Am I An Asshole?

[Guest Shiva H. Vishnu]

My Dad has always told us he loved us but it never really meant anything. He did his thing, which was paramount, and seemed to think he'd get to see his kids' lives in a movie someday. To this day, every year or so, my sister and I have a "moment" with our father on father's day or his birthday where he get's a little teary eyed and admits he might not have been the best father, and my sister and I, being the helpless father approval wanting fawns that we are, we cry because he cries, and we tell him he was a great father and for a brief moment that makes up for the fact that the rest of the year he's gonna think a couple of retarded email forwards constitute a relationship.

 

He doesn't know us at all.

[jjacksonRIAB]

My Dad has always told us he loved us but it never really meant anything. He did his thing, which was paramount, and seemed to think he'd get to see his kids' lives in a movie someday. To this day, every year or so, my sister and I have a "moment" with our father on father's day or his birthday where he get's a little teary eyed and admits he might not have been the best father, and my sister and I, being the helpless father approval wanting fawns that we are, we cry because he cries, and we tell him he was a great father and for a brief moment that makes up for the fact that the rest of the year he's gonna think a couple of retarded email forwards constitute a relationship.

 

He doesn't know us at all.

 

That's almost worse than nothing at all. After reading Fwee's post and yours, I wonder how common this is for children of fundie fathers.

[Fweethawt]

After reading Fwee's post and yours, I wonder how common this is for children of fundie fathers.

Don't take my line the wrong way now.

 

My dad may not have been a fundy while I was a kid, but he was an abusive prick. Physical and psychological all of the time.

 

He just never had the need to bring religion into it. That's all.

 

 

Thank God!

[Guest Shiva H. Vishnu]

My Dad has always told us he loved us but it never really meant anything. He did his thing, which was paramount, and seemed to think he'd get to see his kids' lives in a movie someday. To this day, every year or so, my sister and I have a "moment" with our father on father's day or his birthday where he get's a little teary eyed and admits he might not have been the best father, and my sister and I, being the helpless father approval wanting fawns that we are, we cry because he cries, and we tell him he was a great father and for a brief moment that makes up for the fact that the rest of the year he's gonna think a couple of retarded email forwards constitute a relationship.

 

He doesn't know us at all.

 

That's almost worse than nothing at all. After reading Fwee's post and yours, I wonder how common this is for children of fundie fathers.

 

 

I imagine there are alot of fundy fathers who love the hell out of their children and enjoy being fathers. Not my dad. He seems to have chosen the religious life, the missionary life, because it was easier and he didn't have the fortitude to discern what was really the right thing. As long as he loved god more than anything, anything he did was righteous, even to the extreme neglect of his own family. The ultimate slacker excuse.

 

I can't judge because I am my father's son, but I'm not having any kids anytime soon.

[Fweethawt]

I can't judge because I am my father's son, but I'm not having any kids anytime soon.

Out of us three boys, those on the outside have complimented me on how much unlike my father I am, and how well I treat my kids. They also compliment on the behavior of my kids. (they're freakishly good kids. I don't know what the fuck happened)

 

Back when we were younger, I remember my oldest brother telling me that he would never be like my dad when he grew up. To see him now, and how he treats his wife and kids, you wouldn't be able to tell him and my father apart if it wasn't for hair length.

 

I, however, made one of those silent to-yourself kind of vows to never be like my dad. So far, it has been working.

 

*knock-knock-knock*

[jjacksonRIAB]

I imagine there are alot of fundy fathers who love the hell out of their children and enjoy being fathers. Not my dad. He seems to have chosen the religious life, the missionary life, because it was easier and he didn't have the fortitude to discern what was really the right thing. As long as he loved god more than anything, anything he did was righteous, even to the extreme neglect of his own family. The ultimate slacker excuse.

 

I can't judge because I am my father's son, but I'm not having any kids anytime soon.

 

Yeah my dad had the same slacker's discount card.

 

When he was in his late 20's and married my mom he had already been talking about the end of the world and collecting all sorts of nonsense books. He even gave all of us children names out of the Bible. He showed little concern for us other than "Leave my stuff alone", "If you don't like it get the hell out." or insulting our taste and creative works. I remember once I wrote a song and he said "what the hell is that shit?" after I played it for him. Even when I was a little kid I would draw a picture for him and he would ink moustaches and grafitti all over everything.

 

He made a lot of promises that he never kept. "I'll put you through college", "I'll pick you up from school", etc. What little help he did offer he'd be a total shithead about.

 

So yeah, I don't think I'll ever have children either. My fear is that I might end up treating my children the same way my dad treated me without knowing it.

[Guest Shiva H. Vishnu]

I imagine there are alot of fundy fathers who love the hell out of their children and enjoy being fathers. Not my dad. He seems to have chosen the religious life, the missionary life, because it was easier and he didn't have the fortitude to discern what was really the right thing. As long as he loved god more than anything, anything he did was righteous, even to the extreme neglect of his own family. The ultimate slacker excuse.

 

I can't judge because I am my father's son, but I'm not having any kids anytime soon.

 

Yeah my dad had the same slacker's discount card.

 

When he was in his late 20's and married my mom he had already been talking about the end of the world and collecting all sorts of nonsense books. He even gave all of us children names out of the Bible. He showed little concern for us other than "Leave my stuff alone", "If you don't like it get the hell out." or insulting our taste and creative works. I remember once I wrote a song and he said "what the hell is that shit?" after I played it for him. Even when I was a little kid I would draw a picture for him and he would ink moustaches and grafitti all over everything.

 

He made a lot of promises that he never kept. "I'll put you through college", "I'll pick you up from school", etc. What little help he did offer he'd be a total shithead about.

 

So yeah, I don't think I'll ever have children either. My fear is that I might end up treating my children the same way my dad treated me without knowing it.

 

I'm sorry, jj. That's awful. My dad at least always made empty encouraging statements like "I support you in anything you do" and then never supported us in anything at all. I honestly think that he believes that as long as he doesn't err in the exact same vein as his own father, which is never telling his children that he loves them at all, he's done what he can. Maybe he has.

 

 

I can't judge because I am my father's son, but I'm not having any kids anytime soon.

Out of us three boys, those on the outside have complimented me on how much unlike my father I am, and how well I treat my kids. They also compliment on the behavior of my kids. (they're freakishly good kids. I don't know what the fuck happened)

 

Back when we were younger, I remember my oldest brother telling me that he would never be like my dad when he grew up. To see him now, and how he treats his wife and kids, you wouldn't be able to tell him and my father apart if it wasn't for hair length.

 

I, however, made one of those silent to-yourself kind of vows to never be like my dad. So far, it has been working.

 

*knock-knock-knock*

 

[Fweethawt]

Yeah my dad had the same slacker's discount card.

I can't claim this about my dad. He's not a slacker by any stretch of the word. He'll be hard at work on his death bed.

 

He showed little concern for us other than "Leave my stuff alone", "If you don't like it get the hell out." or insulting our taste and creative works. I remember once I wrote a song and he said "what the hell is that shit?" after I played it for him.

 

What little help he did offer he'd be a total shithead about.

Hey! I thought I was the youngest in my family!! Is that you, brother?

 

So yeah, I don't think I'll ever have children either. My fear is that I might end up treating my children the same way my dad treated me without knowing it.

I had this same exact fear. My kids don't know the meaning of the word 'neglect', 'abuse' or anything of that nature.

 

It just didn't happen.

 

Of course, my primary focus throughout their entire lives was patience and respect. I showed them a healthy dose of each while they grew up. It was tough for me to do though.

[jjacksonRIAB]

I'm sorry, jj. That's awful. My dad at least always made empty encouraging statements like "I support you in anything you do" and then not supporting us in anything at all. I honestly think that he believes that as long as he doesn't err in the exact same vein as his own father, which is never telling his children that he loves them at all, he's done what he can. Maybe he has.

 

You sure there isn't some club where they hang out and swap tips?

 

I'm sorry to hear that your dad is that way too, making only a token effort, but from here you seemed to have turned out OK. Big thumbs down to the idea of you being an asshole.

 

 

I can't claim this about my dad. He's not a slacker by any stretch of the word. He'll be hard at work on his death bed.

 

Well my dad was in the military for 22 years, has damn near four degrees, and worked most of his life. It's the family he slacked on. Not because he was busy either.

 

Hey! I thought I was the youngest in my family!! Is that you, brother?

 

 

I had this same exact fear. My kids don't know the meaning of the word 'neglect', 'abuse' or anything of that nature.

 

It just didn't happen.

 

Of course, my primary focus throughout their entire lives was patience and respect. I showed them a healthy dose of each while they grew up. It was tough for me to do though.

 

I'm glad to hear that. Part of me believed his excuses, but as I grew older I started to see them for what they were. If I had a father more like you, I think things would be much better for me now.

[Fweethawt]

If I had a father more like you, I think things would be much better for me now.

That's not the point.

 

What happened in the past is over with.

 

But your fear of turning out to be a shitty dad is unfounded because you already know that you can be a better person than him.

 

Get it?

[Guest Shiva H. Vishnu]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so I'm wondering what his reply was back to you. This sounds like you two need to have a serious talk about what's ok and what isn't.

 

This conversation has happened so many times that we could probably have it now using no words, only facial expressions.

[jjacksonRIAB]

If I had a father more like you, I think things would be much better for me now.

That's not the point.

 

What happened in the past is over with.

 

But your fear of turning out to be a shitty dad is unfounded because you already know that you can be a better person than him.

 

Get it?

 

Maybe in that respect, but sometimes people drop their baggage off on you and you don't even realize it until after you've passed it onto someone else.

 

Nevertheless, point taken.

[Guest Shiva H. Vishnu]

sometimes people drop their baggage off on you and you don't even realize it until after you've passed it onto someone else.

 

Too true. Nobody sets out saying they're gonna be just as shitty a father as their's was, but it happens everyday, through time and human nature. You can't help being, in some indellible way, what they make you.

[jjacksonRIAB]

sometimes people drop their baggage off on you and you don't even realize it until after you've passed it onto someone else.

 

Too true. Nobody sets out saying they're gonna be just as shitty a father as their's was, but it happens everyday, through time and human nature. You can't help being, in some indellible way, what they make you.

 

Yeah, I don't even know if saying the past is over with is necessarily true.

 

Nothing is over. You don't just turn it off.

 

It's fact. How many people changed from assholes to the nicest people in the world after being shot in the head and losing all of their past memories? How many people have gone the opposite direction? Sometimes you just can't make a dent on the human psyche. History is powerful.

[Fweethawt]

sometimes people drop their baggage off on you and you don't even realize it until after you've passed it onto someone else.

Too true. Nobody sets out saying they're gonna be just as shitty a father as their's was, but it happens everyday, through time and human nature. You can't help being, in some indellible way, what they make you.

Okay. Since you put it that way, I have to agree.

 

There are some ways that I am like my dad. I just took extra care in being self-aware enough when it came to raising and paying attention to my kids that none of that sort of thing got passed along.

 

Every once in a while, my short fuse shows. But I've never hit either of my kids or verbally pummeled them to where they felt like a raisin.

 

In the beginning, I had to tell myself that I wouldn't do it. But now, I can't do it. It just isn't in me to do so.

 

It's like I worked out a bug or somethin'.

[Vigile]

sometimes people drop their baggage off on you and you don't even realize it until after you've passed it onto someone else.

 

Too true. Nobody sets out saying they're gonna be just as shitty a father as their's was, but it happens everyday, through time and human nature. You can't help being, in some indellible way, what they make you.

 

I was always impressed with my own father. He wasn't perfect, but he tried damn hard and IMO was/is a great dad. His own father hated him and still hates him. I get along with my grandfather great, but he can't say anything good about his own son. I don't know what my dad did in high school, but whatever it was his father won't forgive him for it and made his life a living hell. He had a younger brother who died from lukemia when he was 7. My grandfather always tells my dad "I wish it was you and not Steven." Nevertheless, my dad never carried any of this over to me or my brother. I respect that a lot. He's a better man than me.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Sounds like there is a Bastard of An Old Man Club for Boys most of our Dad's must have found on back of Wheaties box years ago..

 

Mine died back in '91 from a bad heart at 52. Wasn't sorry to see the old fuck go.

 

Best you do is try not to contaminate your kid(s) with the same infection and bad_attitudes, move on with life.

 

kL

[Checkmate]

Sounds like there is a Bastard of An Old Man Club for Boys most of our Dad's must have found on back of Wheaties box years ago..

 

Mine died back in '91 from a bad heart at 52. Wasn't sorry to see the old fuck go.

 

Best you do is try not to contaminate your kid(s) with the same infection and bad_attitudes, move on with life.

 

kL

First, I'd like to complain. This thread is erroneously labeled. I almost avoided it, because I thought it was more like Fwee's silly "asshole" thread. But now that I've read through the posts, I see that THIS thread is where I belong!

 

Did I have a good relationship with my sperm donor? Take a good guess. He died in '95 and I didn't attend his funeral. I shed not one crystal tear. I didn't give a shit then, and I don't care today. I'm glad he's dead. He was an embarrassment and a sorry excuse not only of a father, but of a human being. He was a drunk, no-account, abusive asshole who probably doesn't even make good fertilizer.

 

I am what I am today both because of him and in spite of him (if you get what I mean?).

 

Bah! I don't want to talk about this shit anymore. Too much fucking pain involved. Carry on, people.

 

P.S. - Shiva, I think you're doing a great job communicating with your dad. (But then, ANYTHING is better than what me and my "dad" had. To whit: nothing.)

[Onyx]

I rarely talk to my dad so there you go, Shiva, I'm part of the Sons of Cold and Distant Dads Club.

 

He stopped talking to me in deep conversations after he found out I'm gay.

Any wonder that fundy people complain that gayness are caused by a distant father when they are distant to their gay and bi sons; lezzie and bi daughters?

[Fweethawt]

Bah! I don't want to talk about this shit anymore. Too much fucking pain involved.

And this is exactly why I started my own 'asshole' thread. I knew that it was a tough topic. So I figured that I'd make a little side thread to soften things up a bit.

 

Feel free to unleash here. Then you can step on over to my thread and tell me how much of an asshole I am.

[Beachcosmo]

First, I'd like to complain. This thread is erroneously labeled. I almost avoided it, because I thought it was more like Fwee's silly "asshole" thread. But now that I've read through the posts, I see that THIS thread is where I belong!

 

Did I have a good relationship with my sperm donor? Take a good guess. He died in '95 and I didn't attend his funeral. I shed not one crystal tear. I didn't give a shit then, and I don't care today. I'm glad he's dead. He was an embarrassment and a sorry excuse not only of a father, but of a human being. He was a drunk, no-account, abusive asshole who probably doesn't even make good fertilizer.

 

I am what I am today both because of him and in spite of him (if you get what I mean?).

 

Bah! I don't want to talk about this shit anymore. Too much fucking pain involved. Carry on, people.

 

P.S. - Shiva, I think you're doing a great job communicating with your dad. (But then, ANYTHING is better than what me and my "dad" had. To whit: nothing.)

 

I haven't seen or talked to my old man since I was 10. What for? He was an asshole, end of story.

Some people put up with their shitty parents, just because their your parents doesn't mean that you need to be in contact with them. I like to look at the overall person and not just the "parent" factor.

 

But now after counseling and everything, I don't feel anything for him. I don't feel love, don't feel hate, I just feel very indifferent. Ah well, this was the cards that the fates dealt me with. Life is good overall.

[Rhia]

I agree. Not an asshole, just honest.

[Dhampir]

Wow, reading this thread has strengthened my resolve to never have children myself. I mean, my father was great, but my stepmother on the other hand... I probably would be better off not cursing my progeny with the burden of being my progeny.