Not sure but not wanting to deal with it

[Silenthoofbeats22]

Hi, new here. Found this site last night when I was looking up religious obsession. Im not sure what I believe in except for the whole Jesus story is pure BS used to control the populations. I did the Xtianity thing and found it rather disgusting.

Now for the real issue.

My husband and I met years ago and agreed, there might be a higher power but all religions are a basis to live your live good and well, basically be a good person. 

He lost his job due to some bullcrap and I picked up driving Amish as a way to pay our rent. I had a couple that wanted to go to Colorado for a wedding. I left and ended up broke down in Colorado when the transmission took a crap. It was an adventure but I finally made it home. When I got home my husband had a cross and Bible delivered. He told me he had a vision of Jebus and was now going to follow Xtianity. I was stunned but ok whatever.

Then I was diagnosed with a rare cancer, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and died four days after his diagnosis. We moved down to help my mother who had, had a massive heart attack. 

Husband was ok for a while and then things started ramping up with his religious beliefs. He's a doomsdayer. Apocalypse is coming bullcrap beliefs. Started fasting and not doing anything on his Sabbath, then started following some cult leader nutjob named Kkeck who saw signs of the impending apocalypse in American money. Husband one day announces nutjob is having a get together 1300 miles from where we live and wants to go. I didn't and didn't like the nutjob and all kinds of red flags went up when I researched the nutjob. Hubby invites two women we don't know to go without telling me. Says that they can help pay for the way as we didn't really have the money to go. I threw a fit and then showed him the information I found on nutjob. From his vampire glasses website to his criminal record which included domestic violence after he had supposedly saw the light of jebus. 

I during this time tried to show him where the book has inconsistencies and double talk in it. Then I found a religion that held my beliefs and that I didn't need to believe in God. It's not accepted by other forms of Judaism because they believe everyone is equal and should be treated the same. I don't know that I believe in God but I do like the message they have and the sense of community that it includes. Atheist and agnostics are accepted. The old rules aren't followed because they believe as we advanced with technology and science so should religion. 

My husband was supportive until he found out how liberal they are and how they don't believe much of what was written 2000 years ago is relevant to today's society but he did like the religion added with Xtianity, aka Messianic Xtianity (they call it Messianac Jewish but Jews don't believe in Jesus). 

He now no longer wants to intimate on Shabbat (friday-saturday night), a time when we are to relax and enjoy life and intimacy is allowed and encouraged if both parties agree. He wants to buy new clothes as he doesn't want to wear mixed fabric, won't eat pork or seafood, believes homosexuality is bad and transexuals are mentally and morally screwed up. I'm so tired of it and angry. I can only see us heading for divorce at this point. 

The thing is he's still good to me, it's the best relationship I've ever had. He's kind, loving, and has always been supportive. He doesn't understand my anger at his changes and my anger at his beliefs being forced on me even though he doesn't see it that way. I love him very much but can't live under the umbrella of a constructive religion that see a loving and intimate relationship as unholy. He is taking this Bible crap literally, too literally. 

I've tried to explain to him that in Judaism they believe that Torah isn't to be followed blindly but questioned.  I've tried to explain to him that the laws made by these religion were to keep people healthy and free of disease as they didn't understand bacteria, viruses, healthy food standards, etc. All I get is more talk about Jebus and nothing I say is right. He even told me God doesn't listen to prayers  of people who don't believe in Jebus.

This has all challenged my belief that there may be an almighty one. I've always believed in science. Thought he did too.

Also he is very into conspiracy theories now as well and refuses the vaccine even though my immune system is screwed up and getting covid even with being vaccinated could very well mean death from the virus, death from one of my autoimmune conditions, or possibly a reactivation of my autoimmune cancer if I get it or the flu even. 

I'm coming here for some advice, I don't know what to do, I love him but I'm not sure I can deal with the religious crap.

Thanks for reading this freaking book I wrote. 

[pantheory]

First posting, Great. Welcome to the Ex-Christ forum.  Hope you very much like it here.

 

Yeah, religious crap is really hard to take, especially from a spouse. it seems obvious that you shouldn't argue together about religion.

 

I expect you will get a lot of advice here. Many or most of us will try to help you with advice. For the time being anyway you might compromise with whatever religious beliefs you both may have in common and concentrate on them.  Since you are practicing reform Judaism, a mutual belief in God would be a good starer for mutual understandings. And I expect a non-religious marriage councilor might also be very helpful.

 

best regards and hopes

[♦ Fuego ♦]

It's difficult to get anyone to see past conspiracies once they think (and feel) that they are part of a special group with insights from a prophet (the nut case). If there were a simple way to help people find their way out, we'd be promoting that all over. For me, the break came when I finally found my charismatic preacher lying on video. I had a separate video showing that absolutely nothing happened at an event, but he embellished it for a good 20 minutes with a full-on battle against "witches". I had taken all his miracle stories at face value, so this was a real slap in the face emotionally. I found out years later that his brand of Pentecostal belief holds that if you fully believe something happened, even if it isn't there in physical reality. then it happened. Giving in to reality is giving into the devil. This is why he claims several people raised from the dead, and limbs grown back and such. It is insanity/cult-bullshit. 

 

But look around at the entrenched conspiracies in politics now, and you'll see that getting people to give up that special insider feeling isn't going to happen easily. It has to go sour enough to reject it, and to not then take up another wacky idea. 

 

 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

There's a lot to unpack here; and I have no advice to offer.  However, if I may make a suggestion, perhaps it would be helpful for the two of you to sit down and try to determine what you both want in the marriage.  If you both are open to a strong and healthy relationship, then figuring out if and how religion will help achieve that will not seem such an insurmountable obstacle. 

[Silenthoofbeats22]

Thank you for replying. Here's the thing, I don't know that I believe in a God per se, I believe in being a good person ,kindness, morals, you know all that stuff. What I don't believe is what he believes. I don't believe and refuse to believe any religion that believes in hate. 

Again I don't know that I believe in God anymore. If there was this all knowing god, how come all this horrible crap keeps happening? How come for the first time on this earth I was finally happy with someone (I'm happy on my own) and now I'm afraid I'm going to lose my husband because ya know they believe in the unequally yoked bullcrap and I don't know if I can continue to deal with it. 

He is addicted to religion I know that. He's constantly reading, or making tik toks, or chatting in messianic groups. It affects what we eat, wear, and how/when we are intimate. 

And I have tried to sit down but all I get is Jebus talk and how I should live by Jebus. Umm hell no and he can wait until I die because I don't believe in Jebus. 

I'm wondering if he's mentally ill. He does have some me tal health issues himself and it runs in his family. 

Oh and he refuses to see a therapist with me as I've already asked him. 

[Silenthoofbeats22]

21 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

There's a lot to unpack here; and I have no advice to offer.  However, if I may make a suggestion, perhaps it would be helpful for the two of you to sit down and try to determine what you both want in the marriage.  If you both are open to a strong and healthy relationship, then figuring out if and how religion will help achieve that will not seem such an insurmountable obstacle. 

That would be great except he wants me to join him in his Jebus crap and he knew from the beginning I had absolutely no interest in. 

I was under the illusion that we had a strong and healthy relationship and then this happened. I was accepting until the conspiracy and extreme religion stuff started. 

BTW I haven't convert to reform Judaism yet. I like the premise behind helping community and others. Being kind and accepting of people regardless of skin color, sexuality, gender, etc. 

[Silenthoofbeats22]

So if I ever decide to convert then I will accept it wholely for now I'm just visiting. I don't like much of the hate, violence, SA, slavery, etc etc that was accepted in the Torah so I'm not even sure it's for me. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

15 minutes ago, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

That would be great except he wants me to join him in his Jebus crap and he knew from the beginning I had absolutely no interest in. 

I guess the question then becomes, are you at this point looking for solutions or do you just need to vent and be listened to?  Our community can go either way with you; but it will help us all (yourself especially) if we're clear on the objectives. 

[Silenthoofbeats22]

11 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

I guess the question then becomes, are you at this point looking for solutions or do you just need to vent and be listened to?  Our community can go either way with you; but it will help us all (yourself especially) if we're clear on the objectives. 

Honestly, I don't know. I really think with his "vision" and some other things that have happened, he is mentally ill. He refuses therapy with me but loves me and doesn't want a divorce. 

Can two people live together in harmony is their religious opinions clash totally?

I'm losing my cool on him, on the regular because he refuses to not take his Bible so literally. I mean, are we gonna start stoning people in the streets? 

It's literally killing any positive thoughts I had on religion. 

[pantheory]

18 hours ago, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

So if I ever decide to convert then I will accept it wholely for now I'm just visiting. I don't like much of the hate, violence, SA, slavery, etc etc that was accepted in the Torah so I'm not even sure it's for me. 

 

Yeah, there's none of that now in reform Judaism. No violence,  hate. slavery, now taught as lessons for the Jews of antiquity. There's no dogma or ritual requirements in reform Judaism. Some versions of it differ greatly from other versions. Some only preach common sense behavior and a benevolent but inscrutable God. I'm a confirmed atheist for many decades now but look for the values in practicing religions, if any  can be found   And Yes, cool charity operations exist from many religions, aside from the joke of their religious teachings.

[Silenthoofbeats22]

31 minutes ago, pantheory said:

 

Yeah, there's none of that now in reform Judaism. No violence,  hate. slavery, now taught as lessons for the Jews of antiquity. There's no dogma or ritual requirements in reform Judaism. Some versions of it deffer greatly from other versions but some only preach common sense behavior and a benevolent but inscrutable God. I'm a confirmed atheist for many decades now but look for the values in practicing religions, if any  can be found   And Yes, cool charity operations exist form many religions, aside from the joke of their teachings.

See I'm not sure if there is a God or not but the Rabbi I have been working with teaches what you're saying as well as equality for all, taking care of the earth, and other such things.

I live in a very isolated area, I'm neurodivergent (aspie), and have some social anxiety so in a way making myself join and go makes me interact with others than very small and greatly reduced friends and family. I literally don't have friends I interact with physically anymore because I moved and I'm awkward as hell   My belief in God is severely tested lately as both my best friends died the same year. One two months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and the other suddenly in her bed. Plus my Dad died four days after being diagnosed with mesothelioma. I myself have been fighting Langerhans cell histiocytosis and MG. 

They recognize science completely but believe in God. I don't know. I once did a cardiac arrest things and did the whole floating above my body. The only thing I got was it's not your time, and back in my body I was. If that was just brain activity that's fine, if it was something else that's fine but it sure as hell didn't tell me if God was real or not.

[pantheory]

36 minutes ago, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

See I'm not sure if there is a God or not but the Rabbi I have been working with teaches what you're saying as well as equality for all, taking care of the earth, and other such things.

I live in a very isolated area, I'm neurodivergent (aspie), and have some social anxiety so in a way making myself join and go makes me interact with others than very small and greatly reduced friends and family. I literally don't have friends I interact with physically anymore because I moved and I'm awkward as hell   My belief in God is severely tested lately as both my best friends died the same year. One two months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and the other suddenly in her bed. Plus my Dad died four days after being diagnosed with mesothelioma. I myself have been fighting Langerhans cell histiocytosis and MG. 

They recognize science completely but believe in God. I don't know. I once did a cardiac arrest things and did the whole floating above my body. The only thing I got was it's not your time, and back in my body I was. If that was just brain activity that's fine, if it was something else that's fine but it sure as hell didn't tell me if God was real or not.

 

That's all cool, stay with it. Some types of Reform Judaism are more spiritual than others not requiring any belief in particular other than a belief in a God of some kind. This simple belief in God can be a common ground with your husband. Just let him talk, you don't have to say anything ever n response other than occasionally saying only when you have to,  " my belief in God is more spiritual and can't be understood by discussion."  Hopefully that will keep him quieter, longer    He will never have to know what you really believe which could regularly change over time. For a husband like yours, you should never say that you are an agnostic or atheist,  or that you believe in any other religion -- other than investigation reform Judaism from time to time.

[Silenthoofbeats22]

27 minutes ago, pantheory said:

 

That's all cool, stay with it. Some types of Reform Judaism are more spiritual than others not requiring any belief in particular other than a belief in a God of some kind. This simple belief in God can be a common ground with your husband. Just let him talk, you don't have to say anything in response other than occasionally saying only when you have to,  that your belief in God is more spiritual and can't be understood by discussion.  Hopefully that will keep him quieter after awhile 

No the problem is is he's literally following the Bible the literal his translation of it and it's incorrect he's picking a verse out and claiming that's the way it's supposed to be like I said I don't know that I believe in God and the more I deal with this crap the less I believe in God

[Silenthoofbeats22]

And one more thing and he's literally trying to say that intimacy is unclean or unholy or whatever the hell when in Judaism is considered the opposite especially between a married couple and I'm kind of over it. 

[pantheory]

22 minutes ago, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

No the problem is is he's literally following the Bible the literal his translation of it and it's incorrect he's picking a verse out and claiming that's the way it's supposed to be like I said I don't know that I believe in God and the more I deal with this crap the less I believe in God

 

Yeah, if he is very good to you, as you said,  then  just let him talk or do whatever. Don't talk religion with him for as long as possible. If you mention a slight interest in reform Judaism, that may be your best play if he somehow forces an explanation of some kind.

[Silenthoofbeats22]

1 hour ago, pantheory said:

 

Yeah, if he is very good to you, as you said,  then  just let him talk or do whatever. Don't talk religion with him for as long as possible. If you mention a slight interest in reform Judaism, that may be your best play if he somehow forces an explanation of some kind.

Thank you for the advice!

I do have a concern he is mentally ill. There is a reason, (studied but didn't get my degree due to severe health issues) I did study psychology in college. He has a brother who fits the dvsm of NPD, his mother has definitive mental health issues and there is definitely major conflict within the family. It's very dysfunctional. His desire to be the "perfect" Christian concerns me and as I said previously I feel like he has religious OCD (religious addiction, scrupulosity). When I tell you it's extreme, I mean it. I can give examples that would fill this page but as of tonight he agreed to therapy with me. So I'm hoping I may get some help for him there. 

Again thank you for the advice. 

[Silenthoofbeats22]

24 minutes ago, pantheory said:

 

Sorry to hear that. If he has an idea or just an inkling that he might have a psychological problem of some kind then counseling could help, a psychologist or psychiatrist.  It would also help if he is not macho and does not have a big ego. If he could confide in you that he might have a "small" problem. To him it may be small but to you a much bigger problem. Although many do, realize that not all religious zealots have psychological or mental problems.  If he doesn't have a ego or mental problem of some kind he should be able to talk calmly with you about your concerns, if you are very careful with your wordings. If not maybe you could ask him to talk with someone else of your choosing who you have already talked to regarding your concerns, maybe even a man or woman from his same church who is not a zealot, if you could find one. Otherwise if you have any friends together, you might talk them about your concerns. And if they are willing, preferably the man, ask if he would also talk to your husband about your concerns.

 

Although many or most zealots have psychological problems, few have mental problems. If your husband has psychological problems he must recognize them to get help, If has mental problems you alone or someone else would need to have him go somewhere for evaluation. Most mental problems are usually psychological. If psychological, there are tests online that might help identify the problem. Most mental problems today relate to drug taking. But if a mental problem is related to insanity that person cannot recognize reality, and very few can hold a job without there problem being recognized.

 

If you can't live with his problem, and can't manage the above possibilities, let him know that you wish to go to counseling together. It doesn't have to be marriage counseling, although that would be good also. If he has a psychological problem, the councilor should be able to identify it and refer him elsewhere if needed. If the counselor thinks he has no psychological problem then its likely a personality problem. If you can't live with it, then you have to let him know your thoughts rather than your continuous struggle, strife, and torture. If he's really that good to you otherwise, maybe you could just live with it, avoid any religious discussions as much as  possible -- and just let him rant when he needs to. But if you can't take it any longer, consider any of the above

 

best of luck

 

 

Thank you, last night he agreed to marriage counseling and I told him I felt he has an issue and needs help that only man can offer. What makes me think he's had a psychological issue is the suddenness of it including the vision though he story about when and how has changed. There was literally no inkling of it, mention nothing to just full blown Xtian and then this madness has been ramping up. It's just weird. 

[pantheory]

1 hour ago, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

Thank you, last night he agreed to marriage counseling and I told him I felt he has an issue and needs help that only man can offer. What makes me think he's had a psychological issue is the suddenness of it including the vision though he story about when and how has changed. There was literally no inkling of it, mention nothing to just full blown Xtian and then this madness has been ramping up. It's just weird. 

 

You solved my last posting's advice so I deleted it.

 

Great news. A marriage counselor can help with the issues you have together, but during this counseling you might privately mention that psychological counseling may be needed for your husband following your marriage counseling, if the marriage counselor thinks so, could he or she give a referral for him discretely following the marriage counseling, asking them to tell you privately afterwards if they would and did.

 

again, best of luck

[DOA]

On 5/15/2022 at 7:44 PM, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

So if I ever decide to convert then I will accept it wholely for now I'm just visiting. I don't like much of the hate, violence, SA, slavery, etc etc that was accepted in the Torah so I'm not even sure it's for me. 

The torah is full of stuff that makes God look more like a terrorist than a loving God.  

[DOA]

On 5/16/2022 at 12:53 PM, Silenthoofbeats22 said:

Thank you, last night he agreed to marriage counseling and I told him I felt he has an issue and needs help that only man can offer. What makes me think he's had a psychological issue is the suddenness of it including the vision though he story about when and how has changed. There was literally no inkling of it, mention nothing to just full blown Xtian and then this madness has been ramping up. It's just weird. 

In my experience, I've never found a good marriage counselor who didn't take sides. I'm sure they're out there and hope things work out for you.