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Still A Virgin, But No Longer By Choice


Misterspock1
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For the longest time I thought that premarital sex was wrong. I never attended a TLW rally, but I was fully committed to saving myself until marriage. I was so committed that I never even got to first base with a girl, just because I didn't want to risk going too far.

 

My fiancee was quite the prude. I am a very affectionate person, and I like to show my feelings through physical touch. It took her quite awhile before she would even let me hold her hand, or put my hand on her thigh (in a totally non-sexual way). To top it all off, we dated for two years and were engaged for just over a year before I left my faith, and we only kissed twice. Twice! Once was soon after we were officially a "couple," and then the other was more than two years later at Christmas (my last Christmas as a Christian) when she gave me mistletoe as a present and allowed me to use it. I look back and wonder how I would have ever survived married to someone like that. I've confessed to my sister that the kind of woman I want to be in a relationship with would be affectionate and playful. We could engage in warm, physical touch in a totally non-sexual way, yet we could also have fun around each other. I said that what I would really like in a relationship is to have a girl that I can sneak up on from behind, pinch or grab her ass playfully, and just have fun.

 

I broke off the engagement, so I never had sex with my fiancee, and now it has been almost a year since we would have been married and I am still a virgin. For 23 years I was a virgin by choice. Now I have been a virgin for over a year, but it has NOT been by choice. For the longest time I thought saving my virginity was a good thing and I went out of my way to save it, but now that I no longer want to save it I have no more "temptations," so to speak.

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Damn, what was she, Amish? Under christian Shariah law? So, you say you have no temptations, do you mean nothing is coming your way, or do you just not seem to have as much interest as before when you thought it was taboo?

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Damn, what was she, Amish? Under christian Shariah law? So, you say you have no temptations, do you mean nothing is coming your way, or do you just not seem to have as much interest as before when you thought it was taboo?

 

Nothing's coming my way. Hell no, I haven't lost interest! :wicked:

 

And no, she was none of the above, only fundamentalist Southern Baptist. She just didn't feel it was right to progress along the scale at all. There are all these Christian types who have a scale from one to ten, with one being something extremely mild (like holding hands) and ten being sexual intercourse. They say that the closer you get to ten, the harder it is to put on the brakes. I guess she just didn't want to take any risks. :shrug:

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Nothing's coming my way. Hell no, I haven't lost interest! :wicked:
You're not saying much.

 

Are you looking for another relationship, or do you just want to get laid?

 

Honestly, I am not sure. Part of me wants nothing to do with relationships because of the way my last one turned out, and is therefore just interested in sex. But then there is another part of me that wants to find someone who accepts me for who I am and who I can have that intimate connection with.

 

Right now, though, I think that I just want to get laid, for two reasons. One, just because I am almost 25 now and I am still a virgin, and I hate it. The other reason is because I feel my virginity is one of the biggest reminders I still have of my former life. Once I am rid of it, I think it will help me move on.

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I think the problem is that we never learned how to socialise outside of church or with others who were not Christians. We are lost socially because we don't know how to relate to people initially or where to go to meet someone.

 

Taph

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Wow! Your virginity is clearly a burden. Go and get rid of it!! Girls are a lot more "fun" when they don't equate a penis with hell. More like the other way around. Let loose and have fun. You're 25 and at your prime. Man, after having a fiance who only kissed you twice, you deserve to get laid many, many times. Please do! :sex: or at least :blowjob:

 

Good luck!

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I think the problem is that we never learned how to socialise outside of church or with others who were not Christians. We are lost socially because we don't know how to relate to people initially or where to go to meet someone.

 

Taph

 

 

Thank you for saying that, Taphophilia (what's that?). Now I know I am not the only one. :Doh:

Time to hit the neighbourhood bar, Mr.Spock. Or maybe a chess club? I am thinking of trying for Mensa.

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... Part of me wants nothing to do with relationships because of the way my last one turned out, and is therefore just interested in sex. But then there is another part of me that wants to find someone who accepts me for who I am and who I can have that intimate connection with. ...

 

It's not an either/or situation. You might consider hooking up for "just sex" with someone you meet at a bar, online, or whatever as practice for intimacy with your future girlfriend/wife. Getting some experience under your belt now (so to speak) could be just the thing to reduce the nervousness and/or embarrassment that you might otherwise suffer when you are ready for a real relationship. Just be safe out there!

 

P.S.: I was never a fundie, so I enjoyed a rather promiscuous lifestyle when I was your age. But I do remember thinking back then that I'd never meet someone with whom I could have a "real" relationship. The real relationship is now in its 17th year, with no end in sight. I'm sure you'll also meet the right one (or maybe several). :wicked:

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Taphophilia (what's that?).

 

It means lover of graves, funerals, cemetaries.

 

I was Adipocere http://www.adipocere.com/ on Christian Forums to freak them out (Christians tend to be superstitious and have a fear of death), but no one bothered to look it up or ask me what Adipocere meant. I didn't want to use that here, so I picked Taphophilia. Sort of close, but not quite as squeemish.

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I can relate to this.

 

I went to one of those churches where chastity vows for teens was deemed the "hip" thing to do. I signed a formal contract stating that I would maintain my chastity until I married my wife; AND, I had a cubic zirconium promise ring that I wore in place of a wedding ring. In fact, I still have the plague of my chastity vow in my memento box.

 

In hindsight, It was a good defense mechanism. When I was closeted I could always tells people that I was waiting for the RIGHT woman when they started speculating on my sexuality.

 

The whole irony of it, now that I look back, was that everyone in church was having sex EXCEPT me.

All of the teens in my youth group were screwing like minks...The church would stage these sleep over parties called "Lock Ins" where teens could sleep over, in the sancturary, and have WHOLESOME fun...The lock ins were nothing more than giant orgies. Furthermore, the deacons and minister were having sex with teenaged girls in the church...and some of them were cheating on their wives with the church secretaries.

 

But there I was...stuck on maintaining my "purity."

 

In the past year I have lost my virginity, and I have thoroughly enjoyed. I even masterbate now(something that I was always afraid of going to hell for).

 

So, don't make a big deal out of sex. It will happen for you, and you'll love it even if the woman is not your wife...

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I think the problem is that we never learned how to socialise outside of church or with others who were not Christians. We are lost socially because we don't know how to relate to people initially or where to go to meet someone.

 

Taph

 

 

Thank you for saying that, Taphophilia. Now I know I am not the only one. :Doh:

Well, that makes three of us. Anyone else want to join in?

 

Seriously, this is a big thing to us exchristians with left-over virginity. I don't really want sex just for the experience...I want a relationship...but in a way; yeah, I DO want sex! I want to catch up with a missed stage in my adult development! Is this what you mean, MisterSpock?

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Well, that makes three of us. Anyone else want to join in?

 

Seriously, this is a big thing to us exchristians with left-over virginity. I don't really want sex just for the experience...I want a relationship...but in a way; yeah, I DO want sex! I want to catch up with a missed stage in my adult development! Is this what you mean, MisterSpock?

Make a note of me as #4. I want sex, but I want the kinda sex you have in a loving relationship. Yep. And I ain't never got none.

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Inmy experience losing my virginity was more of an obstacle to be overcome, not something special to be cherished. I was so eager the first time I didn't even really enjoy it, just more apprehensive of the outcome (no pun intended). It took me a quite a few times before I could relax enough to enjoy it.At that age, I actually prefered masturbation to the real thing. No anxiety.

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I think the problem is that we never learned how to socialise outside of church or with others who were not Christians. We are lost socially because we don't know how to relate to people initially or where to go to meet someone.

 

Taph

 

 

Thank you for saying that, Taphophilia. Now I know I am not the only one. :Doh:

Well, that makes three of us. Anyone else want to join in?

 

Seriously, this is a big thing to us exchristians with left-over virginity. I don't really want sex just for the experience...I want a relationship...but in a way; yeah, I DO want sex! I want to catch up with a missed stage in my adult development! Is this what you mean, MisterSpock?

 

I think that sums it up very well. I feel like everyone else around me who was going to lose their virginity by now has lost it, and here I am about to turn 25 and I still have it. I missed out on part of my life. I didn't even get to have all of these fun times in college with drinking and sex just because I went to a Christian school (where guys and girls lived in completely different buildings, and where the school bought up most of the liquor licenses in town so nobody could by alcohol). Hell, my first alcoholic beverage was when I was 23. In some respects, I also feel like I am trying to catch up with where I would be if I had never been bogged down by Christianity.

 

Part of me just wants to break the ice because I have been so tense about sex for so long. I feel that if I just go out and have sex, then a lot of that tension will go away. However, I also have that feeling that I want it to mean something and to not just be a random fuck.

 

And by the way, Lorena, I do play chess, but when I have gone to chess clubs there have only been guys there. I hit the bars, but I have noticed that I seem to withdraw into my shell when I get drunk in public. Normally I am a very fun drunk, but I seem to be a lot different when drunk at a bar. I suppose I could just not get drunk, but where's the fun in that? :grin: I have thought about maybe joining a book club or getting a membership at the Y or something. Don't know. I've also been wanting to get out there and do something just because it might help take my mind off of my depression.

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Wow! Your virginity is clearly a burden. Go and get rid of it!! Girls are a lot more "fun" when they don't equate a penis with hell. More like the other way around. Let loose and have fun. You're 25 and at your prime. Man, after having a fiance who only kissed you twice, you deserve to get laid many, many times. Please do! :sex: or at least :blowjob:

 

Good luck!

 

Yeah, it wasn't even blue-balling. It's like she just cut off my balls at the very start just to keep me in line. My sister sometimes wonders if she would have even given me any the night of the wedding. Now that's just wrong. And after that, how often would we have done it? Even when we did, there would have been nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing oral, anal, or fetish. It would have just been straight missionary position vaginal intercourse.

 

For the last several months we were together, the only thing that was keeping me in the relationship was knowing that I would be having sex in several months. It is sad, but coming from a fundamentalist background I was prohibited from ever talking about sex or asking questions about it, and experimenting was definitely out of the question. Ever since puberty started, I had been extremely curious and horny, just because I was a teenage guy. Fundamentalist parents spend so much time downplaying sex that they make their children even more curious and more apt to try something. They constantly talk about getting married for other reasons than sex, but when you make your kids spend so much effort restraining their hormones, they are going to want to get married as soon as possible just so they can relax and let go. Our college had a motto, "Ring by spring or your money back," saying that you are most likely going to be married by the time you leave. Hmmm, wonder why that is?

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I can't imagine it being hard to just get laid (if that is what you are after). I've been married for the past 10 years, so I'm a little out of the scene, though.

 

In my experience, Party or bar + frou frou drinks (e.g. cosmos) + flirting = sex.

 

My advice:

 

Go to a bar.

Nurse your drink (don't get drunk!).

Take a friend who is better looking than you.

Let him talk to the prettier girl of the two.

Flirt.

Buy her a couple of drinks (but not too much, you don't want to be a date-raper).

Go back to someone's apartment.

Have another drink.

Let it happen.

 

If it doesn't "happen" right away, repeat this as necessary.

 

In my opinion, though, relationship sex is a better way to go.

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Man, that's harsh. I signed one of those "chastity vows" as well, thinking I was doing the right thing, doing the moral thing, and marriage would take care of any sexual needs I might have and I'd live happily ever after desiring no one else but my husband. What a joke.

 

It was really dissapointing to find out the truth. I've always had a hard time dating, and oppertunities for sex are so rare and far between I finally gave up and and opted for premarital sex when I realized the prospect of marriage wasn't going to be likely. Then as I got older, I realized that marriages don't guarantee anything. Not happiness, not stability, not even good sex. Since then, I've been growing more and more disenchanted with the idea of marriage and dating in general.

 

That was kind of one dream I wish I hadn't had to give up. But facing reality hurt less than trying to hang onto the fantasy. I'm glad you got out of that relationship. Hope you find someone nice soon to share the night with.

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