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Fear Of Wealth Disappears With New Bible

Queer Texan

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WASHINGTON – With wealth accumulation on the rise for American families finding themselves in the upper middle-class and beyond, many have often thought that their fortunes were a product of their faith, especially since the rise in popularity of books teaching those theories, such as The Prayer of Jabez.


However, many Christians among this elite class have secretly worried that their financial status was in direct violation of Christ’s teachings – especially with his teachings on how to treat the poor and the homeless. John Eglesmert, a financial advisor in Plano, TX, says about his beliefs, “You know, here in America, we’re always taught that you’re supposed to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps – not to rely on everybody else to help you out. But, in the Bible – it’s there plain as day – it says when the poor man asks for your coat, you give him your overcoat as well. I’ve always wondered about that difference – how much can you get before you have to give back, and how much exactly you have to give back in order to stay righteous.”


The Republican Organization for Biblical Godliness Over Deception hopes to correct those misperceptions among the gilded class and the ambitious. Andy Criss, President of ROBGOD, Inc. says that those beliefs are actually a result of mistranslations of ancient texts by Roman theocrats eager to please the lower classes when the Empire was converting from paganism to Christianity about 1800 years ago. Criss says the conspiracy to make Christ preach a gospel of laziness and sloth was further perpetuated by the English Church by making the first English version more appealing to the masses just learning to read the words of their faith for the first time.


“It’s really amazing,” Criss says. “If you read the King James Version especially, it makes Jesus out to be some kind of anarcho-communist revolutionary – in line with Che Guevara or Joseph Stalin. Don’t want to work for a living, you simply go ask a rich man for a hand-out – and if he doesn’t give it to you, he’ll burn for all eternity.”


To quell the confusion, ROBGOD has finally put the finishing touches on their new Entrepreneurial Bible, the Real Version of Christ’s Ministry. This stand-alone reinterpretation of the New Testament seeks to correctly interpret the meaning of Christ’s life and death without the blur of historical political influences, says Criss. Though Criss would not reveal how the interpretation occurred – since all of the original documents that make up the New Testament were long destroyed by time – he says a good deal can be “filtered” though a correct understanding of Christian history, “and through a lot of prayer!” he said laughingly.


Critics are calling this blasphemy, and even some tepid supporters would have preferred for ROBGOD to put out a study-guide to use along side more popular versions of the Bible. Criss counters by saying, “Most people simply take what the Good Book says as gospel truth, and a correct understanding of biblical politics says those assumptions are false! The Bible’s been interpreted before – this is just its most correct version to date.”


The new Entrepreneurial Bible has already started receiving rave reviews from well-to-do critics, such as Cora Prett-Swuine of New Industrialists magazine and Noah Middle from Global One Weekly. Prett-Swuine describes the five-year effort to re-envision the ancient texts as an “important trek to divine truth” while Middle calls it “the best thing to hit Christianity since the offering plate.”


Supporters and foes alike seem to enjoy reading the new work, regardless of how it affects their faith. From the Good Samaritan teaching the fallen traveler to find his own way back to the road, to the re-structured Beatitudes (“Blessed are the Bountiful”) — these new takes on familiar passages are shocking quite a few. Nothing is more controversial than how it ends for the Resurrected Savior – instead of dying on a cross, the new Entrepreneurial Bible has Christ giving one more sermon, instructing sinners to “save themselves from their own sins” before ascending to Heaven on a golden horse.


Other gems from the newly interpreted canon:


- “The Lord is my teacher; I shall not ask for something for nothing.” (the 23rd Psalm)

- “Knock, and I will slip the key under the door, and you can open it yourself.”

- “Don’t give us our daily bread freely — help us to earn it without entitlements in a free-market society, unless we weren’t born there, then of course, help us to create such a society where we can earn said bread in our own country instead of illegally entering other free-market societies – unless such immigration is actually helpful for the free-market society needing cheaper labor due to satanic labor unions and homosexual marriages.” (the Teacher’s Prayer)


(originally from my blog)

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