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The trickster god


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"Hey Dad, what are you up to?" Jesus asked, walking into God's office.

"Oh hey Bud, just looking at the last joke I pulled off, it was a real zinger!"

"Show me, you know I love seeing you mess with them"

"Well there was this guy, Abraham, and I told him to sacrifice his son to me.  He's all crying and wailing about how unfair it is, but I just say "I am God!" and he gives in and takes his son up the mountain to kill him.  Just before he drives the knife home into his sons heart, I jumped out and said "Just pulling your leg, you don't have to kill him!".  You should have seen the look on his son's face.  Priceless!"

"Good one Dad.  You'd like the one I did, I went to them and said "the old laws are all valid, and I've come to bring a sword" then straight away "who is without sin should cast the first stone, do unto others as you want them to do unto you and love thy neighbour".  They are told to kill many people while also being told not to.  This contradictory message was just left up in the air, then for thousands of years they argued over it and never figured out they've been duped!"

"Awesome.  You'll love this, I had one of my prophets walking through a town, and when some kids laughed at his bald head he called out a curse.  Now he didn't know what was going to happen, but I sent a couple of bears to tear everyone to pieces.  There was a crowd of like a hundred people, and I reckon I got close to half of them before the rest fled.  You should have seen the look on his face!  Sobbing and saying "I just wanted them to leave me alone, I never meant for this".  It was so funny."

"Reminds me of the fig tree joke.  I came across this tree, way out of fruiting season and just go off my nut.  I'm swearing and bashing the tree, saying how dare it not give me fruit whenever I want.  Finally I just strike the tree dead.  My followers were all wide eyed and stunned, not knowing what to make of it.  I just said "Everything I do is good, so killing this stupid tree is good too!"  They couldn't figure it out but had to accept it, and the look on their faces as they tried to tie these two vastly different ideas together was epic."

"Classic.  One I'm still working on one I like to call multi-layered stupidity.  First convince them that I made everything instantly by just thinking about it..."

"Our animal design team will be mad if they hear about that"

"Eh, they won't care what the stupid humans think.  Then once I've got some believing I was the creator and not the natural processes our team actually used, then we dig the stupid a layer deeper...  convince some of them that the world is only 6000 years old..."

"Come on, no one can look at the world and think that.  I mean the fossils alone show its true age"

"Don't underestimate the humans capacity for self delusion.  If I include a part in the book talking about the first people, and how to count back to them, then a bunch of people will put 2 and 2 together to come up with 7.  Once I've got that, then the cherry on top, convince some of them that the world is flat"

"Oh come on, I know they are stupid but how can you make them fall for that?"

"Not just fall for that, but all 3.  They will believe I created it all, only a few thousand years ago and that the world is flat.  The majority of humans will mock them for their stupidity, but that will just make them dig in deeper and go all defensive" 

"That's pretty cool if you can pull that off.  I would want to say even humans aren't that stupid, but history does show they are ridiculously bad at figuring out reality"

"So how are you getting on with that Salvation scam?  I heard you were going to get yourself crucified to pull a prank?"

"Yeah, it was a doozy.  Get this, I tell them that you are really sad that you'll have to toss them into a lake of fire if they don't believe in me"

"Hang on, I thought we'd already said "You shouldn't have any gods before me", doesn't this break that?"

"Nah, I just said we are one and same, so ignore that rule and believe in me instead of god.  Two seconds flat they dropped their held beliefs and jumped ship"

"Little shits, I should flood them all again"

"Can't, remember we teleported the water away to make ice comets?"

"Damn it, that's right.  Anyway, what happened with the salvation?"

"Right, so I tell them I'm god, then get myself signed up for execution.  I tell them that I'm going to die for their sins, and even though that makes no sense from a justice perspective, they just lapped it up.  Then, get this right, I say sin is so bad that only death can atone for it, regardless of what sin.  So thinking a bad thought is as bad as genocide. So you are all going to hell unless you believe in me.  Once I've got them well and truly confused I topped it off with vague references to works both matter and don't, that there would be judgement but that its also only down to faith so there's nothing to judge and while we are all-powerful, we just can't do anything about hell being the place they will go.  They were so confused, but they wrote it all down and then promptly started fighting over whose version of that contradictory mess was right.  I just bailed and left them to it."

"They are so easy to confuse, its hilarious.  I said both "there's no power but mine" and "you should kill all witches", didn't bother to explain how witches get powers if it all comes from me, or why I'd let demons and Satan have super powers and free range if I actually gave a damn. You don't even have to justify it, they just twist and rewrite until they can hammer that square peg into the round hole."

"Or why you stick a tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden rather than on the other side of the planet, or just not have it at all?"

"Or let the serpent learn how to speak to convince them to eat of the tree.  No one questioned why I put the snake there, gave it powers or then punished it for doing what I already knew it was going to do."

"And then their children, go off an marry from nearby cities and no one raises an eyebrow to ask where the other cities came from?  Meant to be half a dozen people on the planet and they find there's a whole civilisation right down the road.  If humans weren't so funny I'd have wiped them out long ago."

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