Jump to content

Never thought I'd wind up here.


Recommended Posts

Hi. 


First, I want to say that I'm tired as I'm writing this and my grasp on scripture might not be the most accurate. And that my post might be a little all over the place. Hopefully I'm not annoying any of you with a generic de-conversion story. 
 

I stopped by ex.christian.net years ago, back when I was still tied to my faith.

Initially, I basically held nothing but contempt for you guys. And I guess I'd like to go ahead and apologize for that. 

 

Truth is, I never really was a devout Christian. Or, at least not until sometime around last year. When the lockdowns started I fell deep down the conspiracy rabbit hole. I started watching Info Wars and some miscellaneous stuff on Bitchute. I used to talk about it with my grandparents and my mom often, mainly because they were heavily engrossed in Qanon and I wanted them to stop believing that lunacy (in retrospect, it's pretty bad when even Alex Jones thinks it's too crazy). afterwards I decided Info Wars wasn't "true" enough and began subscribing to a bunch of channels on YouTube that introduced me to Gematria and further fueled my eventual meltdown.

 

After a while, it all started to take a toll on me, and I began living in constant fear. So, I started praying more and reading my Bible, trying to get closer to God. I started watching sermons and other videos, and subscribed to several Christian channels. I bought a new KJV because I wasn't comfortable with just the NKJV anymore. Some days before my sister's wedding, I took a bunch of theology books from the free book table at their church (which I never read, I feel awful for taking them). I even stopped talking to my friends on Discord for a while because I was told to "come out and be separate". As far as I knew, I was getting on the right path. I took note of the commandments and tried to follow them.

 

And then there were some things I didn't get.
(Luke 14:26) Why do I have to hate my entire family and myself? 
I did look this up a good bit, and most people seemed to agree that you're not literally supposed to hate your family, simply love Jesus more than them. 
But while doing this I came across a rather jarring example that went something like, "If God told you to crash your car into a tree with your family, would you do it?"
Was "yes" supposed to be the right answer? What the hell!?
I reasoned reasoned against this psychotic question with, "no, because God doesn't order people to commit acts of murder". 
HOO BOY. 


Something that really got me was the whole concept of "death to self". At first, I assumed this meant the sinful self. But, as I looked that up, I came to know that wasn't the case. "Dying to self" means self-denial to the core, including your own personality. Now, self-denial isn't a concept exclusive to Christianity at all. But I was taught growing up that God created me with my personality, that I was "one-of-a-kind". "God made you special!" as VeggieTales always put it. And now I'm being told that my personality, my interests, my hobbies, my sense of self, are sinful, that I must "put them on an alter and kill them". I must sell everything I have and become a monk, to store up for treasures in Heaven. 

 

But why would I even want to go to Heaven if I have to sacrifice everything else to get there? To see my family? Apparently, you have to be absolutely perfect to get to Heaven anyway, which most Christians, my family included, didn't believe. So they probably weren't going to be there anyway. I can only imagine maybe three of my great grandparents being up there, not many else.  And even if we were all up there, what's the point? Christian Heaven sounds like an eternal worship service. 

 

But the straw that broke the camel's back (well, less of a straw and more of an anvil) was reading about the genocides of in OT. Particularly, the Amalekites. (1 Samuel 15:3) Wasn't God supposed to love and protect children? Aren't they precious in his eyes? Did they have to go as far as slaughtering the infants?

 

Since I started de-converting, though I've gotten better, I'm still slightly afraid of Hell, and absolutely terrified of the Bible prophesy. New World Order, mark of the beast, all that stuff. My mom drilled that into my head starting as young as 7 or 8. And it doesn't help that it's the only thing my grandmother ever talks about anymore. One night, my sister came to visit, the family stayed over and we all had dinner together. Grandmother was talking about the illuminati and the antichrist over steak. Lovely. My siblings didn't like that either, though. 

I think my dad actually put that best: "You keep worrying about all that mess and it'll eat you up." 

 

Also, I'm aware that you guys have a section on coming out, but I've thought over the possible outcomes, and I just can't do it. My grandparents would undoubtable despise me for the rest of their lives, my mom would have her heart shattered and pray over me constantly, and my siblings and my dad, though I do think they'd keep contact with me, would still worry and probably try to convert me back. I hate lying about being a Christian, but it's better than ruining my bond with my family. So, how can I get better at faking it?

 

Anyway, that's about all I had to say. Glad I could get this off my chest.

 

 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, BreeFird7979 said:

Glad I could get this off my chest.

Glad you came here and shared.  I think you'll find that deconversion can sometimes be a long process and there may be questions you'll continue to have. I hope you'll stick around. 

6 hours ago, BreeFird7979 said:

Also, I'm aware that you guys have a section on coming out, but I've thought over the possible outcomes, and I just can't do it. My grandparents would undoubtable despise me for the rest of their lives, my mom would have her heart shattered and pray over me constantly, and my siblings and my dad, though I do think they'd keep contact with me, would still worry and probably try to convert me back. I hate lying about being a Christian, but it's better than ruining my bond with my family. So, how can I get better at faking it?

I think you have to take things one step at a time.  As you grow more and more away from cult-thinking, you might find it unbearable to be anything other than authentic to yourself, or you may find a "comfortable zone" where you quietly disagree, but not really rocking the boat.  (I am still in that zone, much older than you).  But I'm hoping to one day finally take to heart the fact that if other people emotionally abuse me simply because I don't believe in the invisible things they believe in, that is entirely their problem and not mine. Also if I want to see real change away from harmful religious zealotry in my lifetime,  I need to be part of the change. But . . . one step at a time. 

Best to you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, freshstart said:

I think you have to take things one step at a time.  As you grow more and more away from cult-thinking, you might find it unbearable to be anything other than authentic to yourself, or you may find a "comfortable zone" where you quietly disagree, but not really rocking the boat.  (I am still in that zone, much older than you).  But I'm hoping to one day finally take to heart the fact that if other people emotionally abuse me simply because I don't believe in the invisible things they believe in, that is entirely their problem and not mine.

 

Very well said. Our minds get programmed by our parents and family culture in deep ways, and often they aren't good ways. As children, we expect the adults to have a good grasp of reality and help us become prepared to deal with life. Now that we are adults, we can see that nope, adults are often just a mess and pass that on to their kids. But recognizing that and making a conscious choice to be different is our most powerful ability, even if the changes are slow baby steps. Fear is the base power of religion, and that is what duped me into first believing. I was a kid afraid of monsters and saw an advert for "The Exorcist". Scared the shit out of me and led to 30 years of hardcore faith. But it was a childish decision based on Hollywood special effects, nothing more. All of the years of studying the scriptures and trying to find the presence of God were a constant shell-game of belief despite evidence smacking me in the face that there was nothing real about the god I was seeking, and the scriptures that purport to be historical documents are made-up stories. We stick with it for so long because of the social bonds we form with other believers and family. 

 

Breaking out of such a social circle can be difficult, but becomes easier when we can shift to another circle. We do need human support, and finding new friends with similar interests can help re-orient the mind and emotions. I used to be a terribly invasive person because church was teaching me that we had to pursue holiness or be damned. That kind of attitude isn't tolerated outside the church except in other kinds of cults and families. When I left church I began learning about music and began hanging out with other amateur singers, performing on stage and hiring instrumentalists. They became one of the social circles for me. When you get involved in things you enjoy, it naturally provides opportunities for relationships. Dance lessons were another fun way to meet others and let go of the church programming. But it does crop up in my mind and emotions occasionally. The songs, the phrases, the mannerisms of people I used to consider important. That's ok. It no longer has a hold on me, but was part of my life experience for decades. 

 

So welcome, and I hope we can be helpful to you in finding your strength and forming new paths in life. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

Welcome to Ex-C!

 

You're really just beginning what can be a long and convoluted journey for some, but perhaps we can help move things along as you get more comfortable with reality. It's early in the game but be advised I am one of the few who insists that honesty is the only viable option for those who deconvert. A love or relationship based on lies serves neither party. Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

Sensitive as I am to your current situation, I agree with florduh.  Pretending to be something you're not will lead to considerable unhappiness for you; and, if discovered, will make others feel deceived and manipulated.  It may be best to come out slowly, in stages; but, eventually, the truth will out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, BreeFird7979 said:

Also, I'm aware that you guys have a section on coming out, but I've thought over the possible outcomes, and I just can't do it. My grandparents would undoubtable despise me for the rest of their lives, my mom would have her heart shattered and pray over me constantly, and my siblings and my dad, though I do think they'd keep contact with me, would still worry and probably try to convert me back. I hate lying about being a Christian, but it's better than ruining my bond with my family. So, how can I get better at faking it?

 

 

Do  you live with these people? Or just in the same town maybe? Really your beliefs are none of their business. So if anyone asks point blank you can always say, "My beliefs are rather personal." You dont have to answer a question Yes or No. From looking at posts by other people in similar circumstances I have concluded that it's much less drama if religious nuts only suspect a loved one of non-belief. But when you come out, the major drama follows. 

 

There is nothing morally wrong with lying about being a Christian.

What IS morally wrong is trying to emotionally manipulate you into keeping a belief system. 

What IS morally wrong is feeling like you have to hide your real beliefs due to evil Christianity's self defense mechanism. 

 

On the one hand it's nice to keep your bond with your family, on the other hand .... antichrist and the illuminati. :) I would put some physical distance between them and you so you dont have to deal with religious BS on a daily basis with them. You can love them from afar. At some point lying about being a Christian may become more annoying than the family bond. 

 

You can also make new family ties with non-religious friends and love interests. If you come out at some point and they all go bonkers over that, that's on them. They will need to deal with it. It's not your problem. You can also tell them how they are going to interact with you or you will not interact at all. Religious passive aggression or aggressive aggression will be met with 'no contact'. 

 

edit. I moved far enough away from my parents so I could enjoy living my life. They werent religious, just annoying in other 'parenty' ways. 

edit. Once you find yourself emotionally detached, on your own and more autonomous as an adult you might find it fun to push their Jesus button by coming out. Watch all hell break loose and have a good chuckle over it. :) 

 

edit. It can be difficult to not want to please your parents, but the beliefs they have contain a component of evil. A religion that makes people afraid of their family's reaction to them thinking differently is evil. The family wont view it that way, of course. 

edit. Christianity describes that evil in its own bible: Matthew 10:34-35. 

 

Good luck. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello,

 

You seem quite normally all over the place :)). 

    It is like the dam broke. Until the water settles you can expect, well, the unexpected. At first it is more of a just react and survive than plan ahead probably. So no pressure to do smth right now might be a good idea.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/21/2021 at 8:46 PM, BreeFird7979 said:

Hi. 


First, I want to say that I'm tired as I'm writing this and my grasp on scripture might not be the most accurate. And that my post might be a little all over the place. Hopefully I'm not annoying any of you with a generic de-conversion story. 
 

I stopped by ex.christian.net years ago, back when I was still tied to my faith.

Initially, I basically held nothing but contempt for you guys. And I guess I'd like to go ahead and apologize for that. 

 

Truth is, I never really was a devout Christian. Or, at least not until sometime around last year. When the lockdowns started I fell deep down the conspiracy rabbit hole. I started watching Info Wars and some miscellaneous stuff on Bitchute. I used to talk about it with my grandparents and my mom often, mainly because they were heavily engrossed in Qanon and I wanted them to stop believing that lunacy (in retrospect, it's pretty bad when even Alex Jones thinks it's too crazy). afterwards I decided Info Wars wasn't "true" enough and began subscribing to a bunch of channels on YouTube that introduced me to Gematria and further fueled my eventual meltdown.

 

After a while, it all started to take a toll on me, and I began living in constant fear. So, I started praying more and reading my Bible, trying to get closer to God. I started watching sermons and other videos, and subscribed to several Christian channels. I bought a new KJV because I wasn't comfortable with just the NKJV anymore. Some days before my sister's wedding, I took a bunch of theology books from the free book table at their church (which I never read, I feel awful for taking them). I even stopped talking to my friends on Discord for a while because I was told to "come out and be separate". As far as I knew, I was getting on the right path. I took note of the commandments and tried to follow them.

 

And then there were some things I didn't get.
(Luke 14:26) Why do I have to hate my entire family and myself? 
I did look this up a good bit, and most people seemed to agree that you're not literally supposed to hate your family, simply love Jesus more than them. 
But while doing this I came across a rather jarring example that went something like, "If God told you to crash your car into a tree with your family, would you do it?"
Was "yes" supposed to be the right answer? What the hell!?
I reasoned reasoned against this psychotic question with, "no, because God doesn't order people to commit acts of murder". 
HOO BOY. 


Something that really got me was the whole concept of "death to self". At first, I assumed this meant the sinful self. But, as I looked that up, I came to know that wasn't the case. "Dying to self" means self-denial to the core, including your own personality. Now, self-denial isn't a concept exclusive to Christianity at all. But I was taught growing up that God created me with my personality, that I was "one-of-a-kind". "God made you special!" as VeggieTales always put it. And now I'm being told that my personality, my interests, my hobbies, my sense of self, are sinful, that I must "put them on an alter and kill them". I must sell everything I have and become a monk, to store up for treasures in Heaven. 

 

But why would I even want to go to Heaven if I have to sacrifice everything else to get there? To see my family? Apparently, you have to be absolutely perfect to get to Heaven anyway, which most Christians, my family included, didn't believe. So they probably weren't going to be there anyway. I can only imagine maybe three of my great grandparents being up there, not many else.  And even if we were all up there, what's the point? Christian Heaven sounds like an eternal worship service. 

 

But the straw that broke the camel's back (well, less of a straw and more of an anvil) was reading about the genocides of in OT. Particularly, the Amalekites. (1 Samuel 15:3) Wasn't God supposed to love and protect children? Aren't they precious in his eyes? Did they have to go as far as slaughtering the infants?

 

Since I started de-converting, though I've gotten better, I'm still slightly afraid of Hell, and absolutely terrified of the Bible prophesy. New World Order, mark of the beast, all that stuff. My mom drilled that into my head starting as young as 7 or 8. And it doesn't help that it's the only thing my grandmother ever talks about anymore. One night, my sister came to visit, the family stayed over and we all had dinner together. Grandmother was talking about the illuminati and the antichrist over steak. Lovely. My siblings didn't like that either, though. 

I think my dad actually put that best: "You keep worrying about all that mess and it'll eat you up." 

 

Also, I'm aware that you guys have a section on coming out, but I've thought over the possible outcomes, and I just can't do it. My grandparents would undoubtable despise me for the rest of their lives, my mom would have her heart shattered and pray over me constantly, and my siblings and my dad, though I do think they'd keep contact with me, would still worry and probably try to convert me back. I hate lying about being a Christian, but it's better than ruining my bond with my family. So, how can I get better at faking it?

 

Anyway, that's about all I had to say. Glad I could get this off my chest.
 

 

I came out in my early 20's, but became a devout atheist when still in high school. Why? for similar reasons that you explained. I started studying Christianity about age 11, aside from Sunday school as a kid. At age 15-16, after also studying many sects of Christianity and other non-Christian religions, also going to their Churches, synagogues, temples, etc. I decided it was all pure BS, and agreed with Darwin that we were simply animals and no more. And that the only heaven or hell anyone would ever see was the one that one made for themselves here on Earth --especially in one's mind and thinking.

 

I'm not a big fan about coming out as a non-believer , but not a big fan of lying either. Between the two there can be a compromise of sorts for some people. Much suffering in this world is self induced. Have no part in that. Like the song goes: live, love, laugh and be happy. And don't do unto others as you would not want them to do unto you.

 

Good luck and hope you will find some of that happiness here with us,  best regards

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator
On 6/21/2021 at 11:46 PM, BreeFird7979 said:

First, I want to say that I'm tired as I'm writing this and my grasp on scripture might not be the most accurate. And that my post might be a little all over the place. Hopefully I'm not annoying any of you with a generic de-conversion story. 
 

I stopped by ex.christian.net years ago, back when I was still tied to my faith.

Initially, I basically held nothing but contempt for you guys. And I guess I'd like to go ahead and apologize for that. 

 

The situation is that we get it. You've been brainwashed into believing all variety of nonsense as truth. When someone calls bullshit, it strikes at the ego. This would be the case with anything. If you were into some new age cult and came across people who left it calling bullshit on the whole thing, it would be exactly the same. You'd get angry at the suggestion that you've been wrong or that your beliefs aren't actually true. We've been there, done that. 

 

That's why even the most hardened apologist could literally argue for years, suddenly get it, and we'd be like, 'meh, welcome aboard, you finally get it!' 

 

On 6/21/2021 at 11:46 PM, BreeFird7979 said:

Since I started de-converting, though I've gotten better, I'm still slightly afraid of Hell, and absolutely terrified of the Bible prophesy. New World Order, mark of the beast, all that stuff. My mom drilled that into my head starting as young as 7 or 8. And it doesn't help that it's the only thing my grandmother ever talks about anymore. One night, my sister came to visit, the family stayed over and we all had dinner together. Grandmother was talking about the illuminati and the antichrist over steak. Lovely. My siblings didn't like that either, though. 

I think my dad actually put that best: "You keep worrying about all that mess and it'll eat you up." 

 

You should look forward to becoming immune to worrying about any of it. I am. Many people here are immune to worrying about evident false claims and assorted, very obvious nonsense. Mostly because it's evidently man made myths and fables. The evidence firms up this conclusion.

 

If you get into an evidence and factual based approach and mindset, there's nothing remotely valid about heaven, hell, or any of it. Certainly not prophecy. Most of the prophecy content of the bible comes from later written pieces which were back dated to appear older, such as the book of Daniel for instance. There's a lot of territory to cover, but you can systematically debunk anything in the bible which is 'claimed' as prophecy. The brainwashing is all they have going in that regard, not solid evidence to back the claims. Not even modern Israel works out as a legit prophecy, even though so many people just accept the claim at face value without questioning it. 

 

On 6/21/2021 at 11:46 PM, BreeFird7979 said:

I hate lying about being a Christian, but it's better than ruining my bond with my family. So, how can I get better at faking it?

 

I don't know your age, but if you live at home then I'd say that when you're out on your own you can have a better shot at being yourself. You don't want to have to live a fake life, but you also have to pick and choose your battles and gauge when and where to draw lines in the sand. Even many of the middle aged and elderly folk among live like that. We have christian relatives, in-laws, or children. We're not always hell on wheels fighting, arguing, and debating everyone all the time. 

 

Just on the internet!!!! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.