Parenting in a mixed belief marriage

[KWilde]

Hello,

I’m new here  
Wondering if there are any people on here who have experience in dealing with mixed marriage and parenting?

 

To give you some context to my question:

I’ve been married to my husband since I was 20 and in a relationship with him since 16.  We have 4 children between 8 and 12 years old. I grew up Christian and devoted everything I had to serving God- including having children, all financial decisions etc. 

 

Over the period in which we were having children I became ill after our second child, but still went on to have 2 more kids. This left my body a wreck, but I believed it was God’s will. Unfortunately my health continued to decline.  The church we were a part of and that my husband worked for was not supportive at all.  
 

About 3 years ago, having gone through a period of allowing myself to step outside my beliefs and start to ask questions about evolution and the bible etc., I stopped believing. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. 

 

I told my husband straight away. I told my children soon afterwards.  
 

It’s hard to sum everything up in short number of words, but basically my husband finds it hard that I don’t believe anymore but still wants to be with me. We get on really well and have a lot in common outside of our beliefs.  But what I once fully agreed with him about, I now actively oppose.  I feel that the beliefs I grew up with have been extremely harmful to my life in most aspects: finance, physical and mental health, relationships and socially.
We can no longer share with each other at a deeper level and have very different aims in life. Although I know where he’s coming from, I now find his beliefs ridiculous and harmful.

 

Which brings me to the children.

I obviously don’t want any of my children to experience the rubbish that I have and want to encourage them to see the world from many perspectives and learn to think critically in all things.  
 

My husband believes the opposite.  He wants them to be able to think for themselves, but not when it comes to believing in God and all things bible and Jesus. 
 

He takes the children to church and reads the bible and prays with them. His parents are passionate Christians and the children stay at theirs at least once a week. They pray, study the bible/read Christian books before bed. They take some of the children to church groups in the week if my husband is working. And now they have offered to pay for the children to go to a Christian holiday camp.  
 

We’ve discussed this, and I’m unhappy about my children going to a camp where they will be told things as fact that are not at all fact. Dressing it up with fun stuff means that obviously the children want to go, teaching or no teaching. 
 

2 of the children are convinced Christians. 2 are open and question everything, but are still bothered by the idea of being wrong if it all happens to be true.  
 

Part of me wonders if I should just step back and let my husband take them to anything he wants, his parents the freedom to tell them whatever they want and hope that my input will be enough to equip them to question and think things through for themselves.

But that makes me uncomfortable. Hate the idea of them being spoon fed  lies and with their earlier childhood being so Christian focused, I think the foundation of belief is already there- certainly in the 2 who already believe.  
 

Is there anyone who has experienced this sort of situation? Having all Christian family and friends, I don’t really have anyone to talk this through with.  
 

Feel free to ask questions for clarity- I’m sure I’ve missed out some helpful points, but hopefully that’s the gist of it! 
 

Any thoughts would be massively appreciated.

Thanks!

 

 

 

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome! Some children see through the lies easily, but others glom onto the fun aspects and the social circle plays a huge role in keeping them in the cult. Same is true for adult converts. Without the constant parroting of dearly-held gas-lighting lies like

"God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!"

"God is always faithful, even when it doesn't look like it!"

"He's in full control, just trust Him!"

"Oh God did answer your prayer, it just looks different than what you expected."

"You can't trust your mind. Faith is what moves the hand of God."

 

Things that are real don't need you to believe, they just are. Gravity is "always there for you" and that can be demonstrated repeatedly. God does nothing, so believers give him credit for any little thing that happens, while ignoring cancer, amputations, starvation, molestation (not even revealing locations or who is doing it), and more. They are scared of losing out on the Big Lottery Payout of heaven forever, and some still are terrified of being burned alive forever by the god of love. So they repeat the lies over and over, confessing perceived sins, begging for mercy, and trumpeting how very good god is and how evil they are and undeserving of his mercy.

 

On and on it goes, as I'm sure you know. Emotional ties are the most powerful motivators for humans. While the children feel like they don't want to be tricked out of belief by a scary ooga-booga devil, they also don't really want to be tricked into belonging to a cult. Jesus is the imaginary friend for millions of believers. But he's imaginary, despite the constant mental programming of bible verses and phrases they repeat. And he's not good, he's quite evil.

 

I like to re-phrase Bible stories like the Garden of Eden into "If that happened today, what would you think?" "If I baked brownies and the whole house smelled like chocolate, and then I set them right in front of you and said "You can have all the broccoli and cauliflower you like, but if you eat one of these brownies I will kill you."  "If I really meant that, would I be a good mommy or a very bad mommy? Would I be honored as good and holy or locked up in prison if I killed you for disobeying me? What if I claimed to be holy and that you deserved death for disobeying me, would that make it right? This isn't a trick question. You already know the answer." 

 

Same for the "solution" of Jesus. "Ok, so you ate a brownie and I have to kill you. But to show how much I love you, instead of killing you I'll beat your brother to death so that you can be saved. All you have to do is tell me how very loving and good I am to do that, and you are saved. But don't ever question me or the deal is over. In fact, I'll take you into the back yard and burn you alive, because that's what you deserve anyway." "This is what the Bible says god is doing with Jesus. He isn't good, and he isn't god, it's just a bunch of stories turned into an imaginary friend." Things like that will help them recognize the mistake of belief in the stories. 

 

Or Noah's flood story, often sugar coated for children with cute animals popping their heads out of the boat. No corpses of millions of terrified children and their families floating in the water. 

 

Rephrased, the bible god stories show that he is an insane psychopath, someone that we'd lock up and never release. The bible stories are really old myths that are equivalent to the other stories of gods (Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Assyrian, Babylonian, Norse, Celtic, Persian, Indian, Mayan, Aztec, etc). A temperamental (mostly mental) deity that rules with an iron fist and demands blood, blesses mass rape and genocide by his chosen followers, and makes vast wonderful sounding promises of love paired with stories of magic powers for healing that never happen outside of the stories. Stories of Jesus saying and doing great miracles that nobody outside of the cult noticed and wrote about. Claims that the gospels are eyewitness testimonies, but then include conversations between people in power that they didn't witness. It's all marketing, all the time. They even state "These things were written so that you might believe" or "These things were written to convert you to a cult". 

 

I hope you find creative ways to help your children see through the comforting lies and scary threats of invisible monsters. 

 

 

[nontheistpilgrim]

Welcome By KWilde.

My conext: been together with my wife for over 60 years and served in Christian ministry in UK and oversaes. About 15 years ago, after I retired as a minister, I gave up on god, my wife remains a Christian. We have 3 children, one is a very level-headed Christian minister, one is not a Christian. Of our 6 adult grandchildren, 3 are 'in' and three are 'out' the church, none is stupidly non-thinking.

I have lost friends and have little idea how I can develop friendships outside of Christianity; I doubt that I need to worry about this. My main support is found in this Forum, not from the little I contribute but from reading the views and experiences of members. I have significantly developed my non-theism. My story is told here under the title 'watering holes on ....' dated 29/11/2019 - sorry I don't know how to link to it. You may find it interesting.

Here in UK we have several on-line second-hand book stores where you may get copies of books recommended on this Forum. You say you are into books - perhaps leave one or two in strategic places to be picked-up by family members (but keep an eye on them in case they go missing!). Reading between the lines it seems that some, at least, of your family have enquiring minds.

You have a right to help in the spiritual upbringing of your children.

Have you thought about alternative Christian holiday 'camps'? Greenbelt, I am told, is excellent and radical whilst retaining a Christian ethos (which your parents may not approve of).

I suspect that there's a good chance that your children will one day see sense - they won't be fooled for ever if they are exposed to your truth, the alternatives to dogmatism.

Do you really mean that you 'actively oppose' your husband's beliefs? What's that verse that talks about being wise as serpents and harmless as doves? Just because what your husband is doing in praying and reading with the children is divisive, suggests to me that you need to be wise/ crafty !

I trust you will see light soon at the end of your dark tunnel.

Blessings on you (don't let them steal all the good words!)

[TheRedneckProfessor]

In my experience, one of the best things a parent can do for their kids is to give up on the idea that the kids are going to turn out exactly like the parent intends.   This will save both the parent and the kid a lot of frustration and resentment.  With that said, a parent should always be active and influential in the kids' lives.  I agree you should not merely take a backseat to hubs and grandma, here.  But temper your desire to control with the knowledge that people of all flavor and stripe are going to have influence over the little ones throughout their lives.  Sometimes profoundly impactful influence.  Not always what you consider positive. 

 

Remember that you are parenting according to your own experience and opinion, as is dear old dad.  Neither of you are "right;" and, equally, nor are either of you "wrong."  This brings us to the third "P" of parenting.

 

1. Protect

2. Provide

3. Positive role model

 

In your desire to Protect the kids from what you feel is wrong, do not neglect to be a Positive role model for what you feel is right.  Ideally, neither parent should be obsessive, coercive, or manipulative.  Barring that, though, if dad is hardcore christian, mum needs to be the shining example of tolerance and open-mindedness.  The kids may not seem to respond to your words; but they will remember, and be molded by, your actions.

[KWilde]

Wow! Thankyou so much for answering and with such thoughtful words.  Just hearing from others who understand where I’m coming from is so heartwarming. 
You have all given me some good stuff to chew on.  I will probably be back with some follow-up questions.

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I am 80 years old, and In my extended family there have been 2 or 3 with "mixed" parenting.  Luckly none have  "force fed" the kids with guilt, or about what to believe, but some believers have made the kids go to church with them.  The non-believing parent just calmly tells the kids it will be up to them to make their choice about church when they are grown.  And are open to questions about their reasons for not believing.  So far it looks like slightly more of the kids eventually leave religion, or go to a more liberal church.  Most are/were members of the bible belt Church of Christ.

 

On 3/13/2022 at 8:56 AM, TheRedneckProfessor said:

In my experience, one of the best things a parent can do for their kids is to give up on the idea that the kids are going to turn out exactly like the parent intends.   This will save both the parent and the kid a lot of frustration and resentment.  With that said, a parent should always be active and influential in the kids' lives.  I agree you should not merely take a backseat to hubs and grandma, here.  But temper your desire to control with the knowledge that people of all flavor and stripe are going to have influence over the little ones throughout their lives.  Sometimes profoundly impactful influence.  Not always what you consider positive. 

 

Remember that you are parenting according to your own experience and opinion, as is dear old dad.  Neither of you are "right;" and, equally, nor are either of you "wrong."  This brings us to the third "P" of parenting.

 

1. Protect

2. Provide

3. Positive role model

 

In your desire to Protect the kids from what you feel is wrong, do not neglect to be a Positive role model for what you feel is right.  Ideally, neither parent should be obsessive, coercive, or manipulative.  Barring that, though, if dad is hardcore christian, mum needs to be the shining example of tolerance and open-mindedness.  The kids may not seem to respond to your words; but they will remember, and be molded by, your actions.

 

 

Professor, that is one of the best, most concise descriptions I have ever seen of a parents job! 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

KWilde, you are probably already aware of this, but don't let your religious differences divide you and your husband in the daily discipline of your children, or try to get them to chose sides.  That would be a bad mistake for eveyone concerned.  

 

At their ages I don't think they are destined to be on either side of the issue after grown.  I was 30 years old before some of the seeds planted earlier took root.  And my brother and I went in opposite directions religiously in life, as family had predicted.  I was the compliant child they thought would be a preacher, and he was the one they thought would wind up in prision.  He is now the religious fanatic.

 

It sounds like you, husband and family are rational people wanting to do the right thing, and if you treat each other and the children with respet, things should work out.  I just hope you don't belong to a cult that isolates the children and trys to scare the hell out of them.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

8 hours ago, Weezer said:

Luckly none have  "force fed" the kids with quilt

Is that a blanket statement?

[TABA]

Hi @KWilde!  I’m glad you signed up and posted your question here.  Between us all here, we have a lot of experience both in and out of Christianity.

 

You’ve already received some very good advice above.  I’d advise you to just be careful criticizing or ridiculing Christianity as it could well be counterproductive.  An overly-religious parent can make a child grow up to reject religion, and it can work the other way too.  So I would avoid being seen as anti-religious but instead concentrate on encouraging your kids to develop an attitude of questioning claims of all kinds, not just religious ones.  
 

It’s important that each one of us knows what we believe and don’t believe, but also WHY.  Those who will try to influence your kids toward Christianity will have to rely on faith and/or emotion rather than evidence or reason.  They will be at a disadvantage if the kids learn critical thinking skills.  
 

By all means share with your kids why you don’t believe the claims of Christianity, whenever they ask.  Just be careful not to seem like you think you’re smarter than a believer, especially their dad.  
 

You will gain a lot if you are a loving, supportive parent who just happens not to believe in Christianity.  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

15 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Is that a blanket statement?

Ha!  you had me stumped for a few minutes, until i noticed the mispell.

[☆ DarkBishop ☆]

On 3/13/2022 at 4:39 AM, KWilde said:

Part of me wonders if I should just step back and let my husband take them to anything he wants, his parents the freedom to tell them whatever they want and hope that my input will be enough to equip them to question and think things through for themselves.

 

This is a difficult situation. Sure you could do that. But I think it would only be a matter of time before you start feeling like your values are getting trampled over if your not feeling that way already. At the same time you don't want to come off as the villain in your kids eyes because they want to go to camp because its fun. 

 

I'm in a mixed religious setting right now. Me and my exwife are divorced but still trying to work things out. Its a little weird but eh. Whatever. I have one son that is atheist. He came to that conclusion on his own before I deconverted. My other son is Agnostic and doesn't believe in christianity or anything biblical. (I had a big part in that) My daughter is at a cross road. She's trying to figure out her own sexuality right now and she doesn't like what the Bible has to say about the matter. (So I talk to her now about it) I believe she will end up either not believing or being agnostic as well. I haven't withheld my current views from my children and they know they can come to me and be open with me about it. I'm sure I'll get blamed at some point if non of my children believe. If that's the case. Then we'll see what happens when we get there I guess. 

 

But more and more I hate when she wants to take my daughter to church. I don't like the lies, I don't like the religious oppression. I don't like the mind fuck it ends up being when you believe and later realize its all a myth. 

 

I want to tell you that you need to stand up for your views and start limiting how much religious influence your husband and inlaws have over that aspect of your children's life. But that could very well put you in divorce court as well. And thats not fun either. 

 

My mom has a saying: "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander." Meaning. If your husband wants to submerge your children in biblical teaching. You should get them to watch secular teachings on the matter. Bart Erhman has webinars from time to time as im sure Robert price and others as well. There are also a lot of good YouTube videos you can watch with them. When those come up, tell your husband your taking the kids (or are watching it with the kids) and see how he reacts. If he condemns you, then you can tell him that he does the same thing with them every week. And if he's going to do that then your going to do this. Maybe open his eyes a bit so he can see your not going to just let him be the only influence in your children's life concerning religion. Maybe then yall can reach a compromise. Maybe a little less religious indoctrination and a little more secular teaching. 

 

From your description I feel like they are running you over and you need to find a little more voice. 

 

I hope things work out.

 

Sincerely

Dark Bishop