Xtianity kind of messed up my life really bad need someone to talk to about this stuff

[indigo87]

I grew up in a home where my dad was a pastor of the united methodist Church (stating this so you can understand back ground of the kind of beliefs I grew up in better) 

 

Ok so my parents really were not mean to me or abusing me or anything and tried to be nice when I was really young a priest of another church was doing baby sitting I don't even fully remember everything just that he would walk up to all sorts of kids and try to lure them somewhere. I do clearly remember one time he had me and several children in the basement of a house across the street from the  church. He put us in this playpen everyone was crying and really scared he would take turns sexually forcing himself on us. It seems like my parents had taken a trip somewhere. Really have no clue where the other kids were from I think no one was supposed to be there and my parents didn't know I was there. I consistently told them I was in this house and something bad happened they didn't believe me for awhile. 

 

So all this stopped when my parents had not left yet he had me outside in the back yard with my pants pulled down. My parents asked what he was doing. He said oh he's just checking out my genitals to compare sizes it's an innocent game boys play. My dad believed him but didn't allow him to come back. They still don't really even know anything happened to me. 

 

After that I kind of became angry at them. I did end up burning down the house at about age 8 or 9 (this happened earlier than that) cause I "didn't want to do homework" my mom thinks I was possessed by the spirit of God and an angel and was directed to do so because she prayed and asked for help cleaning the basement. She was like praise God for this. And she has a cross from the fire to this day on the fridge where the soot didn't go onto it she thinks it's a sign of God's love. 

 

Unrelated to this story and me altogether as I was not even there is years later she prayed for help in cleaning out the car and the thing caught on fire soon after in the middle of the road starting by an electrical spark under her passenger seat. She was like Praise Jesus again. 

 

Well anyways so I have always been really angry at my family and felt victimized by the fact I still have to deal with xtianity. You can imagine how this went as a teen the police were even called to the home several times. 

 

So how do I get over all this stuff. I feel victimized by it cause pastor and priest is basically the same thing I feel like my past or family has corrupted me in some way. 

 

This does not even touch on the stuff with my partner who seems to not want to take a side in this war and that frustrates me cause I want to be free of all this. I feel like their trying to introduce her to xtianity was an act of war against me as a person and in the military there are soldiers civilians and enemy combatants they have become an enemy combatant your job is to back up your side and protect civilians and take out enemy soldiers. In this case more on a psychological and spiritual aspect but I am giving you the example so I can show you how I feel. 

 

At least this is how I feel. 

 

Any advice on any of this. 

 

Or is my future hopeless and dreary  constantly worrying about all this stuff and being miserable. 

[indigo87]

Later on this messed me up too with years of alcohol abuse, and using pills then heroin and crack for awhile. I am not really on drugs as of right now but I feel like all this stuff has held me back from enjoying life. I am 33 really haven't done a lot with my life. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Welcome Indigo.  I know sharing all of that was difficult; and I commend you for having the courage to get it all out.  I was around your age when I left christianity.  I experienced much of the same neglect and mental/emotional abuse from my parents as you describe here.  Addiction is a natural byproduct of such childhood trauma.  And I feel like my entire life before age 35 was a complete waste.  Yeah, I was angry for a long time.

 

But, I decided I didn't want to waste the next 35 years of my life.  I went back to college, got a degree, and started turning my life around.  I got into programs to overcome my addictions and started to work through and deal with the effects of my childhood.  It hasn't been easy.  I've had to face a lot of ugly truth about myself.  But I keep after it every day; because I deserve to be a better person than I was raised to be.  I deserve to have a better life than I was raised to have.

 

The anger and such will never fully go away on its own.  It may or may not lessen; but you have to be the one to deal with it.  Same with the long-term effects of your childhood trauma.  I know you think you're in a really bad place right now; but this is the best place for you to get started.

[freshstart]

Hi Indigo.  I'm so sorry to hear about all the trauma in your life and how Christianity has complicated that. As you can see from RNPs reply, unfortunately what you describe is not uncommon, so at least know that you are not alone.  You asked for advice, so I'm going to offer my two cents:  please seek out a counselor, a non-religious professional who has experience with people who have been sexually traumatized and with people who are/have been substance users.  In this day and age, especially while experiencing a pandemic, it has become commonplace to go online for support and advice.  While that can be very helpful, there are limits to online support. Seek out someone who has the expertise you need, and can sit down with you, one-on-one, giving you the undivided attention you deserve.  Best wishes to you!  I hope you keep us posted. 

[Joshpantera]

On 10/8/2021 at 12:50 AM, indigo87 said:

So all this stopped when my parents had not left yet he had me outside in the back yard with my pants pulled down. My parents asked what he was doing. He said oh he's just checking out my genitals to compare sizes it's an innocent game boys play. My dad believed him but didn't allow him to come back.

 

Well praise jesus! Seriously, what in the hell were your parents thinking??? I would have beat his ass right there on the spot, no questions asked, if I saw him with my kids pants down!!!

 

I was lucky enough to stay clear of these pedophiles while I was growing up, but they were always around. My pastors father-in-law was never seen without street boys that he would take in and give a home to. He was a pastor as well. What finally got him jammed up was a habit of taking kids swimming in the lake behind the church. He stuck his hands down one of my younger brother's friends pants. The boy didn't let it go, he reported it. Then years of bs started coming to light. 

 

We had an ex SDA pastor using a storage shed that my employer owned. The ex pastor hadn't payed his bills for a long time so my employer told his son and I to go clear out all the contents and take it to his house. As we started loading things up shit got strange. I first found piles of nudist community magazines. With lots of naked kids illustrated. Me and the other guy started making jokes. Then we started finding shit that was ultimately turned over to the states attorney. Turns out he was uploading porn at home and the whole thing blew up in his face. I was glad to have contributed to his demise. 

 

Christianity tends to foster a wide variety of fucked up characters. Under the banner of righteousness. I'm sure you realize that the reality is that christianity has been false all along. And all of the characters, fucked up or otherwise, are simply people who are deluded into believing it's true. We represent those who pushed past the delusion and overcame it for one reason or another. Lot's of people here either experienced this sort of sexual abuse or were witness to it happening to others. It's common across the board of christian denominations. Check out some of the stories of abuse in the Amish communities. It's all over the place. So you're not alone, that's for sure. 

 

The other issue is that you'd get stories like this from any religious community. Because the sexual abuse problem transcends religions and is a human problem at it's core. Religions just happen to create an environment full of children which sexual deviants tend to take advantage of. Whether they actually believe the religion is hard to say. I bet a lot of them don't. I'm sure some of them think they can 'pray it off' and repeat the offenses over and over again. It just tends to help with perspective to span out and see these kinds of problems on large scale and acknowledge that they are ultimate human problems that involve all types of people from all types of beliefs. And in that sense you are really not alone! It's all over the world.  

 

 

[indigo87]

On 10/8/2021 at 5:53 AM, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Welcome Indigo.  I know sharing all of that was difficult; and I commend you for having the courage to get it all out.  I was around your age when I left christianity.  I experienced much of the same neglect and mental/emotional abuse from my parents as you describe here.  Addiction is a natural byproduct of such childhood trauma.  And I feel like my entire life before age 35 was a complete waste.  Yeah, I was angry for a long time.

 

But, I decided I didn't want to waste the next 35 years of my life.  I went back to college, got a degree, and started turning my life around.  I got into programs to overcome my addictions and started to work through and deal with the effects of my childhood.  It hasn't been easy.  I've had to face a lot of ugly truth about myself.  But I keep after it every day; because I deserve to be a better person than I was raised to be.  I deserve to have a better life than I was raised to have.

 

The anger and such will never fully go away on its own.  It may or may not lessen; but you have to be the one to deal with it.  Same with the long-term effects of your childhood trauma.  I know you think you're in a really bad place right now; but this is the best place for you to get started.

 

Thank you it is getting better for me as a person. I may never fully know what happened to me I was so young like only about 3 years old. My partner has been a support sometimes she had something happen to her but it was her family. It also had to do with religion. Her birth parents thought they would get favor with the devil or something by abusing her sexually. They went to a regular church. I don't fully know what this was about. 

 

She had some similar issues to me personally.

 

11 hours ago, Joshpantera said:

 

Well praise jesus! Seriously, what in the hell were your parents thinking??? I would have beat his ass right there on the spot, no questions asked, if I saw him with my kids pants down!!!

 

I was lucky enough to stay clear of these pedophiles while I was growing up, but they were always around. My pastors father-in-law was never seen without street boys that he would take in and give a home to. He was a pastor as well. What finally got him jammed up was a habit of taking kids swimming in the lake behind the church. He stuck his hands down one of my younger brother's friends pants. The boy didn't let it go, he reported it. Then years of bs started coming to light. 

 

We had an ex SDA pastor using a storage shed that my employer owned. The ex pastor hadn't payed his bills for a long time so my employer told his son and I to go clear out all the contents and take it to his house. As we started loading things up shit got strange. I first found piles of nudist community magazines. With lots of naked kids illustrated. Me and the other guy started making jokes. Then we started finding shit that was ultimately turned over to the states attorney. Turns out he was uploading porn at home and the whole thing blew up in his face. I was glad to have contributed to his demise. 

 

Christianity tends to foster a wide variety of fucked up characters. Under the banner of righteousness. I'm sure you realize that the reality is that christianity has been false all along. And all of the characters, fucked up or otherwise, are simply people who are deluded into believing it's true. We represent those who pushed past the delusion and overcame it for one reason or another. Lot's of people here either experienced this sort of sexual abuse or were witness to it happening to others. It's common across the board of christian denominations. Check out some of the stories of abuse in the Amish communities. It's all over the place. So you're not alone, that's for sure. 

 

The other issue is that you'd get stories like this from any religious community. Because the sexual abuse problem transcends religions and is a human problem at it's core. Religions just happen to create an environment full of children which sexual deviants tend to take advantage of. Whether they actually believe the religion is hard to say. I bet a lot of them don't. I'm sure some of them think they can 'pray it off' and repeat the offenses over and over again. It just tends to help with perspective to span out and see these kinds of problems on large scale and acknowledge that they are ultimate human problems that involve all types of people from all types of beliefs. And in that sense you are really not alone! It's all over the world.  

 

 

My dad was a pastor. He probably kind of just wanted to let it go thought oh nothing could have happened cause he was a priest of another church. I seriously wanted to go vandalize that church sometime (the one where that priest was from it is not in my city more than two hours away from me) and write Pedophiles over some stuff. What is really really disturbing to me is I did a search of that church on Google and the first thing that pops up are a bunch of images of children under there profile it's kind of creepy most churches don't do that. I think it's still Going on. 

 

I don't think that priest believed in the religion he was just using it as a way to be close to children. He was so arrogant he would walk up to children playing outside and try to lure them to go with him but he was a priest so no one believed anything. 

 

He never went to jail as far as I know. 

 

 

[indigo87]

I needed to talk to someone didn't know where to go where anyone understands any of this that is why I published this it feels like it's kind of been bothering me a lot recently. 

[Joshpantera]

27 minutes ago, indigo87 said:

I needed to talk to someone didn't know where to go where anyone understands any of this that is why I published this it feels like it's kind of been bothering me a lot recently. 

 

We've had a lot of horror stories come through here. A woman came on here a while back with an especially bad one where her father abused the hell out of her physically and sexually. This man was evil incarnate. And somehow this all played out through a christian scenario. That particular story sticks out in my mind. Because it was absolutely terrible what he did to his own daughter. It infuriates me to think about it. 

 

I have rescue dogs which are really edgy do to former abuses. I've babied them and spoiled them rotten with attention to counter act their past. And they're really good dogs for the most part. But terrified of certain things. They're about as rehabilitated as they can be. But never 100%

 

Humans aren't very different. When people are mistreated, beaten, abused, and the rest, it sticks with them for life. I think everyone has the hope of working it out as best as they can. But they'll never be as though none of it every happened. That's where the counseling comes in. Lot's of people who visit here have sought out professional counseling from secular professionals and have experiences some degree of success. Both you and your girlfriend sound like you ought to get involved in some professional level counseling do the trauma's you mention. I think you have just as good a hope as anyone else for getting to a place where you're as rehabilitated as you can be. Horrible past, you didn't deserve any of it and none it every should have happened to you. 

 

What we can offer here is community and friendship. If you decide to stick around you can make friends with people who come from similar backgrounds and you can discuss anything to do with it. People debate around about things and sometimes there's heated discussion. That's just the nature of online forums. But it is nice to be able to check in and discuss things and even debate issues among peers at times. We just prefer to keep away from political issues because though we're all ex christian, we have diverse political views and there's no consensus on where politics go after leaving the faith. 

 

If getting more of this off your chest helps, please continue. We'll be reading along and responding. 

[DianaF]

@Indigo87     I happened across this post in looking for the definition of xtianity.  My life was influenced by abandonment, not the same kind of trauma as yours but leaves its mark just the same.  Are you familiar with "The Keepers" on Netflix?  It's a true short series about children that were abused by a priest in their childhood and a nun murdered that was going to expose the abuse.  One of the women featured in the series, Jean, was a student of the murdered nun. She wrote a book following that series about her road to recovery.  The book is called Walking with Aletheia.  It's an attempt on her part to help others that have suffered like she has.  I'm proud to say that it is published by a small publisher who happens to be my aunt in uncle at https://logosophiabooks.com/.  I hope you find this helpful.  Best wishes to you!!