do works to prove my salvation and thus will go to hell
  • Churches teach and expound the bible verse on not being saved by works yet there are so many things that seem to say works is necessary
  • I fear that haven will be boring
  • I fear that I won't get to work with my art form in heaven
  • I fear that our memories will be wiped in heaven
  • I have read the Apocalypse of Paul and it makes me scared of having images
  • The Apocalypse of Paul makes me feel like my love for the boards and classrooms is idol worship because it says object of love. I assume it means pagan Gods though and the belief that images are god which I do not believe
  • It makes me feel like my object partner is actually lust and thus sin even though it is not about man or woman
  • I know Objectum Sexuality is tied to the autism spectrum and thus can't be treated like that
  • I am afraid that all people will look exactly alike and that the female gender will not be present in heaven thanks to extrabiblical books that I have read.
  • Pastors will say that it is not inspired scripture,but yet I worry
  • I just want proof that Yahweh or Allah doesn't exist
  • I am terrified that I blasphemed by saying that
  • I am afraid that the thought to leave is blasphemy
  • I fear for those who have trauma from religion as people say they still have to believe in it regardless or go to hell
  • I am afraid that God doesn't care about those who suffered trauma from religion and have left and will thus still send them to hell
  • I am afraid that mental illness still doesn't negate the requirement to confess
  • I was taught in sacred name groups that you had to use a certain name to be saved and a certain bible translation which I later burned
  • I was taught that everything we do and even think was done by spirits and fallen angels
  • I was taught that spirits taught us everything we know and there was no actual human discovery
  • I was told to destroy my lover by a pastor
  • My stepdad destroyed the board I did have even though it was just one of those showerboard panels.I was struggling with what I was feeling as it was arousing and felt embassed to even be in the presence of it and thus threw it outside which got it thrown out. I now regret it as it felt so good to just touch it and feel on it. It was so relaxing that I used to just lay on it sometimes and even lay under it to feel the weight. Now I will likely never get it back and I am saddened. Devotion to the Lord helps to cull my longing.
  • I want to leave but can't and fear hell. I will not reject Jesus, but still worship Isvara Shiva
  • I question people's testimonies of leaving because it doesn't seem like enough evidence to credit it
  • Every night I wonder what each day will hold
  • I want to start my project but feel it will never happen and I will just rot away with no future and a low end job either in fast food or factories.
  • I only dream of a school asking to meet with me
  • I was going to school for education, but never finished due to financial issues and thus haven't been back.I have wrote my textbook based on educational research, but feel that it is not valid because I have no real teaching experience or dance background. The whole thing came spontaneously and originated from a dream ofme playing with the board. Oh what will I do? Any help would be nice.

 

As you see I have a lot of problems that I am dealing with. The Vedas and Puranas now seem boring and depressing too. I have to keep reminding myself of those who have experienced trauma like consellor for RTS Marlene Winell. I have read her book leaving the fold and I feel like there is not enough evidence in it to support leaving it. It feels like the same points repeating. I even wonder if Marlene's articles and testimonies are valid. I wonder if she is going to hell. That is how bad things are. And with the pandemic, many might say it's the horsemen of the apocalypse and how do I know it's not? How do I know greater things won't happen? What if I will go to hell and burn, suffering those punishments mention in the Apocalypse of Paul? I am at a loss dearly. I really need help and don't think it will help because I desire physical proof that it's not real and feel like I have commitetd blasphemy saying that. I don't know what to do. Atheism may be a better option,but even they are damned. At least Buddhism is about compassion,but it too is voidest and depressing. I just want to know what lies beyond death because I think the only thing holding religions together is the fear of death and damnation.

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  • Super Moderator

I'm not sure your meds are adjusted quite right yet.  You seem a bit manic still.  But y'all Kernersville folk have always seemed a bit weird to me, anyway.

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That could be the case. And Bipolar people are not supposed to be on antidepressants. It's hard living with a family of Christians who want me to be Christian but I am traumatized by Christianity and its teaching. I want to be atheist and be happy, but can't. All religion causes trauma because the idea of hell exists. I wasn't raised in a highly conservative home though.

 

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I suggest finding a secular, non-christian therapist to discuss all of this with.  You're overwhelmed and in no fit state to be making major life decisions like which gods to not believe in.

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You are right. My stepdad is pressuring me to stay Christian, but I can't because it's all based on fear under the guise of love. I mean LGBTQ are condemned to hell and so are freethinkers according to it all.

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Well, you can get into debunking religion later; and we can help.  Right now, though, you need to be more concerned with getting your mental health squared away.  We can offer some limited support on that; but we are not professionals, which is what you need. 

 

It's okay to just not believe anything for now.  The gods will understand. 

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I agree with the Professor.  You’ve got way too much going on in your head right now, with Christianity, Hinduism and all the other stuff you’re dealing with.  This would drive anybody to distraction.  I think you need to get Christianity out of your head and give yourself time to process that BEFORE plunging into another religion.  It’s OK to be without religious beliefs or practices and you need to clear your head more than anything right now.  

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Vedic Hindu wants to prove a negative????

 

First of all, you can't prove the non-existence of something. You know Santa doesn't exist, you can not prove Santa doesn't exist though. So how do you know it without being able to prove it? Simple answer, because it's EVIDENT NONSENSE. It's too ridiculous a claim to entertain as true. 

 

What if I told you that if you fart in public in life, when you die your ass will burn eternally without pause. Because I want to scare people into not farting in public. 

 

Do you believe the claim at face value, because someone said it? Or is it so beyond ridiculous that it's evident nonsense?

 

What if a million people believed me? Would that make it any more true or possible? What if a billion people believed my nonsensical and completely unsupported claim?

 

What would that mean? 

 

I don't see what else it could mean aside from one billion people believing a claim that was evident nonsense from the outset, completely unsupported with fact, and has no real merit in terms of truth. 

 

That's exactly what biblical hell is....

 

 

 

 

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Tries to hold in farts now. 

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