My dad passed away today, and I feel more conflicted than plain sad...

[ZenPaladin]

Hey guys. So if you have seen my posts my estranged dad has been fighting COVID for around the past month or so. He started off conscious and talking but then he had to be intubated. We visited him and saw him hooked up to machines that allowed him to breath or filter his kidneys. As for my family situation, my parents had a very dysfunctional marriage all me and my sister's life, fought and argued a lot and my dad while not always terrible(took us to movies, out to eat, etc) still wasn't the best coparent with my mom, had financial issues and was aggressive towards me and called me names, disowned me on a few occasions and barely a couple years ago when my sister attempted to overdose(she survived) he threatened to kill me just because I told him and my mom to stop arguing when we were in the emergency department. 

 

 

He didnt have the best upbringing coming up in the inner city and the mood swings seem tied to some untreated mental illness(seems my sister got that while I am autistic) but it isn't an excuse. I don't hate him, but for the longest while our interactions didnt extend beyond the occasional 2 mins or less phone call and the obligatory hugs when he came by(they finally divorced when I was 16). And he had expressed before regret for the things he did and how he treated us but his shifty behavior persisted.

So within the 4+ weeks of this was the drama that ensued due to his GF having power of attorney(turned out to be a lie and manipulation on her part) and funny business from some of my dad's relatives, and my sister having another meltdown breaking pictures and glass all over downstairs. And after I went back to my new city(was finally moving out and trying to get an EMT job), my mom had told me my dad's condition had improved a bit(very gradually becoming less reliant on the ventilator) but awhile ago I was at a DOT facility getting my physical as I had been offered the EMT job to start June 7th but had a couple more steps to go. But in the waiting room I stepped outside when my mom called, and she was near inconsolable when she told me my dad had passed away an hour before.

I know the movies and TV would have you think I would break down into a blubbering mess, screaming and crying. But no. I haven't really shed a tear. But I am not happy about him being gone. But before he got sick I was wrestling with the fact that I wasn't invested in having a relationship with him. I didnt want things to be this way at all but like I said its not like he hasn't said he would change before only to not do so. But now, I feel shame that part of me feels relief for feeling fate made my decision for me. And being an ex-Christian, this is among the first if personal losses that I will have to deal with without the security blanket of an afterlife and such. Maybe there is, but I am not hedging my bets even then since there is no guarantee of what that would even be.

But yeah. My dad is gone. I did visit him on my way back and said I forgave him and loved him. Maybe it as semi true, that I could do it one day. Really I feel confused right now and just, another reminder that I am not a kid anymore, and everything will never be the same again...

[mwc]

     We all deal with these issues differently and sometimes relief is all we have.  It's not right or wrong.

 

     I have a different story, that I won't go through here, but when my dad died (my relationship with him was different from the one you describe having with your own dad) I also felt more relief than sadness.  It was because he was in a long decline that was robbing him of who he was and the strain on him and my mother caused me a lot of pain.  I didn't want him to die, and I was very sad (I still am) but relief was just really more prevalent.  I think it helped keep me from feeling all the pain of sadness.  I don't know.

 

          mwc

 

[♦ Fuego ♦]

You've made some great steps towards a solid life of your own based in maturity and healthy choices. That is outstanding.

We each process death differently. My sister had a heck of a time while the boys were more factual, until the funeral at least (for me). 

[florduh]

12 hours ago, ZenPaladin said:

But before he got sick I was wrestling with the fact that I wasn't invested in having a relationship with him.

The unfortunate fact is that not all people, even family, are worthy of your emotional investment. Be well.

[alreadyGone]

10 minutes ago, florduh said:

The unfortunate fact is that not all people, even family, are worthy of your emotional investment. Be well.

 

This is truth.

It can be one of the most difficult truths to accept in this life.

[Joshpantera]

Sorry to hear the news. 

 

But I'll follow by pointing out that while sad, after my great grandparents and grandparents passed away, that was it for the religious zeal. It went with them. And the younger generations are not only growing up without any of it, but are educated well about what's wrong with the 'old ways.' And essentially it helps in terms of moving on and moving forward when the older religious zealots pass on. 

[DanForsman]

Hi Zen. Even with the distant relationship your dad was still a very important part of your growing up and his death is a loss for you. Like others here I am sorry to hear this sad news that is impacting you and your family and especially your mother. There may be grieving for you or not. Just continue to be honest with yourself and allow your feeling about what has happened to develop however they need to. You are making progress in your life right now and that is possibly the most important for you to keep your focus on. Congratulations on your first EMT job! Good for you on making a plan and carrying it through. Be proud of yourself for such a significant accomplishment.

[AliT]

Grief does weird things to us. I was actually happy when my mum finally succumbed to cancer and wasn't in pain any more. I had to be the strong one for my dad and sister, meaning I never really mourned. Years later, while driving home from work, a favourite song of hers came on the radio and I had to pull over because everything suddenly caught up with me.

 

We are all different, but don't be surprised if a seemingly innocuous event smacks you in the gut emotionally as happened to me.  If and when it does, own the pain and let it cleanse your guilt. 

 

I hope this helps you, and just want to encourage you as a dad myself that I recognise that you are a good child, and that lots of parents would love to have a child like you. (And sorry if that sounds patronising; I dont mean to).

 

To finish on a positive note, good luck as an EMT. With your caring attitude I'm sure you'll be brilliant.