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Guest virraszto

The God That Let Me Down, Time And Time Again.

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Guest virraszto

 

I found this site a few days ago, and have been reading the forum pretty much in all my free time. I can't articulate as well as

some on this site, and I am not as intellegent, but I hope my story is at least readable.

 

I am not yet a total disbeliever, but I'm as close as one can get. There is a miniscule part of me that is hanging on, and I know once I cross over to a total disbeliever, there's no going back, and I will have to deal with I guess what you all call deprograming.

 

I was about 6 yrs old when the neighbor lady 'bribed' me to come to her weekly childrens religious group. I was a poor child, and her bribery of cookies, and candy sealed the deal. Sure, I listened to her read Bible stories, but that is not what got me there, nor is it what kept me going back each week. The weekly childrens sessions lead to going to church on a regular basis. Yes, I started to believe what was being drilled into my head, but even at that young age, I could not understand.....but I put my ignorant faith in these people who taught me about Jesus and God. I became the model Christian, and was even able to get my mother to come to church with me. My mother was sickly, and I was so happy in thinking that God would make her better. I knew if she came to church with me and accepted God into her heart, He would take away her sickness. We went to church together for a few years, Mom and I. It was a small Baptist congregation, and we met and socialized with the church folk. I was asked if I wanted to go to summer Church camp, but my mother did not have the money for me to go. I was embarrassed and hurt that I couldn't be like all the other kids. Somehow, my mother worked out a deal with the pastor. I would work every Wed. and Sunday cleaning the church and earn money to go to church camp. I was thrilled!!

 

I prayed and prayed, as much as a little kid could, that my Mom would get better. I had so much faith that she would. Her illness was not dignosed, and had it been, she would have been able to get treatment to end it. Well, folks, that did not happen. She passed away the summer I turned ten. The same summer I was to go to church camp. This was the single most traumatic thing that happened in my life, and it has been with me since, and I cannot forget, not will I that my God let me down. At that point in time, I hated God, and Jesus and the church, and wanted nothing to do with any of it. The very worst part came the big fat slap in the face when I showed up to church the week after my mother had passed, and not ONE person said ONE word to me!! No one even mentioned the fact that my mother had passed away. There I sat in that little pew, in my pink dress, all by myself, the tears just streaming down my cheeks, waiting for my church family to offer sympathy to me, but it NEVER HAPPENED!!! I added the church family to my list of people/things I hated. I didn't want to go to church camp at that point, but I was forced to.... this just a few short weeks after losing my mother.

 

I wanted nothing to do with the church, it's members, God, or Jesus then. Unfortunately, I was forced to go, against my will. Where I was sent to live after my mother died was a nightmare. I was beaten on a daily basis, and mentally abused. I was a broken soul at the young age of ten. I had nothing, so even though I was still mad at God, I began to pray. I prayed so hard and so long for God to get me out of this situation. I cannot believe the time I spent praying. Please, God, rescue me from this hell. Please, stop the beatings! When my prayers weren't getting answered, instead of praying for the beatings to stop, I prayed that I would die. I wanted to die so badly....if that were the only way to get me out of that situation.

 

It was during this time that my older brother died of cancer. Where was my God? Had he forgot about me? I was still mourning the death of my mother, when God saw fit to take another one of my loved ones. Why?? When I was 17, my father was murdered. Why God? Why?

 

At the age of 12, I gave up, but not entirely, because there was still that small seed in my head that God was real, but he chose not to answer my prayers for some reason. Was this a test? If so, it was not fair. No one should have to live like I was. My God was not a fair God, but it seemed he was a cruel God that enjoyed watching others suffer. To be fair, I stopped all the praying, but when things became stressful in my life, there I was clinging to the God who had never once listened to me. l still hoping that maybe someday I would be noticed, and then God would make things right for me. That never happened. I eventually managed to leave this abusive situation, but it was not by God's doing.

 

I have never set foot in a church since then, and I will not now or ever again. Since then I have tried to read the Bible, just out of curiosity. I could not make it past the first few books. All the killing, the cruelty, the inconsistencies, etc. It did not make sense to me at all. Sure, I know all the bible stories because they were drilled into my head as a child, but I cannot bring my self to read such trash that is in the Bible. In the past few years, I have been reading up on things...science vs. the bible vs the real historical proof, and I wonder how anyone can take the Bible seriously?

 

I am at odds with myself, because the ONLY reason I still hold on " GOD", is because of the fact that I am brainwashed into thinking that I will see my mother again when I die. It is that fact alone that scares me from making the jump to doubter, to total non believer. Once I get past the fact that there is no heaven, and I will never see my mother, father, brother, etc again, then I can put God and religion all behind me. It amazes me that I can read this forum and agree totally with the facts presented, but yet when I lay down to sleep at night, I automatically begin to pray??? What is that all about? I feel so two faced, and I know I am, but it is very hard to get past this.

 

There are so many other reasons for my being a serious doubter, but this post is long enough, and thanks to anyone who can read through it.

 

I know this is extremely long, and I will end this now. I am glad I found this site, I really feel like some of you know what I am going through, and I don't feel so alone.

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Welcome! :)

 

Ugh, shitty story - nothing like using candy to suck the kidides in, no?

 

That's one of my big gripes with the cult, too - if Jeezus™ is all-powerful and all-knowing, and he made a promise to answer every prayer asked in his name, then why has he always failed to come through? Some Xians can say that Jeezus™ did this or that for them, but in truth they can't prove it didn't come about through chance or other people's work. They can't prove that any instance of a prayer being answered had anything to do with Jeezus™, especially since so many people pray for healings or help or whatnot and get nothing.

 

The concept that an all-powerful god needs us to pray to him in the first place, when he knows our needs and can grant them in a snap, just proves how contradictory and illogical Xianity is. Glad to see you on the other side of the fence :)

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Hello!

 

Sorry to read your story, it sounds like you have had a lot of grief

to deal with, and it sounds as if you are still dealing with it. When

you lose people that you love, the pain never really goes away, you

just learn to live with it. I just hope that this burden on you gets a

little easier to bear with time.

 

It's unfortunate that you had to deal with your losses, with biblegawd,

and with that vicious den of biblegawd-worshipping vipers, all at once.

As I get older, I am more and more convinced that if there are any

"good" christians out there, they are good in spite of their

religion, not because of it.

 

Anyway, welcome to the board. You're amongst friends here.

 

:)

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I used a sucker to bribe my sister into going forward and making a public profession of faith. I regretted that decision even way before I left my faith.

 

It sounds like you have had more than your fair share of suffering for one lifetime. Nobody should have to go through all of that, especially at such a young age. Something like that really changes your perspective on life.

 

When I was a Christian I would have just responded with the standard Romans 8:28 (all things work together for good to those who love God). Now I see all of that as yet another attempt to force the Bible down a person's throat, and to make it even worse it is at a time in their life when they are emotionally devastated.

 

There is a very simple answer, and that is that God doesn't exist, or at the very least doesn't bother to step in. You just happened to draw the short stick on life. I know that doesn't help emotionally, but in my mind it is better to realize that than to spend the rest of your life trying to rationalize God's reasons. It sounds like you are already progressing down this path, the path toward true emotional freedom, and for that I am happy for you. I hope that things will start going better for you and that you will begin to experience that freedom. This site is full of good people who care and are willing to help out in whatever way we can.

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I found this site a few days ago, and have been reading the forum pretty much in all my free time. I can't articulate as well as

some on this site, and I am not as intellegent, but I hope my story is at least readable.

 

...

 

Yes! Welcome to the site.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all you did.

 

If it helps, christians are like paedophiles, they prey on people who are vulnerable. If you can break that pattern you are free.

 

Understand that the question of God is academic. Who knows? However, christianity and most other beliefs are wrong and ultimatley dangerous - and the quicker you let go, the better you may be.

 

Either way, enjoy your stay.

 

Thanks

 

Sparrow

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Guest virraszto

I just wanted to add something to my post. My story above was what started my disbelief. As I got older, and read more and more, that's when I really began to see the light and realize that all I had been taught was a lie. I am now trying to read anything I can get my hands on so I can say that I left Christianity through educating myself......not because I had a shitty life, or because of the actions, or in my case, non actions of the church.

 

I have to thank you all on this site for the great discussions that I have read, and the links, and the books that have been mentioned. I plan on taking quite a bit of time reading up on this and hopefully I can let the facts speak for themselves and let go of the brainwashing.

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I just wanted to add something to my post. My story above was what started my disbelief. As I got older, and read more and more, that's when I really began to see the light and realize that all I had been taught was a lie. I am now trying to read anything I can get my hands on so I can say that I left Christianity through educating myself......not because I had a shitty life, or because of the actions, or in my case, non actions of the church.

 

I have to thank you all on this site for the great discussions that I have read, and the links, and the books that have been mentioned. I plan on taking quite a bit of time reading up on this and hopefully I can let the facts speak for themselves and let go of the brainwashing.

 

I am glad that you are actively seeking the truth. Keep studying and thinking for yourself, and you will eventually find the answers you need.

 

The deprogramming takes time, unfortunately. You will find people on this site in every stage of deprogramming. Some of us are fresh out of the faith and are desperately trying to figure out what to do. Some of us have started to make some progress in our search. Some of us have settled on an answer and are finally starting to enjoy life. But all of us agree on one thing, and that is we want a life free from religious indoctrination and dogma. You are among friends here.

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I totally understand how you feel. My dad died when I was 13, and my closest cousin got raped and stabbed and burned when I was 15. I am an only child, so she was the closest thing I had to a sister. I felt so alone, too. No one in the churches I attended seemed to care... that "christian love" was totally absent. I wanted a male role model so badly in high school, and no one seemed to have the time for me.

 

And like you, I clung to my belief in God... because I thought I'd get to see them again. All this made me doubt the validity of my faith, but I still had faith. It wasn't what turned me away. Again, like you, it was reading and more reading that convinced me... I got a religious studies major in college, so I credit my deconversion to opening my mind and being intellectually honest, not because I had a horrid time as an adolescent and teenager.

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A very sad story there and I feel for you. I just had to comment on one thing and that was how you still pray at night when you go to bed. I guess I kind of know how you feel there. I'm at a similar stage to you, and as a force of habit I pray. Not just in bed, but when I'm driving in my car, or when I'm on my own. I find myself talking to God in my mind saying "Lord this..." and "Lord that.." Sometimes I'm even asking him what should i believe? Are you really there? Has everything I've believed been a lie? And then I think about the irony of asking those questions..... lol. I guess it's just one of those habits that's hard to break.

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Wish I could hug you... Wish that could heal your pain.

What a quandary... If I stop believing in a God that would do this to me and everyone I loved...but He turns out to be real...and they happen to have escaped Hell (how?)...then I'll never see them again.

You do realize that, if any of what you were taught of this God is true...the odds are slim that they would be in Heaven...

I mean...there's at least a 50% chance that you would go to the wrong place for a family reunion... Sounds like "God's" still using the promise of candy and cookies...in His overcoat...to keep you on a string.

I have a hard time now... Wanting to pray... Wanting to cry out... Wanting to "worship" someThing, someOne that is beautiful and lovely and good and strong and powerful...who can hear...and care...

Instead, I look within...and see everything I saw...when I thought I was talking to God and Jesus...

Be Well.

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My dad died when I was 14, and although I neither believe in a soul or an afterlife, I still sometimes hold out the hope that he is still out there, so I understand how you feel. Saying out loud that that isn't the case tends to clear things up a bit.

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Wow you've been through a lot. No you're not a hypocrite, its hard to leave something that you've been a part of for so long. I completely understand you, it was hard for me to leave as well, deconversion is very painful for a lot of people.

 

Just take your time with it really. Its all you can do, and I wish you the best. :)

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