My Deconversion Story

[FriedVillageGuts]

A Naked Sight

 

I loved you, I really did.

You were the overtone of my every thought. I could not escape you nor did I want to.

True, others did not understand why I loved you so.

They only saw the scars you inflicted - but all I saw was what you could be.

So I endured.

And I loved you more.

 

I always wanted what was best for you and would have done anything for you.

Even when you told me to leave I did the dishes so you wouldn't have to.

 

For a long time I wandered the streets thinking of you... loving you through my pain.

Then one day I let my veil of love slip from my eyes and I saw you naked. I saw the truth.

 

You were cruel beyond belief.

You were nothing of what I saw in you... before.

Your fingerprints were all over my soul,

so I had to throw it out.

 

So now I wander the streets minus my soul

yet am somehow less tormented but more troubled at the same time.

I must grow a new soul on my own and fill it with meaning apart from you.

It is like learning to walk again.

I am shaky, fragile - but free and growing.

 

Then you called me up the other day. Said you just wanted to say thanks for all I had done for you. Maybe get together for coffee again.

 

How the hole from my old soul ached and longed for you.

It burned with a pain I hadn't felt since leaving you.

But I still can see through you to your soul.

Your pain and confusion will lash out again... I know.

But it will not be at me.

 

 

A little over 2 years ago I was the senior pastor of a Mennonite congregation of 150 people, today I am an agnostic working at developing a sense of meaning apart from religion. The church used to be my first love, above even that of my wife and kids. Its successes and failures were my successes and failures, but in the end it was the church that sent me packing and began my journey to where I find myself today.

 

My journey toward the pastorate began with a thorough grounding in conservative Christianity in a family and a tradition where even dancing and alcohol was frowned upon. But I took it as my own at an early age, responding to one ofthe alter calls at a crusade. I went on to become the Christian Life Committee chair at the Christian high school I went to and then on to a year of voluntary service after graduation (I should note that this was a year of actual service to an inner city community, not some evangelical missionary program which gave me a good grounding in the concept of social justice). Eventually I went to a Christian college and earned a Bachelor of Theology degree which, after several years, led to an associate pastoral position that turned into a senoir pastor position after 2 years.

 

I had a very definite sense of being led by God to that place and time, with some events that I interpretted as supernatural intervention and which, honestly, I still don't quite know what to make of. But the church that I had taken on was racked with problems that were rooted in events decades earlier. Ultimately I was too inexperienced, too young and perhaps too bold to be the solution to their problems. I ended up offending some very influential people in the church which made me a political target. Easter Sunday 2004 I preached my last sermon having been asked to resign earlier in the week (I and others have often reflected that a finish on Good Friday might have been more appropriate).

 

What I didn't understand at the time was that my Christian faith was very church centred. Take out that pin, which my firing definitely did, and all of my life's constructs began to fall apart. I first began to question the church's stance on homosexuality, then the historicity of Jesus and everything associated with that. I read questionable books, asked heretical questions and journalled my thoughts furiously.

 

I tried to re-invent my faith from a mythical approach, but then it was just one myth to live by among many that could be chosen and so that approach seemed to lack fulfilment. Sitting in church one Sunday I realized that I simply didn't believe in the story anymore. It has taken nearly a year since that realization to become comfortable with my deconversion but I am getting there.

 

Since I had been a very public figure in the church I decided to make my deconversion public as well. As a way of bringing closure to my very hurtful firing from the church (the church apologized for the way it was handled) I, in conjunction with the interim pastors at my former church, brought together a group of people from the church whom I felt I could trust and had been close to. There in the presence of my former congregants I shared the story of my decoversion, renounced my calling as a pastor and was released by them to move forward in whatever direction I needed to go in. Though my pastorate had been very painful, that experience at least, was very releasing and healing.

 

So I move forward from here as an agnostic, trying to understand the world from a new point of view. I live day to day with more uncertainty than I was used to but knowing that I am my own person now. My decisions and actions are mine to own and enjoy. We'll see where this goes...

[Taphophilia]

Hi Ex-Pastor,

 

Welcome to the forums.

 

I saw you on last night and wondered when you would post. What a story! I had always thought of Mennonite as being very works based rather than being faith based and that it was not only a faith but a way of life.

 

There is lots of information here. Ask us any questions you have and we welcome your opinoins in the discussions. Just jump right in.

 

Do you still live in the community? How did your wife take your deconverstion?

 

Taph

[Evelyn]

Wow, that is quite a story! I'm glad the church group handled your deconversion, to me, nicely.

 

Welcome to Ex-C! There are several former pastors who are members here, as well as others who went to seminary or bible college and deconverted while there.

[pandora]

Welcome!

 

I am interested to hear more about your experience as an ex-Mennonite.

 

I know someone who is ex-Mennonite, and I am just curious about what it's like. I've heard him talk of "worldly" things and he still dresses very simply (but, he's a guy... so I dunno...). He keeps a farm with his wife. I think it's so cool. How has your Mennonite background influenced the way you live now?

[FriedVillageGuts]

Thanks for the welcome! I've been lurking for a couple of months and figured it was time to start posting. I would really be interested in finding some of those other former pastors on this site and hearing their stories.

 

Pandora & Taph asked about the Mennonite background. First off, there are almost as many brands of Mennonite as there are ants at a picnic - some of them extremely conservative (some still driving horse & buggy since they drew their line in the sand against being part of the world at driving vehicles) and others quite liberal. I came from somewhere left of centre in that spectrum (which was still fairly conservative) but went to a fairly liberal college. The church I pastored was relatively liberal but had a large group influenced by the whole evangelical movement (the church as a whole was dysfunctional and schizophrenic so describing it would be a whole different post).

 

Anyway, I suppose the things that differentiated Mennonites within the Christian stream are adult baptism and fairly prevalent community and social justice imperatives built into their theology. The latter is where the reputation for a works based religion comes from - agencies like Mennonite Central Committee and Mennonite Disaster Service are some of the institutional expressions of this and generally function quite well because service to others (often without the need to evangelize) is part of what it means to be Christian for them. Beyond that for those of us who were on the more liberal end, you wouldn't notice a lot of outward differences. Ah, I don't feel like I'm giving a good description at all (too late for me I guess) - so here's a link if you're interested - www.thirdway.com

 

As for how my wife took it, well, we talk about everything so she saw me changing as I dealt with the whole fiasco. She also wasn't as conservative as I was in the first place so it hasn't been too big of a jump though it has stretched her somewhat. We've compromised when it comes to our 2 boys who she still wants to take to church. I drop them off and go for coffee (-8 and occasionally attend a service with them (now and then I pop by the Unitarian church too).

 

I just remembered a great piece of symbolism I forgot in my story. Shortly after I had come to peace with the fact that I had deconverted I decided that I wouldn't take communion on the occasions I went to church with my family, but I hadn't told my wife that yet. Sure enough, communion was offered and as the plate came along the pews, my wife whispered to me - "I think that's flax bread today" - something which I am highly allergic to. The bread of life had literally become death bread. I had a good chuckle over that one.

[kevin]

Hi Ex-Pastor.

I applaud your courage, and how dignified you have handled yourself. I hope this will be a time of healing for you, and a chance to re-examine the world for what it is. It's still a wonderful feeling to be able to say "I don't know" when bombarded with questions from christians who believe they have all the answers. I see it in their eyes as I'm saying it since deep inside, they know that is the most truthful answer to many of life's mysteries. I wish you all the best in your new found life!

 

Kevin:

[Ouroboros]

Welcome Ex-Pastor!

 

I hope we'll see more posts from you!

[pandora]

Ah, I think the person I know is from a more liberal background, too. It's just that he still seems very simple and he isn't impressed by superficial things. I think it's cool.

 

He has said that he doesn't want to tell his family, but he thinks they know.

 

He went to Goshen college (a Mennonite college in Indiana) and to Princeton seminary. I am not sure where he lost his faith, but now he's a religion professor. Ironic, huh? His story is somewhat similar to yours... he went to a friend's committment ceremony and the congregation kicked him out and won't allow him to attend anymore, and it was a more liberal church. I don't know if he was in a position of leadership or not, but that was the final straw (or the first straw, I'm not sure) for him.

 

I find deconversion stories fascinating. The diversity in our experiences, but also their similarities, help me deal with my own deconversion. Plus, liberal Mennonite-ism is something that I might have converted to if I had stayed Christian... I wanted something different, so you can understand my fascination with it.

[Lorena Rodriguez]

I would love to put my hands on your deconversion journal. Any dreams of making it into a book some day?

 

Welcome to our niche. This is a great place.

[Material_Miser_Joe]

Fascinating story, Ex-Pastor. I am one as well. You can be assured that time and re-identification will be at work in you, building another identity and becoming increasingly more comfortable with a godless worldview. At least now you can rejoice in the fact that you chose self-honesty over anything else!

 

Welcome!

 

(JH)

[Curtdude]

Interesting post, ExPastor. And welcome!

 

Look forward to reading more from you.

 

Hey, are the Grace Brethren related somehow to the Mennonites? Just curious, since I used to go to a GB church years ago and found it really close to the Conservative Baptist church I was brought up in. They used to mention all the time about some mennonite connection, but I never learned about the historical relationship.

[FriedVillageGuts]

Curtdude - I'm not sure if Grace Brethren is related to Mennonites - sounds like a familiar name but I couldn't say without digging up the old college textbooks (way buried in my constantly under construction basement).

 

Lorena - no book, but working on a website - hopefully ready in a few weeks (or months... hmm, hopefully not decades).

 

Material_Miser_Joe - Followed your link - you have quite the story too. It would be interesting to talk more.

[Curtdude]

Curtdude - I'm not sure if Grace Brethren is related to Mennonites - sounds like a familiar name but I couldn't say without digging up the old college textbooks (way buried in my constantly under construction basement)....

 

 

Don't sweat it...no biggie. Anyways, welcome to seeing things as they are, not as we wish/hope them to be.

[Llwellyn]

Good Job!

[R. S. Martin]

Resurrecting a two-year-old thread here. Ex-Pastor posted 2 Years of Freedom and Counting so I looked up this thread. I figured others might be interested in the story, too.

 

Ex-Pastor, I'm from a horse and buggy community. My story is here. As part of my deconversion I left that community for what I call the modern Mennonites. That's what you would have been. I was with them for several years--long enough to take on a sort of identity so that I think I know a little bit what it means to be Mennonite in the general sense. The way you describe Mennonite resonates with my exposure to Mennonite Church of Canada, or whatever they're called these days. MCEC--Mennonite Church of Eastern Canada is what it was called in this part of the country when I first attended but I think it changed later.

 

My "official" deconversion was about Sept. 2006, but I haven't been to church regularly in five years or more, and I left the horse and buggy community in 1999.

[chefranden]

Thanks for the welcome! I've been lurking for a couple of months and figured it was time to start posting. I would really be interested in finding some of those other former pastors on this site and hearing their stories.

 

Welcome EX, I'm one of those other Exs out of the Church of Christ. Getting fired from the pulpit set me on the ski slope to freedom too. I got fired for calling on Women to pray in the assembly. That turned out to be not enough silence from the gentler sex. Oddly enough it was other women that led the complaining faction.

[Legion]

Ex-pastor, I know that it's been a while since you posted this. But I think it was excellent.

 

I hope you will post more often when the mood strikes you.

[R. S. Martin]

Thanks for the welcome! I've been lurking for a couple of months and figured it was time to start posting. I would really be interested in finding some of those other former pastors on this site and hearing their stories.

 

Welcome EX, I'm one of those other Exs out of the Church of Christ. Getting fired from the pulpit set me on the ski slope to freedom too. I got fired for calling on Women to pray in the assembly. That turned out to be not enough silence from the gentler sex. Oddly enough it was other women that led the complaining faction.

 

 

Had a conversation with someone earlier this evening. He talked about how all the wars have been started by men. I thought there was something wrong with that statement, that maybe he just didn't know how fundy ladies can rule the church.

 

I'm thinking now that perhaps the reason fundy ladies rule the church is that it's the highest sphere they can influence. The men won't let the ladies into top positions, despite all the talk. And the lesser ladies (who haven't what it takes to get to the top) are their independent and innovative sisters' greatest enemies. As you experienced they will attack the advocate if they can.

 

Chef, I had no idea that you'd ever been in the pulpit. Surprising the things we don't know, the hidden pains we bravely bear.

[chefranden]

Chef, I had no idea that you'd ever been in the pulpit. Surprising the things we don't know, the hidden pains we bravely bear.

 

Ya, I've always been a 'tard when it comes to doing things. If you're going to do something do it to the n-thest degree possible. I don't do like that so much any more though. Too old and tired.