Holy Hustle snippet #9

[wadori]

"If a man kidnaps someone and tyrannizes over him or sells him, the kidnapper must stand on his head and recite the Bhagavad Gita while his victim kicks him in the balls whenever he sneezes.

"Watch out for that leprosy.  Be sure to follow the instructions of those trained in medic... ahh, that is, the priests, god's experts for everything!

"When you make a loan to your neighbor, don't go into his house to get his pledge.  Let him bring it out to you.  If the neighbor is poor, don't lie down holding onto the pledge.  Return his cloak at sunset so he can lay down in his own clothes and masturbate.

"Don't oppress a hired worker who is poor and needy.  Pay his wages each day, because he is poor, and you don't want him sabotaging your wheat combine the next day.

"Don't undermine the justice of a foreigner or orphan or take a widow's clothes as a pledge, even if you think she'd look good naked.

"When you are harvesting your field and overlook a sheaf don't go back for it.  Leave it for the foreigner, orphan or widow.  When you beat the olives from your tree or cut the grapes from your vineyard don't look back over it a second time.  Leave the gleanings for the fatherless and widow.  Someone has to take care of all those orphans and widows that god creates.”

 

from my book, “Holy Hustle: A Bible Parody, Consisting of All 66 Books of Both the Old and the New Hustles”

[◊ Weezer ◊]

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