After death, which religion offers the best deal?

[older]

Hi friends. Here is a great piece in The Guardian wherein readers answer the question, "When I die which religion will offer the best deal?" Many of the answers are from atheists, and some are worth a chuckle. One respondent quoted Stephen Hawking saying, "Heaven is a fairy story for people who are afraid of the dark."

 

Another named ChairmanMouthwash writes, "I don’t particularly fancy reincarnation, I mean, who wants to come back as a tin of condensed milk?"

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/oct/09/readers-reply-when-i-die-which-religion-will-offer-the-best-deal?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Yep, there are some interesting replies.  I could identify with the one who wasn't excited about spending eternity with his relatives.  

 

I like the one I heard about a few years back.  Heaven will be anything you want it to be.

[Samuel]

I am so curious about common people practicing Hinduism in India. Do people

really think in archetype ways, like there are always standard sorts of people who circulate through existence endlessly. I find it such an effective heuristic that relieves your mind of a lot of thinking, if also one that possibly robs you of seeing the breath taking uniqueness of each person and object.

 

There is the Hinduism of the text book, but what is the Hinduism of the people… tell

me internet!

[pantheory]

On 10/9/2022 at 7:18 PM, older said:

Hi friends. Here is a great piece in The Guardian wherein readers answer the question, "When I die which religion will offer the best deal?" Many of the answers are from atheists, and some are worth a chuckle. One respondent quoted Stephen Hawking saying, "Heaven is a fairy story for people who are afraid of the dark."

 

Another named ChairmanMouthwash writes, "I don’t particularly fancy reincarnation, I mean, who wants to come back as a tin of condensed milk?"

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/oct/09/readers-reply-when-i-die-which-religion-will-offer-the-best-deal?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

"When I die which religion will offer the best deal?"

 

Howdy again older,

 

The answer to this question is obvious, right? The 72 Virgins offered by some sects of the Moslem religion concerning death during Jihad (holy war). allahu akbar (God is great) -- such as the suicide deaths of the nine-eleven pilots for the greater good

 

 

[RankStranger]

72 virgins sounds like a good deal... but what do we know about these virgins?  Might want to get some details in writing before you end up with 72 pissed off Incels 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

33 minutes ago, RankStranger said:

72 virgins sounds like a good deal

I never understood the appeal of the 72 virgin thing.  Granted, I've broke a cherry or two in my day; but after the first time, it's just sex (not that that is a bad thing).  And, if they represent your personal reward in heaven, well, the virgin status of all 72 will probably be altered fairly quickly; and then you're stuck for all eternity having just plain ol' sex with the same 72 people (again, not necessarily a bad thing).  Perhaps if they were all somehow magically perpetual virgins from everlasting to everlasting, I could see the allure; but 72 "first time experiences" in light of eternity--everlasting, never ending eternity--seems somewhat small and insignificant.

[RankStranger]

Meh.  Everybody was a virgin at some point.

[pantheory]

5 hours ago, RankStranger said:

72 virgins sounds like a good deal... but what do we know about these virgins?  Might want to get some details in writing before you end up with 72 pissed off Incels 

 

I hear they're all between 9 and 13 years old and never age beyond 16 years, and none are fat. Sounds good? But they're only virgin the first time, but you are their only man and no lesbos allowed unless you permit it, OK?

[RankStranger]

Sure, I'll put 'em to work.  They can build me a pyramid 

[pantheory]

1 hour ago, RankStranger said:

Sure, I'll put 'em to work.  They can build me a pyramid 

 

Great idea. They will have an eternity to do it

[walterpthefirst]

The subject of these 72 virgins has stimulated some debate between the radical and the moderate Muslims over here.  The mosque at Finsbury Park in London was once a hotbed of extreme Islam teaching.  One of the more notorious teachers was the Imam Abu Hamza.  

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abu_Hamza_al-Masri

 

Police kept a careful watch on his activities and videotaped some of his open air addresses to crowds.  These later formed part of the evidence base that lead to his conviction.  Apparently he was on record as claiming that in Paradise all Muslim men will be endowed with 'everlasting' erections and the stamina of a hundred Earthly men, so as to fully enjoy what Allah had prepared for them.  I.e., 72 virgins for each man.  I believe he also said that after each sex act these women would magically become virgins again so that their 'purity' could be enjoyed all over again.

 

Representatives of the Muslim Council of Britain went on radio and television to challenge Hamza's extremist views, saying that the Muslim heaven wasn't a whorehouse but a place of perfect innocence. 

 

Thank you,

 

Walter.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

3 hours ago, walterpthefirst said:

in Paradise all Muslim men will be endowed with 'everlasting' erections

That will make a vas deferens in how they urinate. 

[pantheory]

4 hours ago, walterpthefirst said:

The subject of these 72 virgins has stimulated some debate between the radical and the moderate Muslims over here.  The mosque at Finsbury Park in London was once a hotbed of extreme Islam teaching.  One of the more notorious teachers was the Imam Abu Hamza.  

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abu_Hamza_al-Masri

 

Police kept a careful watch on his activities and videotaped some of his open air addresses to crowds.  These later formed part of the evidence base that lead to his conviction.  Apparently he was on record as claiming that in Paradise all Muslim men will be endowed with 'everlasting' erections and the stamina of a hundred Earthly men, so as to fully enjoy what Allah had prepared for them.  I.e., 72 virgins for each man.  I believe he also said that after each sex act these women would magically become virgins again so that their 'purity' could be enjoyed all over again.

 

Representatives of the Muslim Council of Britain went on radio and television to challenge Hamza's extremist views, saying that the Muslim heaven wasn't a whorehouse but a place of perfect innocence. 

 

Thank you,

 

Walter.

 

"I believe he also said that after each sex act these women would magically become virgins again so that their 'purity' could be enjoyed all over again."

 

I believe you're right but I don't believe in magic. In my version of the story the girls ages start at ages 9-13,  and none ever age past 16 years, but are only virgins once. So I must accept this concerning my own quest for eternity.  Maybe you should save popping the last few cherries each every billion years of so, right? Before then they could shine your shoes and help the other girls with domestic chores.

[walterpthefirst]

Ok, I can see the funny/weird/yucky sides of this 72 virgins story.

 

(Tips hat to the Prof for an excellent use of logic in the service of humour.  )

 

But the extremist teachings of Hamza and others haven't gone away - they've only gone underground. 

 

Prisons in the UK are now one of the main problem areas of the religious radicalization of young men.   Extreme versions of Islam offer many things to the disaffected young criminals who come from broken homes and/or dysfunctional family backgrounds.  An extremist Muslim inmate can set themselves up as an Imam and become a kind of surrogate father figure to the youngsters who's biological fathers were often absent or abusive.  Teachings about Jihad offer a sense of purpose where lack of purpose was the norm.  These Imams sometimes take it upon themselves to teach other inmates to read and write, making up for failures in the education system.  The ulterior motive for this isn't a generous or altruistic one, however.  Once able to read these inmates are encouraged to read, learn and memorize the Quran.  All the better to indoctrinate and shape the minds of future extremists.

 

The 72 virgins story does play a part in this.  What better way of making Paradise appealing to young men than to populate it with the very thing they have no access to in prison?  The very thing that their teenage hormones cause them to fantasize about?   For a horny and sexually-frustrated young man what could be better than having unlimited opportunity and inexhaustible ability conferred upon you by god as a reward for killing unbelievers?

 

The calculated cynicism involved in using sex to groom these young men is just... evil.

 

 

Thank you,

 

Walter.

[older]

Virgin or not, that's 72 cases of PMS. No thank you.

[Wertbag]

The church of the flying spaghetti monster has beer volcanoes, stripper factories and all the pasta you can eat.  That sounds pretty good to me. 

[older]

2 hours ago, Wertbag said:

The church of the flying spaghetti monster has beer volcanoes, stripper factories and all the pasta you can eat.  That sounds pretty good to me. 

Hm. Beer, pizza and a TV remote in which the batteries never die and that never gets lost. Now that might be something to consider. And, of course, it would have to be hangover free.

[pantheory]

On 10/16/2022 at 10:08 AM, older said:

Virgin or not, that's 72 cases of PMS. No thank you.

 

PMS or misbehavior of any kind is not allowed for Moslem women or else they get the strap. They must always mind, obey, and bend to your will as their master and only lover. They have no other choice. Each must bow and come to your bed as often as you demand.

[pantheory]

On 10/23/2022 at 2:10 AM, older said:

Hm. Beer, pizza and a TV remote in which the batteries never die and that never gets lost. Now that might be something to consider. And, of course, it would have to be hangover free.

 

That sounds like a fantastic idea but you might have to negotiate those terms with Allah first before you agree to any suicide bombing.  
Especially the no-hangover part would be super great. If Allah agrees with your terms then you're in, but you still have to manage the 72 virgins. That should be easy in the beginning since the oldest would only be 13, and none would age beyond 16.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I never saw the attractions to virgins, even when younger.  Give me an experienced woman who knows how to please a man!

[Dearnear]

On 10/16/2022 at 10:25 AM, walterpthefirst said:

 

  Apparently he was on record as claiming that in Paradise all Muslim men will be endowed with 'everlasting' erections and the stamina of a hundred Earthly men, so as to fully enjoy what Allah had prepared for them.  I.e., 72 virgins for each man.  I believe he also said that after each sex act these women would magically become virgins again so that their 'purity' could be enjoyed all over again.

 

When women become virgins, do their mind and memory get erased and newly set up? If they remember all and do sex acts over and over, how can they be virgins? 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

20 minutes ago, Dearnear said:

When women become virgins, do their mind and memory get erased and newly set up? If they remember all and do sex acts over and over, how can they be virgins? 

jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with the Prof thy Mod all things are possible.”  

 

II Redneckians 19:26

[DOA]

You don't have your best deal until you have an abu bakr al-baghdadi deal.  A mansion with up to 70 virgins in paradise in each bedroom - how can you go wrong?

 

The number of virgins one gets is dependent upon the magnitude of the atrocity they commit.

 

 

[Myrkhoos]

Well, any place without pain is fine by me. And bliss. That was the Christian idea at least.