SumQueen Posted October 25, 2022 Share Posted October 25, 2022 Hi there, first post Just for background, I am an agnostic, still involved minimally in a Greek Orthodox church, mostly for my husband's sake. I have chronic physical syndromes that keep me cautious about getting the pandemic virus and since our church provides streaming services I turn those on and go about my morning, peeking in from time to time. I came from a traumatic upbringing, church was mostly for getting rid of the kids on Sunday morning. Due to the trauma I needed something to cling to, someone to love me and not hurt me so I turned to Jesus. This was ok for a time but as we aged I brought us into more conservative fundamentalist influences through home schooling. I think if I hadn't been so influenced by fearmongerers we wouldn't have gone down this horrible path. My husband started out much more moderately than I. He was zealous in a nice way if that makes sense but I was so full of fear and trauma that I was easily sucked into the" protect your children at all costs" mentality. As my health degraded we considered other school choices but nothing seemed as protective as home so my kids read a lot, did some math and went to homeschool classes at a resource center. I worked part time as they got older and took them to work with me (library). They remember their childhood negatively. Although we did a lot of fun and loving things together we (I) were very restrictive in what they could participate in and they resented it. All this to address your wife's situation. If my husband had told me 20 years ago that he was having doubts I would have talked him around and brought him to our pastor. I am faster witted (He is a math guy, engineer, smart in a different way) than my husband and grew up arguing. We did a lot of things my way, even as I was wanting him to "head" our household. I tried holding back but by the time I got around to this I had already indoctrinated him to the overprotective lifestyle. It sounds like your wife is indoctrinated and fear is keeping her in this church. I have a few suggestions. Be loving but when decisions about upbringing come up, be a voice of gentle reason. Don't contradict her in front of the kids but kindly suggest other methods than spanking, or writing out bible verses. Talk about this away from the kids. Read a book on child development or take class together. There are some good youtube resources too. I was amazed at how much info there is and knowing how kids developing brains work helps understand behavior. (e.g. tantrums are not willfulness, they are lack of communication skills + frustration or fatigue) Encourage her to do things outside the church and home. Stay with the kids while she takes a hobby class. If she makes friends outside her cultural bubble she will start to see things from other perspectives. If she likes to read, encourage her to get involved with a secular book club at the library. Don't mention the secular part in any of this, just gently encourage her outside interests. The more she learns about other cultures and viewpoints, the more open she will become. This is long game stuff. I don't advocate for cold turkey church break-ups when a relationship this important is on the line. Learn to deflect questions about your faith and your lifestyle. Get the questions in first or smile and ask a kind question instead of answering. Get people talking about things outside of church - their jobs, their hobbies, the weather, the TV show (if anyone owns a TV, we did not), NOT the state of the world, that leads down a rough path. Take a communication seminar together, something like a Gottman Institute thing. Heck, even Marriage Encounter would be helpful. If there is someone you know that is a really nice secular person with a family, ask your wife if you can ask them over or to a get together in an open air place (corn maze? pumpkin patch? Park? Ballgame?) She needs to be gently disengaged. Bart Ehrman's books or youtube videos on bible history are enlightening and interesting (although when his voice becomes strident it goes right up my spine, I hate it). I know to some this sounds passive but think of it as a strategy instead of an emergency. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted October 25, 2022 Share Posted October 25, 2022 On 10/24/2022 at 11:42 AM, nontheistpilgrim said: Anyone remember the dampness between the legs during the Toronto Blessing days? I've also observed it in pentecostal churches. At least there were large towels available to cover bodies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SumQueen Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 Hey I found Valerie Talico - a former fundy - on her website (she has books) and on youtube. She has a video titled "Losing Your Religion, Keeping Your Spouse" that might be encouraging. (I was listening but my adhd got in the way and I am here instead - on my way back to it!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SumQueen Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 Just now, SumQueen said: Hey I found Valerie Talico - a former fundy - on her website (she has books) and on youtube. She has a video titled "Losing Your Religion, Keeping Your Spouse" that might be encouraging. (I was listening but my adhd got in the way and I am here instead - on my way back to it!) TARICO, Valerie Tarico dot com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 On 10/24/2022 at 9:42 AM, nontheistpilgrim said: Anyone remember the dampness between the legs during the Toronto Blessing days? I've also observed it in pentecostal churches. At least there were large towels available to cover bodies. I always heard them referred to as "modesty cloths" to cover the genital region, sometimes breasts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 That never happened in my church. I feel cheated. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted October 27, 2022 Super Moderator Share Posted October 27, 2022 2 hours ago, RankStranger said: That never happened in my church. I feel cheated. Happened a lot in my church. Unfortunately, most of the women who went down were not the ones up whose skirt you'd want to look in the first place. So the modesty cloth really didn't serve much of a purpose. Oddly enough, they used one even if the woman was wearing pants... but not on men, even if they were going commando in gym shorts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 Meh, I'll be the judge of that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted October 27, 2022 Super Moderator Share Posted October 27, 2022 54 minutes ago, RankStranger said: Meh, I'll be the judge of that If judging men going commando in gym shorts is your thing, go for it! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nontheistpilgrim Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 On 10/27/2022 at 6:29 PM, TheRedneckProfessor said: Happened a lot in my church. Unfortunately, most of the women who went down were not the ones up whose skirt you'd want to look in the first place. So the modesty cloth really didn't serve much of a purpose. Oddly enough, they used one even if the woman was wearing pants... but not on men, even if they were going commando in gym shorts. Since there appears to be some interest in the subject! You do realise what was ging on? I linked to 'sexual fulfillment': the outward manifestation of the inner excitement was accompanied by vigorous activity (on the floor). For those who haven't had the pleasure (of observing the phenomenon) suitable noises also were heard (barking in the Toronto Blessing, 'trumping' in pentecostal churches). Those were the days. Such goings on were in small part a reason for my leaving the fold. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 This makes me want to visit a Pentecostal church. It's bound to be entertaining Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
☆ DarkBishop ☆ Posted November 7, 2022 Share Posted November 7, 2022 On 11/4/2022 at 4:16 PM, RankStranger said: This makes me want to visit a Pentecostal church. It's bound to be entertaining Pretty sure that one guy with the glasses n cowboy hat was drunk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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