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Goodbye Jesus

Holy Hustle snippet #10


wadori

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Later that day Jesus went down to the sea side, and such a large crowd gathered around that he got in a ship, pushed out far enough that they couldn't hit him with their rotten tomatoes and told them many things in parables.  Those would be fancy little stories that make you think he's right clever when he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about, like, "A farmer went out to sow his seed.  Some of it fell beside the way, and the birds ate it up.  Some fell on a rocky area without much soil, where it sprang right up but quickly died, because it had no roots.  Other seeds fell among thorns which chocked out the plants.  "Ahh, ahh," they could be heard, gasping for air.  Other seeds fell on good soil and brought forth fruit—some apples, some watermelons or some Aphrodesian love fruits.  He who has ears to hear, let him listen only to my fables and tales."

His disciples, after checking to see if their ears were still there, came to him and asked, "Why do you speak to them in fancy little stories that make them think you're right clever when you don't know what the hell you're talking about?"

"Because it has been given to you to know god's mysteries, but not to them," Jesus responded.  "Whoever has will be given more, but whoever has not will lose even what he has.  That's the way Mr. God likes to do things.  That's why I speak to them in parables.  Just like that old storyteller Isaiah said, 'Speak to them in confusing riddles so that they won't understand, and then I can fry them in hell because they didn't get it!'

 

from my book, “Holy Hustle: A Bible Parody, Consisting of All 66 Books of Both the Old and the New Hustles”

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