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Goodbye Jesus

30 year journey to unbelief


Seekingwhatisnext

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Yesterday I made an introduction, so I guess today I’ll share my long walk away from Christianity. I grew up going to a Bible Church, it was all I had ever known.  When I was about 5/6 I got “saved” by this I mean it was explained to our children’s church class that those who believe in Jesus will go to a wonderful place with streets of gold and mansions when we die and those who don’t believe will go to a place of eternal fire and pain and suffering. There wasn’t much of a choice involved, what young child would choose the place of pain over being rich?  The entire “decision” was based on appealing to our greed I realize now looking back. As a small child I just naturally believed whatever trusted adults told me. I grew up in a safe environment and it was easy to trust and believe the adults in my life, I had no bad experiences to cause me to do anything but trust. I really couldn’t even understand why “believing” in god was even a question. That seemed like a very easy way to go to heaven. Of course I believed in him, the adults in my life told me he was real!  Life was good until one day when I was about 8 and I simply realized, while I was coloring in my coloring book and contemplating life, that Santa wasn’t real. I was thinking of how he traveled the entire world in one night and visited every house and I just suddenly knew it was impossible. I asked my dad about this. He denied it and said that of course Santa was real and he was magic and that’s how he could do things that weren’t actually possible. I wanted to believe it so badly because I loved Santa but I just COULDN’T. I KNEW Santa couldn’t possibly exist. I thought my dad was pretty stupid to be an adult and not be able to figure this out when I was a kid and I put it together. A few days later my mom had a talk with me and explained that Santa wasn’t real. She told me that my dad knew this too, which made me feel much better about my dad’s intelligence ;) I said to her “the Easter bunny and tooth fairy aren’t real either are they?”  She said no. The question in my mind was gods not real either is he? But I somehow KNEW not to ask this, I knew it would upset her. Now I was terrified. I doubted gods existence, I didn’t fully believe in him, now I was going to hell. I stayed in this place of horror for 30 years. You may wonder why I feared hell if I didn’t believe god existed. The thing is I thought that god and the Bible were probably true, like 99% sure, but I wasn't totally and completely convinced of his existence and so I was sure I was going to burn in hell. I was terrified and I told no one. I was so afraid that anyone would find out. I threw myself into being the perfect Christian. I was always the number one verse memorizer in our Awana program. I stayed out of trouble and always did the right thing as I grew up. I never drank or partied or did anything bad. I thought if god was pleased with me maybe he’d take away my doubt. I begged god to take away my doubt. Nothing ever happened. I was terrified that the rapture would come. I remember watching the thief in the night movies in utter fear that this WAS my future. I always thought the rapture would happen on a Sunday morning at church and I’d suddenly be the only person in the building. I thought through the route I’d take to walk home on side streets since I couldn’t walk on the highway. I made a  mental note to get my moms keys out of her purse before I left so I could get in the house. 
 

When I was a teen we got a new pastor and his son was about my age. We started dating. I never told him. We married and he went to Bible college to become a pastor too. I still never told him. I kept waiting for that moment when I would finally hear something that would take away all my doubt and I would fully believe. I never planned on ever having anyone know about this period of doubting. I was going to get past it and I would be the only one who ever knew I went through it. We had a couple of kids, my husband ended up being the assistant pastor at the church we grew up in. It was wonderful. We had both sides of our family there and all our friends who had been family all our lives. I loved it there and I was so glad to raise my kids in the big family atmosphere. It was my entire social structure. 
 

About 7 years ago (2013) I came to really understand the doctrine of predestination (think along the lines of MacArthur & Piper). I suddenly realized why I had always been plagued with doubts and never been “allowed” to believe. I wasn’t chosen!  I would never hear anything that would suddenly take my doubt away because god had purposefully put that doubt there because he hadn’t chosen me. I can’t even explain how dark this was and how hard it hit. For a full month I lived believing that this was the absolute truth. Somehow I managed to be ok. I still lived my life, went to church.  If you would have seen me during that month I appeared totally fine, but inside I was screaming. I didn’t know what to do, there was NOTHING I could do, absolutely nothing. This was my fate. I kind of came to terms with it. I decided to enjoy my life as much as possible since I knew my eternity was going to suck. After about a month I think my mind just had to find an escape. A thought started to form.  The thought terrified me. It took me several more weeks to even allow myself to think it through fully. The thought was this...what if god really isn’t real?  The thought that had terrified me for 30 years was now comforting me. If god wasn’t real then hell wasn’t real and I didn’t have to go there!  I felt real comfort and peace for the first time!  This was wonderful!  God isn’t real, there is no eternal punishment. I can simply live my life and then cease to exist!  But now for the first time the life I lived (as a Christian and as a pastors wife) was now at odds with my belief and I now had a whole other problem. How could I be an atheist and a pastors wife? I determined that I would simply never tell anyone and continue to live just as I always had. Obviously that didn’t work out...I’ll come back and fill in more later, but for now I feel like I’ve been typing forever!  If you’ve read this far, thank you!!

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Hi @Seekingwhatisnext, glad you’ve decided to share your story with us!  We have a number of former Calvinists here.  

 

I’ve noticed that people “lose” their faith for various reasons but when they come here they usually learn a host of other reasons why Christianity is false.  I learned a lot here after I had already become an Ex-Christian.  That knowledge boosted my confidence and solidified my non-belief.  That’s one of the keys to a successful deconversion experience and it’s why this community has been such a big help to so many of us.  I trust it will be so for you too.  
 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing more from you!

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3 hours ago, TABA said:

Hi @Seekingwhatisnext, glad you’ve decided to share your story with us!  We have a number of former Calvinists here.  

 

I’ve noticed that people “lose” their faith for various reasons but when they come here they usually learn a host of other reasons why Christianity is false.  I learned a lot here after I had already become an Ex-Christian.  That knowledge boosted my confidence and solidified my non-belief.  That’s one of the keys to a successful deconversion experience and it’s why this community has been such a big help to so many of us.  I trust it will be so for you too.  
 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to hearing more from you!

Thank you!  Yes, over the past few years I’ve come to realize how absurd the entire premise is.  Even in his own book god is the ultimate bad guy, the evil puppet master villain. I see the bible completely differently now.  I can’t believe how blind I was to it before. The stories, especially in the Old Testament, are so awful, I truly can’t believe we let children read it!  I can see now why they only chose certain stories to make flannel graphs about in Sunday school. There is some sick stuff in there.  I keep these things to myself though. Even though we have left the church almost my entire circle are believers. I have no desire to take away from them something that brings them comfort. Life is tough and I’m happy for them that they have something that gives them hope and comfort and peace. Who cares if it’s built on something false. The hope and peace they feel is real. I would be a jerk to try to take that away from them. They know I’m an atheist. I tell them my story that I just shared with you all of how I left Christianity. I stop there. I don’t go farther and tell them the all the proofs and reasons I have found to disbelieve since leaving. Christianity was never comforting to me, it only brought me fear, but for my friends they do find comfort in it, I’m happy for them. 

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We were made to watch the Thief in the Night series in kid's church when I was 8 years old.  I was fine with it, even found it interesting in a somewhat morbid curiosity kind of way.  My bother, two years older than me, suffered horrific nightmares for years afterwards.  Even now, if he hears Larry Norman's "You've Been Left Behind," he is stricken with a bone chill.  Scarred for life, I reckon.

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22 hours ago, Seekingwhatisnext said:

...

It was wonderful. We had both sides of our family there and all our friends who had been family all our lives. I loved it there and I was so glad to raise my kids in the big family atmosphere. It was my entire social structure. 

...

 

Seekingwhatisnext,

I don't mean to presume, but I have to guess and suppose that your experience as you describe it here has been very painful and disturbing.

I hope that you will find peace.

 

It seems to me, and judging from all I have seen and experienced, that social structure is a very fundamental part of what drives the belief in Christianity.

I believe that if you somehow removed the social motivation, the Christian church would be a shadow of what we see today.

 

Women being so much more socially motivated than men, I've observed that many men attend church largely because their wife insists. I know that's a generalization and not all women nor all men are the same, but I think this is generally true.

 

 

 

 

 

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Welcome To ExC!!!

 

I really enjoyed hearing about your journey. Those thirty years of thinking you would be left behind had to be rough at times. It is awesome that you finally were able to see the Bible for what it is in the end tho. Its great to see things working out for you and that your social circle is still pretty much intact. How are the kids taking it? Do they still believe? 

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On 3/19/2021 at 10:18 AM, alreadyGone said:

 

Seekingwhatisnext,

I don't mean to presume, but I have to guess and suppose that your experience as you describe it here has been very painful and disturbing.

I hope that you will find peace.

 

It seems to me, and judging from all I have seen and experienced, that social structure is a very fundamental part of what drives the belief in Christianity.

I believe that if you somehow removed the social motivation, the Christian church would be a shadow of what we see today.

 

Women being so much more socially motivated than men, I've observed that many men attend church largely because their wife insists. I know that's a generalization and not all women nor all men are the same, but I think this is generally true.

 

 

 

 

 

It has been extremely difficult, I’ll write a follow up about the process of leaving. 

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13 hours ago, DarkBishop said:

Welcome To ExC!!!

 

I really enjoyed hearing about your journey. Those thirty years of thinking you would be left behind had to be rough at times. It is awesome that you finally were able to see the Bible for what it is in the end tho. Its great to see things working out for you and that your social circle is still pretty much intact. How are the kids taking it? Do they still believe? 

It was absolutely terrifying during those 30 years I believed I was going to hell. I would have nightmares where I was about to die (car going over a cliff or someone breaking in my house with a gun pointed at me) in each nightmare my only thought was that this was it, I was about to be in hell and on fire forever. I would wake up terrified. I’ll post a follow up of how things played out, coming out as an atheist, leaving our church and my friends/families reactions. 

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  • 8 months later...
On 3/19/2021 at 1:33 PM, TheRedneckProfessor said:

We were made to watch the Thief in the Night series in kid's church when I was 8 years old.  I was fine with it, even found it interesting in a somewhat morbid curiosity kind of way.  My bother, two years older than me, suffered horrific nightmares for years afterwards.  Even now, if he hears Larry Norman's "You've Been Left Behind," he is stricken with a bone chill.  Scarred for life, I reckon.

I used to love Larry Norman, until I saw him in concert, complaining about his flight to Australia. He was bitter and sounded entitled (not that I knew what entitlement was back then ;) ).

 

Seekingwhatisnext, I can empathize. My deconversion took about 35 years, much of it angst filled with afterlife fears.

It took more years to admit my deconversion to family and friends. I was especially worried about my best friend, who is a church minister.

In the usual Aussie way, he later said to me, "I still love ya, mate." We remain best friends.

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It took me several more weeks to even allow myself to think it through fully. The thought was this...what if god really isn’t real?  The thought that had terrified me for 30 years was now comforting me. If god wasn’t real then hell wasn’t real and I didn’t have to go there!  I felt real comfort and peace for the first time!  This was wonderful!  God isn’t real, there is no eternal punishment. I can simply live my life and then cease to exist!

I did not encounter predestination as you have (except for a brief convo with an uncle), but I had a similar experience of relief.  Few Christians are conscious of the amount of stress fretting about salvation causes in their lives.  On the surface they are supremely confident that they are saved and will tell you enthusiastically.  However there is quite a bit of wiggle room with the requirements, so one can never be SURE!  Consider some of the following hurdles, pitfalls, and contradictions.

  • Salvation is through faith alone. 
  • OK good, so I don't have to do anything more.  Whew!  But wait, how can one KNOW that your faith is strong enough?
  • Sorry, strong faith is not enough, good works are also required.  The famous verse in James about faith without works is dead.  Is a dead faith going to save you?
  • OK I've done some good works and I'm a good person, but is it enough?  How can one KNOW that answer? 
  • Reread Matthew 25.  Have you physically housed the homeless?  Have you actually visited prisoners in jail?  No?  Then you are going to hell for eternity!
  • Strong faith & lack of good works Vs. Helping the poor while filled with doubt - Ohhh noooo, how does this end?

Ahhh....So good to get away from that unmerry-go-round!

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Nice brief summary of the angst, DroidGnosis.

 

And I agree....

 

1 hour ago, DroidGnosis said:

Ahhh....So good to get away from that unmerry-go-round!

 

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